Let me start by saying I don’t think anal sex is sinful. The Bible doesn’t say it is, and I refuse to add to what the Bible says.
However, this issue is a point of contention in more and more marriages.
We know a wife who woke up to her husband trying to have anal sex, something they had never done! This is an extreme case, but it’s just the far end of a very common complaint from women. He wants it, she says no, and he keeps asking and hinting forever. Or she tries it once or a few times and doesn’t like it (or finds it painful) and says never again, but he keeps pushing for it.
I know the women in porn seem to love anal sex, but that’s not reality. I know it seems everyone is having anal sex these days, but that’s not reality either. The truth is most women who have tried anal don’t enjoy it, and many have never managed to do it without pain. And this is not just an uptight Christian reality, it’s the norm. Over on Quora, I have seen a lot of self-described sex-positive women who won’t have anything to do with anal sex.
It is true there are women who enjoy anal sex, and it’s true some women say it’s the best sex they have. However, these women are in the minority. Most don’t want to do it (or do it again) and most who do it would rather not.
If your wife has said no to anal sex, please, please, stop pushing her for it. Don’t ask, don’t hint, don’t talk about it. Even better, tell your wife you realise you’ve been a selfish jerk about this and have hurt her. Apologise for that, promise it won’t come up again, and ask her to forgive you.
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We tried it years ago about twice. My wife definitely did not like it, says it hurt even with lots of lube. For me, I enjoyed, it was something different. I asked a couple of times after that, she said no and I stopped asking, that was 20 years ago. I knew she didn’t want it, so I stopped. I have a close friend and we have talked about sex, he says his wife actually enjoys it and even asks for it sometimes. For them, it is just part of their sex life, like oral and different positions.
You made it further than we did. My wife hesitantly agreed to try once shortly after we married. I barely touched the opening, let alone pushed inside, and she said it really hurt and gave up. That was the end of it. I think I suggested we try it a couple more times but she was clear that it was not an option and never would be.
I think I might have enjoyed it but maybe it’s best I don’t know. It’s challenge enough to get starvation rations of PiV even when I do most of the actual work. It’s just one more thing I would miss if I knew I liked it.
Definitely apologize and stop asking. If she can’t trust that you won’t keep asking her for it, she can’t trust that you won’t accidentally slip when you’re not going for anal.
Like basically everything else, figure this out before you get married if it is really important to you. It can be the most gratifying, fantastic experience, or it can be a source of total discontent.
I don’t know about trying to figure this out before marriage. As long as we are preaching (as we should) abstinence before marriage, I think it will be difficult to really ask us to have this figured out before marriage. Dr. Schnarch talks about marriage and sex as a “people growing machine” because it is not practical to expect us to figure all of this out before marriage.
@MrShorty – I think couples do well to have some discussion before marriage. Preferably with a third party leading it.
Ask an engaged couple how often they expect to have sex after they get married. Let the man answer. Watch the woman’s face go pale. Discuss the issue.
I guess I read mykidsmademedoit’s comment differently. I read the comment as saying that we should have all the answers on this topic figured out before marriage. I am all for beginning the dialog and learning about how to have these kinds of discussions before marriage. What I took exception to was the inference that I got out of the comment that a couple should not only begin the dialog, but come to final resolutions to these kinds of things before marriage.
@MrShorty – I understand what you’re saying – not sure what he meant.
What about the health considerations?
1) The alimentary canal is made for 1-way traffic – quite unlike her vagina. Violate that rule and you introduce a lot of issues.
2) Pain during the act as you mention.
3) Damage to her anus and rectum. This could be to the muscles in/around those structures which may cause fecal incontinence.
4) Tears to her anus and rectum which can introduce fecal matter directly into her blood stream.
5) Fecal matter in your urinary tract.
6) Fecal matter in her mouth if you engage in oral after anal sex – even if you’ve cleaned yourself, there may be remnants of it left on you.
It seems to me that the risks involved – structural damage (which may be permanent), hepatitis, e-coli, etc. – overshadow any benefits of engaging in this activity.
@Ol’ Will – No argument from me on any of what you said. I think it’s a bad idea because of those things. However, there are folks who do it often and never have a problem.
I do wish there was better information on the real risks. Those who are opposed to it exaggerate, and those who are for it downplay the potential problems. And speaking out agaist it is a good way to get attacked. Several doctors who had said something negative about it on-line eventually deleated the content.
While this in theory wouldn’t be a problem for monogamous couples, receiving anal sex is the BEST way to get an acquired infection. There is a 1/8 chance of getting AIDS after a single round of anal sex (the only more reliable way to transmit infection is with a blood transfusion). It’s related to the damage that Ol Will lists — tearing and lesions and mixing blood, semen, and feces.
I have been married 8 years with my wife. My wife has always had trouble having pleasure (orgasm) with conventional sex despite our best efforts.
About midway into our relationship, we found out that we both were very aroused by anal foreplay and sex. We were not Christians at the time. After being powerfully touched by God, we decided to stop having anal sex but my wife admitted missing it because it was the only way she would reach orgasms.
Of course, we strive to maintain perfect hygiene and as I said, we both have pleasure doing it. I could probably safely say that my wife enjoys it more than I do and I never pressured her into it.
I have prayed for my wife to get more pleasure through more conventional sex but to no avail so far
I am curious to know what Christian couples think about our situation.
I would say the marriage bed is pure and undefiled. No where does the Bible say not to do it. If you and your wife are both comfortable with it, search your hearts, establish the truth of what I just said, and unless the Holy Spirit specifically prompts one of you otherwise, go for it and enjoy yourselves. This is especially true if your wife doesn’t orgasm well by commonly accepted sexual acts. If she wants anal and it’s the best way for her to orgasm, don’t withhold that from her. THAT would be a far greater wrong/sin than anal sex ever was.
I have heard this argument from my wife who works in the medical field. However, I was also present when our children were born. I saw with my own eyes when they performed an episiotomy to open more room so that our son could fit through (he was a big lad and it was quite a sight to see the huddle of doctors and nurses working). If you don’t know what that is, the tissue between the vagina and the anus is deliberately cut.
Now, as I said, she has preached that fecal matter must be kept clear from the vagina at all times and especially the blood stream. I generally agree. I watched as medical personnel mingled all three simultaneously.
Yes, they had good reason or they wouldn’t have done it. The fact remains that it isn’t instant death and won’t even necessarily even cause sickness or infection. God made the body pretty robust and those parts more so than most of us realize. The whole thing was sn ordeal so, yes, she took some time to recover but not from the episiotomy, exactly. She wasn’t particularly aware that it had even taken place. It healed up just fine and she was none the worse for it and that was no tiny tear from not having quite enough lube.
And before someone points out how very clean conditions are in the hospital as opposed to a bedroom, first, my wife would not like the insinuation against her housekeeping and second the human body just does what it does. I can tell you quite plainly that fecal matter cross contaminated into both the bloodstream and the vagina before it was all over. They did try to prevent that but it eventually happened anyway. No, I couldn’t help prevent it. You couldn’t have fit another person in around my wife without preventing the ones already there from working (it was already very challenging with so many) and then fecal matter would be the last thing on anyone’s mind.
The point, it is BEST to clean and keep fecal matter out of some places it isn’t meant to be but it gets there more often than you realize, anyway, and prohibiting something someone else might enjoy out of hopes that you might keep them a little more clean really won’t help much. Better off to just encourage all involved to exercise excellent hygiene before and after, use plenty of lube, take their time, and enjoy themselves, if that’s what they (as husband and wife) enjoy.
AMEN!
Don’t quite understand what the attraction is about it!
Like Ol’Will said, the cons by far outweigh the pros. In my mind it is another one of those “porn induced” ideas or fantasies.
“You are what you eat and you’ll desire what you watch”
Aside from the health risks mentioned my Ol’ Will above, there are a couple of other reasons that anal sex is a really bad idea.
1) It was traditionally used, in some societies, to subjugate and humiliate male captives after battle.There’s powerful symbolism of oppression there, and introducing that into a marriage doesn’t seem smart.
2) I think the question of its sinfulness isn’t completely settled; certainly ‘unnatural acts’ are proscribed by the Bible, and using one physical system for something totally different (and potentially damaging) can be construed unnatural (which may also make oral sex a sin). It is worth noting that both anal and oral sex were against the law in much or all of the United States for a large part of its history, and we can’t assume that the people who thus legislated were uneducated. Their Biblical interpretation was coloured, to be sure, by a strong streak of Calvinism that underpinned our country’s founding, but we also have to admit that the modern ‘tolerance’ for thee practices come from a liberalizing of theological thought that may come more from a desire to be nice than to hew to Biblical principles.
I’m fully aware that many people find anal sex enjoyable and fulfilling; many people find the same qualities in heroin.
@Andrew Budek-Schmeisser – Of course, the same verses and reasoning have been used to say it’s sinful to have sex with the lights on or in any position other than missionary.
I’m not for anal sex, I’m, opposed to adding to the Word of God
I am totally against trying this and have always been clear on that point. I wish this was not such a popular thing among men. It depresses me. Like it’s an accomplishment to get a woman to let you do this unpleasant thing to her. My husband has told me about coworkers who brag about getting it.
I knew a gay guy who told me when he decided to lose his virginity in this way he got totally drunk because he expected it to be painful and didn’t want his pain to make it unpleasant for the other guy. I found that story to be somewhere between tragic and horrifying.
I firmly, irrevocably, and unapologetically believe anal sex is a sin and perversion of the body. It is a direct violation against the natural order and dignity of how and why God created sex.
The Bible says nothing about taking meth or LSD…..
And no specific biblical argument can be made that methamphetamine or LSD is a sin, hallucinogenic substances were around when the Bible was written, as was anal sex, yet they aren’t mentioned. Moses was arguably on ayahuasca when he saw a burning bush. Not liking something doesn’t make it “sinful”, how people in the US saw things 50 years ago isn’t the barometer for “sinful”. People are free to use whatever drugs they like and engage in pretty much any sex act they want. It doesn’t have to be a sin to make it something you don’t want to do. I think smoking and being fat are inherently bad decisions, but it doesn’t make them sins
@mykidsmademedoit – I think verses on drunkenness cover drugs that cause a loss of self-control.
Got here via twitter. I agree husbands shouldn’t pressure their wives. That is only going to end badly for both. However, wives should also be encouraged to explore and expand their sexuality in their marriage bed so long as it does not directly contradict the Bible.
As a wife who not only engages in it but also enjoys it, I have something to add. I enjoy it because hubby can enter me far deeper that PIV. It feels full and pleasurable. And above all, it is crazy intimate for us.
“The truth is most women who have tried anal don’t enjoy it, and many have never managed to do it without pain”
Repeated surveys and studies have shown that the primary reason women don’t enjoy it or found it painful is because they were forced or pressured into it. The vast majority of those that find it enjoyable had: good initial experiences, were in a committed relationship, and have high trust in their partner.
The vast majority of studies that are anal sex negative tend to revolve around prostitution, violence, and alcohol/narcotics. Sadly these studies are the ones that get majority of the press. While I generally enjoy J Parker at Hot Holy Humorous, she unfortunately is one that I’ve only seen her quote these types of negative studies that don’t reflect a loving husband and wife relationship [it’s the only episode of the For Christian Wives podcast that I got frustrated with for having bad information and bad data].
It’s a good thing that so many are there to help wives who struggle with sexual intimacy after early sexual trauma. Sadly, most are happy to just encourage the trauma if it concerns anal sex and brush it off.
2012 survey of 1,893 women in the U.S. by Aleksandar Stulhofer backed by Springer published in Journal of Sexual Behavior found:
79.1% did find the experience painful on their first attempt. Women who reported pain were 8x more likely to have reported no anal foreplay, 25x more likely to have and inconsiderate or rough partner, and 12x more likely to have no use of lubricant than those who reported a pleasurable experience. However, when incorporating proper foreplay and lubricant over 41% of these women had incorporated it into their regular sexual activities.
How is it any wonder that they didn’t enjoy it? Most women wouldn’t enjoy PIV sex under those conditions either!
The Redbook sexuality survey of 2017 matches several other 2017 studies but had more respondents. For example, the SKYN Condoms 2017 survey found similar patterns but had lower numbers.
66% of women have tried anal sex.
37% of those women say they enjoy it.
48% of women who have tried anal sex engage in it more than 6 times a year (only 22% engage monthly; 5% bi-weekly; 2% weekly)
92% of women who engage in anal sex “regularly” (monthly or greater) are in committed long term relationships.
As for those who say the influence is porn, that has been debunked multiple times as well. For example, see the 2010 Heterosexual Anal Sexuality from Indiana University published by Society of Scientific Study of Sexuality which was unable to find any link.
The fact of the matter is there are no records for anal sex pre WW 1. After WW1, US troops experienced it with European women so the numbers were drastically high for US men and low for US women. After WW2, even more US troops came home with experiences from Asian and European women. Since then the statistics have been growing at a steady rate that has not been tied to any thing in particular. If anything, the influence of other cultures has only increased it. The top the demographics of women who engage regularly in anal sex are white women, Latino women, and Brazilian women – all of which are cultures that do not have the stigma of anal sex being bad. [I don’t remember the study unfortunately, but I believe Colombian and Brazilian women it is almost the norm due to the influence of the culture on the butt being a high erogenous zone and as a method of birth control].
While LOADS of people cite the “30% of women have tried” stat, that is dated to the late 90’s and early 2000’s. Since 2015 repeated studies have cited the actual number of US women to have tried it is between to 60% and 70%. The number who engage in it regularly (more than 6x a year) is between 35%-45% and of those that are regular the percentage is almost always in the 90% range of women who enjoy it. Meaning that in 2018 the stats are in the upper 30 percentile range for women who enjoy anal sex! That’s one in three!
Lastly, the claims of horrific health problems are almost always pointed at studies done in the 80’s and 90’s where the women were abused, trafficked, and/or intoxicated. There is very little evidence that women who have healthy anal sex practices have issues over the long term. The claim that there are micro-tears, are true. But they happen naturally – for example, during a hefty poo. It is the big tears that are the problem and those shouldn’t happen if he has taken the time to stimulate, loosen, and lubricate her.
There is plenty of good scientific information out there for those willing to look. None of it says there are issues between a husband and wife who practice it in a loving and safe way. Most of the time it is quite encouraging.
When you say it’s okay to sexually explore as long as it doesn’t contradict the Bible I’d like to ask these questions. Just because it’s stimulating to a rising number of ladies in the u.s. And almost normal overseas does that mean it’s okay to go against Gods original design for man and women in sex in your opinion? Just because if done safely doesn’t mean it’s okay by biblical standards ( but I’m not saying it is it’s dicey when you look at all the povs. It’s a grey area I know, I’m curious your opinion. Have you had any physical problems from it after engaging regularly in the time you’ve engaged in it ?
Lastly from a biblical stand point in romans it talks about God letting people to their shameful lists, (I’m NOT saying that directly points to anal sex you enjoy in your marriage) For their women exchanged natural functions for what is unnatural. And man abandoned natural function. God condemns the unnatural use of women and man here. I know it means not straight relations between women however it could also mean unnatural sex from a man to a women. I’m curious your opinion. I’m not trying to insult your desires in any way, but when you say sex is okay as long as it’s biblical and doesn’t contradict the Bible this MIGHT be a reason that contradicts in a way God allows it but doesn’t like it.
This has less to do with sex then it does for the desire for a man to have his wife be submissive and respectful to him. Much as women do not need to be wined, dined, jeweler’d and treated as princesses to be loved as Christ Ioves the church. It’s our need meeting our weakness.
Anal sex in a world were wives are taught to be anti submissive and respectful says to a man, right-wrong-or mistakenly- you are my man and I will follow you anywhere. I will even hurt for you. It says I’m so attracted to you I’m willing to do this act. It has very, very little to do with the act itself.
Sure porn has brought it to the forefront but it is about being willing to give ones all to another. That’s the way it’s understood even if mistakenly.
The whole “I will even hurt for you” part disturbs me. How does one enjoy causing a loved one pain?
It’s like your jewelry example. Some women seem to want the most expensive stuff (like engagement rings) whether or not the guy can actually afford it. I’ve always thought that was crazy. Give me what you can really afford, don’t hurt yourself to give me flashy stuff I don’t really need.
And, the reality is that if you are married, what hurts one hurts both, so it really doesn’t work in the long run.
Does it disturb you when Christ did it/does it for us? Or when your husband does it for you? We openly preach sacrificial love as the highest calling for a husband as he imitates Christ. Christ who was beaten, whipped open till you could see his backbone, pierced and died in one of the most painful ways invented by man. This is what we teach husbands love is. Love is willing to hurt and give till it hurts.
I’m not claiming this is the right way to look at it this particular subject. But it is the psychological reason behind it. In a church and a world full of selfish, sinful people we are all looking for “a tell”, that tells us someone really loves us amongst all the sin and noise. For women that means a romantic tell, that was never done until books, movies, magazines, social media etc bombarded us with what “love” is- unendless time, attention, “feelings” and gifts. For men, it usually comes down to sex and are you willing to be submissive to us (depending on the man in the culture we are in the latter may not be true).
But this is not about the act. The place “it” is being placed. It’s about the feeling of having one give you their everything. Again, not saying I agree with this. I’d rather have a woman who was willing if I asked but I would rather be the husband to her that doesn’t. We get those needs filled elsewhere besides this act.
I think it’s the enjoyment of something that causes pain that disturbs me. I don’t derive pleasure from thinking about Jesus being beaten. It seems pretty disturbing to me.
Now, there are times when it is necessary to suffer for someone you love. For example, if my husband needed a kidney, I’d give one to him if I could. I’m sure he would find that a touching act of love, but I doubt either of us would actually enjoy it.
I think this also disturbs me because I personally fear that this could cause a real injury, not just temporary discomfort. It frightens me. I don’t want to think of my husband taking pleasure in that.
@G – Bingo. Banned Bob’s comment is all wrong. Christ does not ask us to submit to Him causing us pain just for His kicks. Let’s not try to spiritualise selfishness!
I could not possibly enjoy doing something to my wife knowing it was uncomfortable or gross to her. Thinking it was causing her pain or was destroying her desire to have sex with me would make it impossible for me to keep going.
I agree with you Paul, but I don’t think that’s what Bob is saying. Unless I’m misinterpreting his comment, he’s saying that the reason it’s a turn on to men is that it’s an extreme form of submission to the husband. I don’t think Bob is saying this is a good enough justification to perform the act necessarily, but rather what is underneath some men’s desire for it.
Brian is correct. But I’m going to disagree with Paul & G. We literally sing with joy each Sunday that Christ did what He did. There is countless scriptures, hymns and praise songs that all have this as an attribute. Paul, here on this blog, has countless times preached sacrificial love. Perhaps he needs to look up the definition of the word sacrificial in how it is used within scripture- it quite literally has to do with the shedding of blood. I know many wives who are more than comfortable with their husbands hurting at work- discomfort, bleeding, putting themselves at risk. It is just that we are usually fine with men hurting, much less so with a woman hurting.
But Brian is correct, I want to know my wife is willing to hurt for me and I want to do everything including having myself hurt to make sure she never does.
@Banned Bob – The problem with your analogy is Christ=husband and church=wife. So the wife suffering for the husband is the reverse of what Jesus did.
Sacrifice is what one does willingly, not what one is asked/told/forced to do by the one who benefits from the sacrifice.
So Jesus never asks/tells (I won’t even include your outrageous claim that I suggest something be forced) us to suffer for His sake? That seems to be a significant portion of His message while hear on earth. Without a doubt the rewards far outweigh the sacrifice when done, but I think this is personal for you- both towards me (and you seem to be totally ignoring the last & most important sentences in my last two posts in there entirety ) and the subject- because I can’t even with all of our personal disagreements on theology believe you think Jesus doesn’t ask us to suffer a great deal for His sake. He does, even unto death.
maybe its a generational thing. i know many girls that enjoy anal. they just dont talk about it openly because people freak too easily. i dont mind telling so girls ask me in private all the time for advice so iknow it aint just a minority of women. imho its one of the most practiced taboos i know of.
and dont blame porn, it does enough damage to relationships that it doesnt need to be falsely accused. anal sex has been historically documented as a form of birth control going back as far as mesopotamian eras that date older then moses writing the pentateuch. it is a practice etween man and woman thast found throughout history in middle eastern cultures, african cultures, european cultures, asian cultures, and the americas. the moche culture was in peru and anal was the most commonly expressed form in their art.
DH and i started because i had a bad reaction to birth control pills. we continued because we enjo it.
its a shame it gets such a bad rap from christians. sadly that means many have to go to questionable sites to get proper information about healthy sexual advice. bvibe has good info but i loath a lot of what they stand for.
always start with lots of foreplay. be relaxed. use lots of lube. start with a small plug during sex. when that is comfortable go to a medium plug. learn to relax and enjoy it during other sex acivity. only then should you continue. also, take him cowgirl. its easier if you control depth speed and angle. if you just let him jump all in you wont have a pleasant experience. i recommend a small plug for at least 10 sexual encounters and the medium for at least 5. take a few months to enjoy just having something fill you before he does. you will learn to relax and strech. when you stop being nervous about it you will find it can be quite pleasant. anal should be a long slow build up. the payoff is worth it.
I see the anal sex evangelist have shown up.
A recent study of women who engage in anal sex found that 72% experienced pain the last time they did it. That would be a majority, BTW.
It’s all well and good to claim they have pain because they didn’t do it right (a claim that is not supportable), but the fact remains they did have pain. Given that, it makes no sense to claim the majority of women enjoy it.
Hey Paul,
My wife and I are not practitioners of this nor have we. So I don’t have any experience. I’m more just curious about your reaction.
Pain during vaginal sex is very common for women too. You’ve even blogged about it many times and even this year remarked that statistically 1/3 of women deal with sexual pain (http://the-generous-husband.com/2018/05/12/is-she-hiding-sexual-pain/). Even in that article you give suggestions on methods to better deal with sexual pain but end it with your suggestion in regards to anal sex to just not do it.
To me it is confusing to claim anal pain because of not doing it right is not supportable but yet vaginal pain because of not doing it right can be addressed. It seems to me that this is one of Angie’s complaints.
So why the difference? Why help couples with vaginal sexual pain but tell couples with anal sexual pain to stop? Or am I just completely misunderstanding something?
Thanks for the work you do. I do enjoy your regular encouragement. :-)
@Ed – Valid question! The following is from the study cited:
“About 30% of women and 7% of men reported pain during vaginal intercourse events, and most of the reports of pain were mild and of short duration. About 72% of women and 15% of men reported pain during anal intercourse events, with more of these events including moderate or severe pain (for the women) and of mixed duration.”
So for women pain from anal sex is two and a half times as common as during intercourse. Also, it’s moderate to severe and possibly for a long time as opposed to mild and short-lived for most intercourse pain. Most intercourse pain is easily resolved, while many women have repeatedly tried and failed to engage in anal without pain.
Yes, I’ve tried it but it’s not something we do all of the time. It’s okay to do but it needs to be agreed by both parties. If Ifeel in the mood, I’ll tell him
I’m definitely someone who disproves the claim that porn makes men want certain sex acts. I watched porn for many years, and I have never had a strong desire to do it. I admit that if my wife wanted to, I would be excited just to try something new and different, but I’ve never asked for it because I’m afraid of the risks to her.
@Brian- I don’t think that disproves anything.
No one ever sai that just because someone watched porn means that they will desire anal sex. Yet it’s popularity has risen greatly with porn glorifying it. But it is not everyone’s thing. Just like rough sex or spanking or…. you name it… it is a seed in someone’s mind and in many it takes root and in some it doesn’t.
Jay, I’m pretty sure everything you just said proved me right. There’s a reason it’s not everyone’s thing and there’s a reason it takes root with some people and not with others. It’s called personal preferences and the porn didn’t put that there. Porn might have awakened that desire that was already there, but it didn’t create it.
@Brian- The way I see it is that our heart and soul is a breeding ground, a soil, if you will, for all kinds of things, good and bad (personal preference). Not everyone’s soil is the same and your right, porn is not what determines the soil. But, if exposed to it enough, it conditions the solid for its seed to grow. Many people go through life never having really explored their personal preference in all kinds of things, incl. sexual matters, because they chose not to expose themselves to certain things. In our subject, when porn sows it’s seeds, some things will grow in certain soil and some won’t. I’m sure I have all kinds of preferences in my sexuality that would not be healthy for my marriage, and therefore I don’t want porn to sow it’s seeds into my soil to see which would flourish and which don’t. I also don’t want my soil to be conditioned towards growing things that would be unhealthy for my marriage. This isn’t just about anal sex. It is about all kinds of things that lead me to focus on a certain act that can become much more important to me then the relationship itself.
So yes, I still hold to, that porn has and still does condition people to certain preferences, had they not been exposed to them over and over.
For example: I think I’ve only ever seen anal sex once in my life and thought “why would anyone want to do that?” If I now would expose myself to it more and more, I think eventually I’d come to the place where I might think I want to experience it. Even just reading comments from the “evangelists” here makes me start wondering what I/we could be missing. So while it is not my natural personal preference, I’m sure I could become conditioned to it but I don’t want to be because we’ve had the talk when we first got married and both decided that it was not for us!
@Jay – A great way of putting it! I agree 100%.
Developing a strong desire for something our spouse doesn’t want to do never works out well. Anything we can do to avoid that happening is wise.
I will throw my hat in the ring with those who are disinterested, but don’t want to call it sinful (assuming throwing my hat anywhere really means anything).
To me, this really boils down to “how to navigate and negotiate sexual differences in marriage. Not that I have any answers, but:
When should one spouse’s veto mean “never bring this up again”? How will we know?
When should one spouse be willing to do or try something as a gesture of generosity? Can you try something once, and then veto it in perpetuity after that?
How much discomfort should I expect to undergo for my spouse? How much discomfort should I expect my spouse to undergo for me? (Dr. Harley informs a lot of my personal answers to this one, though, I admit, fully implementing his “Policy of Joint Agreement” — especially regarding issues like this, is challenging).
What does anal sex mean to me (whether you are the one wanting it or the one not wanting it)? What does his asking/her refusing mean to me?
How does this discussion change if we replace anal with oral sex or sex during her period or non-missionary positions or whatever other sexual difference you think of?
I will agree that trying to force (or ask repeatedly until you wear down her resistance) is a bad plan. I also think that a blanket “no, I will not do that.” can be problematic as well. Somewhere in between “Never say no” and “refuse to even consider saying yes” is where we really learn to navigate and negotiate sexual differences and this is where real growth and development occurs.
@MrShorty- I think your hat landed in the rink very well. Well said!
“Can you try something once, and then veto it in perpetuity after that?”
If that was the case, most people would never give French kissing a second try.
I for one am someone that loves to try new things, specially if my DW is on board. But to me the big question is “what is worth trying again and what isn’t?” It very much depends on how she feels about it. But where I think it becomes very problematic is when one spouse has been exposed to something (through previous experiences, reading, porn, etc) to the point where they think it is a must while the other wants nothing to do with it and that “thing” now become the definition of the relationship.
Just a question: how many guys would let their wives use a strap on and receive anal sex? I for one know my husband would give me an emphatic no, and therefore is ok with mine.
I would if she asked.
@Molly- I’m with you!
@Brian- I thought you said AS wasn’t you’re thing!
I did say that. It’s not something that I feel a strong desire to do. That doesn’t mean I would say no to trying it if my wife asked. That’s what I think being sexually open is about.
@Molly – You sound like my wife. Her suggestion for wives is to say “You first”.
I’m curious about prostate massage. Are some of the same arguments against anal sex relevant or is it a completely different thing? Should I be open to receiving it from my wife?
@Mitch – I would put anal play and anal intercourse into different categories because the size of what is being inserted is very different and there is less vigorous movement. It’s still not a “clean” environment so there is the need to be careful about that. But many of the concerns of anal intercourse are not an issue due to the differences.
To the husbands comparing Christ’s sacrifice on the cross to a wife’s willingness to do anal sex, you should be ashamed. Christ died for our SINS, our SHAME, our utter DEPRAVITY. He willingly took our rightful place on that cross, separated forever from GOD, was BEATEN and TORTURED for US, and the night before it happened He begged God to take this cup away, to find another way because He did not want to be severed from the Father, sweated blood because He knew what was waiting for Him. And yet Christ still went through it because He knew what needed to be done.
If you are getting off on your wife’s pain, that is not love. If you can’t see that Christ sacrificing Himself for YOUR SIN is completely different than sticking something up a hole that you don’t actually need to use to enjoy sex, then you need to reassess your heart. And if you’re making your spouse feel bad about not wanting this one tiny sex act, then you’re the one with the issue, not them.
Amen!