Navigating Sexual Boundaries with Love and Patience

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At the start of this year, I suggested that you Honour Your Wife by Letting Go of Sexual Preferences. I said if there were a couple of things you wanted that she keeps rejecting, you should stop asking for those. I proposed your wife is more important than those sex acts.

Then someone asked, “What if she has a lot of things she doesn’t like?”

I’m assuming this is about a wife who’s willing to have sex, but only does a very few things. So the issue is boredom, not refusal.

It’s tempting to say there are men who would give anything to have regular boring sex, but I realise that doesn’t make anyone feel better.

The problem is pushing such a woman for more will turn her off. She’s doing what works for her. Other things are a problem either because they don’t arouse her, turn her off, or in her mind they’re unacceptable.

My suggestion is to become very skilled at what she’s okay with. And thank her regularly for being there for you sexually. Give her time to feel secure in what you now do. Then suggest something just across the current line. Don’t ask, just say it might be interesting to _____ sometime.

This is the best path to doing more. There’s no guarantee, but if you can be loving and patient, odds are it will eventually move the needle.

NEW FEED: As I gear up to move to Doing Marriage Well, I’ve set up a Bluesky account that will run the blog posts and a few marriage positive “tweets” a day. @doingmarriagewell.bsky.social

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Roy Zesch says:

February 23, 2025 at 5:32 AM

The only real solution is to understand what happens with her to make her say no to those things. That will take honest vulnerable conversations which is very hard for most couples. The action probably isn’t the real problem, the real problem is the trauma, shame, fear, or lonely that is happening in her. For us connection codes has given the understanding, tools, and language to begin the process of having those honest vulnerable conversations and build a healthy emotional connection, which is the foundation of a healthy sexual connection.