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Lessons from Coaching: The Importance of Readiness

by The Generous Husband | Feb 6, 2025 | Change, Get Help

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Change is difficult, and it can be costly. It takes a commitment of time and energy.

If you’re not ready to make that commitment, seeking help is a waste of time and money. If you’re too busy to give it the time it will take, that’s also a waste. You also have to be in an emotional space where you can open up and possibly hear difficult things.

Not being ready for help is a real thing, and it’s not always because the person is unwilling to change. Seeking help when you’re not ready is a bad idea. It’s making a promise you can’t keep. It will lead to disappointment and could make things worse.

If your wife is pushing you to go with her for help, and you know you’re not ready, be honest. Tell her you want to do what it will take to have a better marriage, but at the moment you can’t. If you can tell her why you can’t, that will help.

It’s not uncommon for an individual to come for a session or two, and then stop, only to come back months or even years later when they are ready. And that’s just fine.

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Lessons from Coaching: The Power of Good Will in Marriage

by The Generous Husband | Feb 4, 2025 | Get Help, Good Marriage

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As Lori and I have been doing coaching, the importance of being good-willed has been driven home to me. If both spouses are good-willed, the couple will almost certainly move towards a better marriage with just a bit of help. If either one is not good-willed, the chances of success are very low.

Merriam-Webster defines good-willed as a kindly feeling of approval and support. I’d add it means giving the benefit of the doubt. If that’s not the default for both spouses, change will be slow and difficult.

If your marriage has real issues, both of you being good-willed probably won’t solve them. But it’s a necessary condition for real healing and change.

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Your Marriage’s Sexual Issues May Not Be About Sex

by The Generous Husband | Feb 1, 2025 | Get Help, Sexuality

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On Thursday, I talked about taking a holistic approach to marriage. I said we ask coaching couples things well beyond the issue they bring to the table, and that this is especially true when the presented issue is sexual.

It’s rare to get a couple with big sexual issues who don’t have non-sexual issues too. The men often think those non-sexual issues are not effecting the sexual issue. And they are almost always wrong.

Sex is very much a holistic act. How you feel physically and how well you slept last night are a factor. How your day went and how much stress you’re dealing with makes a difference. And your relationship with the person you hope to have sex with matters.

Men, and especially men who are not getting nearly enough sex, are able to function sexually even if all kinds of other things are out of whack. Women are far less able to do that. Not less willing, less able. Because of how God made them.

Stress and tiredness make it difficult for her to get aroused and to reach climax. Problems with you can keep her from wanting sex, even if her body is horny. As I said before, these things affect her because of how God made her mind. She can’t change them by force of will. She can force herself to have sex she doesn’t want and won’t enjoy if she thinks she should. Or if she is tired of you dogging her for sex. But doing that too often will push her away from sex even more.

I’ve dealt with couples whose sex difficulties are all about sex. But for the vast majority of couples with sex problems, the primary causes have nothing to do with sex.

If your sex life is not what you want it to be, I’d love to do a bit of coaching with you. Or Lori with your wife. If you’re both willing to deal with the real issues, things can get better.

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How Marriage Coaching Could Have Improved Our Early Years

by The Generous Husband | Jan 23, 2025 | Get Help

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The other day, I closed my XY Code post by saying I wish on-line Christian marriage coaching had been a thing when Lori and I were newly married.

I thought it might be useful for me to ruminate here how that might have gone for us.

I used to say that when we got married, our only problems were sexual. Of course, this was not true. Yes, sex was the big issue screaming at us every day, but there were other things that needed work. And I know today that working on some of those would have helped us sexually. A good coach could have revealed those other issues, and convinced me to do some work there, even while sex was still a problem.

The other error back then was thinking the sexual issues were all about Lori. She had been both molested and raped, and was struggling because of those things, so her stuff is what we were aware of. But I had sexual stuff too. While I had not looked at porn for years, my sexuality was still poisoned by it. I had issues because of my mother’s attitudes about men and sex, and from the high school girlfriend I messed around with.

A good male coach could have shown me those issues and gotten me to work on them. That would have made sex easier, and would have taken some pressure off Lori, making it easier for her to deal with her stuff.

I said a male coach because if I’m being honest, I wouldn’t have heard that from a woman. I would have assumed she was taking Lori’s side, or didn’t understand how important sex was to a man. This, BTW is why I am real big on marriage coaching being done by a couple. Everyone is represented, it feels safer, and there is someone who can speak each spouse’s language and hold their feet to the fire when needed.

Seeking Help for Your Marriage: Early Intervention Matters

by The Generous Husband | Jan 16, 2025 | Get Help

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I want to encourage you to get help for your marriage if you need it. And sooner is better than later! Most couples who seek help from counsellors, therapists, or coaches wait far too long. When getting help is seen as a last ditch, desperate measure, the problems pile up and dealing with them becomes a huge, long term task and can seem insurmountable.

This is one place where the world beats us. In the church we pretend everything is fine even when it’s far from fine. Seeking help signals weakness or failure, so we just keep making a bigger and bigger mess and trying to hide it from others.

And yes, I am going to plug Aldrich Ministries here. Aldrich Ministries does coaching for both individuals and couples. Most marriage issues can be addressed by coaching. Coaching is less expensive than therapy, and because it can be done across state lines and internationally, you have access to a great team no matter where you live.

Yes, Lori and I are part of Aldrich Ministries. Depending on your needs, you may or may not be paired with us. There are people who do story work, coaching for men or women, and help with porn and other unwanted sexual urges. Also, available are pre-marital and help with sexual difficulties.

If cost is a concern, there’s a sliding scale. And pastors, we are now working with churches who want to help cover part of the cost of getting help for their people. This includes some feedback, approved by the client. Shoot me an email if you want more details.

It’s easier than ever to get help for your marriage!

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Ask An Expert

by The Generous Husband | Aug 15, 2021 | Get Help, Marriage Killer, ZIMAGE

So the last beams are in and I can start putting up walls and roof.

I had some ideas on the beams, but I ran everything by my son, who actually builds homes for a living. I feel a lot better getting his input because it means my roof won’t fall on me.

Most of us will go to an expert for construction advice, or medical advice, or to fix a car. Even if we have some skill, we know our limits and we seek help when we move past our ability.

But most folks will flounder in a bad marriage for a very long time without seeking help. It’s clear they’re well beyond their ability, but pride or fear keep them from seeking the help that would make life better for them and their wife. All too often marriage help is only sought when it’s too late.

Marriage is a skill. If your parents had an exceptional marriage or you have studied marriage, you should be able to deal with most things on your own. But even if you have some skill, it is wise to know your limits and seek help when you move past your ability.

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Your Insecurities Cost Your Wife

by The Generous Husband | Sep 26, 2019 | BE THE CHANGE, Get Help, ZIMAGE

My wonderful wife recently reran a post about how we misunderstood Ephesians 4:26 (do not let the sun go down on your anger) when we were newly married. This resulted in some staying up for many hours past our usual bedtime to deal with disagreements.

What my wife is too kind to say is that was only part of the problem. The other issue was that my insecurity didn’t allow me to go to sleep if we were at odds over something. I wouldn’t have admitted that to myself back then, but I can see it clearly now.

Aside from causing my wife sleepless nights, my insecurity tempted her to let things go not because they were resolved but because she just wanted to go to sleep! IOW, my insecurity cost her and hurt our marriage.

Insecurity is never helpful. It limits us in many ways and it limits or hurts those around us. Insecurity is not a private issue, it’s a marriage issue. If it’s an issue for you, please get some help.

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Guilt vs. Shame

by The Generous Husband | Sep 25, 2019 | BecomingYourself, Beyond the Marriage, Big Deal Post, Get Help, ZIMAGE

I’ve talked about guilt and shame here, but it’s been a while. And then I rewatched Brené Brown’s Listening to Shame TED Talk. Brown has spent years researching shame and she understands it like few others.

Brown says ‘Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is, “I am bad.” Guilt is, “I did something bad.“‘ That’s a great insight. And it affects how we deal with shame and guilt. Guilt isn’t a big deal because it’s about our actions. We can change our actions. But shame is about me, it’s “I’m bad, I’m broken” and we don’t feel we can fix that.

Brown goes on to talk about owning what we did wrong. Guilt leads to “I’m sorry, I made a mistake, can you forgive me?” But shame says I’m the mistake! Most of us don’t want to admit that, even if we’re convinced it’s the truth. So that leads to lying, covering up, blaming others, or just getting angry to make people go away.

Brown says research has shown that shame is correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide, and eating disorders. Guilt, on the other hand, is inversely correlated with these things. Guilt tends to lead to good changes. Guilt makes us better. Shame leads to bad behaviour and makes us worse.

If you feel guilt, that’s good. Use it for change. If you feel shame, that’s bad. Figure out why you feel shame and deal with it. Do it for yourself, for your wife, for your marriage, for your kids, and for everyone else who has to deal with you.

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