GRACE - The Generous Husband

Transform Your Marriage in 2025

by The Generous Husband | Dec 31, 2024 | ~ list info, Generosity, Good Marriage, GRACE

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Would you like a better marriage in 2025?

If you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you can expect more of the same. While there is no guarantee doing things differently will make your marriage better, not doing things differently guarantees it won’t get better.

You can greatly improve the odds of things getting better by making smart changes. More kindness, grace, and generosity are a solid plan. Watching the tone of your voice and those not quite unheard comments is a smart move. Doing more of what you know she wants and likes, and less what you know she dislikes, can only help.

I know she has her issues. But being nicer will affect her. I know you think she won’t ever change, but everyone changes.

There are times when you have to take a stand. But if you’re loving and generous in general, taking a stand isn’t more of the same. And that improves the odds she will listen to you.

Praying 2025 is an awesome year for your marriage!

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When Truth Hurts: Navigating Difficult Conversations in Marriage

by The Generous Husband | Oct 1, 2024 | Change, GRACE

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Last week I did a couple of posts in which I said hurting our wife is always harmful to our marriage. Today the caveat.

Sometimes the truth hurts. And sometimes we need to share a truth that hurts. I think some of us are way too quick to share such truths. It’s far better to make sure God wants us to share it, and to do so at this time. We also need to share with as much love and humility as possible. But even when we do it perfectly, it still hurts.

When we rightly share a truth that hurts, it may do harm to our marriage. If that happens, it is hopefully a temporary harm that leads to change and growth.

Be wise, and don’t rush to do something you know will hurt your wife.

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Striking the Right Balance Between Acceptance and Advocacy

by The Generous Husband | Feb 8, 2024 | Audio, Good Marriage, GRACE, Her Needs, Your Needs, ZIMAGE

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Following up on Tuesday’s post, when something in your marriage is not to your liking, you have two choices. You can try to cope with it, or you can lovingly seek change.

Often the biggest issue is deciding if you should cope or seek change. If you always or almost always do either of those, something is wrong.

In a healthy give and take marriage, each spouse lets some things go without mentioning them. And each decides to do this with certain minor annoyances every time those things come up. This is loving and appropriate.

However, if either of you does this most or all of the time, that’s neither right nor healthy. It doesn’t help you build a healthy relationship, and eventually it will result in problems.

Do you confront too often? Are you letting too many things go? What about your wife, is she too far either way?

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Confession: I Expect Too Much of Others

by The Generous Husband | Jan 10, 2024 | Acts of Service, Apply the Bible, Big Deal Post, GRACE, Marriage Killer, ZIMAGE

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I have a confession. I expect far too much of others. I don’t do this to my wife, and usually not to my friends, but my standards for everyone else are unfairly high. And when they fail to meet those unrealistic expectations, I silently judge them.

As I have been thinking and praying on this, I have come to suspect a big part of the problem is I think too highly of myself. I generally set a higher standard for myself than I do for others, but I suspect I’m not a fair judge of how well I meet my standards. Beyond that, I give myself grace based on my past and other things, but I don’t extend similar grace to strangers.

Doing this to strangers is wrong. Doing it to friends is a problem. Doing it to your wife is a disaster.

My wife gets a pass on this for three reasons. First, I know her history, and I give her grace based on that. Second, I chose to give her grace in general. Third, I have to live with her, and judging her the way I judge strangers would make that difficult!

I’m not saying I never question or confront my wife. I do. But I try to think and pray before I do that, and then I make a concerted effort to approach her in a soft, loving way.

I’ll be working on doing better with strangers. Or at least giving them grace in my mind. Do you need to do the same? Do you need to start with your wife?

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Missing The Mark

by The Generous Husband | Nov 6, 2022 | Audio, GRACE, Marriage Killer, ZIMAGE

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The most commonly used Greek word translated as sin means “to miss the mark”. It is either an archery term or refers to spear-throwing, depending on the source you use.

I like the idea of sin being missing the mark because it makes sin more understandable while also setting an impossibly high bar. There’s a standard. If you miss that, even by a little bit, you’ve sinned. Given that, none of us can pretend we don’t sin. We need a saviour because we have no hope of being perfect.

Thinking of sin as missing the mark also makes it less of a big deal. We all do it, all the time. I’m not saying it’s okay, but it’s human. It’s not some life-altering thing that requires us to withdraw and seek penance. Sin happens multiple times a day. We should deal with our sins and repent as needed, but we should also need to learn to bask in the grace God offers so freely.

When we sin against others we should be fast to repent and seek forgiveness. When others sin against us we should give them the kind of grace God gives us. These things are especially true with our wives, where sins stacked on sins can quickly undermine our marriage.

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Knowing When To Let It Be

by The Generous Husband | Sep 8, 2022 | Audio, Good Marriage, GRACE, Understanding Her, ZIMAGE

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The other day my son and I were talking about parenting. He said he is learning when to make a big deal about something and when to let it be and see if it will go away on its own. He has learned that sometimes when you make a big deal about something that just causes the child to dig in their feet.

Some things you have to deal with, some you can let slide and see if they go away or continue. If they continue, then you deal with them. If we look at this as choosing which hills to die on, the third alternative is to wait and see if the other side makes it a hill you have to die on.

While marriage is rather different from raising a child, there is still wisdom in knowing when to let something be. If things were tense, you can dismiss an angry tone or ugly word as the heat of the moment. If it becomes a habit you may need to say something, but if it’s a rare occurrence silent grace and forgiveness are a better choice.

The other version of this is to let it be for now, marking it in your mind to circle back around to when life is less stressful. This improves the odds your wife will agree she was too harsh and it prevents in-the-moment escalation. It also gives you time to think about the situation and honestly ask yourself if your choices and behaviour were what they should have been.

A post worth reading:

the art of non-conformity | “I Wish I’d Made That Change Later” – said no one ◄ Letting fear of regret guild you.

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Give More Than You Get

by The Generous Husband | May 1, 2022 | Audio, Good Marriage, GRACE, Links to good stuff, XY link, ZIMAGE

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I have been accused at times of trying to turn men into wimps who do too much for their wives and let their wives walk all over them. I can certainly see how individual posts could be construed that way, but I don’t think it’s a fair criticism if you look at all that I write here. And it’s a ridiculous claim if you look at what I say to wives.

My goal in my marriage is to give my wife more than she gives me, do more for her than she does for me, and love her better than she loves me. I fall short of that regularly, but it’s my goal. My motivation for this goal is a little book called The Holy Bible. I think things like “turn the other cheek“, “go the extra mile“, “outdoing one another in showing honour”, and “bearing with and forgiving each other” all apply to marriage.

Putting your spouse first isn’t just a good idea, it’s commanded over and over in the Bible. You will notice I didn’t say “putting your wife first” there. I said spouse because this cuts both ways. You’re expected to do it with your wife and she’s expected to do it with you. And nowhere does God say you can back off if you think your wife isn’t doing her part!

I think God doesn’t give us an out if we’re doing more because He knows we don’t see ourselves clearly. It’s human nature to exaggerate the good we do while downplaying the harm we do. And most of us do the opposite with our spouse, focusing more on the bad than the good. This means if you and your wife are doing the same amount of good for each other, you will both think you’re doing more. If you don’t think you’re doing more, you’re almost certainly doing less!

When your goal is to do as much good as you can for your wife, what she is or is not doing is irrelevant. Yes, it’s easier to bless her when she’s being good to you, but please don’t accept that as an excuse to back off.

For what it’s worth, I preach the same message to the women over on The XY Code. And because of that I’ve had complaints that I expect too much of wives and give husbands a pass!

A post worth reading:

Seth’s Blog | The surprising thing about expectations◄ “The challenge is to be sure we put the correct expectations in the right categories.”

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Friday Flashback: Is Your Shame Hurting Your Marriage?

by The Generous Husband | Feb 25, 2022 | Audio, GRACE, Hope, Links to good stuff, Marriage Killer, Seeing Clearly, ZIMAGE

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I am of the opinion that shame is rarely (never?) from God and in no way helpful to us. I think the Spirit of God brings conviction, while condemnation comes from man or Satan. Shame seems, to me, to be at odds with a biblical understanding of grace. Shame tends to be crippling and causes us to lose all hope of ever being better. It leaves us feeling worthless and powerless, and results in our continuing in the behaviour that brought about the shame. We feel we can’t do well enough, so why bother trying?

If there is shame in your life it’s sucking the life out of you – and out of your marriage. Regardless of why you feel shame, it needs to be treated like the cancer it is. If you can’t deal with it on your own, please get some third-party help. A great book on this topic is Understanding Shame by Jonathan Daugherty. (Also on Lulu )

Part of the power of shame is that we’re sure that others would despise us if they knew the truth. In particular, we fear that our wife would leave us, hate us, or refuse to touch us if she knew what we have done or thought. While this may or may not be a realistic fear, the fear itself is crippling and ultimately far more difficult to live with than anything that could come from sharing the truth. Certainty one needs to use wisdom about how and when to share, but share we must if we want to ever be free of the shame.

BTW, while shame is also associated with sexual sin, there are plenty of other things that cause shame. Shame is harmful regardless of what it’s about.

[This post first appeared Sept 15, 2011.]

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey | Gifts and identity◄ A big part of who we are, but only a part.

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