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The Two-Parent Advantage: Why Does the US Lead in Single-Parent Homes, and What Can We Do?

by The Generous Husband | Jan 23, 2024 | Audio, None of the Above, XY link, ZIMAGE

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This post is mostly a repeat of what I said to the ladies yesterday over on The XY Code. I think it’s an important issue, and I want as much exposure as possible. There is a post script at the bottom for husbands.

A new book that talks about kids and parents is getting a lot of press. Some love it. Some hate it. The book is The Two-Parent Privilege: How Americans Stopped Getting Married and Started Falling Behind, and the title should tell you why some folks hate it. We’ve been told that kids do fine as long as they have a loving parent. We’ve been told two parents isn’t really better, and that those who claim a child needs a father are old-fashioned or misogynistic.

Author Melissa Kearney offends even more people by saying children of a married couple are even better off than those raised by a couple who are not married. What makes her book really offensive is that she supports her claims with data. She shows that children from single mother homes are less likely to graduate from high school, get a college degree, or have high earnings as adults. What’s more, children of a single mother are five times as likely to live in poverty.

As for marriage, Kearney says, “If you just look in the data, marriage is what delivers kids a stable, long-term, two-parent household in this country.”

What I really want to focus on is that the US has the highest rate of children living in a single-parent household IN THE WORLD! Various sources say 27% of our kids live with a single parent, and no other adult! And 80% of these are with their mother.

Why do we lead the world in this? Why are we having this problem? In a country where almost two-thirds of the population claims to be Christian, we can’t blame this on the world. European countries with lower percentages of Christians have fewer children in single-parent homes. What are we doing wrong, and how do we fix it? How does the Church address this?

I don’t have answers, this is primarily about raising awareness. We need to do what we can to help couples in trouble. We also need to speak up when we see bad marriages in the making before the couple says “I do”. Don’t sit by and watch someone you care about make a mistake that will hurt them and any children they have. I’d also encourage you to be a squeaky wheel about this in your church. Caring for marriages needs to be a major push in every church in the country.

Now for husbands. This information means “staying for the kids” is both valid and important. I know men who stayed in a dead, miserable marriage for their children, and I have a great deal of respect for them. They will never get the acclaim they deserve, but then that’s not why they did it. I know some of you will face this choice, and I encourage you to understand how what you choose will affect your children for the rest of their lives.

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Military & Law Enforcement – Don’t Let Your Training Ruin Your Marriage

by The Generous Husband | Nov 7, 2023 | Audio, Big Deal Post, Do It For Her, Marriage Killer, Must Read Marriage Book, ZIMAGE

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Our marriage group has been reading The Warrior Poet Way: A Guide to Living Free and Dying Well. Overall, I like the book. Some will call it hypermasculinity, but there’s good balance.

Author John Lovell is a man’s man. He’s a former Army Ranger, and he teaches gun use for a living. That’s everything from concealed carry to mat to muzzle defensive tactics and one man room clearing. He’s also a husband and father, and an unapologetic Christian.

I find John’s marriage advice sound. I was especially taken by his comments about how military men tend to blow it with their wife and kids. I’ve seen the same from men in law enforcement, and Lori and I have heard about it from ex-wives and people who say they survived being raised by such a man.

Military and law enforcement training doesn’t produce a good husband or father. Wives and children don’t need a solider or policeman, they need a loving man who can leave work at work.

If you’re current or former military or law enforcement, I strongly suggest you read this book. Honestly ask yourself if you’re making the mistakes John warns about. If you see yourself, make changes or get help. It will improve your marriage, and it might save you from a divorce. It will make your children’s lives better, and they will be more likely to want a relationship with you as adults.

I’d also suggest this as a gift for any man who wears a uniform. Its take life by the horns approach and John’s sense of humour make it an easy sell. BTW, the author reads the Audible version himself, which gives you the emphasis he intended when he wrote it.

I am incredibly thankful for those who risk their lives for our protection. But it grieves me that so many of those people struggle with their marriages and children. It should not be so.

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Playing “The Kids” Card

by The Generous Husband | Oct 19, 2023 | Audio, Beyond the Marriage, Friday Flashback, Margin, Marriage Killer, Seeing Clearly, Series, ZIMAGE

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Some folks seem unable to think clearly when things involve “the children”. Others get guilted into doing things they don’t feel right about doing because they’re chided to “do it for the children” or asked “how can you say no to the children”. This is usually worded to suggest the only reason someone would say no is selfishness.

This thinking can easily lead to one or both spouses being far too busy, as they drive kids to sports, dance, band, clubs, meetings, and so on. I knew one couple with three children who had several months each year when 8 PM was the earliest both parents were home for the night. Occasionally they were both home for dinner, before going out again, but that was rare. This couple’s effort to give the kids everything was destroying their marriage. He eventually said he was tired of it, but she just ignored him. Last I heard, they were in separate bedrooms and married in name only.

Aside from what it does to the parents, and their marriage, busyness is even more harmful to children than it is to adults. A poll of 882 children ages 9 to 13 found 41% report feeling stressed most of or all of the time because they had too much to do. Additionally, 77% wished they had more free time. Our society is teaching our children to be even busier than we are, and it is not good for them. If they don’t learn to play and relax now, their lives will be full of stress and anxiety!

If your kids are doing too much, you need to put a stop to it for them. If their activities are making you and/or your wife too busy, you need to put a stop to it for the kids and for yourself, your wife, and your marriage. Parents having a strong marriage is critical for emotionally healthy children; don’t put that at risk for a few extra activities!

Reference: Is Your Child Too Busy?

[This post first appeared June 25, 2012.]

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Finding a Balance Between Personal Freedom and Responsibility

by The Generous Husband | May 18, 2023 | Aff Link, Mentor/Brother, ZIMAGE

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I have a friend whose parents escaped the genocide of Christians in Persia (now Iran) almost a hundred years ago. He was born and grew up in Chicago in a community of others who escaped. So while he is American, he grew up with a very different culture.

Recently, he told me that when he was young, he often heard, “What will man say?” (He said it in Arabic, and translated it for me.) This was what was said when anyone did anything bad or unusual. In his culture, everything you did made your family look either good or bad. And everyone was watching everyone to see if they got out of line.

If you grew up in a typical American community, you experienced something very different. We are all about personal freedom, and it’s rare that people put your actions onto your family. That’s how I grew up, and I like it. But I can see the downside to it, and the upside to what my friend experienced. In a culture that doesn’t allow you to get too far away from the norm, there is less “bad behaviour”. There are fewer problems, and there is less divorce.

That doesn’t mean I want to live like that. My friend is glad he’s not living that way any more. But the Bible does say we are our brother’s keeper, and that means some degree of setting and trying to maintain standards. As much as I like the freedom to be and do what I want, I see how we have paid a high price for that. Perhaps there is some middle ground that lets us be ourselves, but also protects us and others from taking that too far. I think it would benefit our marriages and our children if we could find a balance between the two extremes.

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Nipples And Judgement – We Can Do Better!

by The Generous Husband | Mar 18, 2023 | Audio, Big Deal Post, Links to good stuff, Seeing Clearly, Sexuality, XY link, ZIMAGE

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Yesterday over on The XY Code I told the women about a study that found that men see visible nipple erection through clothing as a sign of increased sexuality, and they make assumptions about such a woman’s behaviour and interests. They also make decisions about how they will treat her based on her erect nipples.

First, the biology lesson. A variety of things cause nipples to get erect. Cold is a big one. Pregnancy can do it, as can fear, stress, and being anxious. It’s not like your penis being hard, and it is rarely about sex or arousal. You should also know a woman may have no idea her nipples are erect, much less showing.

This does affect you and me, as much as we might like to deny it. If a woman at work or elsewhere shows you bumps in her blouse, that doesn’t mean she’s into you coming on to you. It also says nothing about her intelligence or her competency. So fight your natural reaction and treat her like you would a woman who was not “bumpy”.

My bigger reason for brining this up is to encourage you to educate your sons. Their natural reaction is to see girls who show erect nipples as more sexual. They will assume she is more willing to have sex, or to do more things. If a girl shows them bumps on a date, they may see it as an invitation. And of course their friends feel the same way, and reinforce these wrong beliefs. Please tell your sons the truth about nipples!

Of course, this is just one part of teaching our young men that women are human beings made in the image of God, not receptacles for male lust!

A post worth reading:

PsyPost | Listening to sexually explicit music predicts future sexting behavior among male adolescents ◄ Speaking of our sons and sex…

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Being and Having In-Laws

by The Generous Husband | Nov 17, 2022 | Audio, Beyond the Marriage, Headship/Submission, Links to good stuff, XY link, ZIMAGE

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Yesterday over on The XY Code, I went on a little rant about folks who make life difficult for their grown married children. Because of what Lori and I do, we’ve heard a lot of horror stories about parents who won’t give the couple privacy, make unacceptable demands on their time, interfere with their parenting, or bad mouth one spouse. Most of these folks have good intentions, but that doesn’t fix the damage they do.

In my experience, the wife’s mother-in-law is the problem most of the time. As much as the father, father-in-law and mother combined. And I think this is a headship issue for the husbands involved.

If your mother is bullying your wife, you need to deal with it. By deal with it, I mean you need to put a stop to it. If mom won’t stop, then you tell her you won’t be seeing her till she can behave. That doesn’t mean you go over without your wife, it means she has lost access to you until she can act as she should. Sure you show up for a true emergency. Unless you figure out mom is creating emergencies to get your attention. God told us to leave, cleave, and become one flesh. If we can’t leave as needed, we can’t cleave or become one flesh!

On the other end of it, don’t let your dear wife be the mother-in-law from hell. If she is interfering with your son and daughter-in-law’s marriage, tell her to knock it off. If she bad mouths them to anyone, call her on it. I understand this won’t go well for you, but it’s one of those places where what’s right is more important than what it will cost you.

And of course, all of this applied to you as well. Be loving and supportive, but give them the room to grow and make their own mistakes. Love them and be available, but make it clear you respect them as adults.

And no, it’s not a coincidence I am posting about this a week before Thanksgiving!

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey Carlisle | Unfinished symphonies◄ A great thought to have as we gather with friends and family for Thanksgiving

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Stand Up For Your Sons Even If It Costs You

by The Generous Husband | Oct 26, 2022 | Audio, Beyond the Marriage, Links to good stuff, ZIMAGE

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This post is a special case of what I talked about yesterday in Stand Up For What’s Right, Regardless.

Many moms are overprotective of their sons. Maybe they do okay when the boy is young, but don’t adjust as he grows up. Part of this is a result of gender ignorance. She’s never been a boy and she has no idea how they think and feel. She doesn’t understand some of their needs because she’s never had them. God made guys to take risks. I say this because He gave us ten times as much testosterone as the average woman. In addition to fueling our sex drive, testosterone causes us to take risks and be aggressive.

Now I’m not suggesting our sons should just be allowed to run wild. You know how that would end and it wouldn’t be good. But shutting them down too much is harmful. It prevents them from being the boys they should be, which means they can’t become the men God wants them to be. It can also result in a rather ugly backlash.

When I was 17 a buddy and I decided we wanted to ride our bikes from Austin to Corpus Christi – a 195-mile jaunt. My mother was dead set against it. My father asked questions and when we showed we were serious and were planning it well, he was provisionally for it. I know that cost him with my mother and I am so thankful he supported me. In the end, my buddy got a summer job and we didn’t make the trip. But the planning and the long rides on the weekends to get ready were great fun and it made me feel less like a boy and more like a man. And my father certainly gained a lot of respect from me.

Your son needs you to help him temper his aggression and risk-taking. He also needs you to temper his mother’s fear and attempts to stop him. You are far better qualified to help him find sane boundaries. Do that and push back against mom as needed even if it costs you.

A post worth reading:

PsyPost | Marital satisfaction declines from pregnancy up to 12 months postpartum for both men and women ◄ Being aware it’s going to happen and is normal should help.

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Do You Say No When You Should?

by The Generous Husband | Oct 19, 2022 | Big Deal Post, Change, Her Needs, Links to good stuff, Your Needs, ZIMAGE

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Do you know someone who everyone knows can be counted on to do whatever anyone needs? Those people are like that because they haven’t learned to put their own health and welfare ahead of what others want from them. And many of them have not learned to put their family’s needs ahead of what others want.

Some of these folks rarely say no because they are people pleasers. Some were taught to be this way growing up and have never moved past it. Some hate their home life so much they consider doing anything for others better than having to go home. But regardless of their reasons, they are hurting themselves and probably their wife and kids.

A slightly different kind of person says yes to far too much, but isn’t willing to hurt themselves or cheat their family, so they don’t do some of what they say they will do, or take way too long getting most things done.

I used to be the second kind of person. If I said I would do something for work or church, it got done. But for friends and family, it was iffy because I said yes to too much. Then about fifteen years ago I changed. I told folks my new hobby was saying no. I said no a lot for a while. This meant I was able to do what I said I would do and get it done in a reasonable amount of time.

If you are doing either of the things I’ve talked about today, I would like to lovingly suggest you need to stop. Your health and well-being are important. Your wife, your marriage and your children are important. It should be the rare emergency that causes you to cheat any of those for what someone else wants from you.

Do you need to make saying no your new hobby?

A post worth reading:

Mike Glenn | Changing Windows ◄ An interesting post about how our memories colour new experiences.

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