I’ve come to the conclusion that there is one single cause for all divorces and unhappy marriages:
We fail to do what we should because of selfishness. We do things we should not because of selfishness. We withhold grace and forgiveness because of selfishness.
We may blame what we do wrong on our wife’s selfishness. And while that will often be valid, we could instead deal with our selfish response to her selfishness.
The good news in this is the way to a better marriage is simple: work on being less selfish. Do please note that generosity is the opposite of selfishness.
Unfortunately I feel the opposite, my mask is on at home just to keep the peace. As soon as the door opens my authentic self is gone, and I try not to make waves, stay in the background, etc.. I am more myself in front of friends and people that I know love me unconditionally. Makes for a difficult, but content life. We all give up something. ~ Seen on Quora
I got that in reply to my saying my marriage is where I can be myself. The comment made me very sad for the person who shared it.
I get why people do this, and I know there are times when it seems the best option available. But when you live a lie in your marriage, your marriage is crippled. Or worse. Your marriage will never get better, and it will shrivel over time. You are setting yourself up for divorce or living as roommates.
If you’ve done this for years, changing is going to be difficult, for both of you. But it’s the right thing to do. The best approach is to be honest up front. Tell your wife you have been hiding part of who you are to avoid difficulties. Explain you realise this is bad for you and for your marriage, and you want to change. Ask for grace, and promise to give plenty of the same.
From time to time, I see or work with a man on the verge of his wife filing for divorce, who responds by becoming hyper-spiritual. He proclaims that her actions and choices are due to either his wife falling away from the Lord, or demonic activity, or both.
In some cases, this is just an escalation of how he has been for a long time. Other times, the man becomes this way when he realises his wife is thinking of getting out.
I’m all for being spiritual, but hyper-spirituality is something else. The man starts gossiping about his wife in the name of seeking prayer. He may pray for his wife, but he also judges her.
There are two problems.
First, these guys never show any grace for their wife. I’m sure they could tell you why her sins mean she doesn’t deserve grace, but that’s just justification. And it violates the message of the gospel.
The second problem is these men are so focused on all the things she is doing wrong, they don’t look at what they are doing wrong. And usually when men go down this path, there is a lot of wrong treatment of their wife in their past. They think they have dealt with it and God has forgiven them, so they see it as a non issue. But even if he has changed, expecting his wife to forgive him and turn on a dime is silly.
If you see yourself in what I have described, please know your actions are driving your wife away. I’ve never seen this work out for a man, and I’ve seen it end marriages that might have been saved.
If you’re not giving grace and forgiveness at every turn, you are not treating your wife as Jesus would have you treat her.
Last Tuesday, we lost power just after 8 PM. We got power back 33 hours later.
We live up a mountain, and there are a lot of trees near the power wires, so storms and wet snow can be a problem. There are only a few dozen homes here, so we’re a low priority. It’s been a while since we were out for more than 24 hours, but we lose power a dozen or more times a year. Three and half days is our record.
After a few minutes, when it’s clear it’s not temporary, the three guys on the property swing into action. Breakers are flipped, generators are fired up, and we go on with life. We can’t run everything at once, but we can get by just fine, including Internet access and hot showers.
Most of you don’t have a generator, house batteries, and back up propane heat. And most of you really don’t need those things. We have them because not having them would be inconvenient to a serious problem depending on the time of year and how long the power is out. We work from home, and must have Internet. And this time of year, a day without heat would make our home uncomfortable and nearing unliveable.
You can’t be ready for every possible emergency. But a wise man understands the problems that are likely, and makes preparations for those things.
This idea should also be applied to our marriages. And it will vary from one couple to another. If your wife has mental health issues, you have possible problems that others don’t have. Likewise for physical health issues. If she works outside the home, the loss of her job and income could be an emergency. And so on.
Some things are inconveniences, others could be full on disasters. How likely something is and how bad it could be should inform your concern and preparation.
It’s no fun to think about what could go wrong in your marriage, but doing so could make the difference between a bump in the road and a threat to your marriage.
Why do we feel the need to be right so strongly that we’re willing to make a mess of our marriage to prove ourselves?
I ask this as a guy who has made the wrong choice on this many, many times. I’m getting better, but even after forty years it’s still a fight at times. And honestly, I find it more tempting with my wife than with others.
I’m sure pride is involved, but I think it’s more about self identity. I’m very close to Lori, and I love that. But I think I feel a need to differentiate myself from her. Psychology talks about self-differentiation, which is distinguishing your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours from others in your family system. We all did this with our family of origin when we were growing up. If mom and/or dad made that difficult, we may be more prone to get agitated about it with our wife.
It’s good to be your own person. It’s good for your wife to be her own person. The trick is embracing the differences between you and your wife in a loving and grace-filled way. Making a choice to do this is a great starting place.
Along these lines, a reminder to myself. Even if you’re right, being a jerk makes you wrong!
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Let’s talk about ageing parents. This is a common marriage problem for middle age couples, and it seems to be getting worse.
There are plenty of potential struggles. It could be mom’s memory, or that dad should no longer be driving. It might be health issues, or a parent who can no longer live alone but still wants to. Some parents fight help they need, while others expect their kids to give up their lives to be there for every little thing.
If you and your wife are in agreement, and both work to do what you think is right, it will be difficult. But it’s not going to derail your marriage. However, real problems can arise when you and your wife don’t agree about what is needed, or how much you should be doing.
We are told to honour our parents, and I certainly think helping them as they age is a part of that. But there must be boundaries. Expecting you to regularly drive across the state, or fly across the country, is unacceptable. We told Lori’s mom we would gladly care for her, if necessary, but she would have to move to us for that.
You have to decide what are real needs that no one else is going to meet. And you have to consider the time and energy your kids and your marriage need from you.
Additionally, your parents have to be reasonable to you and your wife. And her parents need to be reasonable with both of you too. Don’t put up with abuse or bad-mouthing.
If you’re not yet in this season, this is the time to talk with your wife about what’s to come. It’s also a great time to start setting better boundaries. If you’re already in this, ongoing discussions are critical. If the two of you can’t find common ground, you might need to get some help.
Sacrificing your marriage for parents is both wrong and unbiblical!
On Thursday, I said hurting our wives always harms our marriages. Today I want to give a real life, bedroom example.
You want sex. You ask if she is interested in having sex. She says no. And you get angry, or moody, or ignore her for the next 24 hours.
Any of these reactions hurts your wife. But they do more than that. They make you seem selfish, or childish, or manipulative. And any of these things makes you less sexy, which decreases her interest in sex in the future. And that harms your marriage.
I suspect most of us can identify with this example. And we could argue it’s a natural reaction. But it being natural doesn’t make it right or good. Being natural doesn’t change how it makes us look, how she feels about that, or that it makes us less sexually desirable.
If you’re trying to make her feel bad, or guilt her into sex, odds are she knows that’s what you’re doing. And that’s even worse for her and for your marriage.
Doing things that hurt your wife is destructive. Learn to do better.
I realise this is kind of obvious, but the reality is most men hurt their wives from time to time despite knowing this truth.
So why do we do it? Why do we keep doing something we know is hurting her?
It might be a lack of self-control. In our anger, fear, or pain, we do or say something that makes us feel better, even though we know it’s hurting her and thus harming our marriage.
In truth, it’s rarely about self-control. If we don’t act that way with other people, then we have the ability to control ourselves. We do it with our wife, and maybe our kids, because we choose to do it. We like the way it makes us feel. Or we use it to avoid a discussion we don’t want to have. We do it to manipulate or control.
Of course none of this is wise, loving, or acceptable to God. And we know that, even as we justify it to ourselves.
When did you last hurt your wife because you chose to not control yourself? How did that work out? Was it a good thing to do?
