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Yesterday I told the women on The XY Code that if women understood what sex means to their husband, and how not having it often enough effects him, she would say no far less often. I said if she was not up to full sex, she would be quick to offer something else, and would initiate on occasion. And if she had junk from her past, that was getting in the way of sex, she would be motivated to deal with that.
I believe this is what any decent, loving woman would do if she had a clue about her husband’s sexual reality. Perhaps some gals avoid understanding his reality to avoid what that would require of them. But still.
I also told the ladies what a decent, loving husband would do if he understood her sexual reality. He would make changes in when and how he asks. He would change what he asks for, what he expects, and what happens when sex does occur. And if he was looking at porn, he’d be motivated to deal with that. And I fully believe all that is true.
If you still look at porn, either you don’t get it, or you don’t care about your wife. If you seek sex when she’s dead tired, either you don’t get it, or you don’t love her. And so on.
For the most part, I think guys don’t get it. I realise many are blinded by their unending horniness, but if they understood her reality, I think most would be able to move past even that. Perhaps some guys avoid understanding her reality to avoid what that would require of them. But still.
All of this is to say her sexual reality is far different from your sexual reality. But her reality is just as real and valid, and it affects her just as much as your reality affects you. Much of what you judge as selfish or unloving is neither. If you can accept that as truth, it will be the start of change.
If you really want to go all in, ask her to explain what she thinks and feels about sex, and why she thinks and feels those things. Don’t judge her or argue, just hear her heart. Then pray about what you should change because of her reality.
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I have told people all around me that husbands have valid sexual needs. Womenhave a valid need to be seen as more than a sex object. Spouses need to try to understand and meet each other’s needs. It’s the loving thing to do. I have heard stories of men insisting on sex when their wives were ill with covid. I have read comments along the lines of “If she doesn’t put out when I want, I’ll be back in the morning. I’m visiting my sidepiece.” I have read heartbreaking stories of women refusing their husbands as a form of control. These things are disgusting and heartbreaking. We can do better for each other, with the help of God.
@Anonymous2000 _ I agree, that is a valid need for every wife.
My wife has refused sex for many years. Any attempt to talk about it only leads to trouble and she is not prepared to work at it. She has ‘junk’ from her teen years which she is not consciously aware of. She has a long-term illness and effectively she is married to the illness not to me. Her ‘need’ is to have no sex in any form.
If I only seek sex when my wife is Not tired , Not stressed , Not busy , Not Preoccupied, Not overwhelmed, Not on Phone, Not watching favorite show, Not picking out a vacation, Not making to-do-list , Not planning work schedule, Not getting ready ,Not asking me for help Etc. Etc. …..Then there is no chance for connecting. I guess I am selfish ? Wife is also to busy to work on these issues.
@Chris B – So basically, you never seek sex? So sorry.
I’d say it’s not a sex problem, but a time use and busyness problem that is killing sex.