A while back I pointed to Dr. Corey Carlisle’s post entitled Growing Up Sexually. And one of you emailed me and asked, “What would that even look like”?
I’ve been thinking about that. And my thinking started by considering what immature or adolescent sexuality looks like.
When puberty hit, we were horny all the time. And when we figured out how to “resolve” that we did it, all the time. Many teenage boys masturbated multiple times a day at least at first, and many continued to do so daily into adulthood. There was no holding back; if we felt the desire we just did it. I suspect most had at least a few masturbation episodes in public restrooms or somewhere out in the wild. Feel it, do it, move on.
The same was true for our eyes. We lusted after girls because we could and when we found porn we did the same with that. If/when we became sexual with a girl, it was much the same. We let our arousal rule us. We pushed, we manipulated, and we guilted. I’ve talked to a lot of men who feel somewhat bad about one or more sexual experiences from their teens.
Adolescent sexuality was all about us. It was about our desire, our pleasure, and getting things when and how we wanted them.
Grown-up sexuality should be very different. Our desires and pleasure are important, but they’re only half the equation. What our wife wants, and her pleasure, are also important. And if we apply some basic biblical principles, her pleasure should matter more to us than our own.
One of the most difficult parts of this is the when of sex. After years of being able to have an orgasm pretty much whenever we wanted it, having to work out timing with another person is challenging. We had trained ourselves to not wait, and that comes back to bite us when we get married.
I suspect most of us were still functioning out of our adolescent sexuality when we got married and I think that causes a great many problems. We hurt, scare, and frustrate our wives, and this can have a long-term negative effect on our sex lives. Sadly that effect may live long past our growing up sexually.
Please don’t think I am suggesting grown-up sexuality means less sex or limiting ourselves to “vanilla sex”. The Bible is clear God wants us to have an active and varied sex life. I think a lot of the limitations on sex lives come from another form of immature sexuality. Or should I say another gender’s immature sexuality. I’ll write about that over on The XY Code in a week or two.
A grown-up sex life is rich and full, and it works for both husband and wife. Getting to that requires both spouses to grow up sexually.
A post worth reading:
Corona Virus – Shelter In Place … How to Keep Troubled, Uncertain Times from Damaging Your Marriage | FAITHFUL MAN® – Be aware, be wise.
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So, how should the conversations be phrased when talking to our horny teenagers? We are pretty open about sex in my house but I have found it difficult to explain to him that it won’t always be about how he feels and what he wants. That his habits now can make it easier or harder on his future wife. He listens but can’t understand.
@Active Mom – That’s tough.
I tell boys that their wife will not want to have sex 24/7, and developing an appetite for that is going to hurt both of them. I also advise not masturbating at least one day a week to develop some degree of self-control, and I’d advise cutting back to every other day as a teen gets older.
But as they say, you can lead a horse to water, but you just can’t drown it.
Not sure about the “Please don’t think I am suggesting grown-up sexuality means less sex or limiting ourselves to “vanilla sex” part, particularly the frequency part. If you’re use to whenever, you’re almost certain to see a drop in frequency unless you are blessed with a high drive wife. In my case, it pretty much meant both. I might be the exception, though.