Whatever else you do for Valentine’s today, please take a moment to verbally express your love for your wife. Tell her you love her, and tell her the wonderful things she does. Think about what to say, and rehearse if necessary.
Doing this while looking deep into her eyes is great if you can do that. But in the dark as you snuggle her to sleep is good too.
A few Sundays ago, I linked to When Those You Love Push Your Buttons, an outstanding post by Gary Sinclair on his Safe at Home blog. I strongly recommend you go read, no study, that post.
I mention this as a hat tip. Rather than pushing your wife’s buttons in the way we usually mean it, find buttons that make your wife feel good, and push those!
Just as you know how to push the buttons that upset her, you know what makes her feel good, loved, desired, safe, and so on. Maybe you haven’t thought about it that way, and maybe it will take some thinking to identify those buttons. It may also take some trial and error to find the best buttons, and when to use them to best effect. Just think how great it will be when you get a few of those buttons figured out! She’s sad? You know how to make her feel a bit better. She’s grumpy? You know how to deal with it (which might include some space). She needs to calm down? There’s a button for that!
Figure out how to push her buttons the right way. Learn what to say, such as kind, encouraging words, and what to do, such as massage, or taking a walk. This is not about manipulation, it’s learning to plug into something deep inside her, causing a powerful positive reaction. Fine tune until you have a solid set of wife blessing buttons at your disposal.
Is there a button that gets her in the mood? She probably has a few of those too, but they tend to be inactive until a few other buttons have been pushed. Still…
Lori’s Doing Marriage Well topic this week is about the words we speak to our spouse. Without stealing her thunder, my simple idea for today is to become far more aware of the words you use around your wife and how they affect her for good or bad.
Obviously, what you say to her matters, but what she hears you say to or about others also affects her. (The second one is my trouble area!) A change in your words will impact your wife. It’s a difficult thing to do, but the results can be significant.
We are still raising money for next year, and we need your help. Including what has come by mail, which does not show in the widget, we are at about $3,000, which is 20% of what we need. This is about normal for this point, but we’d be happy to finish it out early!
Donate with Check or BillPay
Print out our donation form and mail it with your check or money order. Make checks payable to The Marriage Bed. Or skip the form and put “Paul & Lori” in the memo.
Mail to:
Paul & Lori c/o The Marriage Bed, Inc. 4641 Lyons Hill Road Springdale, WA 99173
I fully agree with Emerson Eggerichs that while most men are desperate for respect from their wives, women are more likely to hunger for love from their husbands. However, this does not mean a wife has neither need nor desire for respect. I have known women who were dying for respect from their husbands and I’ve seen marriages die because of husbands not giving their wife respect.
A husband who actively disrespects his wife is a horrible husband. But, what about the man who shows neither respect nor disrespect? Should the lack of disrespect be taken as proof of respect? One could just as well take the lack of respect as proof of disrespect. While this situation isn’t as bad as open disrespect, it’s hardly right, and it harms the wife.
Yes, your love is probably more important to her than your respect, but she needs your respect all the same. She needs your respect in private and she needs your respect in public. She needs you to make it clear to the world that you both love and respect her. Anything less limits her desire to be with you, to love you, and to respect you.
Please use today as a tool for saying thank you to the folks in your life who have helped and blessed you. And make an extra effort with that woman God gave you to share your life with.
What if your wife only did for you things you thanked her for the last time she did that thing? What things would she no longer be doing?
While the cause and effect are not that clear, the reality is being thanked for doing something increases your willingness to do that thing again. And never being thanked for doing something greatly reduces your willingness to do that thing in the future. This is basic human nature and it happens even when we’re not aware it’s changing what we do.
What does your wife do that you rarely or never thank her for? Do you think you should you make a point of saying thank you for those things?
And, yes, this applies to sex. Don’t make too much of a big deal about it, but do thank her.
Helen Fisher’s second way of leveraging neurochemistry to maintain romantic love and form a deep attachment in long-term relationships is saying nice things to each other. This reduces cortisol, which is sometimes called the stress hormone.
Cortisol is an important hormone that helps to regulate our bodies. But when cortisol is high much of the time it does damage to our bodies. Excessive cortisol can lead to anxiety, depression, heart disease, high blood pressure, heart attack, stroke, weight gain, and more. Anything you can do to keep cortisol normal is good for your wife in a lot of ways.
So compliment your wife. Tell her she’s wonderful and tell her why you feel that way. Thank her, specifically, for the loving things she does for you. Bonus points for saying nice things about her in front of others.
Your wife wants to hear that you love her. And while you can say it in all kinds of creative ways, she wants to hear those three words and she wants to hear them regularly.
If I asked your wife if she hears those three words from you often enough, how would she answer?
