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Friday Flashback: Understanding and Valuing Feelings in Marriage

by The Generous Husband | Jun 9, 2023 | Friday Flashback, Good Marriage, Intimacy, Reader Requested/Inspired, Seeing Clearly

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In a comment, one of you asked for “some encouragement on emotional intimacy.” As in feeling something without using your hands. You know, that emotional junk women want all the time. Okay, just kidding – it’s an important issue. Let’s start with some groundwork on feelings.

Many men were raised to think emotions were wrong, or silly, and certainly not to be trusted. Some of us are afraid of our feelings, or afraid of what others will think if we’re “too emotional”. We think feelings are unmanly, and we must beat them down and keep them in their place. Most of us are wary of feelings – we don’t trust them much.

Certainly, those ruled by their feelings are in a bad place. Feelings can be completely out of sync with reality. The fact someone does not “feel” loved doesn’t mean they are not loved. Likewise with feeling or not feeling respected, desired, needed, and so on. However, this doesn’t mean feelings are useless, something to ignore. Our feelings affect our bodies and minds, even when we try to ignore them. Feelings can impact heath for both good and bad, and ignoring feelings won’t make them any less harmful. Additionally, our feelings will colour our thinking, even if we try to suppress them. In short, feelings will have an effect no matter what, so it’s better to admit they exist and deal with them than to be a slave to what they do to us subconsciously.

The goal, I think, is our minds making rational decisions based on all the information available – which includes our feelings. We need to realise that while feelings are not always rational, they sometimes warn us of things we don’t perceive with our conscious mind. Sometimes a feeling is the first, or only, warning we get about something. It can be our subconscious mind making connections out of bits of seemingly unconnected data. As this can be a bit hit or miss, it’s foolish to go just on feelings – but just as foolish to ignore feelings.

By the way, women as a group are more feeling driven than men. This means they are likely to see things we miss, and also more likely to be dragged off by their feelings. A wise man learns to listen to his wife’s feelings, not dismissing them lightly. This is especially true when she has “a bad feeling” about someone. Science has shown women as a whole are better than men at picking up clues about a person’s character and intentions. She’s not always right, but odds are she is right more often than you are in this area. Unless your experience with your wife has shown this is not the case, I suggest you do not ignore her when she has a bad feeling about someone or something.

[This post first appeared May 4, 2012.]

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Sometimes Your Wife Isn’t The Right Person

by The Generous Husband | Jan 5, 2023 | Audio, Communication, Do It For Her, Understanding Her, ZIMAGE

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The other day I spent a good deal of time talking with a friend who needed to vent about a situation at work. Not just vent, he needed to talk through it too. But he had to vent a bit to get there. He later thanked me for the time. He knows his wife doesn’t want to deal with that kind of thing because it bums her out, so he didn’t take it to her.

I’m big on talking with your wife, but there may be things she can’t deal with because of her past or her personality. Pushing those things on her can hurt her and that can hurt your marriage. When the issue is something she needs to know or deal with, then you share it with as much love and grace as you can. But when it’s not something she needs to know and you really need to talk about it, find someone else.

If you want to be open about it, then you could say “I talked with Bill about that thing at work. I feel much better and I have a plan.” Your wife can then ask for information if she wants or just say she’s glad Bill was able to help you. This way she is in the loop as much as she wants to be, but isn’t going to get hurt by it.

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Friday Flashback: God, Drugs, and Depression

by The Generous Husband | Jun 24, 2022 | Aff Link, Friday Flashback, Marriage Killer, Seeing Clearly, ZIMAGE

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I strongly encourage you to read At Depression’s End, a great post on depression from a husband walking with a wife who has struggled with it. Aside from being well done and full of great advice, this post shows that anti-depressants can be a temporary tool used to learn to deal with depression. While some people may need long-term or lifelong medication, many do not.

I bring this up because depression is too often treated as a lack of faith by well-meaning Christians who don’t have an understanding of the issue. It seems that we think things of the mind are easily controlled; we just have to choose to change or have enough faith. Most people who think this would never tell a person with cancer they will be fine if they just have faith and would not chastise someone for using chemo-therapy to beat their cancer.

Depression is not “all in the mind.” Depression is a chemical state that results from certain brain chemicals being out of balance. It is no more or less “in your head” than feeling hungry or horny – all of these things are a result of chemicals in our bodies changing both our bodies and our minds. Ignoring depression is not an option and no one can “just snap out of it.” You could be made depressed by administering certain drugs and nothing you thought or did would change how those drugs made you feel. When the chemicals originating from the body cause depression, rather than chemicals from outside, it’s just as real and just as impossible to beat by force of will.

Anti-depressants are a mixed blessing, but in some cases, they can literally save lives. Anti-depressants tend to flatten out both the highs and the lows, but when life is all or almost all lows, it’s not like there are highs to lose. Anti-depressants can also mess with sex drive and sexual function, but then so does being depressed, so some folks actually have better sex on meds than without them. Additionally, it is often possible to modify the dose or drug(s) to reduce or eliminate sexual side effects.

Sometimes drugs can help break the cycle of depression so the person can learn to cope without the drugs. Be aware you may have to push to try this approach. I had a friend who became depressed when a job injury left him unable to do much more than basic self-care for almost a year. Surgery eventually fixed the issue and he was able to return to work and a normal life, but the depression didn’t go away. After six months on anti-depressants, he told his doctor he want to be weaned off them. The doctor resisted the idea. My friend basically said, “I’m doing it with or without your help”. The doctor helped him and two decades later he has never needed anti-depressants again. This is not possible for everyone, but it’s possible for some.

If you, your wife, or a family member is dealing with depression, please don’t see it as a failing or a lack of faith. Please don’t think it will go away if you ignore it and don’t think that shame or silence will help. Be proactive about getting good help so you and your loved one can have a better life.

In the interest of full disclosure:

I’m not a doctor, and I am not giving medical advice here.
I’ve never suffered from depression, nor has any close family member suffered any significant depression other than post-partum depression.
I have had a number of friends who have dealt with depression and I have seen several overcome depression with the help of a season of anti-depressants.
Yes, I believe God can heal both the body and the mind. I’ve seen some of both. I also know that He doesn’t do this nearly as often as I would like and I don’t have a good explanation for that. I’m sure it will all make sense in eternity.

And finally, if your wife struggles with depression and anyone questions her faith, lovingly tell them to shut up!

[This post first appeared Nov 06, 2011.]

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Friday Flashback: Mere Marriage

by The Generous Husband | Jan 8, 2021 | Friday Flashback, Links to good stuff, Marriage Killer, Mentor/Brother, Seeing Clearly, ZIMAGE

The men’s group I attend is studying CS Lewis’ Mere Christianity. I had a revelation while reading what Lewis said about belief and morality. Putting it in my words, if you believed that witches exist and were as was believed in the dark ages, wouldn’t you feel a moral responsibility to tell authorities if you felt a neighbour was a witch? Think about it – a witch was understood to have powers received in exchange for selling their soul to the devil. They could curse people with sickness, even to the point of death. They could control animals, prevent crops from growing, make people infertile, kill babies in the womb, seduce a man against his will, and much more. Makes modern terrorist pale by comparison, doesn’t it? If killing a witch were the only way to protect society, then would any sane, moral, person be opposed to executing witches? The difference between the people of the dark ages and us today is not one of morality, but of how their beliefs interacted with a morality very similar to ours.

So let’s apply that to marriage. If you and I have very different beliefs about what a husband is supposed to be and do, those beliefs will result in our acting very differently towards our wives even if we share a common morality. Maybe this is why we see men we respect and generally agree with treating their wives in ways that seem wrong to us. I’m not saying the way they act is acceptable, but it’s possible what they are doing seems right to them because of their wrong beliefs.

If you want to help a couple that has problems, don’t jump to the assumption there is a moral issue. If one or both of them are acting on wrong ideas, that could be the issue. Since accusing someone of being immoral is rather offensive, don’t go there unless you are really sure you’re right.

How does the affect you? Have you considered the possibility that you have a wrong belief or two about marriage or what it means to be a good husband? If your beliefs are wrong, your actions cannot be right. Find errors in what you believe and your actions will change in a way that benefits your bride, and your marriage.

[This post first appeared April 28, 2011.]

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey Carlisle | Not on my watch ◄ We work to please God!

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The Liar: “Things Would Be Different If…”

by The Generous Husband | Nov 1, 2019 | TheLiar, ThePast, ZIMAGE

“If only…” can destroy your marriage.

If only I had said ____. If only my wife would ____. If only we had _____. If only she was more ____. If only she was less ____.

It’s easy to say “Things would be different if…” and actually believe it. But in truth, that’s a lie meant to help us deal with our choices or an attempt to blame shift. In reality, all those “if only” thoughts just steal our focus from doing what could bring about change. Going over the ifs causes us to look at the past when we need to be looking at the future. We satisfy ourselves with a fantasy about what might have been rather than working to build what can be.

“If only” is both a lie and a trap. Let the past go and focus on what comes next.

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How We See Ourselves Is A Big Deal

by The Generous Husband | May 8, 2018 | Marriage Killer, Your Needs, ZIMAGE

In yesterday’s XY Code post I discussed a 200-mile bike trip to the beach I didn’t get to do when I was 17. I finished that post by saying “not making that trip is one of the biggest regrets of my adolescence.”

Most of that regret comes from how accomplishing it would have changed my self-image. A trip like that would have felt like a rite-of-passage into manhood. It would have affected my self-image and confidence in positive ways.

As Proverbs 23:7a says “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.” [NKJV] Our self-image is huge; it affects how we think as well as what we think we can and can’t do. That means it affects what we attempt and what we don’t even try to do. Many of our failures come from how we perceive ourselves, and no small part of how others see us comes from how we see ourselves.

What failures have hurt how you see yourself? What successes have improved your self-image? Even more important, what do you need to accomplish to push your image of yourself in the right direction?

The wrong way of doing this is the classic mid-life crisis. A red sports car and a woman barely older than your daughter might make you feel better about yourself for a while, but it won’t result in the kind of self-image changes you need. If you feel the pull of wrong ways of dealing with this, start thinking about good ways to do it. Find ways to challenge yourself and grow that don’t harm your marriage.

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Friday Flashback: Risk vs Loss

by The Generous Husband | Jul 28, 2017 | Friday Flashback, Good Marriage, Seeing Clearly

This article discusses the fact that how something is framed changes how people react. One statement jumped out at me:

“People are willing to gamble [risk] — but usually only when the gamble [risk] can avoid losses.”

This is so true! We’re far more likely to take a risk to not lose something than we are to gain something. If an action is seen as risking to avoid losing, we react differently than if it’s seen as risking to gain something. This means, for instance, that we’re willing to risk more to not lose $300 we have than we will risk to gain $300 we don’t have.

What does this have to do with marriage? We will risk more when we think we’re in danger of losing something in our relationship than when we stand to gain something. This makes the status quo a big deal – we will risk to maintain the status quo, but we’re less likely to risk to improve our situation.

Think how odd this is – if we have something we enjoy in our marriage, we will risk to keep it; but if we don’t have that thing, we’re unlikely to risk as much to gain it. Why? The results of the two are the same. Our aversion to loss results in choices that aren’t logical when we examine them. This can keep us from a better marriage if we refuse to risk what we have, no matter how poor it is or how far it might be from what we want.

I suspect we react the same way to the amount of effort needed to gain versus not lose something. So, for example, a man who feels respected by his wife is probably willing to do more to maintain that than he would be willing to do to gain her respect if he didn’t feel he had it. Likewise, a man with a sex life he likes is going to do more to keep that than he would do to gain it if he didn’t have it.

Perhaps the way to look at things we don’t have is to think about what we would be willing to do to keep those things if we had it. Shouldn’t we be willing to do the same thing to gain something we would do to keep it?

[This post first appeared March 18, 2010.]

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Every Newlywed Couple Should Live In An RV!

by The Generous Husband | Mar 9, 2017 | Change, Good Marriage, Her Needs, LESSisMORE, Your Needs, ZIMAGE

I think every newlywed couple should spend their first year of marriage living in an RV!

Not so they could travel and see new things together, although that would be great. Living in an RV means learning how to share a small space together. It means virtually no privacy and nowhere to hide when you have a fight. It’s difficult to keep secrets or hide things in an RV, and it’s difficult to pretend things are okay when they’re not.

Beyond this, the daily and regular maintenance in an RV is less and more hands-on than in a house or apartment. This would push the couple to discuss who does what jobs and why. Then there’s the lack of space – everything you want to add has to really matter and often it means moving or getting rid of something else. Learning to make do with less and make good decisions about what a couple acquires would be awesome!

Unless you have a child about to get married, it may seem this post isn’t relevant to you. So try this – how might your marriage have started off differently had you spent the first years in an RV? What poor habits might you have avoided? What good habits might you have learned? If you think some of those difference would be good for your marriage, how might you work towards them now?

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