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I got the expected push-back from saying porn is not addictive. I know a lot of Christian groups and some secular ones say it is an addiction. But they base this on something less than solid science. The hard science says it’s not. There is a difference between physical addiction and mental habituation. Porn is the latter. I suspect we will have to agree to disagree on this.

So let’s talk about getting free. My story of freedom from porn is part of why it matters to me that it’s not an addiction. 

I started to look at porn at age seven. When puberty kicked in, it became a nightly thing. In the mid ’70s Christians didn’t talk about porn, and my Christian father had porn, so I figured it was okay. At the age of fifteen, I realised it was not okay with God. So I prayed, threw out a big stash of porn, and never slipped. The next time I looked at porn was eight years later, when Lori found a porn magazine and was curious. I looked over her shoulder, and that was it. No relapse.

It took me years to realise that I didn’t do that in my own power. God answered my prayers and made me able to resist the temptation. But I’m not special, what God did for me, He will do for others.

One of the foundational precepts of our faith is that we can’t live a holy life on our own power; we need God’s help. And often part of that help means leaning on other followers. For porn, that could be a friend, or a group, or a ministry that helps people get free. In rare cases, it can be a man’s wife.

As you work towards being porn free, I would encourage you to see freedom as never again choosing to look at porn. This is my experience, and I’ve heard the same from others. Sure, there is still a pull, but it’s not anything like it was when I first stopped. It’s a minor nudge that’s easy to ignore.

Ultimately, whatever works to get you free of porn is great. Below are a few resources to get you started:

Be Broken: Long my favourite resource for this. They also offer support for wives of men struggling with porn.

Pure Desire: The group talks about unwanted sexual behaviour rather than addiction. They may use that word some, but their focus seems good to me.

Celebrate Recovery: This is an AA style ministry that deals with unwanted behaviours, including porn. I’ve heard good things from friends who belong to a CR group. This would be a great choice if you struggle with alcohol, drugs, or other addictive behaviour along with porn use.

Aldrich Ministries: This is the ministry that Lori and I joined to do online coaching. We don’t deal with this issue, but others do. Sam Scales would be a great help dealing with porn.

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Ever since I stopped making a living doing very physical labour, I’ve struggled with my weight. I like food; I enjoy flavour. 

A couple of times I have dropped a good deal of weight. And while I’ve not always kept it all off, it’s been fifteen years since I was within 50 pounds of my all-time high. When I have lost weight, it was because I didn’t like how the weight was limiting me physically. The negatives of over eating were bigger for me than the benefits of over eating.

You will stop using porn when the negatives you perceive from using it outweigh the benefits you get from using it.

So, a critical step to getting free of porn is understanding why you keep using it. What benefit do you gain?

For the most part, we use porn to escape. We use it to medicate our pain, to dull the way reality hurts us. Getting horny does things to us that distracts us and make us feel better. Getting horny and then coming does this even better. This is why we use porn.

Once you see the benefits, it’s time to allow yourself to see the negatives of porn. Perhaps admit it’s a sin God cares about. Or accept that it hurts your wife and always will. Or realise it’s only ever harmed your sex life.

Nothing I, your wife, nor any other person says can make you stop. But if you honestly weight the benefits and negatives, that should do it.

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If you want to have great sex, you have to make your bedroom a great place to have sex. So let’s look at some things that make a bedroom sex friendly for a woman:

1. Temperature: Women run cooler than men. If the temperature is good for you, she’s probably cool or cold. And that’s not good for sex. During the winter, a small heater to boost the temperature can warm her up to sex nicely. A heated mattress pad with dual controls is even better.
2. Lighting: I know you want to see her naked under a spotlight. Even if your wife isn’t uptight about her body, bright lights aren’t romantic. Twinkle lights are romantic. So is dim lighting. And if she has significant body images, red lighting may help her relax.
3. Comfortable Bed: Is it big enough? Are the sheets comfy? Are there pillows to make her comfortable for certain positions?
4. Privacy: Unless you live alone, a lock on the door is the must. Some cover noise is also good. Worrying about being walked in on or heard will keep her from relaxing into sex.
5. Clutter Free: If the room is messy, her mind may not be on sex. If it’s your mess, she may be upset with you. Additionally, if you just had a hard discussion in the bedroom, that’s a problem. Keep the room neat, both physically and emotionally.
6. Everything Handy: Are the items you need for sex close by and easy to grab? Lubricant, condoms, sex toys, and towels should be ready to go.

Most of these things would not interfere with, much less keep you from having, sex. But most women will be less likely to say yes, and less likely to enjoy when they do say yes, if the room is not sex positive.

BTW: Last week on The Generous Wife, I wrote a post entailed When ‘No’ Isn’t Enough: The Trauma of Coerced Sex. Every man who cares about women need to read it.

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In, What do you mean by “need”? I said I felt sorry for anyone living with a spouse who only felt they had to meet needs, not wants. Of course, it’s not that clear in most marriages.

We’re happy to give what we like to give, and what’s not too difficult for us to give. We don’t quibble over those things being wants or needs. We start to draw those lines when our spouse expresses a desire for something we don’t want to do, don’t enjoy doing, find difficult, or don’t value. When we’re unwilling, we argue about wants vs needs.

Often we argue this in our minds to justify our actions. We think, “I give her what she needs, and a lot of what she wants.”. Never mind, you do not give her three of the four things she most desires. You give her some things that are less important to her, thinking that somehow makes up for it. Of course, if she fails to meet any of your top desires, you get upset. But that’s different, right? What we want is reasonable, what she wants is not. What we want should be easy for her, while some of what she wants is very difficult for us. She has more free time, or less stress in her life, or… well there has to be some reason why it is so wrong for her to say no and so understandable for me to say no!

Or, perhaps we’re just selfish? I know I certainly am!

Here’s a plan: spend less time looking for reasons why it is okay to not meet her wants and needs, and more time meeting those desires. Treat them all as valid needs, and focus on those she says are the most important. If she wants it, it’s not wrong, and it won’t cause problems (including but not limited to financial problems) then do everything in your power to give it to her. 

Might this result in her starting to do the same for you? It almost certainly will: but don’t do it for that reason. Do it because it is the right thing to do. Do it because you love her. Do it because she deserves it. Become a radical husband!

[This post first appeared Sept 19, 2012.]

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A common excuse for porn use is “I do it because my wife says no to sex”. Or “refuses to do oral” or “won’t have sex with the lights on.”

If you looked at porn before you were married, this excuse is not valid. Your wife’s sexual reluctance may be a trigger, but it’s not the cause.

The other thing I hear porn users say about their wife is she is overreacting to his porn use.

I want to address that without discussing the fact it’s sin. If my wife felt it was wrong to consume alcohol, and I did not, I wouldn’t drink. This is about being a decent person. It’s about respecting her beliefs even if I disagree with her. I’m not suggesting we do this for every little thing, but when something greatly offends or is seen as sin, I think the weaker brother doctrine requires us to abstain.

If your wife hates you using porn, and you keep doing it, you are putting the porn ahead of her. There is no other way to parse it, because that is the choice you have made. 

I’ll pick this issue up again next week. Do be praying.

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Today, I want to deal with the lies and excuses we use to avoid dealing with porn. We tell ourselves these things because doing so makes us feel better about not ending our porn use.

It’s Not Really Wrong: I’ve had guys try to use the Bible to prove this. But they do so by taking things out of context and violating basic rules about interpreting scripture. Getting turned on by, or getting off to, women other than your wife is contrary to what God intended. 

It’s A Victimless Act: I’m not going to tell you how the women who do porn are victims, became the reality today is that most of them are entirely willing. However, it hurts you. Many studies have shown men who look at porn regularly objectify women. And no, you’re not the exception. It hurts your wife, your marriage, and your sex life. It also hurts your walk with God.

It’s Okay Because I’m Not Lusting: Bull. We do porn because of the sexual arousal it provides. If it didn’t make you horny, you wouldn’t do it. And that arousal is proof of lust.

Yes, I’m being blunt and harsh here. But these things block freedom from porn, and they need to be attacked.

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Are you a porn again Christian? You’ve stopped a number of times, and just keep falling back into it?

First, no condemnation. Second, we can walk away and stay away.

Most of us first saw porn before puberty. Maybe we stumbled on it, maybe someone introduced us to it. But for the most part we didn’t go looking for it, and when we saw it we were powerless. It hooked into a part of our brain we may not even have known we had. And when puberty came along, it poured gasoline on that little porn habit, making it a raging monster.

While it was sin, it was not a sin most of us chose. At least not at first. I’ve talked to a lot of men who hate their porn habit and want to be free of it. But after a couple of decades it’s deeply rooted and difficult to stop.

I’m going to do several more posts on this. If you feel you’re a slave to porn, please start praying and believe that God can set you free.

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You have no doubt heard of the orgasm gap. If you have somehow managed to miss it, the short version is when a man has sex with a woman, he is far more likely to come than she is. Most of the time when this is discussed, the gist of it is this happens because men are selfish and/or bad at sex.

If one digs into the facts, the situation is not as it is usually portrayed. 

In a hook-up or one-night stand situation, the woman’s chance of having an orgasm is indeed low, while the man’s chances are high. In an ongoing casual relationship, the woman’s chances are a bit better. And in a long term marriage, the woman’s odds of orgasm are almost as good as the man’s.

It’s not an orgasm gap. It’s an intimacy gap. Most men find it easy to enjoy sex without an intimate relationship. Most women find it difficult to do that. So, sex without a real intimate relationship, has a high orgasm gap. And sex with a committed intimate relationship has a much smaller gap.

If there’s a significant orgasm gap in your marriage, a lack of intimacy is the most likely reason for that. If you say, “My wife just doesn’t want to come as often as I do,” her lack of desire may be about a lack of non-sexual intimacy.

It’s not the only reason for a marriage orgasm gap, but it’s a common one. What’s more, it may intensify the effect of other things.

Just something to ponder.

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