Vibrators Can Enhance Intimacy as Well as Pleasure

by | Mar 16, 2024 | Audio, Rethinking Sex, ZIMAGE

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There was some push-back on my recent posts about using a vibrator during sex. I fully expected that. I’m going to address one of the most common concerns.

One claim I hear is that vibrators get in the way of intimacy. But I also hear the opposite almost as often. So I would guess it’s more about the minds of those involved. And the situation. A woman being unable to climax when she wants to gets in the way of intimacy. A man hearing “I’m not going to come, you go ahead and finish” interferes with feeling intimate. And not even wanting to have sex because it’s just too much of a hassle does not lead to intimacy!

Couple in bed. His hand is under the sheets. She is havig an orgasm.

If I give my wife an orgasm with a vibrator, I am giving her an orgasm. I’m using a vibe instead of my mouth, my hand, or my penis. Or, I’m using the vibe along with one of those body parts. I don’t just stick it between her legs and wait for her to come. I move it. I play with her. I tease her. I control the speed and amount of contact to build her to the edge, and then I make a change that I know will take her over that edge. Or I back off, let her cool down just a bit, and start in again, to give her more pleasure. To me, using or not using a vibrator is like the difference between finger painting and using a brush. Both are valid art forms. Some folks prefer one over the other. But in both cases, I’m the artist.

I think some guys worry about not being “man enough” to give their wife an orgasm without a vibrator. As I see it, if a vibe means she comes more easily, harder, longer, more often, or more times in a row, then I need to be “man enough” to do that for her. And when I have done it, she is awash in the hormones and brain chemicals that cause bonding. So as we lay there afterwards, we are experiencing great intimacy.

The other concern I hear regularly is that a vibe will train a woman so that she can’t orgasm without it. I’ll discuss that next Saturday.

Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly vis stockdreams.ai
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Marriage is Like the TARDIS: Bigger and Wilder Than You Expect

by | Mar 7, 2024 | Audio, Encouragement, Faith walk, ZIMAGE

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If you’re not a Doctor Who fan, the blue box in the image is the Doctor’s time travelling spaceship.

Newly-wed couple stepping into the TARDIS

When you step into the TARDIS, you’re in for a wild ride and the adventure of your life. Crazy things will happen, and there will be a lot of running. Marriage is like that, isn’t it? When we started, we may or may not have had an idea what was going to happen or what we wanted. And any expectations about those things were quickly swept away by a whole new reality.

The other thing about the TARDIS is that it’s bigger on the inside than the outside. Marriage is this way too. What folks see on the outside is just a hint at what’s going on inside. And only those in the box know what’s really happening.

Marriage is the ultimate adventure. It’s two folks in a box going places together, often without as much control as either would like. If you can embrace the adventure and get over the lack of control, you can have a great time.

BTW, if you’re both following God, then you know He’s in control, which sure helps when it gets really crazy.

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey Carlisle | Allowing time for things to suck◄ AKA grieving. 

Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly vis stockdreams.ai
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What Makes Marriage Fantastic: A Personal Perspective

by | Mar 5, 2024 | Audio, Good Marriage, Reader Requested/Inspired, ZIMAGE

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A comment on my When You Just KNOW it Can Be Better post asked what specifically makes marriage fantastic for me. The fellow went on to say he hoped it would give him areas to target in his marriage.

I’ve been turning that over in my mind. As I’m an individual, what makes me happy about my marriage might not make other men happy. But it could get you thinking, so it seems worthwhile.

Middle age woman holding a trophy.

My marriage is fantastic because:

  • My wife wants to be right with God. From this come her integrity, and lifelong efforts to get healed and grow.
  • My wife is on my side. I don’t doubt this, even when she’s upset with me.
  • My wife puts up with me. I’m eccentric, and while that can be fun, it can be a challenge to live with for 39 years.
  • My wife tells me when she thinks I might be wrong. She’s gentle and loving, but she cares enough to challenge me.
  • My wife is my best friend. We enjoy doing things together. It makes the good better, and the bad less horrible.
  • My wife accepts my sexuality, and what I have to say about it. Because of that, we developed a great sex life.
  • My wife trusts me. I realise that is in partly about me, but it’s also a leap of faith on her part.
  • My wife has learned how to enjoy her life. She had friends and hobbies. That makes her happy, and it makes her healthier.

I could go on, but that covers much of it.

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey Carlisle | Finding ourselves (again) ◄ Yeah, it’s a lifelong process.

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Thanking Your Wife for Doing “Her Job”

by | Mar 4, 2024 | Audio, Gratitude, Links to good stuff, Simple Ideas, ZIMAGE

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Yesterday, when my wife finished the dishes, I thanked her for doing them. And not just for doing them then, I thanked her for doing them all the time.

We’ve agreed that’s “her job” (I do the cooking these days) but I still wanted her to know I appreciate her doing it.

Empty, clean kitchen sink.

What does your wife do because it’s her job that you should thank her for doing?

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey Carlisle | Sacrifices with integrity intact ◄ Not always easy, but very important.

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No, A Vibrator Won’t Ruin Sex

by | Mar 2, 2024 | Audio, Links to good stuff, Rethinking Sex, Sex Positive, ZIMAGE

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If you’ve followed me for long, you know I’m all for couples using vibrators to make sex easier or better for women. Of course, I’ve had some push back on that. Some find it sinful, although they can’t quite find a verse to support that. Others will avoid the word sin, while telling you it’s a bad idea for, ah, reasons. And then you have folks who toss around words like addition, dependent, crutch or numbing.

So let’s deal with all of that.

Sex toys in a bedside table drawer.

For decades, there have been claims that frequent vibrator use will numb a woman’s clitoris. And yet no study has shown this is the case, and several that looked for it failed to find it. Yes, very heavy vibrations can numb any part of the body, but the effect is temporary, and most women don’t want nearly as much vibration as would be required.

Others say a woman will become unable to orgasm without a vibrator. If she couldn’t orgasm until a vibrator was used, then this is a nonissue. If her ability to orgasm was hit-and-miss prior to vibrator use, why would she want to go back to that? If a vibrator mean she can climax before she gets frustrated, or result in better orgasms, why would she, or a husband who loves her, want to stop using the vibe?

I find “it’s a crutch” the most offensive claim. Should a woman come half the time, often after a long struggle, so she is not using a “crutch”? Should she have weaker orgasms and never have multiples, so she can feel good about sex being “natural”? Is far less without a vibrator in any way a good thing?

Multiple studies have found that vibrator use in coupled sex results in greater sexual satisfaction and sexual well-being for women. Seems to me that’s all we need to know.

If you’re looking for a vibrator, Married Dance has a great selection with no images of nudity or scantily clad people.

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey Carlisle | Living with the consequences ◄ Even right decisions have consequences

 

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FF: Start An Out of Town Fund

by | Mar 1, 2024 | Audio, Friday Flashback, Links to good stuff, Money, Quality Time, ZIMAGE

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The last few days, Lori and I have been on a mini vacation. Because of Dave Ramsey, this is the shortest and lowest cost vacation we’ve had in a very long time. But it’s still a much-needed break – especially since we each just finished a total revamp of a website (mine for the day job, hers as a way of giving to a ministry we support).

I’m a big believer in the need to get away together. Even if you have to beg family and friends to take the kids, pack an ice chest, and drive 50 miles, you need to get away as a couple. If it seems you can never find the money for a vacation, start a get-out-of-town fund. Figure out what you would need for a few days, and divide by 52 (weeks in a year) or however often you want to get away, and start saving. Get a glass jar, and put in the necessary money each week, no matter what. Don’t raid the jar for anything short of life or death medical events or impending foreclosure or eviction. As you save, talk about where you will go and what you will do together. 

Cup of coffee and stack of coins

You can get to a vacation faster, or get a better buy for your money, by keeping an eye on websites that offer deals on hotels. If you can get time off mid-week, you can usually get better rates on flying, rental cars, and hotels. Weekdays may also be easier if your kids are in school.

If you drop the cost of a fancy coffee into the jar every other day, you’ll have enough for a decent three-night trip in far less than a year.

[This post first appeared Aug 03, 2012.]

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey Carlisle | Emotional hibernation ◄ A good tool, if not overused.

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Not Nearly Often Enough

by | Feb 29, 2024 | Audio, Do It For Her, ZIMAGE

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Today is February 29th – a day that comes around even less often than a blue moon.

What happens far too infrequently in your marriage? I mean besides sex. What do you, or your wife, need to happen more frequently? What does your marriage need to happen more often?

For a moment, ignore what it would take to make those things happen, and ask yourself what is too rare in your marriage. There might be one big thing, or a lot of small ones. Or a lot of big ones! Pick one thing to work on. I’d suggest one of that should be fairly easy. Figure out what it would take to make it happen more frequently. Seek your wife’s help as needed. When you accomplish one, pick another.

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Move from Enough to Generous in Your Marriage

by | Feb 27, 2024 | Audio, Generosity, Seeing Clearly, ZIMAGE

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Enough ≠ Generosity

This blog is not about being enough, it’s about being generous.  

Let’s get a definition:

gen·er·ous
    /ˈjen(ə)rəs/
adjective
(of a person) showing a readiness to give more of something than is strictly necessary or expected.

More than is necessary or expected. Bingo. 

Making cappuccino, with coffee overflowing the cup.

I have been asked many, many times about the minimum a husband or wife must provide to their spouse. The question always makes me sad, became it shows a stingy heart, and you can’t build a good marriage on stingy.

I realise there is some value to knowing the minimum so you can be sure to not fall below that. But here’s the thing. If you are getting the bare minimum of something, there is no wiggle room. If you’re giving your wife just enough and something keeps you from doing that for a few days, your wife will feel unloved, uncared for, or unappreciated.  But when you’re generous, your wife has extra, and a short term drop in what you do won’t be a problem.

And of course, generosity tends to inspire generosity. And being stingy inspires stinginess. Which do you want to sow into your marriage?

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