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On Monday, I started a discussion abut needs with the woman on The XY Code. I framed it with a definition of need from Wikipedia that I modified for marriage:
A need is something required for a safe, stable and healthy marriage.
What do you need for a healthy marriage? Most men put sex near the top of the list. That’s valid, but what else do you need? You need to feel respected. You need non-sexual intimacy, both physical and emotional. You need to do things you enjoy as a couple. If you had all the sex you could handle, and were missing some of those other things, you wouldn’t have a happy, healthy marriage. As great and important as sex is, it will never take the place of all the other things you need.
What your wife needs for a stable and healthy marriage is actually very similar to what you need. The difference is what is at the top of her list. And just as some things further down your list don’t seem to matter when sex is lacking, what’s lower on her list doesn’t do much for her when the things at the top are lacking. Or non-existent. And for many women, sex is that way. Without good communication and feeling loved, sex with you doesn’t appeal to her.
If you want a good marriage, you must figure out what your wife needs for a good marriage, and then provide her with those things. As you start to give her the things on the top of her list, other needs will show up. And yes, that may well include sex.
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I like the article, and it is accurate. This is how a good healthy marriage should work. Each spouse should be committed to the needs of the other. This is reminiscent of the “Take care of her needs and she will take care of yours”. A man’s list of needs will be 90% shorter. Most of the time Sex will be at the top of the list. For a woman Sex is usually near the bottom of the list. Men can spend their entire life trying to figure out the complexities what needs to be done to meet their spouse’s needs. With minimal ground gained it normally doesn’t take long for the man to figure out that it is a complicated process to meet enough of his wife’s needs to be “rewarded” with any kind of a sex life. I know that love, not sex, should be the drive to meet your spouse’s needs. But when sex is at the top of the man list, and sexual contact is few and far between, basically unimportant……then it is hard to continually keep meeting your wife’s needs without feeling used or taken advantage of. I do not know the science behind it ….but having a mutual sexual experience with my wife changes my attitude, wants, mood, energy etc… I do not believe that any wife owes her husband a sex life, neither do I believe any husband owes his wife hours of conversation each week. But in a healthy marriage all needs should be important to each spouse including emotional, non-sexual and sexual. All individual needs for both should be approached with a “team effort”. After all husband and wife should be sold out to benefiting the marriage as a whole.
@Chris B – I know plenty of women who put sex high on their list. Most of them feel good about their marriages in general, but I’ve met a few who wanted sex even when there were significant issues in their marriage. But what you said certainly exists!
This is a bit off topic but I would like your opinion. I know that I am painting with a broad brush here but is “married sex” inherently unfair to men? My reasoning behind the question is this…Assuming the Marriage is healthy and no health problems for either….All a woman has to do have a sex life is to be willing to receive pleasure from her mate. The majority of the time the husband will be more than willing to accommodate her sexual needs and desires. Very little(if any) effort has to be mustered. For the man to have a sex life the list is quite complicated and to long to share in a short post. The basic jest is to be most everything your wife needs, expects and even what she is not aware of. The act of making love must be preceded with hours or days even of priming her sexual desires through various activities that require a significant mental load. I realize that a lot of these “various activities” should be what a good husband naturally wants to do out of Love not with an end goal in mind. But thinking with the broad brush….Is “married sex” unfair to men?
@Chris B- There are women who will tell you their husband is not willing to accommodate her sexual needs and desires. But that aside…
The unfairness for women is that sex is nowhere as easy for them. They need more to get aroused, and more to get to climax. Virtually all women have occasions when they can’t orgasm, despite very much wanting to do so. Being left unsatisfied because their body or brain are not cooperating is no fun. And because of that, there are times she says no to sex because she is afraid of being left like that. Other times she agrees to something just for him, because she fears that if she tries to come, she won’t.
How would sex change for you if there was a 10% chance that if any given time would end with you horny but unable to get release?
The various activities you mention are things that improve her chances of fully enjoying sex.
Thanks for the reply.
I understand and agree with everything you said. I can not understand what women struggle with and don’t pretend to either. I know my question was very broad and did not apply to every situation. What drove my question was the idea that the majority (80% or more) of every blog, book, therapist etc. that offers sex advice……places the responsibility of Libido on the man. If your wife/partner is lacking in the Libido area then the advice is usually for the man to step up his game and stop being lazy and do what your wife/partner needs to awaken the sexual desires within. Which is good advice in some cases but not all.
Again I appreciate the reply.
One other note to your reply…..Assuming a healthy marriage and no physical limitations… Why would you not want to accommodate the sexual needs or desires of your wife? It only brings pleasure and joy to her. Which in return makes the relationship better.
@Chris B – It could be selfishness. But if that’s not seen in other areas, that is probably not it.
Shame is a big one. That could be because of past abuse or wrong teaching. For men, it can be the shame of not being always horny, the way the world tells us men should be.
This is the short version of the thesis of the book “His Needs, Her Needs”
Men and women mostly need the same thing, but typically order the lists differently.