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I want to talk about the so-called orgasm gap today. This is a tricky issue since most of the studies about it are poorly done in one way or another. For example, it’s known that a woman in a relationship is six times more likely to orgasm than if she hooks up. And yet in many studies, the relationship status is not part of the calculations. We also know that orgasm is far more common for women as they get older. But many studies are about college age folks, or include a disproportionate number of such people. All of this skews the numbers – a lot. The orgasm gap for twentysomethings having casual sex is significantly greater than for middle-age married couples.
Beyond that, a lot of “research” is being done by folks with an axe to grind. One report I read said, “One of the reigning myths that helps maintain the orgasm gap is that there are inherent gender differences for why men and women have sex.” The reality is, there is plenty of well done science that shows there are gender differences about this. I don’t see how denying reality is helping anyone.
All of that said, the orgasm gap is real, and it does exist in marriage. Some think that is because women just don’t care about sex as much as men, but there is growing evidence this is not the case. (I’m working on a few posts about that.) But the perception that sex is less important to women is part of the problem. Some women don’t push for orgasm because they have bought the lies.
So what can a loving husband do to close the orgasm gap in his marriage?
The 2009 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior found women are more likely to orgasm when they engage in a variety of sex acts, and especially when oral sex is included. But it wasn’t just that those other things were getting her off. If those other things happened, some women were more likely to orgasm during intercourse.
You have probably heard that most women can’t come for intercourse alone. This is more or less true. When we look at middle-age women in long term relationships, we find that about half sometimes climax from intercourse with no added stimulation. A few find it easy to do that every time, others may struggle to come or only do so occasionally. If your wife finds it easy and consistent, great. If not, you need to do more for her.
Oral sex is a great way to give your wife an orgasm, and it should always be on the menu. It’s also excellent foreplay. So it might be foreplay one time and the way she comes another time; and both of those are good. A vibrator is also a good way to ensure she comes. Learn how to use a vibe to drive her wild, and to finish her off when that is what she wants. You can also put a small vibe between your bodies during intercourse. This is the only way some women will come from intercourse, and others will find it makes for much better orgasms.
When you have sex, I suggest you ask her something like “How do you want to come today” and then do what she wants. And of course, she is encouraged to change her mind along the way. If your mouth or a vibe gets her going, she may decide she wants to ride you, or have you ride her. Knowing you will gladly give her what she needs to come will help her a great deal.
A post worth reading:
The Hero Husband Project | The #1 Reason You’re Not Getting the Physical Intimacy You Want (and How to Fix It)◄ More on making sex work for her.
Image Credit: © paulcannoby | stock.adobe.com
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