Some of the comments on my Hints are for puzzles post discussed hinting for sex. Here is one comment that I suspect many can relate to:
“…the reason I hinted was so that I or we didn’t ruin the entire evening. If it’s a rejected hint, then she can pass it off as not getting the hint and I can just let it slide. If I put myself out there completely then it’s much harder to hide the disappointment and she has to face the disappointment and it ruins the evening.
Basically, I wanted to have sex with my wife, not to end the evening with a downer, which is usually what my sexual overtures did.”
Been there, done that, rarely got her T-shirt off.
I understand how not really talking about it saves frustration and lowers the risk of a confrontation that ruins the evening, or the week, or… On the other hand, maybe avoiding the confrontation also means avoiding doing anything that makes for a real change. Imagine it from her perspective – if you hint, if you don’t outright ask, isn’t that an indication that it’s not really that important? You say it’s important, but your actions say something else. Your actions say you’d like to, but it’s not important enough for you to make a fuss about it. Your actions say you’re more concerned about her reaction than actually having sex.
If you’re this way about everything, then I suppose it’s who you are, and that’s that. On the other hand, if you’re pushier or less willing to take no about other things, then your actions are telling her that sex is far less important than what movie you go to, where you go to eat, how you spend your weekend, and so on. I mean come on; don’t you see how much someone is willing to “fight” for something as an indication of how much they really want it?
If your hints and other methods of indicating you want sex without asking for it are telling her it’s not that important to you, maybe that’s why you have so little sex?
[This post first appeared July 23, 2010.];
Image Credit: © Paul H. Byerly
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
“Your actions say you’d like to, but it’s not important enough for you to make a fuss about it.”
The other side is (for me, at least), is trying to balance my screaming need for physical and emotional connection with my wife and my desire to love her, cherish her, care for her, and so forth. I already know that she cannot withstand the full force of my drive and desire. I don’t want to bother her or overwhelm her and I know (in my case) that she has medical issues that keep her libido low. Asking for sex and getting turned down makes me feel like a loser – but having to turn down her husband makes my wife feel like a failure as both a wife and a woman.
Sex with my wife is incredibly important to me, but my wife is more important.
Well said!!!
@Wynd – She could use her hand when she can’t do anything else. That’s a win, win.
Yes she could and yes, he would get his release…. if that is what really matters in the end. It hardly seems like Wynd here is the kind of guy though.
This whole idea of a man asking his wife to give him a hand job when she feels to I’ll or in to much physical pain to use the rest of her body, seems rather absurd to me and paints men in a way that has done more damage to mens sex drive then probably anything else.
If anything screams “sex is all about men”, this does!
I think this depends a lot on her reasons for saying no. If she feels terrible, then it is rather selfish. If she’s just “not in the mood”, then I think it’s a reasonable request. You could also ask to just look at her while masturbating or something, that really requires no effort on her part.
Just a question:
How often have you been asked to have sex or perform a sexual act when you were totally not in the mood, for whatever reason.
Could be not feeling well, could be that the relationship isn’t that great or you don’t feel understood etc.
Hard to answer. For many years sex was painful, so I pretty much never wanted to do it for that reason. I didn’t mind giving handjobs, unless I was tired. I hated being asked at bedtime. He never really asked if I was sick or we had recently had a fight. I think he realized that wasn’t cool.
Short answer: a lot in the past, not much recently
I find it sad either way, whether husband or wife. I find it to be quite damaging mentally and emotionally when people are expected to perform sexually when that is the last thing they would want to be doing, whatever the reason.
I’m wondering though whether doing this is easier for women then it is for men?
It is physically easier because women can have sex without being aroused. But, for me at least, that is actually painful. I think part of why women generally seem less into sex is that far more women have been talked into having unpleasant sex, and sex is much less certain to feel good. Bad experiences shape the way you feel about it. I doubt it is psychologically easier for women, maybe harder since it’s more invasive.
But, handjobs are different. It’s kind of like giving a massage. You don’t really need to even think of it as sex. You could plan your grocery shopping while doing it.
@Jay – Where did he say she was in physical pain?
Paul- He didn’t. He said she had medical issues that keep her libido down. (Often medical issues are accompanied by pain and that was part of my assumption. My bad!)
However, my whole point was and still is, to ask a spouse to engage with you in a sexual activity such as a hand job, which many women are uncomfortable with at the best of times, sounds very much like we’re saying here: “Who cares what she feels like, give him what he wants!”
Personally, I would take physical pain over low libido any day if it came to satisfying my wife sexually.
Many men (if not most) have not experienced low libido and what it feels like to engage with their wife sexually even if you don’t feel like it at all! In my experience that is much harder then putting up with physical pain, because any sexual act is so strongly tied to our soul and our emotions.
That’s also why sexual abuse is so much more damaging then any other kind of abuse.
What I would love to see much more in these blogs and conversations is to help and encourage higher desire spouses (men and women) to do allot less asking and find better ways of communicating (not just with words but more with actions) their desire in a way that is inviting and not commanding.
@Jay – In marriage, I think we have a responsibility to make our wants/desires/needs known. That is not just about sex, it’s about everything. Then the other spouse can make a choice. Without the information, they don’t get to make the choice.
If my wife is in pain and needs me to massage a muscle, I want to know about it. Even if I’m tired or in pain myself, I want to know. Likewise if she wants to takde a walk. I can decide if I am willing to set aside my being tired or in pain to do something for my wife.
Lori and I do this with many things, sex included. When we know the other is tried or otherwise limited, we try to let them know how much we want/need whatever. That helps the other spouse make a loving decision.
BTW, the handjob suggestion was not aimed at men, but at women. If you can’t go all the way, can you do something? It’s not about him asking, it’s about her offering. Then he can decide if that works for him. If he mostly needs release, it’s a good thing. If he really needs cloesness and intimacy he may say “No thanks” and wait for her to be up for more.
This is a delicate balancing act for me as well. I have fallen into the trap of wording hints and requests to give her a graceful “out,” but it has only resulted in less and less physical intimacy. When I do communicate my needs/desires, then it becomes a debate over whose needs/desires are more important. I work to put her needs/desires before my own in all things, and then I end up feeling guilty for not doing so in this area as well.
The struggle is real, as is the pain.
I totally get where you’re coming from, Paul and I’m not saying that you’re wrong, but I think that there is so much more to this!
I know, those who read or listen to him get the same thing from Correy Allen. And this may work for guys who, all they really want is sex with their wife and they want her to say yes to it, with, what to me seems like little regard for whether she wants or enjoys it or not. “Better bad sex then no sex.” Personally I have a big problem with that approach!
I totally agree with the comment in your post. Sex is very important to me but not nearly important enough to ask for it point blank when I have little or no indication that my wife wants it too. It just is no fun for me then. It feels like I’m forcing myself on her and that has never been a turn on at all. I would much rather not have sex then live with that empty feeling afterward that it was all just because I made it so clear that I wanted it, that she didn’t have much say in it.
I very strongly believe in dropping hints, strong enough that she recognizes them and can choose to respond or turn it down in a way that does not ruin the evening or the next few days.
We actually call it “climbing the ladder” where we escalate the “hint exchange” to the point where we both want it so much that we can hardly wait for it.
I have a very strong aversion to men who want sex so badly that they have very little regard for the one they are trying to have it with, married or not. Maybe it comes from having been previously married to a sexual abuse victim.
@Jay – I see this as a simple matter of honesty. If you’re hard up and you don’t let your wife know, you aren’t being honest with her. And that’s wrong, IMHO.
Once the need is spoken, then the couple can decide how to deal with it. But if she’s not aware how strong his need is, then he’s making the decision without her.
As I see it, this is more about emotional intimacy and integrity than sex.
“Again?!? :(” “If you insist. :(” “Are you done, yet? :(” “I don’t like kissing. You’ll have to let me get used to it. :(”
Before the wedding, there was plenty of kissing and every indication that we would have a great sex life.
Shortly AFTER the wedding she started acting like she believed that if she could “wean” me off of sex, I wouldn’t notice. She even asked me once if, when I turned sixty, I wouldn’t want sex as much – like there’s a sex switch on the calendar.
Of course, with no kissing she never “got used” to it. And her disrespect, rejection and ridicule became so noxious to me that I told her I was going to quit asking. Sex was all up to her. So for >20 years, sex has been about once every six weeks to three months and only about once in every 3 or 4 sessions will she allow me to give her satisfaction. For the last several years there has been no intercourse, only “manual manipulation”.
Before I put her in the driver’s seat and I still thought talking and asking would make a difference to her concrete brain, I told her several times how important sex is to me both physically and mentally and spiritually. I also tried to show her with frequency. It was all met with rejection.
Now she pines for the wonderful husband she had during the first eight years of the marriage. I tell her that I thought being a wonderful husband would win her to me and she was impervious to that. So now she doesn’t like the anger I show her (nothing physical) when she does something stupid (almost daily) and I tell her that she made the husband she wanted. She rejects having had anything to do with the crummy way our marriage turned out because in her mind everything she touches only gets better.
I guess I’ll die horny, angry and lonely.
@bbh999 – Not to dismiss a very real problem, but the anger part is your choice.
The rest is as much on you as it is her. She kept doing it because you kept taking it. Standing up a long time ago might not have changed anything, but it might have.
I realise my words don’t help you, but perhaps they will help some other fellow from ending up in the same place.
I can relate to all above. I love my wife of 28 years. The past 20 years she’s been constantly tired, drops off to sleep 3 minutes ( i’ve timed it) after hitting the pillow. I subscribed to this site many years ago in an effort to see what was wrong with me. I worked on many of the suggestions here, most notably I started doing more than I usually did. (I work full time, she’s was a stay at home mom.) I made extra efforts to not do work at home, help with chores that she usually did on her own, and overall tried to give her more free time to relax and unwind. It worked well until she commented about my change to her friends who laughed and told her it was “chore-play”. Upon that revelation, the doors slammed shut again.
I’ve become too self conscious and worried about rejection to even try any more. I find myself taking care of things myself and turning to unhealthy things like erotica and porn to get my “fix”.
The need to feel wanted is paramount to what drives me. The sex, when she engages, is very straightforward, virtually no foreplay, and feels like she’s accommodating me. She doesn’t seem to engage emotionally…going through the motions. I love her, she’s an amazing woman, mom and teacher. I couldn’t leave her, but the hole in my heart is huge. The need is huge and i now understand why couples split in their 50’s after children leave. The disappointment, loneliness and rejection comes to a point where one can’t continue in the vacuum.
Once a wife feels that all her husband wants her for is sex, everything her husband does to her or for her that is nice is filtered through that filmy lens. The trail that takes her to that assumption often begins with her husband bulldozing over her sexually at the beginning of their marriage. Many new brides don’t know how to have sex in a way that feels good to her and many new husbands assume that she will enjoy sex the way he does (I call it bottle rocket sex.) After a while, she just gives up and does it for him and the resentment builds.
@Jay
“I would much rather not have sex then live with that empty feeling afterward that it was all just because I made it so clear that I wanted it, that she didn’t have much say in it.”
This comment and so many others here suggests to me that sexual refusal and gatekeeping is not being viewed as the SIN that it is. If your wives are putting you in the position that you are forced to make a choice between going sexless versus bothering her and risking rejection, they are SINNING.
And yes, wives can SIN. They have the choice to SIN. They have the choice to betray their husbands and violate the intrinsic terms of the marriage. They can be rebellious and disobey the clear instructions of the Bible.
But just because she SINS, doesn’t mean husbands have to just accept it as status quo. If your wife finds out that your are looking at porn, is it appropriate for her to complain to the elders at your church that you are in SIN? If you say yes, then why would it then not be proper for you to take this to your church elders? Notify your wife that she is sinning against you and that you are being betrayed by her rebellion. Take it to the pastors and see what they say. If they blow you off, then they are part of the sin system that lets sexually refusing wives off the hook.
You cannot make her have sex with you. But you should not grovel, beg, barter, or shame her into fulfilling her conjugal obligations. Certainly if there is a medical issue preventing her from engaging in PIV, then Paul is right. She has two hands and a mouth. If she is unwilling to provide you the minimum amount of consideration in this area, then she is a selfish sinner. You are not sinning and you are not selfish by asking her to take care of you. You are looking out for your own sexual integrity and the Bible says that sex in marriage is the most important defense mechanism you have against sexual immorality. To not escalate this issue is to give Satan a foothold in your marriage. To accept her callous disregard for your sexual needs is to let her throw you to the wolves of pornography or infidelity.
Would you prefer become a porn addict over making your wife uncomfortable? Sadly, many men would rather join their wives in sinfulness by getting into porn that standing with God.
God has given you a wife for many reasons and one of the most important reasons is to have sex with her so that you can go out into the world and withstand the onslaught of sexual temptation. If you married, then you absolutely do not have the gift of celibacy. You cannot allow yourself to become a celibate husband. This is serious business. Your masculine sex drive is a gift from God. Stop treating it like a curse and stop letting your wife blatantly disrespect you by treating it as if were a curse. Rebuke her in the name of God and submit her to the judgment of the almighty.
If she is callously rejecting you, then she will answer for it to God. At that point, get out of God’s way and let him work on her. And pray for her. She really needs it.
Mitch- „You are not sinning and you are not selfish by asking her to take care of you“
You’re totally right, yet, who wants that?! If I have to ask my wife to constantly take care of me, then I’d rather go without. That takes ALL the fun out of it! And if I have to drag her infront of the Elders because she’s allot less in the mood for sex then me, and cause her to be humiliated in front of them, what do you think that would do to our marriage or sex life? Sex was meant to bring a couple together not to demand it from each other!
Ah, yes, the carrot and the stick. You could use the stick, but then it isn’t fun for anyone. Perhaps you could use the carrot – try to combine sex with something she really likes, so that her positive feelings for the other thing transfer to sex. Ideas: massage, slow dancing, cuddling, long conversation, reading a book together. Ideally, you could make it so that whatever she likes is part of the sex, or immediately follows it. And, if it’s something that you don’t really like, maybe it will work in reverse and combining it with sex will make you like it more.
G – Not sure if you’re mocking or being serious but all those things you listed, I love them much more then she those, with or without sex.
The only thing I don’t love is to get into a challenging conversation right when we are about to start forplay, about interactions with kids earlier in the day, which totally destroys the mood in less then a minute.
No, I’m not mocking you. That’s just the way I think. I thought it was a logical, more positive alternative to “dragging her before the church elders”. I was thinking that instead of guilt, you could use psychology/ classical conditioning to help her like it more. Win/win.
Perhaps you are just a lot more touch oriented than she is. Still, it seems there
ought to be something she likes you could try, but you could guess better than I.
Sometimes, it just gets to the point where it seems like there is nothing you can really do. You go out of your way to regularly help your spouse feel loved without it leading to anything. But, after a while, if you hint, or even outright ask, it makes it seem like what you were doing was only to “get her in the mood.” If she feels that way, no matter how accurate or inaccurate her assumption may be, then she shuts down and pulls back. She may even think that any show of affection or intimacy on your part is only meant to get her to desire sex.
Reading what I just wrote, I realize just how jaded I have become with the whole process. I have quit pushing & I have quit asking directly. They only lead to arguments and guilt. I know I love my wife, and I do my best to show her.
And I live with the pain of rejection every single day.
“She may even think that any show of affection or intimacy on your part is only meant to get her to desire sex.”
God forbid our masculine pro-sex motives are ever revealed to be just that. Correct me if I’m wrong here. Do you mean to suggest that trying to motivate your wife to perform her conjugal obligations by using positive reinforcement is somehow wrong?
We as men have to get out of this anti-sex anti-masculine mentality if we ever have a chance of breaking out of this ridiculous cycle. We are not wrong to pursue sex with our wives. We are called by God to do it. Our wives should not only suspect we are trying to get them to have sex with us, we should proudly declare that we will vigorously pursue them sexually because God has commanded us to do it.
“A loving doe, a graceful deer– may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.” – Proverbs 5:19
My message to you is to follow God and don’t be afraid to let your wife know just how determined you are to have sex with her. Don’t be ashamed to follow your God-given libido when it comes to your wife. If she shuts you down because she thinks your motives are impure, then she is operating on a sex-hating God-dishonoring set of presuppositions.
I can see how refusal could lead to desperation and desperation could come across as “only wanting sex”. That is a tough situation. I never felt that way about my husband, so I’m not certain what would help. Maybe backing off for awhile and then having a heart to heart where you say, I’ll love you no matter what you do, but this really hurts me.
“Who wants that?”
I’ll take it if the alternative is nothing it all. I have to go out into the world and defend my mind and my heart from sexual temptation at every turn. I cannot adequately defend myself if my body is screaming at me with unrelieved sexual appetites.
Obviously, we would all prefer the sex to be unbelievably fulfilling and joyous. But sometimes, we have to recognize that, biblically speaking, the marriage bed must sometimes serve mostly a defensive purpose, much as we would like it and attempt to make it much more.
@Mitch “If your wives are putting you in the position that you are forced to make a choice between going sexless versus bothering her and risking rejection, they are SINNING.”
I can’t agree with that. Some men who think that is their choice are wrong. If you don’t ask, clearly, then you were not refused, and there was no sin.
Do you really think taking a wife to the elders for saying no to sex is going to help a man?
If there has not been rejection in the past then the fear of rejection belongs entirely to the spouse who fears it and there is no sin on the other’s part. What I am talking about is the justifiable fear of rejection that is caused by a historical pattern of rejection.
If you are trying to suggest that a wife is not sinning if she doesn’t refuse overtly but essentially makes herself as unavailable as possible using classic gatekeeping strategies, then I would disagree with that. A husband should never be made by his wife to fear rejection. If he fears it for other reasons, then his wife is not responsible.
@Mitch – I won’t argue such actions on her part are unloving and wrong. As such they are also sin. HOWEVER, it’s not the sin of sexual refusal. If you don’t clearly ask, you have not been refused. And this is why I think clearly asking is so important. If she’s refusing, she needs to know that is what she’s doing. Don’t give her cover.
“Do you really think taking a wife to the elders for saying no to sex is going to help a man?”
To quote a friend of yours, the Curmudgeonly Librarian:
I truly believe that one thing that would bring about change in marriages in which refusal has been established is for the refusee to impose their own regime of “refusal”: refusing to allow marital Omerta to silence him/her. To stay silent in the face of imposed sexual refusal is to be an abettor to the diminishing of your marriage. Just as ancient Jewish men and women were willing to go to the rabbis and synagogues with their problems of refusal, today’s Christian husbands and wives need to find the will to step out from behind the facade of the Happy Christian Marriage™ we all want to project and start asking for help.
@Mitch – If we’re talking part of learning to live that Scripture in our entire life, fine. If we just use it to try to get sex, that’s a problem and it’s going to end badly.
The other part of this is that going to the elders is not the first step. First, he goes to her alone and lays it out clearly. Many men have never done that. Second, he goes with one or two others. Then and only then can he go to the church.
The other side of this is he had better be ready for her to do the same with him, and he better be ready to address his own sins.
I read all this and my head is spinning.
Mitch- yes, in EXTREME cases some men should go to the elders about the refusal issues but I bet 99% of men have never experienced those extreme cases and those that have (if they have a half descent heart) would never do it out of love for her.
WE ARE ALSO CALLED TO LIVE WITH UNDERSTANDING WITH OUR WIFE!!!
Believe me, I have been married to a refuser, and yes Paul, I asked very clearly for sex. But I never went to the Elders or Pastor. Why? Because she was severely sexually abused by her father! I tried to live with understanding for how she was trying to function in our marriage with the trauma she had endured for many years. When she affairs repeatedly, that’s when I went to my pastor and acted on his advice to end the marriage.
Most women who “refuse” sex occasionally or often, have a good reason to. I’m not saying it’s right.
But even my now wife, who has not had sexual trauma, has on occasion said: “Not tonight”. But what happens much more frequently is that her mind is just not tuned towards sex. She just was way to busy with a million other demands in her life to ever have thought of sex. And when I then get the impression that she’s not up for it and would rather not, that Paul, feels like real rejection! Whether I blatantly asked for it or not! And she very well knows that she it. And I have done it too! After going without sex for a week or two because it’s just not on her radar, I become a very disconnected, discouraged and low desire husband, who would rather be left alone because of the feeling of rejection.
@Jay – I’m right there with you. Understanding why she says no seems a no-brainer. If you can help with or change that, then you both win.
@Jay
“Most women who “refuse” sex occasionally or often, have a good reason to. I’m not saying it’s right.”
It may have a reason but it cannot be a “good reason” if it is not right. A “good reason” for sexual refusal is a reason that is morally justifiable.
“WE ARE ALSO CALLED TO LIVE WITH UNDERSTANDING WITH OUR WIFE!!!”
From 1 Peter 3, of course. And all I am proposing is that your elders may need to assist you with this task by reminding both of you of your marital obligations, both in and out of the marriage bed. I have no illusions that marital problems once submitted to the elders will result in a one-sided beat down on your wife. Your actions and attitudes will necessarily come under scrutiny as well and you should prepare yourself for that.
Our church recently introduced the Conquer Series and the Seven Pillars study from Pure Desire ministries. It deals with men who are addicted to porn. So we have an on-going ministry in place that addresses the sexual transgressions of men. There is no ministry of any kind that addresses the sexual transgressions of women so a direct appeal to the elders is the only recourse. That is why I suggest it.
Mitch- I agree that there is great emphasis on helping men to get free from porn and it is a good thing. It is desperately needed!
And so is good teaching on sexuality in marriage for both men an women. And many people (like Paul here) are involved in that. These are all good things!
But what good does all this do if we go around beating people over the head with the “Sin stick”? Wheather it is about porn or sexual refusal or a million other things. Do you have any idea how many things you do everyday that are SIN!? And you do them over and over, all of us! Some of these we don’t even know we are doing. Not being sensitive to our wives and not living with them with understanding, is just as much of a sin then sexual refusal or porn or adultery. Different consequences, but a sin nonetheless according to Jame 4, 17.
“If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.”
That just opens a whole new can of sin. (Sin of omission) Do we wanna start hauling people to the elders for that?
Look, I’m not condoning sexual refusal in any way. It has caused me unspeakable pain in my life. And still does from time to time. But demanding “conjugal duties”, as you call them, and threatening or telling men to take the wife to the elder board isn’t going to do any good to anyone. Neither is beating men over the head with the “sin stick” for looking at porn. That never kept a man away from it or got him out of its snares.
@Jay – I agree with you the sin stick rarely (never?) brings change. A lot of folks will keep sinning even if you convince them it’s wrong. That’s true with refusal, porn, gossip, and so many other things.
I tend to think the sin stick is not an attempt to bring change, but rather to shame and hurt the one who is sinning. It’s vengeance, it’s revenge, and it has no place in a loving marriage.
@Mitch – So if a woman’s husband refuses to engage in much foreplay and thinks sex is over when he comes, then what? She knows she will get worked up and be left that way. Is that a good reason to say no to sex? Are we saying his sexual desires must be met and her’s are irrelevant?
Or what about the guy who is only nice to his wife when he wants sex? Is that a good reason to stop wanting and having sex?
It’s easy to say refusal is sin, but when we start looking at real lives it’s not nearly as simple.
Actually, it is not that easy to say that refusal is sin. I think Jay and some of the others are are twisted up in knots trying to figure out what they did wrong to make their wives not want to have sex with them.
If it were easy to call it a sin, we would not be seeing the excuses being made for it. We would not be seeing the horrified reaction at taking it to elders if it were easy. We would not be trying to deflect the issue to whatever the husband may be doing to “cause” the refusal.
It’s a simple test really. How much tolerance is there for the idea that a wife’s refusal “causes” or even contributes to her husband’s porn problem? At my church and at the various anti-porn ministries the answer is: ZERO TOLERANCE. Don’t you even dare try to blame your wife, buddy.
And who am I to suggest otherwise? If a husband is sinning, he needs to own it. Does that sound simple? Maybe. But true. But when it comes to the issue of refusal then all of a sudden, the complexities come out. All of sudden the deflections and the whataboutism comes out. The sin is mitigated by some deep emotional issue or the husband left his socks on the floor or somehow it’s just really too complicated to assign blame and it does seem rather unchivalrous for a husband to get all judgmental about it considering he probably has been sinning, too.
I guess some sins are complicated and others are simple. Some sins require long-term therapy and sacrificial forbearance while other sins can be managed using polygraph tests, accountability groups, and self-inflicted painful reminders with a rubber band (https://www.charismanews.com/opinion/69215-principles-for-keeping-jezebel-from-stealing-your-spiritual-authority).
@Mitch – “How much tolerance is there for the idea that a wife’s refusal “causes” or even contributes to her husband’s porn problem? ”
Jesus indicates we can put people in a place of being tempted and can cause others to stumble. He also says doing that is very bad for the one who does it. Of course, none of that relieves the one who sins from their choice. But yeah, it’s not something we talk about.
Part of the problem is men who have been using porn non-stop since puberty blaming their porn use on their wife. That’s totally bogus!
The bottom line is we have two different sins. He refusing him puts him in a place of greater temptation, and that’s wrong even if he avoids sin. Likewise, his using porn is sin even if she is putting him in a place of greater temptation. I would identify both sins, and tell both people to work on their sin.
Any comments I make on your link will just get me in trouble, so I will limit myself to “I Have a number of problems with that article”.
Instead of the rubber band, I think a better way is this:
My wife never took hints too well, occasionally she would pickup on it that I want sex, but mostly not. We do the more direct approach and I just ask for it. She either says yes or no. If she says no, she might give me a HJ, if she doesn’t do that, I am free to take care of myself.