A Gift She Really Wants

by | Dec 20, 2024 | BE THE CHANGE, Do It For Her, Gifts, YOU4HER

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Would you like to give your wife a gift she really wants? A gift she will cherish for years to come? How about making a permanent change you know she wants? It might be no longer doing or saying something she dislikes. Or it could be starting to do something she has indicated she’d like you to do.

A gift tag that reads "How would you like me to change?"

I know changes like this aren’t easy. The question you have to ask yourself is if you think she’s worth it. If she is, do whatever it takes to make the change, and to stick to it.

If you have a good idea what change she would like, I think the best option is to do it without saying anything. Let her figure it out; let her ask you about it when she sees the results.

If you have no idea what she would like you to change, you could ask her. If you think that would end badly, the list below is from answers 174 women gave when asked what one change they would like their husband to give them as a Christmas gift.

  • Help out: Preferably without being asked. If you’re not sure, ask what you can do. Oh, and please pick up after yourself!
  • Communication: She would like your attention when she is talking with you. Better communication skills and less harshness were also requested by a number of women.
  • Anger and lack of patience were mentioned by a number of respondents. 
  • Plenty of wives want more time with hubby, and the majority of them complained about the amount of time he spent on video games, television, and the Internet. Don’t get so into your technology you ignore your wife!
  • Some were concerned about hubby and the kids. A few wanted more help, but most were more concerned about him spending time with the children. Several mentioned wanting him to be a better example and spiritual leader.
  • Integrity was mentioned by a number of women. A couple specifically mentioned lying, but most said they want him to “do what he says he will” and “finish what he starts”.
  • Health issues: Weight, smoking, exercise, drinking, and drugs were all concerns.
  • Sex. Yes, some want better sex. A couple want more, but the bigger issue is showing desire for HER rather than for sex.
  • Also, when you do have sex, be sure to give her pleasure.
  • Personal hygiene: Brush, floss, and showering regularly would be appreciated by a number of the ladies.
  • Stop lusting after other women. Yup, they see you doing it.

[This post first appeared Dec 11, 2012.]

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Your 2nd Marriage: A Fresh Start Without A Divorce

by | Nov 19, 2024 | BE THE CHANGE, Good Marriage

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Lori and I keep seeing ads for Georgie & Mandy’s First Marriage. Yes, I know why it’s called that. I still hate the title and what it suggests.

That said, I’d like to talk to you about your second marriage. To the woman you currently call your wife.

A wedding cake with the words "Marriage 2.0"

Lori and I have dealt with couples who could have had a great marriage if they had just got married, as they had become. They had both grown and become much better people who could have a good marriage. But one or both of them were unwilling to let go of the past. They were angry, hurt, or bitter about things that no longer happened. And all too often, such couples end up with a divorce that’s not necessary.

If this sounds like your marriage, please consider agreeing to start over. You could have a vow renewal ceremony, or just make a commitment in front of a few fiends. Decide that everything that happened during your “first marriage” will not be part of your second marriage. If any of those things happen again, then it’s a second marriage issue. Otherwise, you won’t discuss them, fight about them, or let them affect how you act.

Give it a try, because a second marriage without a divorce is way better for everyone!

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FF: Anger Management for Better Marriages

by | Jan 12, 2024 | Audio, BE THE CHANGE, Friday Flashback, Marriage Killer, YOU4HER, ZIMAGE

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Have you ever felt good when you were angry? Anger is the primary “negative” emotion for many men – and the primary emotion of any kind for some of us! Many of us were taught emotions are weak, and we learned from experience emotions could hurt us or make us vulnerable. These lessons can lead to trying to control emotions and limit the emotions we show and feel. Anger is a popular negative emotion because it seems powerful. Anger gets things done, and we don’t see angry people as weak. 

Screaming frustrated man disintegrating into particles, agonizing and torturing expression.

This might be valid when anger is rare, but when anger becomes common, something is wrong. Frequent anger is bad for our bodies, and our minds, and very bad for our marriages. It may feel safe to be angry, but that is a lie. Ongoing anger limits, distances, and destroys. If anger is your “go to” emotion, it’s time to rethink things. You can choose to change how you react, but it will take work. Most of us will never be free of anger, but we can learn to react in anger less often, and we can learn to make our anger short-lived when it does happen. Your wife will be blessed by any effort you make.

A great article on anger is Stop Anger Before It Starts from Chronic.Marriage.com

[This post first appeared July 24, 2012.]

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Friday Flashback: The Sin Of Busyness

by | Oct 13, 2023 | Audio, BE THE CHANGE, Big Deal Post, Friday Flashback, Marriage Killer, Series, ZIMAGE

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One huge thing in the Why I say no to sex survey was a lack of time. Both men and women say no to sex because they’re too tired. Unless you have a new baby, being tired most of the time probably means you’re too busy. “Too busy” is an enemy of marriages, killing some outright and leaving others crippled, maimed, or dying a slow death.

Calendar crammed full of things to do

I’m sure most of you are thinking, “I wish someone would say this to my wife”. Good news: my wife does that often. Now, the bad news: too busy isn’t just a female problem! Too busy is a way of life for Western culture, and it’s especially bad in the States. Even as we do too much, most of us feel guilty for not doing enough! This madness is doing horrible things to marriages, health, sanity, and our society as a whole. The question I have for you is this: Are you going to stand up and say “NO MORE!”? No matter what your wife does, are you ready to do what is right even though it is not what your culture expects of you?

I can’t point to a scripture saying busyness is sin, but the inevitable results of busyness are clearly contrary to the life God had called us to live. Being too busy, and especially being too busy all the time, is wrong. It’s also destructive. 

Agree? Disagree? Feel trapped? Sound off in the comments! I’ll be following up with more on this marriage make-or-break issue. 

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Give Changes in Your Marriage Time to Flourish

by | Jun 20, 2023 | Audio, BE THE CHANGE, Change, ZIMAGE

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Have you ever made a change in your marriage, seen no results, and given up on it or tried something else? When you make a change, you need to give it time before you decide it had no effect.

Sandglass on a bed.

There are several reasons for this.

  1. It may take her time to realise you’ve changed.
  2. It may take time for her to believe you’ve really changed. This is especially true if you’ve made temporary changes in the past.
  3. It will take time for the effect of your change to move her to change. 

I’d say a month is the least time you should wait. In many situations, you need to give it three months.

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Generosity Beyond Our Marriages

by | Jan 16, 2023 | Audio, BE THE CHANGE, Big Deal Post, Change, ZIMAGE

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I mentioned last month that a lot of ministries were having a hard time making their year-end giving goals. We were blessed to make our goal, but others did not and now are trying to figure out how to get by with less income. That means doing less ministry, and possibly letting some folks go.

As I look at our world, I realise this is just a symptom of a bigger issue. I see less generosity than was once the norm, and it’s not getting better.

Coffee cups with place cards reading generous and stingy.

It’s easy to explain this change. We had a little pandemic. We’ve had a number of financial woes. And the rise of angry, hate filled politics isn’t making anyone feel generous. But these things are exactly why we need more generosity. 

Of course, I want you to start with your wife and kids, but don’t stop there. Go beyond your family and friends. Look for ways to be generous to your waitress or checker. Be generous to strangers. Extend grace for no reason. Be quick with a kind word. Open doors for people just because. Look for ways to offer little bits of help.

When I look at the Bible, I see this as how we are supposed to treat others. So that’s a good reason to do it. Beyond that, when we work at being generous to others, it changes us in positive ways. It makes us happier, and it can only benefit our marriages.

A related post:

Lilly Family School of Philanthropy | Latest Data Shows New Low in Share of Americans Who Donated to Charity ◄ A picture of the problem charities are facing.

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Make The Change Already

by | Jan 10, 2023 | Audio, BE THE CHANGE, Links to good stuff, ZIMAGE

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Have you ever put up with something that’s not really working any more because you don’t want to go to the trouble of finding a better way of doing it?

Close up of old English dictionary page with word comma

I’ve run the Grammarly plugin in my browser for years. My speeling is horrible, and I need the help. However, for about the last six months it’s become more and more annoying. It suggests corrections that change the meaning of what I wrote, or makes the sentence unintelligible. It also wants to rip out most of my commas. 

I finally got frustrated enough I looked for another plugin. Along the way, I saw a language teacher who said Grammarly was wrong about commas nine out of ten times. He suggested the LanguageTool plugin. I’ve been running it a few days now, and it’s great. The majority of its suggestions are sane, and it doesn’t have a pathological hatred of commas. It also has a check for reuse of words, and a synonym generator.

I could have saved myself some frustration by looking for a different system sooner. But I have to get frustrated enough to spend a few minutes searching and reading.

I’d like to tell you I’ve never done this in my marriage, but that would be a lie. What about you, is there something in your marriage that frustrates you and/or our wife? Are you going to wait for it to get worse before you deal with it?

A post worth reading:

The Hero Husband Project | Is Your Marriage About to Crash and Burn? ◄ Do the maintenance work!

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Of Resolutions and Goals

by | Jan 2, 2023 | Audio, BE THE CHANGE, Links to good stuff, ZIMAGE

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I’ve never been a fan of New Year’s resolutions. They feel forced and artificial, and they have never done much for me. Goals on the other hand can be powerful, especially if you do them well.

I bring this up because the other day I overheard Lori listening to Jon Acuff doing a review on his 2022 goals. Along the way he talked about how to make good goals. You should probably just go listen to him and skip the rest of this post.

Motivational quote The year is yours. What will you do with it? appearing behind torn blue paper.

If you’re still here, I’ll share a few thoughts about making good goals.

  • Good goals are flexible. You don’t know what the future holds and if you set your goals in stone you’ll find many become difficult or impossible. Modifying a goal is not giving up, it’s a reflection of reality.
  • Good goals are measurable. You can’t tell how you are doing if there is no way to measure. Saying you will do something “more often” is nice, but if you did it thirty-eight times last year will you be satisfied if you do it thirty-nine next year? What does more really mean? Likewise with things like “less” and “better”.
  • Good goals are in your power to achieve. If your goal is dependent on your boss or your wife doing certain things, it’s not really your goal. If you get the other person involved, making it a joint goal, that’s a good thing. But you’re still dependent on another person.
  • Good goals are mostly realistic. I say mostly because tossing in a couple that are unlikely is great if you’re honest about that with yourself.
  • Good goals are short-term. Having short-term goals helps you feel like you’re making progress. It also keeps you from putting it off because the goal is so far in the future.
  • Good goals are long-term. If you want to do something specific when you retire and you’re thirty right now, that’s a long-term goal. If you keep it as a goal and modify it as the years go by, you’re much more likely to do it. Some long-term goals are best seen as a series of short-term goals chained together.
  • Good goals are not “set it and forget it”! Reviewing your goals regularly is critical. This keeps them in your mind. The review process is also used to make modifications or even ditch a goal.
  • Good goals change lives. They can also change marriages. Set some marriage goals for 2023!

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