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On Thursday, I talked about taking a holistic approach to marriage. I said we ask coaching couples things well beyond the issue they bring to the table, and that this is especially true when the presented issue is sexual.
It’s rare to get a couple with big sexual issues who don’t have non-sexual issues too. The men often think those non-sexual issues are not effecting the sexual issue. And they are almost always wrong.
Sex is very much a holistic act. How you feel physically and how well you slept last night are a factor. How your day went and how much stress you’re dealing with makes a difference. And your relationship with the person you hope to have sex with matters.
Men, and especially men who are not getting nearly enough sex, are able to function sexually even if all kinds of other things are out of whack. Women are far less able to do that. Not less willing, less able. Because of how God made them.
Stress and tiredness make it difficult for her to get aroused and to reach climax. Problems with you can keep her from wanting sex, even if her body is horny. As I said before, these things affect her because of how God made her mind. She can’t change them by force of will. She can force herself to have sex she doesn’t want and won’t enjoy if she thinks she should. Or if she is tired of you dogging her for sex. But doing that too often will push her away from sex even more.
I’ve dealt with couples whose sex difficulties are all about sex. But for the vast majority of couples with sex problems, the primary causes have nothing to do with sex.
If your sex life is not what you want it to be, I’d love to do a bit of coaching with you. Or Lori with your wife. If you’re both willing to deal with the real issues, things can get better.
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How can you deal with issues you or your partner are not aware you have because they are buried so deep?
@Clifford Wharton – That is where 3rd party help comes in. A good therapist or coach can help you follow the clues and find the issues. Depending on what is behind it, story work may be a big help.
I doubt it would help. We have been through Christian ‘coaching’ and specialist psychiatric treatment several times with no lasting benefit rather the opposite.
Wife was sexually assaulted as a teen but she is not consciously aware of it. She now refuses to even consider any more coaching as everything we have tried over ~40 years has done more harm than good.