Margin - The Generous Husband

Silent Crisis: Busyness is Creating Sexless Marriages

by The Generous Husband | Dec 28, 2024 | Margin, Seeing Clearly, Sexuality

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I’ve been aware of a growing trend of sexless marriages in Asian countries for several decades. In the early nineties, a Japanese psychiatrist introduced the term “sexless couple”. He defined that as a couple with no circumstances preventing sex who go without sex by mutual agreement. Today, it’s estimated 45% of Japanese couples are sexless. In South Korea, 35% of married couples are sexless. And in both countries, half again as many are in low sex marriages.

Of course, there’s plenty of masturbation going on, as well as a good deal of sex with prostitutes. One researcher said having sex with your partner requires a lot of energy. Paid sex is easier and less costly in terms of time and energy. Masturbation is easier still. It’s been suggested Japanese and South Korean couples are so sexless because they are too exhausted for married sex.

And we in the US are going the same way. The best study I could find puts sexless here at 15% of marriages. Many think that’s an undercount, and when you include low sex marriages, the number easily passes a third of couples.

And again, lack of time and energy is the biggest factor. There are a lot of couples out there where both husband and wife are masturbating. They want sex, but they don’t have what it takes to do that with their spouse. Solo sex comes down to being practical.

A lot of guys who say they want more sex don’t have the time and energy to engage in the kind of sex that would be good for their wife. Their complaint is hollow because they’re unwilling to do what it would take to make more sex mutually enjoyable.

Busyness is a national epidemic. It’s hurting our physical and mental health. It’s hurting our children. Furthermore, it’s killing our marriages and our sex lives. How this will progress has already been shown by Japan and South Korea.

I’ve made this about sex to get your attention. But there are a lot of good reasons beyond sex to rethink how busy we are. Please take some time to pray about this issue. Then do what you think is right with God in 2025.

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Time Envelopes: A Practical Approach to Work-Life Balance

by The Generous Husband | Sep 3, 2024 | Her Needs, Margin, Your Needs

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I see a good deal about having a healthy work-life balance. Getting that right is necessary for your sanity, for your physical and mental health, and for your marriage.

One of the side effects of my doing a real sabbath rest every week has been creating a better work-life balance without trying.

I have developed a habit of making certain non-work things in my life must do. They have a minimum amount of time I will spend on them. Most of these will get more time if it’s available, but they won’t get less time unless something extraordinary happens.

It’s a lot like Dave Ramsey’s envelope system. Time put in the “be with family envelope” doesn’t get used for anything else. Likewise, for time assigned to relaxing or spending time with my wife.

The difficult part is not feeling guilty about breaking from an important task to play with my grandkids or follow my wife into the bedroom. When something is overdue, it can be a challenge to switch to something else. Sabbath has taught me how to do that because sabbath is a hard stop no matter what. Spending time for non-work things has become the same way.

This could mean I don’t accomplish things that need to get done. I avoid that by having enough margin to do what’s critical, not putting too much on my plate, and regularly reassessing my time use. I’ve also learned to set realistic goals, and to modify goals if it becomes apparent I miscalculated.

If you want to do this, I suggest you start with a couple of time envelopes. Make one something you really enjoy doing, and the other time with your wife. Assign those things a minimum amount of time each week, and make that happen unless some catastrophe occurs.

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FF: Learn To Say No To Time Thieves

by The Generous Husband | Feb 23, 2024 | Audio, Change, DoLessin2024, Friday Flashback, Good Marriage, Margin, Money, ZIMAGE

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Did you read my post, about budgeting your time, and think “might work for you, but you don’t understand my life!”?

I get it, really, I do. I know when you have kids, things come up. I know friends, in-laws, your boss, and so many others drop things on you and expect you to spend some of your limited time doing something for or with them.

Maybe you need to learn to say no more often.

If you’re asked to spend time on something you don’t think is important, and it robs you of time you would devote to what you think is important, then no is the right answer. And it’s the right answer, even if it offends someone. Whom you offend and how much you offend them is a consideration, but letting others decide how you spend your time is like letting others decide how you spend your money!

If a certain friend or group of friends demands more time than you think you should give, perhaps they’re not such great friends. Are they worth the cost? Is what you get from them worth as much as what you would get from spending the time in another way? The same applies to extended family; being related to you doesn’t grant people permission to tell you how to spend your money or your time.

You can’t usually say no to your boss, but you can look for another job. If your job is keeping you from having a life, or keeping your wife and/or kids from having you with them, maybe you need to rethink the job. Possibly, you also need to rethink how much you have so you can work less and have more time for life.

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[This post first appeared Aug 01, 2012.]

FF: Budgeting Your Most Valuable Asset: Time

by The Generous Husband | Feb 16, 2024 | Audio, Change, DoLessin2024, Her Needs, Margin, Seeing Clearly, Your Needs

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You can’t “spend” the same time twice; when you use it for something, you can’t do anything else with it. This is obvious, but we live in a culture that seems to be in denial about this simple fact. If we listed all the things we want to get done in a week, and how long it would take to do all those things, many would find the total greatly exceeds the number of waking hours in a week. Some try to fix this by sleeping less, which is harmful in a great many ways.

I used to run too busy most of the time. I had good reasons for this: ran my own business, raising a family, things to do at church, ministry on the side, and on and on. Gradually, I realised what I was doing wasn’t sane, and certainly wasn’t the best thing for the people I love most. I began to budget my time, much as one budgets money. Amounts of time are locked in for one thing. My sleep time is one of these; I get enough sleep to be healthy and functional, and exceptions to this are rare and for very good reasons. My time with my wife is another block I guard closely and only rarely violate. Certain meetings and activities are also protected; some of these are work or ministry related, but some are recreational.

I’m still busy, but my busyness is during parts of the day devoted to that. I sometimes work like crazy till the end of my “work day”, then I stop and kick back. Initially it was difficult to do this; I wanted to keep going, to finish something, to reach a certain point. And this is especially tempting since I work from home! However, doing that meant not doing other things, things I believe are important. This has become easier with time, and I see the benefits of living this way. I’m more relaxed, I feel better, and when I am working hard, I’m more productive.

There are times when I break my rules, but only with thought and discussion with my wife. I just finished a major project for the day job. There were deadlines, and then I had unforeseen problems. I was forced to take time from a couple of places, including part of what I normally give Lori. However, I was very aware I was doing this, and I was motivated to get past the need to do it. If I found I had to do this kind of thing regularly, I would know something was wrong, and it would be time to re-examine my time budget.

Try a time budget. Make blocks of time, and do only what you have scheduled for each block. No matter what is left to be done, when time it up, move on. Be sure to include time for sleep, for relaxation, and time with your wife.

[This post first appeared July 31, 2012.]

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Streamline Your Schedule for a Simpler Holiday Season

by The Generous Husband | Nov 20, 2023 | Audio, Her Needs, Margin, Your Needs, ZIMAGE

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How could you simplify life for the next six weeks? The holidays can be great, but that comes with a certain amount of busy and crazy. Too much busy and crazy is a problem.

As the holidays add to your life, is there anything you usually do that you could suspend or do less often? Even fun things and things that are good for you could be on that list. For example, the YMCA will be open on Friday, but given all my commitments with family for the Thanksgiving weekend, I’ve decided I can get by swimming only one day next week.

Trimming your schedule of things you usually do makes time and energy for the things that you want to add.

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Add a Sabbath Rest to Defeat Busyness

by The Generous Husband | Oct 24, 2023 | Apply the Bible, Audio, Links to good stuff, Margin, Series, ZIMAGE

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When I originally wrote the sin of busyness series in June of 2012, Lori and I were not yet doing Sabbath – so it didn’t get mentioned. Now I see what an important part of the puzzle Sabbath is.

God created us. He knows how we function, and what hurts our bodies and minds. Six days of work followed by a day of rest is a healthy rhythm. Science has repeatedly shown that regular rest and time away from work make us physically and mentally healthier, results in longer lives, and make us more productive.

Lori and I have been doing a true day of rest on Wednesdays for just over a decade. Neither of us would go back to what we had before, and we’d make some pretty significant sacrifices to be able to have a day of rest.

A cycle of work and rest has so many benefits. It’s far easier to push hard when you know a real rest is coming. A day of rest also forces you to set reasonable goals. A day off recharges both the body and the mind. On Thursdays, I am physically and mentally ready to work. I find my creativity is much better, and I often have good ideas come into my head on my day off.

For us, a day of rest means no income producing work, other than checking comments. It also means no significant physical exertion. We don’t set an alarm that morning. We rest, eat foods we like, and engage in various forms of intimacy. Sometimes there is a time of prayer or working on dealing with injuries from our past. We may do some vision casting and planning.

I understand how impossible it sounds to do what we do. It took us years to go from seeing we needed to do it to actually doing it. My only regret is we didn’t do it decades earlier.

Society will tell you that you can’t afford a day of rest. Both science and the scriptures tell us we can’t afford not to. Choose wisely!

Resource: A Day of Rest: 12 Scientific Reasons It Works | Inc.

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Don’t Let Church Make You Too Busy

by The Generous Husband | Oct 23, 2023 | Audio, Faith walk, Friday Flashback, Margin, Marriage Killer, Series, ZIMAGE

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As someone said in the comments a few days ago, another source of business is church. This comes in three flavours or a mix of them:

Feeling you have to be at church every time the doors are open. I have a friend who says Jesus did not come that we might “Have meetings and those more abundantly.” I’m all for worship, prayer, fellowship, discipleship, Bible study, small groups, and so on and so forth, but too many programs and meetings is too many no matter how worthy each one may be. When frequent church meetings hurt your family or your marriage, you are NOT in line with God’s Word. Please don’t let anyone guilt you into attending things to which you should say no. You, not those guilting you, will answer to God for how you use your time.
Doing too much ministry. I love to minister, especially when I see God use it to change lives, and honestly it can be addictive. Some minster “too much” out of fear, guilt, pride, or because they are manipulated into it. I’ve known youth minsters who didn’t have time for their own children, and marriage minsters whose marriages were in deep trouble. God is clear we’re neither qualified nor allowed to minister if we lack good relationships with our spouse and children. I’m not saying you have to be perfect to minster, but if there are significant problems, you need to scale back or stop ministry until things get better.
It’s your job. Those of us paid to minster can misjudge the proper priority for ministry because it is both ministry and employment. If you have those two things as, say, fourth and fifth place on your priority list, do not think the two being the same elevates it to third place? It’s still fourth and fifth.

We should minister because we love God, not to prove we love Him. Our relationship with God and our ministry are related, but they’re not the same thing. The fact that God is first does not mean ministry trumps all other activities and responsibilities.

Leaders: PLEASE do not allow your people to do too much church or ministry. I’m not just saying don’t overwork them, I am saying don’t allow them to do too much. We have a responsibly to God for those He places in our care, and if we allow them to do too much, we will answer for it.

Church members: Don’t be guilty of trying to push your pastor and other leaders to do more than they should. Most church members have no idea what a pastor’s life is like, and how much pressure they face. A few stats (from the New York Times – August 1, 2010):

33% of pastors say being in ministry is a hazard to their families.
40% of pastors, and 47% of pastor’s spouses, are suffering from burnout or being excessively busy.
More than half say they would leave the pastorate if they had a good job offer elsewhere.
80% of pastors say they do not have enough time with their spouse.
90% work more than 50 hours a week.

The vast majority of pastors are overworked, underpaid, stressed, and grossly under-appreciated. You can make a difference for your pastor, and your pastor’s family. Fight for your pastor to have enough pay, enough help, and enough off time to have a healthy family life.

[This post first appeared July 1, 2012.]

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Being Too Busy is Robbing Your Wife of Good Sex

by The Generous Husband | Oct 21, 2023 | Audio, Friday Flashback, Her Needs, Margin, Series, Sexuality, ZIMAGE

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The posts on busyness came about because of the number of women who indicated they said no to sex because they were too tired, which is mostly about being too busy. Today, I want to differentiate between being too busy for sex, and being too busy for good sex.

For men, there may not be an issue here; as long as we can make a few minutes for sex, we can have good sex. This is not the case for the vast majority of women. For a woman to really enjoy sex, she needs time to slow down, set things aside, and get her head into a sexual place. Women also require a relationship connection for sex to be desired and enjoyed, and such a connection takes a good bit of non-sexual time with her man. She can coast for a while on the past, but if you don’t share time with her for too long, it will start to affect her sexually.

Additionally, women are not “turned on” as fast as men, and being tired or stressed makes it even worse. Tiredness and stress also get in the way of having an orgasm, making it difficult, more effort than it’s worth, or just plain impossible.

I have said this before, and I will keep saying it: busyness is a sure way to ruin your sex life. In order to keep wanting and enjoying sex, your wife must have time with you, and she must have enough sleep and time to relax. This is not an issue of her holding sex hostage till she gets what she wants; being tired and busy affects her sexuality in ways she can’t control. If she’s too busy and sex is really important to you, you must work to make changes. If you don’t work for those changes, either you don’t get it, or sex isn’t as important to you as what fills your time.

[This post first appeared June 30, 2012.]

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