Christmas has passed, so we will now be swamped with “Year in Review” stories.
Why don’t you do a year in review with your wife? Take some time to discuss both the good and the bad of 2024. Discuss how you can repeat the good, and avoid repeating the bad. If there is bad you can’t avoid, talk about the best ways to deal with it. In short, devise an informed plan to make 2025 better than 2024.
Then make this a monthly habit. Set a hard date on the calendar. If you can, do it at a local coffee shop. It need not be a long appointment.
Last Tuesday, we lost power just after 8 PM. We got power back 33 hours later.
We live up a mountain, and there are a lot of trees near the power wires, so storms and wet snow can be a problem. There are only a few dozen homes here, so we’re a low priority. It’s been a while since we were out for more than 24 hours, but we lose power a dozen or more times a year. Three and half days is our record.
After a few minutes, when it’s clear it’s not temporary, the three guys on the property swing into action. Breakers are flipped, generators are fired up, and we go on with life. We can’t run everything at once, but we can get by just fine, including Internet access and hot showers.
Most of you don’t have a generator, house batteries, and back up propane heat. And most of you really don’t need those things. We have them because not having them would be inconvenient to a serious problem depending on the time of year and how long the power is out. We work from home, and must have Internet. And this time of year, a day without heat would make our home uncomfortable and nearing unliveable.
You can’t be ready for every possible emergency. But a wise man understands the problems that are likely, and makes preparations for those things.
This idea should also be applied to our marriages. And it will vary from one couple to another. If your wife has mental health issues, you have possible problems that others don’t have. Likewise for physical health issues. If she works outside the home, the loss of her job and income could be an emergency. And so on.
Some things are inconveniences, others could be full on disasters. How likely something is and how bad it could be should inform your concern and preparation.
It’s no fun to think about what could go wrong in your marriage, but doing so could make the difference between a bump in the road and a threat to your marriage.
I want to talk about arousal vs lust. They’re not the same thing, and only one is sinful.
Let’s say you’re walking along a forest path. You round a corner, and see a coral snake on the path. A part of your brain that does not reason causes a release of adrenaline, readying you to fight or flee. A moment later, another part of your brain is thinking “Red and yellow kill a fellow, red and black, venom lack. The red and black touch, so I’m safe.”
Now, let’s say instead of a snake, you see a young woman wearing nothing but hiking boots and a smile. Never mind why she’s there like that, work with me here. A part of your brain that does not reason releases signals and chemicals that sexually arouse you, readying you for sex. A moment later, another part of your brain thinks, “Naked woman. Not my wife. Stare at the ground and move off the trail so she can pass.”
The arousal is a function of a part of the brain you can’t control. It happens instantly, and you can’t prevent it. Then your conscious mind steps in. If you look away, and don’t fantasise about running into the bushes with her after she is out of sight, you have not sinned. Not even if you walk away with a partial erection. If you keep looking at her, with either your eyes or your mind, then you have lusted, and that is sin.
I make this point because some men feel they have sinned when they have not. If they see arousal as sin, they have a problem, because they can’t prevent it. So they either walk around feeling guilty, or they decide if they can’t prevent it, they might as well enjoy it.
Arousal from seeing or hearing something sexual is beyond your control. Do what you can to avoid those things, but don’t beat yourself up for your mind and body working as God designed them. Draw the line in the correct place, and it’s far easier to avoid lust.
Last Friday, I talked to the ladies about sexual bait and switch from before the wedding to after. The classic is the woman who gives blowjobs before marriage, but not after. My suggestion was women do this because sex has become the price of admission for follow-up dates and getting married.
The post generated some interesting comments. I’m going to paraphrase and in some places modify those comments to address common issues raised about this.
It was suggested the men had taken advantage of their future wife, and were suffering the consequences of that. But many of the men in these situations had no clue the woman was opposed to what she was doing. This is especially true if the woman had previously engaged in sex she didn’t want with another guy.
It was pointed out that all forms of sex prior to marriage are wrong. I totally agree. I also know it’s rare for a couple to make it to the wedding night with their virginity intact, and far rarer to have had no sexual contact. I’m not normalising this; it sadly is the norm. My goal was to address the fall-out from what most have done.
Then there was the suggestion that saying no to any allowable sex act is unacceptable. and a woman should deal with whatever keeps her from being able to do whatever. The Bible does say sexual refusal is wrong, but it does not in any way suggest it’s wrong to say no to oral sex or some other particular act or position. Yes, some women avoid certain sex acts because of wrong teaching, but there are sex positive women who do all kinds of things who are opposed to oral, or some other act, or a specific position.
The reality is sex before marriage is sin, and sin always has consequences. If you and your wife are both reasonable, you can work through the problems that came from choosing not to wait.
2024 Year End 18% of 15,000 raised as of 12/15
Help us meet our goal! Be a part of helping marriages by supporting us with your prayers and finances. Thanks, Paul & Lori
Donate with Check or BillPay
Print out our donation form and mail it with your check or money order. Make checks payable to The Marriage Bed. Or skip the form and put “Paul & Lori” in the memo.
Mail to:
Paul & Lori c/o The Marriage Bed, Inc. 4641 Lyons Hill Road Springdale, WA 99173
I’d like to introduce you to the concept of situationally reasonable.
Imagine you and your wife are lost in the wilderness, and dangerously hungry. In that situation, it’s reasonable to give her grubs to eat. The same offer in the backyard at home is not reasonable.
Understanding the situation is an important part of knowing if something is reasonable or not.
Two marriage applications for this:
When you think your wife has done something unreasonable, learn about the situation before you ask her what possessed her to do such a thing.
When you do something odd because it was reasonable given the situation, inform your wife about the situation before you tell her what you did. Likewise, when you’re going to propose something odd; start by clarifying the situation that makes your suggestion less crazy than it would normally be.
We’ve had a lot of problems with the donation widget this year. So I built one from scratch. Use the links below, or click here.
2024 Year End 10% of 15,000 raised as of 12/11
Help us meet our goal! Be a part of helping marriages by supporting us with your prayers and finances. Thanks, Paul & Lori
Donate with Check or BillPay
Print out our donation form and mail it with your check or money order. Make checks payable to The Marriage Bed. Or skip the form and put “Paul & Lori” in the memo.
Mail to:
Paul & Lori c/o The Marriage Bed, Inc. 4641 Lyons Hill Road Springdale, WA 99173
Do you presume on your wife during the holiday season?
You presume she will get gifts for the kids? You presume she will wrap gifts you buy? How often do you presume on her time? What about presuming on her good will?
Make a point of asking if she can do what you want her to do for you. Ask early, and if she says no, find another solution.
We’re still working on your year-end giving, and it’s been a slow start! You can give online, or by mail.
Donate with Check or BillPay
Print out our donation form and mail it with your check or money order. Make checks payable to The Marriage Bed. Or skip the form and put “Paul & Lori” in the memo.
Mail to:
Paul & Lori c/o The Marriage Bed, Inc. 4641 Lyons Hill Road Springdale, WA 99173
It’s easy to invalidate your wife’s reality. You can do it without meaning to do so, and without having a clue you’ve done it.
Her perception may or may not be accurate, but it’s still what she sees and how she feels. Dismissing that makes her feel disrespected, and it’s not good for your marriage.
You can accept her experience and still disagree with her conclusions about what her experience means. What’s more, she’s far more likely to listen to you and consider your reality when you challenge her in this way.
I use AI to suggest titles and SEO data for my posts. And every time I put in something about porn, what it kicks back includes the words “porn addiction”.
Here’s the thing; porn addiction is not a real thing. Addiction is a word that has a specific meaning, and porn doesn’t check all the boxes. Those who argue porn can be addictive point out that porn use activates areas of the brain similar to those activated by using drugs. But no one has been able to show that porn use changes your brain chemistry the way true additions do, because that doesn’t happen.
Anyone who claims porn is addictive is ignoring science.
This is not to say porn is not a problem, or that it’s not difficult to walk away from. Porn use can be compulsive or obsessive, and habitual use can be a major problem.
So why does it matter that it’s not a true addiction? It matters because it’s virtually impossible to end an addiction without help. Cold turkey almost always fails when done alone, and weaning oneself without help also fails. A habit on the other hand can be dealt with by making life changes and exercising self-control.
I think those who struggle with porn want it to be an addiction so they feel less guilt about continuing to do it. Guys, it’s a lie. You’re not addicted, and if you want to stop, you can. I’m not going to tell you stopping is easy, but plenty of guys have done it, and so can you.
Thought question: if you knew that willingly looking at porn one more time would result in the end of your marriage, might you find the ability to stop? What if you knew everyone you know would be shown the porn you watched, would that put you off it?
