Friday Flashback: Let Her Handle It

Let me start with a disclaimer – I think intercourse is great and I think God intended married folks to do that often. I also think it’s a problem when any other sex act starts to get in the way of regular intercourse. 

That said, today’s topic is the lowly handjob. I say lowly because for most guys it’s at the bottom of the list when it comes to sex with their wife. I want to argue that for guys who aren’t getting their needs met, handjobs are the next best thing and a very realistic alternative. It can also be a short-term fix while she, or the two of you, deal with issues that keep you from having the sex you really want.

A few thoughts:

• Intercourse is costly for most women. It takes more physical energy than you would think “just lying there” would. If she wears anything to bed (that’s another post) she has to undress, then redress. She has the mess to deal with, and for many women intercourse should mean a trip to the bathroom afterwards.
• Beyond the physical, for many women intercourse is deeply costly emotionally and/or mentally. No, it shouldn’t be, but it is. Pretending it isn’t won’t change it, and ignoring that fact just makes you seem insensitive.
• For many guys, oral sex is the second choice (and for a few it’s the first choice, but that’s also another post). For some women oral is easier than intercourse, for many (most?) it’s even more difficult mentally and/or emotionally. Again, if this is her reality, saying it shouldn’t be her reality isn’t helpful and, frankly, it’s rude.
• For most women, manual sex on hubby is the easiest possibility. Many who resist doing it are just unsure of how to do it, and that’s easily fixed with some instruction or a demonstration (show her how).
• It’s release and that’s a good thing.
• It involves her and that’s also a good thing.
• It will arouse her. She may not be aware of it, but the sight and action will arouse her body and to some degree her mind. That too is a good thing! (Just don’t expect her to rip off her clothes and jump in during a handjob, the effect is more subtle than that.)
• A handjob need not be boring or second rate. If she’s willing to put a bit of effort into it, she can learn to make it very, very good for you.
• If she does this for you, she will be less concerned that you’re going to get into porn or be tempted to cheat. You also give her a chance to feel better (or less bad) about sex, as she is doing something for you.
• If you have a problem with sexual temptation, having her give you something, anything, is a help.

Q. When should her doing some handjobs be an option?
A. I’d say it’s a good choice any time she is unable or unwilling to have intercourse as regularly as you would like.

Q. Is there a downside?
A. She might take this as an out and not deal with her sexual issues. I think you can deal with that in most cases by being clear that it’s great she will do this for you, but it’s not your first choice, and you look forward to more mutual sex in the future.

Q. How do I suggest this?
A. It will vary from couple to couple. If she’s done it in the past, you might suggest it when she had declined to have intercourse. If this would be something new, suggest it at a non-sexual time, or bring it up after sex. Whenever you bring it up, I would suggest you show it as a win/win; less cost to her, some help to you. Letting her know you realise sex is sometimes difficult for her is a good thing, and it should make her more aware of your needs.

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