So what’s wrong with the image for this post? I mean aside from AI’s confusion about human anatomy.
After finishing their Bible study, this couple got frisky without hiding the Bible in a drawer! Even worse, they might have interrupted their Bible study to make out! The scandal!
I made this image after trying to get an image for last Friday’s XY post. Finding an image of a couple reading the Bible together in bed was difficult, and the only image I found had them fully clothed and above the covers. Even AI, which is limited by what it’s been trained on, struggled with this.
The obvious message is God and sex don’t mix. What’s more, God probably sees sex as a necessary evil.
Even those of us who think we’re not this way are usually effected by it. You ask God to bless your food before you eat, but have ever asked God to bless your sex before you make love? Do you pray to God about your sex life the way you pray about other needs or areas of stress? Do you do that as a couple? Have you ever asked a close friend to pray for some sexual problem the way you would other health issues?
Does an image of a man removing is wife’s bra inches from an open Bible make you a bit uneasy? Do you think God wants you to have wild, passionate, frequent sex with your wife? Or do you think your interest in sex is beyond what God wants? Have you ever thought the sexual frustration in your marriage is because you want too much?
Give this some thought and prayer. And then bring it up with your wife. God is wildly pro-sex in marriage. If that’s not how you see it, that error is limiting your sex life.
Last Saturday, I talked about Sexual Concordance, which is your mind feeling the same arousal your body is experiencing. Today, I want to talk about something similar; knowing why you want sex when you want it. Or perhaps I should say, knowing all the reasons you want sex.
I have sought sex when my body didn’t want it. I wanted sex for comfort, or to connect with my wife, or because it’s like snuggling on steroids. That didn’t happen when I was young because my body was always ready to go. But at 60+ and having plenty of sex, sometimes that’s where I am. And because I’ve learned what those sexual desire feel like, I am aware of them even when my body is ready, or more than ready.
That does not mean I always feel those things. Sometimes I’m just horny to enjoy my wife, because sex is so great. And sometimes I really need release from my sex drive. There are also times when sex serves as a reset of sorts after a crazy day or days. Yes, it helps me reset with Lori, but it can also help me feel normal in many other ways. We can also want sex to relax, or to help us sleep.
All of these are valid, and just fine with God. Your wife may or may not understand this, or be okay with it. She also has many reason to want sex, but if she struggles with knowing when she wants it, knowing why she wants it is unlikely.
Start thinking about this when you want sex. What are the various parts of your desire this time? Should why you want it change how you do it? Should it change how you judge how the sex was? If you don’t know why you want sex, you can’t get the sex you want.
Beyond knowing your sexuality better, if your wife is open to it, indicating why you want sex will help her meet your need. It should also help her think about why she wants sex. And that will make sex better for her, and probably cause her to want it more often.
A couple of weeks ago, Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage wrote “10 Confessions of a Wife Who Loves Sex”. Then J of Hot, Holy & Humorous did her “Confessions of a Sex-Happy Wife” and it became a trend. You can find five such articles in their entirety, along with links to others, on The Marriage Bed’s 50 Confessions From Wives Who Enjoy Sex. Several male bloggers have done their versions of this, and it’s time for me to join in. However, I’m going to do it a bit differently; I’m going to talk about what it’s like to be married to a “Sex Positive Wife”.
1. It hasn’t always been this way.
I know what it’s like to be told no most of the time, to be thought of as oversexed, and to go so long without sex I wanted God to take my sex drive away forever. Had all the fights, felt like a jerk, felt unloved, and felt grossly misunderstood. Been there, done that, couldn’t get her out of the T-shirt.
2. I didn’t find a secret way to turn my wife into a holy nymphomaniac.
The change was more about her growth than anything I said or did. If anything, I probably made her feel worse, which was hardly helpful.
3. For a long time it was good, and getting better, but still not all I wanted.
At some point, our sex life passed the minimum acceptable level, which was nice. Later it passed the “I could be happy if this is all there ever is” point, and that was great. Then, it seemed greedy to want it to be better, but it kept getting better.
4. When it first got great, I was scared it wouldn’t last.
I was almost afraid to go all in for fear she would lose interest and I would be worse off than before. It took the better part of a year to stop constantly worrying about when it would all come crashing down.
5. I have all the sex I want.
We don’t talk specifics, but I have all I want, and if I wanted more I could have more.
6. Sometimes I could pass on sex, but she wants it and I gladly do it for her.
This is the most awesome thing in the world, to have sex for her when I could easily go without. This is when I know she really likes sex, when I know she’s not just doing it for me, and it’s a fantastic feeling!
7. I get to hear “I thought about having sex with you today”.
Sometimes I get to hear the details too! Yes, this is as great and as arousing as it sounds. Being wanted, being desired, being lusted after both in person and in her thoughts, is awesome.
8. A great sex life makes every other area of marriage better.
It also makes it easier to be loving and giving. In fact, it happens without even trying. It’s hard to get upset or frustrated or feel wronged by the woman who rocks your world and lets you rock hers as often as either of you wants. Let’s be honest, she could get by with just about anything now. And yet she doesn’t try, how’s that for awesome!
9. Sex does NOT get old.
I used to wonder if it would get boring if we did it as much as I wanted. Would I start to want less? Would I start to want more variety? Neither of those is the case. When sex is wonderful, it goes way beyond the physical. Yes, the physical is fantastic, but there is far more to it, and the way you do it is just the doorway to all the awesome feelings. The “how” is far less important, because the “who” is so great.
10. I want to give her better sex than any woman has ever had in the history of the world.
Her pleasure is so enjoyable to me! The more she enjoys it, the better it is for me. I want to become the most incredible and skilled lover possible, so I can give her as much joy and pleasure as she gives me. My goal is to make it so enjoyable she forgets her own name.
11. When a woman really enjoys sex, she knows how to make you feel crazy good.
Because she feels it, because she wants it, because she sometimes aches for it, she understands how I feel. She also understands how great it is to hear “lay back, I got this, this one is for you”. Having been on the receiving end of I-did-not-know-I-could-feel-that-way, she wants me to have the same, and she will work hard to do it.
12. Yes, I’m trying to make you jealous.
I want you to want this so much you will do what it takes to make it happen in your marriage. Thing is, what makes it happen is NOT learning new sex skills. Loving your wife sacrificially, studying her so you will know how to bless her, seeking her best and her happiness – these are the things that move her towards being a sex positive wife.
Perfection is always a problem, and one area where it can do great harm is our sex lives.
If your wife feels she never does well enough, she may stop trying. That doesn’t necessarily mean she stops having sex, but it will mean she won’t put effort into making it what you want it to be. Can you blame her? If her best efforts aren’t enough to please you, why should she put herself out just to be a failure? It is fine to let her know what you want, but be reasonable, and be grateful for what she’s doing now. Thanking her, especially when she makes an extra effort, will encourage her to try even harder. Understand that she has neither a penis nor a male mind, so she doesn’t know how either works or how to best pleasure them. Give her help learning about your mind and your body, and encourage her as she learns.
The other side of this is turning down an offer for sex because it’s not what you want. There are several problems with this:
You can send the “you’re not good enough” message I warned about above.
Rejecting any honest offer is bad form, and it reduces the chance she will make such an offer in the future.
If you say you’re really horny, then turn down a hand job, what does that say to her? Will she believe you the next time you tell her you “need it bad”?
Quality sex is born out of quantity sex; the more you have, the better it gets.
Judging if she “means it” or is just offering “mercy sex” is a bad plan. Accept what she says at face value.
Sex is a great way of bonding, and maybe she needs that even more than you need release.
Please don’t let perfectionism limit your sex life!
Are you and your wife having sex the same way you did a couple of years ago? A lot of couples find something that works and stick to it. If it still works, and you’re both happy with it, that’s okay. But as our lives change, our sexual desires and abilities change. What worked for you when you were newly-weds may not be great now that you have several preschool children. Having teens could also require a change. And as we age into retirement, changes in our bodies may necessitate doing things differently.
Even if what you’ve always done still works, it might not be the best sex you could be having.
I think we can get into sexual ruts because we figure, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”. But perhaps we need a lower bar for what’s broke. Mediocre sex when you could have better should count as broken. Another part of this is that many couples don’t communicate about sex well. Or at all. There may also be the fear that suggesting changes will make your wife think you’re no longer into her.
If any of this sounds like it might apply to your sex life, take advantage of the New Year to nudge the issue. If you’ve done it the same way for a long time, suggest some small changes might make it even better. Ask her if the time of day you’re having sex is ideal for her. Would she like more foreplay? Or perhaps less? Would she like different forms of foreplay? What about position, is what you usually do great, or just okay? Is there any part of your sex life she would be fine with removing? Is there something she would like to try?
Please make this discussion primarily about your wife’s comfort and pleasure. Show her you care about her, and want sex to be as good as it can be for her.
As you might guess, my news feed is full of sex research. Much of that shows up here, but I can’t do all of it. So with a growing backlog, I thought I’d do a year-end wrap up. I’ll give you the information, my thoughts on a few, and a link so you can follow up if you want to know more.
Women are more likely than men to think about ending a relationship because of arguing about sex. This was especially true when such disagreements were common, and was true even if there were no issues outside of sex. STUDY
Sex is good for our brains. A study found that for adults aged 62–74, better sexual quality was correlated with better cognitive functioning. For those aged 75–90, more frequent sex correlated to better cognitive functioning.STUDY
Exposure to sexual stimuli makes us more impulsive, and this is particularly true for men. This is why sex sells. It’s also why a sexy woman can inhibit our normal brain function. STUDY
Becoming parents affects our sexuality. Sexual satisfaction generally drops during pregnancy, then increases after childbirth. But the improvement slows down about eight months later. Attachment style is also a factor. If one spouse had attachment anxiety, satisfaction grows more rapidly after the birth. Attachment avoidance means less satisfaction during pregnancy, and slower improvement after birth. STUDY
Mutual masturbation (masturbating in each other’s presence) is common in relationships. Men have significantly higher positive feelings about the activity. Having recently engaged in mutual masturbation correlated with sexual satisfaction, but not with sexual self-esteem. STUDY
The primary reason middle-aged women are less interested in sex is tiredness. A good relationship helps, but does not end this issue. If you want more or better sex, help your wife be less busy. STUDY
Why she has sex just for you matters. Women who engaged in sex because they felt obligated to do so had lower levels of sexual and relationship satisfaction. On the other hand, when women had sex because it was something nice she did for him, neither sexual nor relationship satisfaction suffered. STUDY
I want to talk about sexual quantity vs quality today – but not the way we usually do. This is not about the argument some couples have, with her being all about quality while he is starving and only cares about greater quantity.
What I want to discuss is how quantity of sex affects quality for a man. I realise some of you have never had the reasonable minimum amount of sex in your marriage, and this will be academic for you.
Let’s say you could fairly easily have sex a dozen times a week. Any more than that and you would not feel desire, and might struggle to get fully erect or to climax in a reasonable amount of time. It’s not the absolute max you could do, but it’s the comfortable limit. I realise for some that number is higher, and for many it’s lower; I’m just using it so we can talk about it.
If twelve is the max, then how often should you have sex for the best possible sex?
If you did it once a week, you would be extremely horny. Your climax would be great, but it would probably happen rather quickly, and you would find it difficult to slow down and enjoy the journey. You would have great physical pleasure but very little emotional and mental pleasure. That doesn’t sound like quality sex to me.
If you went for the full dozen, you would have better staying power and would not be frustrated if it took a while. But there would be less passion, and your orgasms would be on the weak side. More emotional and mental pleasure, but not a great deal of physical pleasure. That doesn’t sound like quality either.
Somewhere between one and twelve times a week is a place where passion is strong, you can enjoy the entire sex act, and your climax is excellent. This combination of mental, emotional, and physical pleasure is what I would call quality sex. I’d guess that number would be four to six times a week for a man who could go a dozen times a week.
Part of the equation here is how often you need to ejaculate to feel satisfied, and that won’t be the same for every man. The greatest sex is probably going to come from doing it just a bit more frequently than you need release.
All of this is to suggest some of you may be having more sex than is ideal. Perhaps a bit less would mean you would enjoy it more. Your wife might also enjoy it more. Alternatively, once in a while you might intentionally go an extra day or two, knowing it will make it far more enjoyable.
This is one of the most significant and potentially marriage-changing posts I’ve ever done. It’s simple, it’s easy, and it can have a massive effect on your wife, your marriage, and your sex life. Please take this seriously, and give it a real try.
I’ve often said non-sexual touch is necessary for a woman to want and enjoy sexual touch, and now I have a survey supporting my claim. The survey isn’t perfect – it would have been good to have an, “I don’t want more touch” choice. So this applies to women who want more touch, which other surveys have shown to be true for most wives.
Question: Women – other than sexual contact, what physical touch would you like more of from your husband?
Touching me as he walks past 75.7% His arm around me 56.8% Many kisses during the day 43.2% Shoulder rubs 43.2% Snuggling laying down 43.2% Holding hands 40.5% Back rubs 37.8% Some very long kisses 37.8% Snuggling sitting down 37.8% Full body massage 35.1% More hugs 35.1% Laying on him while we watch TV 35.1% Some very long hugs 35.1% Sitting closer (on the couch, at a restaurant …) 29.7% Foot rubs 27.0% Wrestling 13.5% Sitting in his lap 10.8%
What jumps out on this is that three-fourths of women said a touch as hubby walked past was something they desire. This is not a difficult thing; it takes almost no effort and only seconds to do. A brief touch on the arm, a passing grasp of her hand, or a pat on the butt if it’s okay with her. Simple, easy, and powerful. Doing this a number of times a day tells her you are always aware of her, always thinking of her, and always desiring intimacy with her. Most women are desperate to feel that way about their husband!
Second, at more than half, was his arm around her. Be it while walking or sitting, this is a powerful form of touch for a woman. I suspect there’s a safe and protected aspect to this form of touch. Additionally, this shows the world you love her, and it makes her feel especially good in public because it tells her you’re not ashamed of loving her in front of others.
A little less than half the ladies cited kissing during the day (as opposed to as foreplay). Trust me on this; it’s almost impossible to kiss your wife more than she wants. You can even throw in some heavy kissing and a bit of gentle groping on occasion if you do plenty of kissing. “Some very long kisses” was mentioned by over a third of the women, so some are specifically looking for more than a peck!
Most of the rest of the options were all chosen by roughly one-third of the women. I think this shows individuality, and means you need to do some trial and error to find what your wife wants and enjoys the most. “Sitting in his lap” was picked by only one woman in ten, but for some of those it may be a huge thing, and maybe a turn-on as well.
The responses on massage are interesting; with shoulder rub being highest rated, then full body massage, back rub, and finally foot rub. Again, this shows preferences. Some women probably selected all four, while others only wanted one. Shoulders are a good choice because it releases pain and stress and is intimate without being in your face sexual. In the second section, one lady commented, “Foot-rubs = Foreplay…..I just can’t get him to realize it! :)” – take a lesson, men!
Question: Women: How do you think more non-sexual touch would affect your interest in sex?
I would feel less used 36.4% I think I would be open to more sex 33.3% I think I would want more sex 30.3% I think I would want a lot more sex 30.3% I think I would enjoy sex a lot more 30.3% I think I would enjoy sex more 21.2% I think I would be open to a lot more sex 15.2% No change 3.0%
Only 3% of women said more touch would not change her sexually! All the rest said they thought more touch would result in wanting or enjoying sex more.
Forty-eight percent of the women thought they would be more open to sex or a lot more sex.
Sixty percent, said more touch would cause them to want more sex or a lot more sex. Non-sexual touch is clearly a great way to increase sex in a marriage!
Just over half of the women said more touch would result in them enjoying sex more or a lot more. This may not make sense to those of us with male minds, but clearly half the women think more non-sexual touch means enjoying sexual touch more.
The most picked answer, chosen by over a third, was “I would feel less used”. If a man only touches his wife when he’s having or seeking sex, is it any wonder she feels sex is all he wants? This is one of those places where actions speak far louder than words!
The bottom line is, non-sexual touch has a powerful effect on a woman sexually. However, many men avoid non-sexual touch when we feel sexually starved. Now that you know, what are you going to do about it? BTW, if she’s been touch starved for years, it’s going to take time for more non-sexual touch to have a noticeable effect on her.
