take-a-stand - The Generous Husband

Ultimatums

by The Generous Husband | May 27, 2014 | Be a grownup, Seeing Clearly, Your Needs

Giving an ultimatum doesn’t feel loving. It seems to be lacking in grace and a long way from unconditional love. However, God has given people and groups ultimatums, so it must be okay in some situations.

God’s ultimatums usually look like this: If you do A, the result will be X. If you do not do A, the result will be Y. Good parenting often works the same way. Letting someone know the results of their actions gives them a chance to make the wise decision.

Ultimatums should never be self-serving. The tricky part here is understanding what is and isn’t self-serving. For example, God says sex is an important part of marriage, so an ultimatum about far too little sex is not self-serving. On the other hand “We do anal or _____” is self-serving.
Ultimatums should not be a common thing. This is not the way to deal with minor inconveniences or differences of opinion. Ultimatums are for situations that are doing great harm to you, her, the kids, or your marriage. This should be the last-ditch big gun, not the first tool you grab when something’s wrong.
Think and pray before making an ultimatum. Is this something God supports? Is this the right time? Have you tried all the other options?
Consider getting some wise counsel before you act. Are you overreacting? Is there another way to approach this? If an ultimatum is the right way to go, is your attitude right? Is the timing right? Do you have valid, fair consequences?
Set appropriate “consequences”. Too small and it means nothing. Too big and she’ll blow you off as unreasonable. The consequences should flow from what she chooses to do or not do, and they should not be punitive. If she refuses to treat you respectfully, it will affect how you feel about her. It will change what you want to do with her. Attacking something she enjoys just because she enjoys it is a bad plan. Consequences are not punishment.
You must hold to your ultimatums. If you cave, or even back off, you set a bad precedent. She needs to know you’ll stick to what you say come what may.
However, you need to be open to being wrong. If you see you were wrong, own it and change or revoke the ultimatum. If this happens more than once, you’re probably making too many ultimatums or aren’t thinking and praying enough before you make them.

Ultimatums are sometimes necessary, and sometimes right. However, they are always an indication there’s a significant problem. Ultimatums are also risky. You’re drawing a line in the sand and saying things will be different from here on. An ultimatum means there will be change – but it may not be the change you want.

Links may be monetised
Image Credit: © Elwynn | Dreamstime.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We are donation supported – thanks for your help!
Where we’re going – Contact us about speaking

Work on You First… Work on Her Second.

by The Generous Husband | May 26, 2014 | Change, Seeing Clearly, Your Needs

When it comes to marriage problems, I’m all about working on yourself first. However, the last word in that sentence means sometimes you have to go beyond working on yourself. I think I have sometimes failed to go beyond working on you in my posts. I suspect this comes from my history with a wife who is fast to deal with her stuff. It’s rare that I need to poke her to deal with problems.

Starting with you is good for several reasons:

You have the power to change you.
Sometimes changing your part results in her to change her part without you saying a word.
If you do need to address it with her, getting your part out of the way shows you’re serious about fixing the situation. It also reduces her ability to ignore her stuff by pointing at your stuff.

When working on you doesn’t fix it

Some people are unwilling to make changes unless they’re pushed. Change is uncomfortable and takes effort. Some folks are more than willing to sit in something they don’t like because it seems better than trying to change. People like this won’t change until not changing is more uncomfortable than changing. The trick here is applying the right kind and amount of pressure. Get it wrong and she may ignore you, or dig in her heels. What works best varies from person to person. Some general guidelines:

You need to be loving, but firm. Wishy-washy won’t motivate her.
You have the right to say, “This is not acceptable.” When you do, do not apologise for what you want or need.
Pick your battles. Seek too many changes and you look unreasonable, giving her an excuse to ignore you. Asking for several difficult changes at the same time is the same. Decide what most matters to you, and let other things go. If there are a number of issues, limit yourself to a couple. Get those really solved before you move on.
She will need time and emotional space to make changes. Don’t expect immediate results.
Don’t let her side-track you with other issues. If she responds by telling you about something she wants you to change, ask her to discuss it at another time. You have a right to deal with the issue you brought to the table.
Be ready to lead by example. If she expresses a desire for you to change something, think about it seriously. Make a time to discuss it with her so you’re both clear. Then make changes. Failing to do this gives her cover for not making changes of her own.
Don’t wait too long to bring up problems. The longer you live with it, the less she will be inclined to change. Putting up with something for a few years is a good way to be stuck with it for the rest of your life.

Tomorrow: When all else fails… Ultimatums

Links may be monetised
Image Credit: © Stuart Miles | Dreamstime.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We are donation supported – thanks for your help!
Where we’re going – Contact us about speaking

Shifting blame to avoid sex, and to avoid dealing with avoiding sex.

by The Generous Husband | Dec 6, 2009 | Series, Sexuality

“I’ll have more sex with you when you’re perfect!”

No woman ever says that but some women do have an ongoing bait and switch, hinting or promising more sex if only their husband does such and such; then if he does it there’s another requirement, and another, and another. Another version of this is the woman who blames the lack of sex on something beyond her power to change; but if that thing is fixed, there’s a new problem beyond her power to change.

While some small percentage of this might be simply a way to manipulate and get what she wants, I doubt it’s a primary motivation for most women who do it. Really this is about dodging responsibility for her actions – or non-actions. It’s blame-shifting pure and simple, and it’s nothing more than a way to not deal with the real issue.

You’re over-sexed/You’re a pervert/Marriage is about more than sex/Is that all you ever think about/Why are you so selfish? These and other variations on the theme are more blame shifting. Rather than deal with the problem, she says you have a problem. Does she believe you have a problem? She may, or she may know better. Either way, she’s avoiding the real situation.

Blame shifting makes it difficult to deal with things because the real issue gets pushed away in favour of the false blame issue. When you try to discuss the real issue she may accuse you of changing the subject – a bit of hypocrisy, that.

So, how do you get past the blame issue(s)?

Don’t play: Let her know you see these things as a way of hiding from bigger and more important issues and you’re not going to fight about or even discuss these issues as it just prevents the two of you from dealing with the real issue(s).
Call her bluff: Offer to see a qualified third party to sort out what is real and what is not.
State the facts as you see them: Your sex life is not acceptable, and wouldn’t be acceptable to any reasonable, sexually healthy person (male OR FEMALE).
Batten down the hatches and weather the storm: If you’ve put up with these things in the past, rather than clearly and definitively doing any of the above, you’ve become a willing participant in her fiction. Doing any (or all) of the above is changing the rules, and will likely be seen as a betrayal. She will be angry, hurt, withdrawn, etc..
Give her time to find a new stance:
- She might refuse to give up her current blame shifting.
- She might find a new blame shift.
- She could find other ways to avoid sex.
- She might admit to herself something is wrong.
- She could admit to you that something is wrong.
- In either of the last two, she may admit it and do nothing to work on it – or she might work for change.
Repeat or move forward: If her new stance isn’t correct, you’ll have to do the whole thing again. You might have to do it several times before she realises you’re serious. On the other hand, if she shows any willingness to change, be loving and supportive, and give her time and space to prove she’s serious.

Yes, this is risky – you might really upset her, and who knows what she might do then. The bottom line here is this, do you want to keep the peace, or do you want to deal with the issues? I’d suggest that blame shifting relies on the other person being willing to live with it rather than risk what speaking the truth might cause. Blame shifting is emotional blackmail – give in at your own peril.

Other parts of this series (current page in bold):