Change - The Generous Husband

FF: Learn To Say No To Time Thieves

by The Generous Husband | Feb 23, 2024 | Audio, Change, DoLessin2024, Friday Flashback, Good Marriage, Margin, Money, ZIMAGE

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Did you read my post, about budgeting your time, and think “might work for you, but you don’t understand my life!”?

I get it, really, I do. I know when you have kids, things come up. I know friends, in-laws, your boss, and so many others drop things on you and expect you to spend some of your limited time doing something for or with them.

Maybe you need to learn to say no more often.

If you’re asked to spend time on something you don’t think is important, and it robs you of time you would devote to what you think is important, then no is the right answer. And it’s the right answer, even if it offends someone. Whom you offend and how much you offend them is a consideration, but letting others decide how you spend your time is like letting others decide how you spend your money!

If a certain friend or group of friends demands more time than you think you should give, perhaps they’re not such great friends. Are they worth the cost? Is what you get from them worth as much as what you would get from spending the time in another way? The same applies to extended family; being related to you doesn’t grant people permission to tell you how to spend your money or your time.

You can’t usually say no to your boss, but you can look for another job. If your job is keeping you from having a life, or keeping your wife and/or kids from having you with them, maybe you need to rethink the job. Possibly, you also need to rethink how much you have so you can work less and have more time for life.

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[This post first appeared Aug 01, 2012.]

FF: Budgeting Your Most Valuable Asset: Time

by The Generous Husband | Feb 16, 2024 | Audio, Change, DoLessin2024, Her Needs, Margin, Seeing Clearly, Your Needs

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You can’t “spend” the same time twice; when you use it for something, you can’t do anything else with it. This is obvious, but we live in a culture that seems to be in denial about this simple fact. If we listed all the things we want to get done in a week, and how long it would take to do all those things, many would find the total greatly exceeds the number of waking hours in a week. Some try to fix this by sleeping less, which is harmful in a great many ways.

I used to run too busy most of the time. I had good reasons for this: ran my own business, raising a family, things to do at church, ministry on the side, and on and on. Gradually, I realised what I was doing wasn’t sane, and certainly wasn’t the best thing for the people I love most. I began to budget my time, much as one budgets money. Amounts of time are locked in for one thing. My sleep time is one of these; I get enough sleep to be healthy and functional, and exceptions to this are rare and for very good reasons. My time with my wife is another block I guard closely and only rarely violate. Certain meetings and activities are also protected; some of these are work or ministry related, but some are recreational.

I’m still busy, but my busyness is during parts of the day devoted to that. I sometimes work like crazy till the end of my “work day”, then I stop and kick back. Initially it was difficult to do this; I wanted to keep going, to finish something, to reach a certain point. And this is especially tempting since I work from home! However, doing that meant not doing other things, things I believe are important. This has become easier with time, and I see the benefits of living this way. I’m more relaxed, I feel better, and when I am working hard, I’m more productive.

There are times when I break my rules, but only with thought and discussion with my wife. I just finished a major project for the day job. There were deadlines, and then I had unforeseen problems. I was forced to take time from a couple of places, including part of what I normally give Lori. However, I was very aware I was doing this, and I was motivated to get past the need to do it. If I found I had to do this kind of thing regularly, I would know something was wrong, and it would be time to re-examine my time budget.

Try a time budget. Make blocks of time, and do only what you have scheduled for each block. No matter what is left to be done, when time it up, move on. Be sure to include time for sleep, for relaxation, and time with your wife.

[This post first appeared July 31, 2012.]

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Make Asking for Sex Less Painful

by The Generous Husband | Jan 13, 2024 | Audio, Change, Communication, Rethinking Sex, XY link, ZIMAGE

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Yesterday I talked to the woman on The XY Code about asking for sex. If you’re the lower drive spouse in your marriage, I strongly suggest you go read and apply that post in your marriage. Otherwise, keep going here.

One thing that can make this easier for you is to stop asking. I don’t mean just wait for her, I mean propose sex without asking permission. Saying “I’d like to make love” or “Your sexy butt is making me horny” tells her what you want. Or say something like, “When can we have sex?”, which avoids the yes/no dichotomy. If you think doing those things will reduce the amount of sex you have, then you think coercion or guilt play a part in getting sex. If that’s the case, it’s a problem, and it’s hurting your marriage and degrading your sex life.

I’d also suggest trying to communicate what you want and how much you need it. Most women don’t want to hear “I need to come” but letting her know if you need the intimacy of full sex versus something simpler that results in climax is helpful. Likewise, there’s a difference between “It would be nice” and “I’m not going to sleep well if we don’t”, and it’s fair to tell her that.

Some of this will be new to many wives, and they may not react to it well at first. But she should appreciate it with time, especially if you give different information on different occasions.

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FF: If I Could Upload Being In A Great Marriage

by The Generous Husband | Jan 5, 2024 | Audio, Change, Friday Flashback, Good Marriage, ZIMAGE

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I saw a movie promo the other day for a remake of “Total Recall”. The premise is that it’s possible to record a person’s memories and inject them into others, resulting in the person thinking they have actually lived those things.

I wish I could do this with marriage; inject into every husband and wife what it is like to be in a truly great marriage. Imagine feeling and knowing what it’s like to trust and be trusted, to be best friends, to have an awesome sex life, to want and need to be together. If I could give that to people, I think the vast majority of them would do everything in their power to change their marriage. I think most would find they could do things they now feel are beyond their ability. If they understood what they could have, I know most people would be willing to do a lot and sacrifice a great deal.

Of course, I can’t do this. However, I can tell you how powerful it would be. I had the marriage full of pain and suffering, and now I have a marriage full of love, and joy, and plenty of mutually enjoyed sex. I’ve known both sides, and I would half kill myself to have what I have now if I lost it.

Please don’t take the sour grapes approach and tell yourself a good marriage really is not so great. Please don’t think there is anything else that will make up for not having a great marriage, because there isn’t. My suggestion is to go all out, don’t hold back. A great marriage is a prize worth any cost, fight for it with all you have.

And, yes, I know you think she won’t change, and most of it is her fault anyway. I’m sure there is some truth in that, but not as much as you tell yourself. Even if you’re right, you can fight for a better marriage. I’m sure there are women who are so far gone nothing will make a difference, but I am convinced those women are very few.

[This post first appeared July 20, 2012.]

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FF: Breaking Free From Your Past: Gaining Control When Stress Hits

by The Generous Husband | Dec 1, 2023 | Audio, Be a grownup, Change, Do It For Her, Friday Flashback, ThePast, ZIMAGE

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Do you have a handle on your past, and what it can cause you to do or not do? When you feel the urge to react out of your past, are able to choose not to follow those urges. And if you can usually do that, do you maintain control under stress?

What we learn early in life becomes deeply rooted in our minds. These “early lessons” tend to surface when we’re stressed, or tired, or we feel out of control or threatened. When circumstances push us to our limit, self-control weakens, and we may react out of our oldest fears. This can cause us to feel threatened when there’s no real threat, or see disrespect when there’s no disrespect. We may not feel the love and concern of others, even though they are trying to express those things.

Over the next weeks, I’ll talk more about this, and what we can do about it. The first step is to own it when we slip into the past and say or do something unwarranted. Don’t excuse or blame, just admit you let the stress get to you and you did something you wish you hadn’t done. Honestly, owning it when you blow it can make your wife feel better. It’s not a solution, and you need to deal with any fallout from what you said or did, but owning your stuff shows you’re a grown up whose trying to improve.

[This post first appeared July 13, 2012.]

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Friday Flashback: When Friends Hold You Back From a Better Marriage

by The Generous Husband | Nov 3, 2023 | Audio, Be a grownup, Beyond the Marriage, Change, Friday Flashback, ZIMAGE

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I came across The ‘Busy’ Trap on the opinion pages of the on-line NY times. Since I just wrote on this, I took the time to see what the fellow had to say. The whole thing is good, but one pull quote really jumped out at me:

It’s not as if any of us wants to live like this; it’s something we collectively force one another to do.

That’s the real issue: busyness is a disease, a social disease spread by repeated contact with carriers. This means getting free of busyness may be difficult or impossible if you stay immersed in a busy culture. And even if you do get free, you could be reinfected. This is part of a bigger issue I’ve mentioned more than once – we tend to mirror the folks we hang with. You shape your friends, and they shape you. Individuality within groups is not nearly as great as we like to think. This is true of busyness, how we spend our money, how much we exercise, the kind of sex we have, and how we treat our spouse.

The hard fact is, our friends can anchor us to things we don’t like, things we would like to remove from our lives. What’s more, if you’re strong enough to change despite your friends, they may drop you because of the changes. Most groups expect certain behaviours and beliefs, and those who stray too far are marginalised or outright excommunicated.

Does all of this mean you have to choose between your friends and making changes in your life? Sometimes it really does come down to that, or at least to being willing to lose friends if that’s what it takes. The question then is what’s more important to you, your friends or being healthy; your friends or doing what’s right; your friends or your marriage? Are you ready to declare independence from the crowd and do what is right?

[This post first appeared July 4, 2012.]

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When Sexual Habits Help – and Hurt – Your Marriage

by The Generous Husband | Oct 14, 2023 | Audio, Change, Rethinking Sex, Sex Positive, ZIMAGE

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On Tuesday, I told you to Be Sensitive to the Power of Your Wife’s Habits. Habits can have a huge impact on sex, and it’s a mixed bag.

You and your wife have sexual habits. When you have sex, what you do for foreplay, how you have intercourse, how she gets to climax, and so on. If those habits make sex easier or better, they are good. If they limit sex, they’re a problem.

One common habit is when you have sex. Maybe it’s officially scheduled, maybe it’s not, but you know there are only a couple of days a week when it’s going to happen. Some women find scheduled sex is good for them because they are intentional about saving time and energy. Others look forward to it all day, meaning they get into bed ready and possibly aroused. But scheduling can be a problem if good opportunities to have sex are ignored because it was not scheduled. It can also be an issue if she is unwilling to reschedule when something prevents sex.

How you do foreplay is another common habit area. Some women find it difficult to get aroused unless certain things happen. Similarly, a woman may only be able to orgasm from something specific. If you are fine with these acts, and they work reliably, it’s not a big concern. But if you do just those things for years and then some change makes them difficult or ineffective, finding something new that works will be a major challenge.

A bit of flexibility is a good thing, but it’s also tricky. Asking her to skip what she knows works means she might struggle. Even worse, she might not come despite wanting and needing to do so. Please be understanding of this reality, and tell her you really want to accommodate it. Let her know you will change what you are doing if she asks. Tell her that her pleasure it more important than variety, and you are all about doing what works for her. And never make changes when she is tired, stressed, or struggling with sex.

As I said on Tuesday, don’t ask her to go against her habit without a good reason.

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Friday Flashback: Doing Nothing Can Be the Wisest Choice

by The Generous Husband | Sep 22, 2023 | Audio, Change, Friday Flashback, Seeing Clearly, Series, ZIMAGE

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Have you ever felt you had to “do something” but you had no idea what to do? Maybe you thought doing nothing would make you look stupid or indecisive. Truth is, doing nothing is a choice, and sometimes it’s a very wise choice.

Good reasons for doing nothing include:

Waiting for more information
Taking time to calm down so you can think clearly
Giving your wife time to calm down
Taking time to think through the issue carefully, praying about it, and maybe sleeping on it
Giving your wife time to think through things, pray, and sleep on it
Getting advice from others
Waiting for God to move on your heart
Waiting for God to move on your wife’s heart

Waiting is often a valid choice, and if it isn’t included in your options, you’re dealing with a false choice. Happy is he who does not rush to make a choice before the proper time.

[This post first appeared June 21, 2012.]

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