TooBusy - The Generous Husband

Silent Crisis: Busyness is Creating Sexless Marriages

by The Generous Husband | Dec 28, 2024 | Margin, Seeing Clearly, Sexuality

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I’ve been aware of a growing trend of sexless marriages in Asian countries for several decades. In the early nineties, a Japanese psychiatrist introduced the term “sexless couple”. He defined that as a couple with no circumstances preventing sex who go without sex by mutual agreement. Today, it’s estimated 45% of Japanese couples are sexless. In South Korea, 35% of married couples are sexless. And in both countries, half again as many are in low sex marriages.

Of course, there’s plenty of masturbation going on, as well as a good deal of sex with prostitutes. One researcher said having sex with your partner requires a lot of energy. Paid sex is easier and less costly in terms of time and energy. Masturbation is easier still. It’s been suggested Japanese and South Korean couples are so sexless because they are too exhausted for married sex.

And we in the US are going the same way. The best study I could find puts sexless here at 15% of marriages. Many think that’s an undercount, and when you include low sex marriages, the number easily passes a third of couples.

And again, lack of time and energy is the biggest factor. There are a lot of couples out there where both husband and wife are masturbating. They want sex, but they don’t have what it takes to do that with their spouse. Solo sex comes down to being practical.

A lot of guys who say they want more sex don’t have the time and energy to engage in the kind of sex that would be good for their wife. Their complaint is hollow because they’re unwilling to do what it would take to make more sex mutually enjoyable.

Busyness is a national epidemic. It’s hurting our physical and mental health. It’s hurting our children. Furthermore, it’s killing our marriages and our sex lives. How this will progress has already been shown by Japan and South Korea.

I’ve made this about sex to get your attention. But there are a lot of good reasons beyond sex to rethink how busy we are. Please take some time to pray about this issue. Then do what you think is right with God in 2025.

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Last-Minute Christmas Love: Serving Your Wife

by The Generous Husband | Dec 23, 2024 | Do It For Her

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Okay, guys, Christmas is less than 48 hours away. So here’s my husband game plan:

Be insanely helpful
Be wildly compassionate and full of grace.
Rub her shoulders, get her drinks, and pamper her in any way you can.
Don’t expect, ask for, or hint about sex. If she offers, accept and tell her how amazing she is.

This is your chance to just be a blessing, regardless of what she has gotten herself into. BTW, this is also a loving choice even if your wife has not bitten off too much.

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Time Envelopes: A Practical Approach to Work-Life Balance

by The Generous Husband | Sep 3, 2024 | Her Needs, Margin, Your Needs

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I see a good deal about having a healthy work-life balance. Getting that right is necessary for your sanity, for your physical and mental health, and for your marriage.

One of the side effects of my doing a real sabbath rest every week has been creating a better work-life balance without trying.

I have developed a habit of making certain non-work things in my life must do. They have a minimum amount of time I will spend on them. Most of these will get more time if it’s available, but they won’t get less time unless something extraordinary happens.

It’s a lot like Dave Ramsey’s envelope system. Time put in the “be with family envelope” doesn’t get used for anything else. Likewise, for time assigned to relaxing or spending time with my wife.

The difficult part is not feeling guilty about breaking from an important task to play with my grandkids or follow my wife into the bedroom. When something is overdue, it can be a challenge to switch to something else. Sabbath has taught me how to do that because sabbath is a hard stop no matter what. Spending time for non-work things has become the same way.

This could mean I don’t accomplish things that need to get done. I avoid that by having enough margin to do what’s critical, not putting too much on my plate, and regularly reassessing my time use. I’ve also learned to set realistic goals, and to modify goals if it becomes apparent I miscalculated.

If you want to do this, I suggest you start with a couple of time envelopes. Make one something you really enjoy doing, and the other time with your wife. Assign those things a minimum amount of time each week, and make that happen unless some catastrophe occurs.

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FF: Budgeting Your Most Valuable Asset: Time

by The Generous Husband | Feb 16, 2024 | Audio, Change, DoLessin2024, Her Needs, Margin, Seeing Clearly, Your Needs

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You can’t “spend” the same time twice; when you use it for something, you can’t do anything else with it. This is obvious, but we live in a culture that seems to be in denial about this simple fact. If we listed all the things we want to get done in a week, and how long it would take to do all those things, many would find the total greatly exceeds the number of waking hours in a week. Some try to fix this by sleeping less, which is harmful in a great many ways.

I used to run too busy most of the time. I had good reasons for this: ran my own business, raising a family, things to do at church, ministry on the side, and on and on. Gradually, I realised what I was doing wasn’t sane, and certainly wasn’t the best thing for the people I love most. I began to budget my time, much as one budgets money. Amounts of time are locked in for one thing. My sleep time is one of these; I get enough sleep to be healthy and functional, and exceptions to this are rare and for very good reasons. My time with my wife is another block I guard closely and only rarely violate. Certain meetings and activities are also protected; some of these are work or ministry related, but some are recreational.

I’m still busy, but my busyness is during parts of the day devoted to that. I sometimes work like crazy till the end of my “work day”, then I stop and kick back. Initially it was difficult to do this; I wanted to keep going, to finish something, to reach a certain point. And this is especially tempting since I work from home! However, doing that meant not doing other things, things I believe are important. This has become easier with time, and I see the benefits of living this way. I’m more relaxed, I feel better, and when I am working hard, I’m more productive.

There are times when I break my rules, but only with thought and discussion with my wife. I just finished a major project for the day job. There were deadlines, and then I had unforeseen problems. I was forced to take time from a couple of places, including part of what I normally give Lori. However, I was very aware I was doing this, and I was motivated to get past the need to do it. If I found I had to do this kind of thing regularly, I would know something was wrong, and it would be time to re-examine my time budget.

Try a time budget. Make blocks of time, and do only what you have scheduled for each block. No matter what is left to be done, when time it up, move on. Be sure to include time for sleep, for relaxation, and time with your wife.

[This post first appeared July 31, 2012.]

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Busyness is a Choice: Evaluating Our Priorities Against Christ’s

by The Generous Husband | Jan 25, 2024 | Audio, DoLessin2024, ZIMAGE

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There was an interesting comment on my post entitled If Your Wife is Too Busy, Expect Less from Her. The point is summarised in one sentence:

Being busy has very little to do with how much there is to do every day. It has everything to do with what is important to us.

Being busy is a choice, and unless we fight it, it’s a choice our society makes for us. And honestly, I find it to be an unbiblical choice!

Was Jesus busy? The knee-jerk reaction is to say yes, but think about how many times He went off alone to pray. Think about when He was told folks were looking for Him, and He didn’t rush to them.

Jesus had a lot of time when He was with just His closest disciples. This was intentional, and important. That extended time with them made them into the men who would change the world by spreading the word. And their testimony was believable because they knew Jesus so well.

What matters in this world is people. Our relationships are where we touch people for God. It’s where we make a difference. If we’re too busy to spend time with those who God puts in our lives, then we’re too busy. I’d go so far as to say we are sinfully busy. Busyness is an idol today, and many who follow Jesus are worshipping at it.

Sure, we all have busy seasons, and often that can’t be avoided. But a season and a lifestyle are not the same thing.

Bottom Line: To a great extent, how busy you are is your choice. How do you think God would have you choose?

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If Your Wife is Too Busy, Expect Less from Her

by The Generous Husband | Jan 9, 2024 | Audio, DoLessin2024, Her Needs, Marriage Killer, Your Needs, ZIMAGE

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If your wife is too busy, your only loving choice is to expect less from her.

Of course, you should get more and better than others, but too busy is going to impact every area of her life, including her marriage. And her sex life. Expecting from her what would be reasonable if she were doing half as much is unkind and selfish.

If you’re not happy with what you should expect given how busy she is, then it’s time to find ways to help her be less busy. That could look like you doing some of what she is doing. And while that is appropriate, unless you have a lot of time on your hands, it’s not a long term solution. For most of you, the only real fix is both you and your wife having less busy lives.

If your lives are too full, many things will get short-changed. And right or wrong, your marriage and sex will be on that list.

99.9%! As I was making sure I had thanked everyone who donated, I found some I had not thanked, and had not added to the total. With all of that fixed, we are $10.00 short of our goal. So I’m going to call that a success, and say a huge thank you to all of you.

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Don’t Let Church Make You Too Busy

by The Generous Husband | Oct 23, 2023 | Audio, Faith walk, Friday Flashback, Margin, Marriage Killer, Series, ZIMAGE

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As someone said in the comments a few days ago, another source of business is church. This comes in three flavours or a mix of them:

Feeling you have to be at church every time the doors are open. I have a friend who says Jesus did not come that we might “Have meetings and those more abundantly.” I’m all for worship, prayer, fellowship, discipleship, Bible study, small groups, and so on and so forth, but too many programs and meetings is too many no matter how worthy each one may be. When frequent church meetings hurt your family or your marriage, you are NOT in line with God’s Word. Please don’t let anyone guilt you into attending things to which you should say no. You, not those guilting you, will answer to God for how you use your time.
Doing too much ministry. I love to minister, especially when I see God use it to change lives, and honestly it can be addictive. Some minster “too much” out of fear, guilt, pride, or because they are manipulated into it. I’ve known youth minsters who didn’t have time for their own children, and marriage minsters whose marriages were in deep trouble. God is clear we’re neither qualified nor allowed to minister if we lack good relationships with our spouse and children. I’m not saying you have to be perfect to minster, but if there are significant problems, you need to scale back or stop ministry until things get better.
It’s your job. Those of us paid to minster can misjudge the proper priority for ministry because it is both ministry and employment. If you have those two things as, say, fourth and fifth place on your priority list, do not think the two being the same elevates it to third place? It’s still fourth and fifth.

We should minister because we love God, not to prove we love Him. Our relationship with God and our ministry are related, but they’re not the same thing. The fact that God is first does not mean ministry trumps all other activities and responsibilities.

Leaders: PLEASE do not allow your people to do too much church or ministry. I’m not just saying don’t overwork them, I am saying don’t allow them to do too much. We have a responsibly to God for those He places in our care, and if we allow them to do too much, we will answer for it.

Church members: Don’t be guilty of trying to push your pastor and other leaders to do more than they should. Most church members have no idea what a pastor’s life is like, and how much pressure they face. A few stats (from the New York Times – August 1, 2010):

33% of pastors say being in ministry is a hazard to their families.
40% of pastors, and 47% of pastor’s spouses, are suffering from burnout or being excessively busy.
More than half say they would leave the pastorate if they had a good job offer elsewhere.
80% of pastors say they do not have enough time with their spouse.
90% work more than 50 hours a week.

The vast majority of pastors are overworked, underpaid, stressed, and grossly under-appreciated. You can make a difference for your pastor, and your pastor’s family. Fight for your pastor to have enough pay, enough help, and enough off time to have a healthy family life.

[This post first appeared July 1, 2012.]

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Being Too Busy is Robbing Your Wife of Good Sex

by The Generous Husband | Oct 21, 2023 | Audio, Friday Flashback, Her Needs, Margin, Series, Sexuality, ZIMAGE

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The posts on busyness came about because of the number of women who indicated they said no to sex because they were too tired, which is mostly about being too busy. Today, I want to differentiate between being too busy for sex, and being too busy for good sex.

For men, there may not be an issue here; as long as we can make a few minutes for sex, we can have good sex. This is not the case for the vast majority of women. For a woman to really enjoy sex, she needs time to slow down, set things aside, and get her head into a sexual place. Women also require a relationship connection for sex to be desired and enjoyed, and such a connection takes a good bit of non-sexual time with her man. She can coast for a while on the past, but if you don’t share time with her for too long, it will start to affect her sexually.

Additionally, women are not “turned on” as fast as men, and being tired or stressed makes it even worse. Tiredness and stress also get in the way of having an orgasm, making it difficult, more effort than it’s worth, or just plain impossible.

I have said this before, and I will keep saying it: busyness is a sure way to ruin your sex life. In order to keep wanting and enjoying sex, your wife must have time with you, and she must have enough sleep and time to relax. This is not an issue of her holding sex hostage till she gets what she wants; being tired and busy affects her sexuality in ways she can’t control. If she’s too busy and sex is really important to you, you must work to make changes. If you don’t work for those changes, either you don’t get it, or sex isn’t as important to you as what fills your time.

[This post first appeared June 30, 2012.]

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