Friday Flashback - The Generous Husband

FF: 4 Words You Should Never Use With your Wife

by The Generous Husband | Dec 6, 2024 | Communication, Friday Flashback, Good Marriage, Understanding Her

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First, a confession, I have no idea what four words you should never say to or in front of your wife. What’s more, the list is probably larger than four. However, I can help you narrow down the list by giving you four common problems areas.

Painful family words: Never use words her family used to shame, tease, or control her. This could be something like “stupid” or a nickname she hated. I don’t mean a loving name she was okay with; I’m talking about mean ones, or ones that felt mean to her. These words have deep, painful roots, and nothing good comes from you tugging at those.
Painful childhood words: Much like the above, but from school and other places she interacted with other kids when she was growing up. Kids can be exceptionally cruel, and even friends can be hurtful by teasing past what is fun.
Painful sex words: Some women don’t care what words you use for sex, while others are very sensitive to anything she wouldn’t hear in a doctor’s office. A great many women have a rather violent internal reaction to a certain word starting with “c”. And many are not a fan of the words “moist” and “panties”. Whatever her no go sex words, using them is making things worse for you, both in and out of bed.
Sarcasm and insults: Unless she grew up the only girl with several bothers, odds are she doesn’t enjoy sarcasm and teasing insults the way your buddies do. Save it for the guys, and treat her differently.

All of these are personal and vary from woman to woman. A word that offends one woman is a loving nickname to another; a word that means “I like you” to one woman is a deep insult to another. If you’ve been paying attention, you should have some idea what words bother her. Of course, you could also just ask her. Give her the categories above as a guide, or ask her for a list of a few words she would like to never hear from your mouth.

[This post first appeared Oct , 2012.]

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FF: 3 Gifts a Month

by The Generous Husband | Nov 29, 2024 | Acts of Service, Encouragement, Friday Flashback, Gifts, Understanding Her

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Gifts: It’s supposed to be the thought that count. But is it?

For most of us, it is. A gift says, “I was thinking of you” and a gift that has special meaning or relevance says, “I know you well”. These are things you want to communicate to your wife, and regular small gifts do that well. I say small as in “it’s not the cost, it’s the thought”. Aim for three gifts a month, which might mean four one month and two the next. If the gifts are small and inexpensive, most months will cost you little more than a trip to St. Arbucks.

Some ideas to get you started

Flowers: Yes, the classic. And for good reason. Do a flower or flowers once a month.
A card: A real paper-in-an-envelope card. Write something nice, and it is very much a gift.
Coupons: This is the perfect gift for an acts of service gal, or to gift your time. The Marriage Bed has some nice print your own coupons.
Collectables: Preferably something she has already collects. This could be a specific item, such as a brand of figurine, or anything with a certain symbol or animal on it.
Candy nuts, or whatever: If she is not on a diet!
Anything given to disappearing at your house: Pens, scissors, AA batteries…
Bookmarks: If she’s a reader.
Pampering items: Such as bubble bath, hand lotion, scented soaps…

Wrap your gifts, or not. Leave them out, or hide them where she will come across them.

Is three gifts a month a lot? Maybe, but the process of thinking about it, and trying to come up with better and better ideas, will help you know her better, and tell her you are getting to know her better. It is a win/win!

[This post first appeared Oct 3, 2012.]

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FF: Two Dates a Month

by The Generous Husband | Nov 22, 2024 | Friday Flashback, Quality Time

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How long has it been since you had a date with your bride?

A lot of marriage experts advocate a weekly date night. If you can do that, great, but for many cost (including babysitting) and time make weekly difficult. So, while more is better, twice a month is enough to get the necessary effect.

Lori and I go into town for “provisions” every-other week. We tack our date onto shopping day, saving us money on gas and saving drive time. Some can’t mix a date with shopping (and some couples shouldn’t shop together period!), so do what works for you.

There are a number of ways of making dates less expensive:

Swap babysitting with another couple; they get your kids every other week, you get theirs the other half the time. Once in a while, do it on a Friday and keep the kids overnight.
Use loyalty cards. Lori and I eat primarily at two places, each of which allows us to earn free meals. Likewise for movies, get a loyalty card and use it.
Use coupons whenever possible. Many of the big chains do coupons by email.
If you can swing half a weekday off, you can save by eating lunch instead of dinner, and getting lower prices for movies and other things with an admission cost.
Do your dates at home, and save for a nice evening out when you have enough.

[This post first appeared Oct 2, 2012.]

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An Annual Couple’s Vacation is Crucial for a Healthy Marriage

by The Generous Husband | Nov 15, 2024 | Friday Flashback, Good Marriage, Quality Time

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I’ve mentioned the importance of a couple’s vacation before. And I will do so again.

I know you’ve a long list of reasons you can’t possibly do it. I can only counter with this: doing it is very good for your marriage. You need a chance to get away together and be a couple. You need to do this away from friends, and you especially need to do it away from family, including children. Getting away together lets you remember how things used to be. That can help you put some of what you’ve lost back into your marriage when you return from vacation. A low stress, non-busy vacation will greatly reduce your stress level, which is good for your marriage. A vacation gives you a chance to clear the air, and to dream about the future. A vacation also allows you to do things together and build shared experiences.

Find a way to get a couple vacation each year. Talk friends and family into taking the kids. Go somewhere you can drive. Get a low-cost motel. Pack your meals. Give something up so you can save the necessary money. Do.Whatever.It.Takes.

[This post first appeared Oct 1, 2012.]

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FF: Servant Leadership in Marriage: Debunking the Control Myth

by The Generous Husband | Sep 27, 2024 | Friday Flashback, Headship/Submission, Series

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I know, I know, you’re the husband, which makes you the boss. The boss is clearly in control, so that means you’re in control. The only control problem in marriage is women who won’t accept that their husband is in control!

A lot of us were taught something along these lines, but the Bible doesn’t actually say that. The Bible says husbands are to be servant leaders, just as Christ was a servant leader.

Some will argue Jesus is in control. Jesus Himself would disagree; He was very clear God was in control, while He, Jesus, only did what He saw God doing. Please don’t think this is just a technicality, it’s a critical fact we MUST understand if we have any hope of being the kind of husband and servant leader God calls us to be. Being the leader of your home is not about being in control, and it certainly is not about doing things the way you want them to be done. Jesus didn’t want to go to the cross, but He did. “Not my will, but your will be done” is what each of us needs to say to God about how we lead our family. Jesus was willing to go as far as dying; how far are we willing to go for our wife and children?

The other thing about being a servant leader is following such a leader is optional. It’s not optional if a wife wants to be obedient to God, but there is no provision for the servant leader to enforce following. Just as Jesus will let us go our own way, we have to be willing to let our wife ignore our attempts to lead. If you’re a true servant leader, and your wife chooses not to follow you, please pray for her, because it’s not going to go well for her. If you’re behaving rightly, and she’s not following you, it’s God’s problem to deal with. On the other hand, if you’re not leading properly, or are not leading at all, those are also God’s problems to deal with.

Enough on control; on to something new!

[This post first appeared Sept 11, 2012.]

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FF: Scorched Earth: When Control Becomes Destructive

by The Generous Husband | Sep 20, 2024 | Be a grownup, Friday Flashback, Seeing Clearly, Series

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The “scorched earth” or “nuclear option” approach to control is the ugly result of deciding if you can’t be in control, then the next best thing is to make sure your wife is not in control either. It becomes okay, more or less, not being in control because you have ensured she doesn’t have any control. Any hint of control is attacked, and fairly stupid things are done in the name of making sure your spouse has as little control as you have. The methods for doing this are most of the ones I listed in 10 Sneaky Ways Men Try to Control Their Wives and Control Dynamics in Marriage: Common Pitfalls and Better Solutions.

The less extreme and far more common form of this is done selectively; either in a few areas, or only when you’re feeling especially out of control. This form is less obvious, both to the one doing it, and the victim. Think about it a bit, does this explain something your wife does from time to time? Does it explain something you do from time to time? Does it explain some problem area of your marriage?

If you’re on the receiving end of this, study your lady and try to learn to anticipate when it is going to happen. Once it happens, you’re not dealing with her at her most rational, and your best options are to try to de-escalate the situation or just walking away as best as you can. If you realise you’ve done this to your wife, try to figure out what triggers it so you have a chance of preventing it before you get too far in to see or care.

[This post first appeared Sept 10, 2012.]

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Fall into a Better Marriage: Tips For Autumn Loving

by The Generous Husband | Sep 6, 2024 | Friday Flashback, Quality Time, Sharing Life

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The kids are back in school, Labor Day has passed in the USofA, garden produce is ready to harvest, hunting season is approaching, and the NFL regular season starts this week. So, while fall officially starts on September 22nd, most of us are already moving into our fall routines.

Have you made a place for your marriage this fall? Have you made time to keep it healthy, and time to grow it?

Make time for dates.
Commit to talking – just talking – several times a week.
Look for a marriage class to attend together.
Look for a marriage retreat (and help work out the details to make it happen).
Read a marriage book together (see resources at the top of the page for some great books).
Make time for regular sex.
Find a couple with a strong marriage and spend time with them regularly.

As with everything in life, you must intentionally work on your marriage to keep it healthy, and work even more to make it better. You are both worth it – make your marriage stronger!

Note: I know I have a number of readers in South Africa, Australia, and other places where spring is just around the corner – same advice, just a different season.

[This post first appeared Sept 04, 2012.]

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FF: The Dangers of Sexual Control in Marriage

by The Generous Husband | Aug 30, 2024 | Friday Flashback, Marriage Killer, Seeing Clearly, Series, Sexuality

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Sex is a huge control issue in many marriages; be it controlling when sex happens or using sex to gain control of other areas (aka manipulating).

First to the wives reading along: using sex to get control of other things, or exerting control to limit sex, are both exceptionally bad ideas. Neither is loving nor godly, and both will hurt your marriage relationship. If you want your husband to stop caring, if you want him to just go through the motions of marriage while slowly slipping away, doing these things is one of your best bets. However, if you want a healthy marriage, if you want your relationship to grow, then you need to avoid these things.

Now that I have told the ladies what most husbands want them to hear, it’s time to deal with the guys.

First, what I said above to the women is true for men as well. The best estimates say 30% of wives are frustrated by a lack of sex, and I would bet most of those women have been on the receiving end of sexual control games. If you want her to leave, or just to leave you alone, carry on; if you want your marriage to continue, or get better, then knock it off.

The big sexual control issue for men is trying to get sex with various forms of manipulation. Once you start getting sex by using shame, guilt, or threats (such as “I might lose control and doing something stupid”), you’ll find it increasingly difficult to get sex without these things. Likewise, if you start getting her to say yes to sex by offering her something special, some favour, some treat. This is essentially prostitution, and once it becomes a business transaction, why would she want to give it away? Getting sex by any form of control means sex is no longer an act of love, which is a bad thing for your wife, for you, and for your marriage.

Frankly, it’s better not to have sex than to have sex through manipulation or other forms of control. I know, you think, “easy for you to say”. Actually, it is not. I’ve been there, and I remember how much it hurts, how much it drives you crazy, how you want it to just stop. I fully understand reaching a point of frustration and desperation where it seems like a good idea to do whatever it takes to get sex; I gave in more times than I want to admit. Because I gave in, because I have obtained sex by manipulation, I know how it turns out. I know the sex is fine physically, but empty in every other way. I know it solves the immediate physical problem, but erodes the relationship. And I know it hurts your sex life as a whole, making future sex less frequent, and less enjoyable for both of you. This road leads to a wife who hates sex, and a man who eventually feels like a jerk. Try to understand what I am saying here is true, and remember it the next time you start to do something you know is neither kind nor loving to get sex. Aside from being the right thing to do, if you look at the long-term, it is the only wise choice.

[This post first appeared Sept 06, 2012.]

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