Sexuality - The Generous Husband

Your Marriage’s Sexual Issues May Not Be About Sex

by The Generous Husband | Feb 1, 2025 | Get Help, Sexuality

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On Thursday, I talked about taking a holistic approach to marriage. I said we ask coaching couples things well beyond the issue they bring to the table, and that this is especially true when the presented issue is sexual.

It’s rare to get a couple with big sexual issues who don’t have non-sexual issues too. The men often think those non-sexual issues are not effecting the sexual issue. And they are almost always wrong.

Sex is very much a holistic act. How you feel physically and how well you slept last night are a factor. How your day went and how much stress you’re dealing with makes a difference. And your relationship with the person you hope to have sex with matters.

Men, and especially men who are not getting nearly enough sex, are able to function sexually even if all kinds of other things are out of whack. Women are far less able to do that. Not less willing, less able. Because of how God made them.

Stress and tiredness make it difficult for her to get aroused and to reach climax. Problems with you can keep her from wanting sex, even if her body is horny. As I said before, these things affect her because of how God made her mind. She can’t change them by force of will. She can force herself to have sex she doesn’t want and won’t enjoy if she thinks she should. Or if she is tired of you dogging her for sex. But doing that too often will push her away from sex even more.

I’ve dealt with couples whose sex difficulties are all about sex. But for the vast majority of couples with sex problems, the primary causes have nothing to do with sex.

If your sex life is not what you want it to be, I’d love to do a bit of coaching with you. Or Lori with your wife. If you’re both willing to deal with the real issues, things can get better.

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FF: Why Can’t She Be The Way My Girlfriends Were?

by The Generous Husband | Jan 31, 2025 | Friday Flashback, Seeing Clearly, Sexuality, Understanding Her

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A comment on a recent poll read, “If only my wife treated me as well as my sinful high school girlfriends so many years ago”.

I suspect many men who did more than hold hands with someone before their wife have had similar thoughts. If you got more, or better, when you were single, it’s understandable to think this way. What you need to realise is this is comparing apples to orange juice.

What a woman does sexually before marriage has little or nothing to do with drive, desire, preferences, or enjoyment.

Even in most Christian circles, some level of sex is required to get repeat dates. In marginally Christian or non-Christian circles, the expectation is greater. Going from dating to a serious relationship means more is expected, and if you want to get married, you better be ready to do just about anything he wants.

Try to put yourself into this reality, the reality of many young women in Western cultures:

You want companionship, love, and eventually marriage. You like guys, but you don’t have a huge sex drive, and you feel being sexual is questionable if not wrong. If you engage in sex, the guy is usually done before you really get started. At best, they get theirs, and you get nothing. Or even worse, he gets his and leaves you horny. If it were up to you, you would avoid sex at least until you were engaged. However, you find most guys expect sex, and expect more as the relationship continues. You feel your choices are offering sex you do not really want or being alone. Being alone seems a worse fate, so you engage in sex. You don’t want to be doing anything, and you don’t get much pleasure out of what you do, so it doesn’t matter much what you do or how often you do it. It all feels wrong on one level, so how can you say, “I don’t like that” or “I think that is wrong” to anything?

Gentlemen, can you grasp this? Can you understand the bad, no-good-choices situation many women experience when single? Can you understand why they say yes when they want to say no? Can you see why they say yes to things they don’t want to do? What they offer is not real; it is just them playing a part. This has two bad results: it creates men who want from their wives what their girlfriends did in sin, and it creates women who neither want nor enjoy sex. When such a man and such a woman marry, it is a given they are going to have sexual problems.

If you have expectations created by sinful sex, you really need to repent of the sex and see the expectations created as fruit of the poisoned tree. Expecting your wife to meet those expectations is asking her to pay for your sins. If you’ve been doing this, you need to deal with it, seek her forgiveness, and promise to change.

[This post first appeared Oct 27, 2012.]

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FF: Understanding Her Sexuality: A Guide to Pleasuring Your Wife

by The Generous Husband | Jan 24, 2025 | Friday Flashback, Sexuality, Understanding Her

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Men are straightforward sexually. Our bits are on the outside, they respond dramatically to stimulation, we climax easily, and we usually give good indications by sounds, movements, and words when we are enjoying what is being done. Additionally, men are fairly similar in what we want and enjoy. Yes, there’s some variation, but not a great deal.

Women are a completely different story. Their bits are hidden, changes in response to stimulation are small and hard to see, climax can take awhile (by male standards), and feedback is often poor or non-existent. Additionally, there is a huge range of what women like, not only from woman to woman but for the same woman one time to the next. It is enough to drive a man to celibacy! Okay, not really, but it can be frustrating.

What follows are various sexual issues. Some of which will apply to your lady, some will not. Most of these have links to other posts if you want more information:

Communicate, communicate, communicate. Nothing else will help as much, and nothing else will make up for not communicating. If you’re the one holding back, get over it. If she is, work on it gently. You need to know what she wants, what she thinks, and what she feels sexually. You also need her to tell you what feels good and what doesn’t, when something goes from feeling good to feeling great, and if it goes from feeling good to not so good. Assure her she won’t hurt your feelings. You don’t have lady bits, so you need her to help you learn how to handle them for her best pleasure.
Just because she is not feeling “horny” doesn’t mean she is unwilling to have sex. Nor does it mean she won’t enjoy sex if you have sex. For men, sexual desire is spontaneous, but for most women, sexual desire is triggered.
Her menstrual cycle affects her sexuality a great deal. You should know where she is in her cycle at all times, and know what it means for her.
The pill and other hormonal forms of birth control have been found to cause hormonal changes that significantly reduce sex drive and pleasure in many women. If your wife is using hormones to avoid pregnancy, this may be a part of any sexual problems you are having. Other drugs, especially antidepressants, can also cause problems. Her doctor may be able to help find ways around these issues.
Because her genitals are so much more sensitive, she’s far more likely to feel discomfort or pain from sex. If you ignore signs of pain, she may stop complaining, which is not a good way to deal with it. Ask her if she ever has pain, and what you can do to help. (Learn why sex can hurt)
She might not want to climax every time. Some women get upset when I say this, while others agree that for them, the “pressure to climax every time” actually puts them off sex. Ask her, and take her at her word.
If she has difficulty reaching orgasm, or has never had one, the problem could be between her ears. Fortunately, there are things you can do to help.
Her orgasm is not like your orgasm, in a number of ways. Learn how it works for her and you can make it better for her.
Lack of sleep is the primary reason women say no to sex. This in turn is usually a result of being too busy. If you want her to desire and enjoy sex, she needs a sane life and plenty of sleep. (Other reasons women say no)
Sex toys can make sex easier or better. But talk about it before you buy one.

[This post first appeared Oct 23, 2012.]

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Christian Sex Coaching: Finding Help for Sexual Problems

by The Generous Husband | Jan 18, 2025 | Sexuality

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A few days ago, I suggested you get help for your marriage if you need it. Today, I want to give you the same advice for your sex life.

When we were newly married, Lori and I could have used some help in this area. But we couldn’t find anyone with a Christian world view offering such help. Today, that’s no longer the case.

If you seek help for sex, you want someone who has a good deal of training. They have to be able to help with things they have never faced themselves. It’s much better to go as a couple, and if you can find a couple who will work with you, that’s ideal.

Getting help is about more than mismatched sex drives or something one spouse wants the other won’t do. Maybe there’s something you have never been able to figure out; sex isn’t as intuitive as we think. Or perhaps, some life or body change has messed with how you have always done sex, and you need to talk through things and get some suggestions on workarounds. Or perhaps sex is fine, but boring, and you want some new ways to enjoy each other.

Lori and I do sex coaching through Aldrich Ministries. We will work man to man, woman to woman, and couple to couple as needed. Coaching for much of what I’ve described is a few sessions, probably several weeks or months apart. If the problem is stuff from your past, Aldrich has folks who can do story work, which can be a big help. And online coaching means you won’t ever see these folks in real life, which can be nice.

Don’t suffer, get help!

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FF: God’s Design for Her Sexual Pleasure

by The Generous Husband | Jan 17, 2025 | Friday Flashback, Sexuality

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Sex is not just for men. God intended women to enjoy it too. How can I say that? Because His design leaves no other rational conclusion. While female orgasm is not necessary for conception, the clitoris has no purpose other than pleasure. Additionally, women can have multiple orgasms, their orgasms tend to last longer than the male version, and when they have a good orgasm it is far stronger than anything a man will ever experience.

Sadly, many women are not enjoying sex, or at least they’re not enjoying it nearly as much as they could. There are several issues here: men who do not really try, men who don’t know what to do, and women who resist or limit sex. I will devote a post to each of these.

Men who don’t really try:

It is tempting to say rude things about a man who doesn’t make a real effort to give his wife as much sexual pleasure as she can handle. Certainly, some men in this category are guilty of selfishness, but there are other possibilities:

He has no idea what to do, and isn’t getting any help or feedback from his bride. (See Tuesday’s post)
His bride has shown no interest in sex. (See Wednesday’s post)
Exposure to porn has given him a greatly skewed idea of what a woman wants sexually, and how a woman should react to various sexual situations. If you keep trying what you “know”, and it doesn’t work, you eventually just give up.
He is so sexually starved he can’t see past the end of his own, ah… nose. This isn’t a valid excuse, but it’s easy to understand why it happens. If you have this problem, at the very least, you need to be all about her pleasure after you get your pleasure.
He has bought into the lie women don’t really care for sex much. This lie is still circulating in the church, with both men and women spreading it. If he thinks she is “supposed to” spread her legs and just lie there, he doesn’t even know there’s a problem.
Premarital experience has convinced him women don’t want or enjoy sex very much. Often women see sex as the price they must pay for dates, or to get a husband, and this doesn’t inspire passion or pleasure on her part.
Fear. Yup, just plain afraid of what a turned on wife would be like. I don’t know how common this is, but I’ve had a couple of guys express this concern, saying “What is she starts to want more than I do” or “What if I can’t keep up” or “What if I can’t satisfy her?” If a man sees her enjoying sex as Pandora’s Box, you can understand why he might try to avoid her enjoying sex.
Laziness. In general, women need more time and attention to get aroused and to climax. A man who got used to his own pace during years of masturbation may find her pace frustrating. If he doesn’t understand this is a normal male/female difference, he may think there’s something wrong with her, or think she doesn’t desire orgasm.

If you aren’t giving your wife all the effort needed to make sex fantastic for her, please ask yourself why. She needs and deserves to enjoy sex as much as you do. Don’t be the reason she’s not enjoying it to the fullest.

[This post first appeared Oct 22, 2012.]

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Silent Crisis: Busyness is Creating Sexless Marriages

by The Generous Husband | Dec 28, 2024 | Margin, Seeing Clearly, Sexuality

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I’ve been aware of a growing trend of sexless marriages in Asian countries for several decades. In the early nineties, a Japanese psychiatrist introduced the term “sexless couple”. He defined that as a couple with no circumstances preventing sex who go without sex by mutual agreement. Today, it’s estimated 45% of Japanese couples are sexless. In South Korea, 35% of married couples are sexless. And in both countries, half again as many are in low sex marriages.

Of course, there’s plenty of masturbation going on, as well as a good deal of sex with prostitutes. One researcher said having sex with your partner requires a lot of energy. Paid sex is easier and less costly in terms of time and energy. Masturbation is easier still. It’s been suggested Japanese and South Korean couples are so sexless because they are too exhausted for married sex.

And we in the US are going the same way. The best study I could find puts sexless here at 15% of marriages. Many think that’s an undercount, and when you include low sex marriages, the number easily passes a third of couples.

And again, lack of time and energy is the biggest factor. There are a lot of couples out there where both husband and wife are masturbating. They want sex, but they don’t have what it takes to do that with their spouse. Solo sex comes down to being practical.

A lot of guys who say they want more sex don’t have the time and energy to engage in the kind of sex that would be good for their wife. Their complaint is hollow because they’re unwilling to do what it would take to make more sex mutually enjoyable.

Busyness is a national epidemic. It’s hurting our physical and mental health. It’s hurting our children. Furthermore, it’s killing our marriages and our sex lives. How this will progress has already been shown by Japan and South Korea.

I’ve made this about sex to get your attention. But there are a lot of good reasons beyond sex to rethink how busy we are. Please take some time to pray about this issue. Then do what you think is right with God in 2025.

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Understanding the Difference Between Arousal and Lust

by The Generous Husband | Dec 21, 2024 | Seeing Clearly, Sexuality

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I want to talk about arousal vs lust. They’re not the same thing, and only one is sinful.

Let’s say you’re walking along a forest path. You round a corner, and see a coral snake on the path. A part of your brain that does not reason causes a release of adrenaline, readying you to fight or flee. A moment later, another part of your brain is thinking “Red and yellow kill a fellow, red and black, venom lack. The red and black touch, so I’m safe.”

Now, let’s say instead of a snake, you see a young woman wearing nothing but hiking boots and a smile. Never mind why she’s there like that, work with me here. A part of your brain that does not reason releases signals and chemicals that sexually arouse you, readying you for sex. A moment later, another part of your brain thinks, “Naked woman. Not my wife. Stare at the ground and move off the trail so she can pass.”

The arousal is a function of a part of the brain you can’t control. It happens instantly, and you can’t prevent it. Then your conscious mind steps in. If you look away, and don’t fantasise about running into the bushes with her after she is out of sight, you have not sinned. Not even if you walk away with a partial erection. If you keep looking at her, with either your eyes or your mind, then you have lusted, and that is sin.

I make this point because some men feel they have sinned when they have not. If they see arousal as sin, they have a problem, because they can’t prevent it. So they either walk around feeling guilty, or they decide if they can’t prevent it, they might as well enjoy it.

Arousal from seeing or hearing something sexual is beyond your control. Do what you can to avoid those things, but don’t beat yourself up for your mind and body working as God designed them. Draw the line in the correct place, and it’s far easier to avoid lust.

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FF: Her Perspective on Christmas Lingerie

by The Generous Husband | Dec 13, 2024 | Gifts, Sexuality, Understanding Her

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We did a little poll on Facebook asking wives if they wanted lingerie for Christmas.

Just under half said yes, some was nice, while only 8% said the more, the better. A full quarter said it was okay, but they saw it as a gift for him, not for them. Seventeen percent would rather have a gift certificate so they can pick out what they would like. About ten percent said what he buys is uncomfortable, doesn’t fit, or makes them feel like a thing rather than a person.

Before you decide this poll says most wives would be okay with some Christmas lingerie, please realise the poll audience is a decidedly pro-sex group of Christian women. In a group more representative of women as a whole, I would expect to see more of the negative answers.

Part of the issue is women as a whole tend to feel more defined by their clothes than men do. What she chooses to wear is an expression of how she sees herself, and what you buy her is thus an expression of how you see her. You buy her something because you think she’s sexy, but it may communicate something different and negative to her.

So be careful here. If in doubt, don’t buy lingerie. If you think it is okay, err on the side of too little and not as sexy as you think she can handle. If you want to get something, but have no clue how to shop for it, check out my Buying lingerie without dying of embarrassment article.

[This post first appeared Dec 8, 2012.]

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