How She Thinks - The Generous Husband

Understanding and Meeting Each Other’s Marriage Needs

by The Generous Husband | Sep 5, 2024 | Good Marriage, Her Needs, How She Thinks, YOU4HER

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On Monday, I started a discussion abut needs with the woman on The XY Code. I framed it with a definition of need from Wikipedia that I modified for marriage:

A need is something required for a safe, stable and healthy marriage.

What do you need for a healthy marriage? Most men put sex near the top of the list. That’s valid, but what else do you need? You need to feel respected. You need non-sexual intimacy, both physical and emotional. You need to do things you enjoy as a couple. If you had all the sex you could handle, and were missing some of those other things, you wouldn’t have a happy, healthy marriage. As great and important as sex is, it will never take the place of all the other things you need.

What your wife needs for a stable and healthy marriage is actually very similar to what you need. The difference is what is at the top of her list. And just as some things further down your list don’t seem to matter when sex is lacking, what’s lower on her list doesn’t do much for her when the things at the top are lacking. Or non-existent. And for many women, sex is that way. Without good communication and feeling loved, sex with you doesn’t appeal to her.

If you want a good marriage, you must figure out what your wife needs for a good marriage, and then provide her with those things. As you start to give her the things on the top of her list, other needs will show up. And yes, that may well include sex.

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Declutter to Silence Your Wife’s Mental To-Do List

by The Generous Husband | Oct 5, 2023 | Audio, Do It For Her, Her Needs, How She Thinks, ZIMAGE

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This is a follow-up on yesterday’s post about how clutter affects women. In his book entitled Goodbye, Things, minimalist Fumio Sasaki introduced the idea of the silent to-do list. He suggested that our possessions send us silent messages. Wash me, charge me, water me, read me, put me up, and on and on. Each item demands our attention for upkeep and use, and that can suck the life out of us.

I found this idea odd. But when I discussed it with Lori, she was all over it. She was immediately able to point to several things around us that were calling for her attention. I never knew!

I sort of got it by thinking of a way in which I am similar. I ignore visual clutter, but auditory clutter drives me crazy. As I write this, I am wearing headphones with music to drown out the refrigerator and the dehumidifier. If I didn’t do that, it would take me both more time and more mental/emotional energy to get this post out.

Based on what I shared yesterday, the odds are you don’t have nearly as much of a possession generated silent to-do list as your wife. But if it’s making your wife’s life more difficult, it’s making your life more difficult. Besides, you want to make things better because you love her, right?

Talk to your wife about this concept, and then make changes that will improve her life.

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Be More Aware Of Your Wife

by The Generous Husband | Oct 11, 2022 | Audio, How She Thinks, Links to good stuff, Understanding Her, YOU4HER, ZIMAGE

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When you live with someone day in and day out it’s easy to become less aware of them and what they are doing. We easily become habituated to people who are there all the time. This is a good thing in that we’re not constantly distracted. But there is a marriage negative aspect to it as well.

Giving your wife what she wants and needs requires being aware of what she wants and needs. If you pay attention, her words and actions can tell you a lot about how she’s feeling and what she might want from you. If she’s unusually quiet that could mean she’s feeling down and could use a hug or a few loving words. If she’s talking more than usual that could mean she is agitated or stressed. Maybe you can help her with that or perhaps knowing it can help you avoid an argument about something unrelated. If she seems to be avoiding you there might be a relationship issue to deal with.

This can also play out sexually. She may say or do certain things that mean she desires sex or is more open to sex than usual. Being aware of such clues would certainly be a good thing.

Every woman is different, so you will have to learn what your wife’s words and actions mean. If you get really good you can know things about her before she is consciously aware of them. That would allow you to bless her in amazing ways.

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey Carlisle | Inspired by greatness ◄ Work to be inspired by others and to inspire others.

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Men And Women Argue Differently And For Different Reasons

by The Generous Husband | Jul 7, 2022 | Audio, Communication, How She Thinks, Understanding Her, ZIMAGE

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On Monday I told the women on the XY Code to Teach Your Boys About Women. One of the things I said they needed to teach their sons is that “for women, conversation is not a full-contact sport with a winner and a loser” and that “disagreeing is fine if you can do it without being disagreeable!”

It that’s news to you, you’re welcome. But there’s more!

Women usually argue to resolve things, not to win and a necessary part of the process is hearing each other. They want you to hear what they think and feel. They also want to know what you think and feel. They would like their feeling validated, even if you don’t agree with their conclusions. They don’t argue primarily to win, they argue to understand and be understood.

Men are more about winning an argument. And we don’t need to understand another man’s thinking, much less his feelings, to do that. We want to prove we’re right and, in doing so, we prove the other guy’s wrong. Giving him time to fully express himself is counter-productive to that goal.

If you can learn to really hear what she thinks and feels, and express your thoughts and feelings to her, you will find it far easier to resolve things with your wife. Give it a try. You have nothing to lose!

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey | Lead by example ◄ Always good advice!

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