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FF: Why Can’t She Be The Way My Girlfriends Were?

by The Generous Husband | Jan 31, 2025 | Friday Flashback, Seeing Clearly, Sexuality, Understanding Her

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A comment on a recent poll read, “If only my wife treated me as well as my sinful high school girlfriends so many years ago”.

I suspect many men who did more than hold hands with someone before their wife have had similar thoughts. If you got more, or better, when you were single, it’s understandable to think this way. What you need to realise is this is comparing apples to orange juice.

What a woman does sexually before marriage has little or nothing to do with drive, desire, preferences, or enjoyment.

Even in most Christian circles, some level of sex is required to get repeat dates. In marginally Christian or non-Christian circles, the expectation is greater. Going from dating to a serious relationship means more is expected, and if you want to get married, you better be ready to do just about anything he wants.

Try to put yourself into this reality, the reality of many young women in Western cultures:

You want companionship, love, and eventually marriage. You like guys, but you don’t have a huge sex drive, and you feel being sexual is questionable if not wrong. If you engage in sex, the guy is usually done before you really get started. At best, they get theirs, and you get nothing. Or even worse, he gets his and leaves you horny. If it were up to you, you would avoid sex at least until you were engaged. However, you find most guys expect sex, and expect more as the relationship continues. You feel your choices are offering sex you do not really want or being alone. Being alone seems a worse fate, so you engage in sex. You don’t want to be doing anything, and you don’t get much pleasure out of what you do, so it doesn’t matter much what you do or how often you do it. It all feels wrong on one level, so how can you say, “I don’t like that” or “I think that is wrong” to anything?

Gentlemen, can you grasp this? Can you understand the bad, no-good-choices situation many women experience when single? Can you understand why they say yes when they want to say no? Can you see why they say yes to things they don’t want to do? What they offer is not real; it is just them playing a part. This has two bad results: it creates men who want from their wives what their girlfriends did in sin, and it creates women who neither want nor enjoy sex. When such a man and such a woman marry, it is a given they are going to have sexual problems.

If you have expectations created by sinful sex, you really need to repent of the sex and see the expectations created as fruit of the poisoned tree. Expecting your wife to meet those expectations is asking her to pay for your sins. If you’ve been doing this, you need to deal with it, seek her forgiveness, and promise to change.

[This post first appeared Oct 27, 2012.]

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Her Pleasure: The Importance of Foreplay and Position

by The Generous Husband | Jan 25, 2025 | Rethinking Sex

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Foreplay matters. It matters a great deal. If you want her to enjoy sex, good foreplay is a must.

A well done study found that manual and oral foreplay increased the odds a woman would orgasm. Oral was a bit better, but either will do it. It was found that good foreplay was especially important for low desire women, with oral foreplay more than doubled the chance of them having an orgasm.

Beyond foreplay, position matters. When the woman is on top, or the couple used multiple positions during a session of intercourse, two-thirds of women orgasmed. When the man was on top, that dropped to less than half. That’s a significant difference.

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FF: Understanding Her Sexuality: A Guide to Pleasuring Your Wife

by The Generous Husband | Jan 24, 2025 | Friday Flashback, Sexuality, Understanding Her

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Men are straightforward sexually. Our bits are on the outside, they respond dramatically to stimulation, we climax easily, and we usually give good indications by sounds, movements, and words when we are enjoying what is being done. Additionally, men are fairly similar in what we want and enjoy. Yes, there’s some variation, but not a great deal.

Women are a completely different story. Their bits are hidden, changes in response to stimulation are small and hard to see, climax can take awhile (by male standards), and feedback is often poor or non-existent. Additionally, there is a huge range of what women like, not only from woman to woman but for the same woman one time to the next. It is enough to drive a man to celibacy! Okay, not really, but it can be frustrating.

What follows are various sexual issues. Some of which will apply to your lady, some will not. Most of these have links to other posts if you want more information:

Communicate, communicate, communicate. Nothing else will help as much, and nothing else will make up for not communicating. If you’re the one holding back, get over it. If she is, work on it gently. You need to know what she wants, what she thinks, and what she feels sexually. You also need her to tell you what feels good and what doesn’t, when something goes from feeling good to feeling great, and if it goes from feeling good to not so good. Assure her she won’t hurt your feelings. You don’t have lady bits, so you need her to help you learn how to handle them for her best pleasure.
Just because she is not feeling “horny” doesn’t mean she is unwilling to have sex. Nor does it mean she won’t enjoy sex if you have sex. For men, sexual desire is spontaneous, but for most women, sexual desire is triggered.
Her menstrual cycle affects her sexuality a great deal. You should know where she is in her cycle at all times, and know what it means for her.
The pill and other hormonal forms of birth control have been found to cause hormonal changes that significantly reduce sex drive and pleasure in many women. If your wife is using hormones to avoid pregnancy, this may be a part of any sexual problems you are having. Other drugs, especially antidepressants, can also cause problems. Her doctor may be able to help find ways around these issues.
Because her genitals are so much more sensitive, she’s far more likely to feel discomfort or pain from sex. If you ignore signs of pain, she may stop complaining, which is not a good way to deal with it. Ask her if she ever has pain, and what you can do to help. (Learn why sex can hurt)
She might not want to climax every time. Some women get upset when I say this, while others agree that for them, the “pressure to climax every time” actually puts them off sex. Ask her, and take her at her word.
If she has difficulty reaching orgasm, or has never had one, the problem could be between her ears. Fortunately, there are things you can do to help.
Her orgasm is not like your orgasm, in a number of ways. Learn how it works for her and you can make it better for her.
Lack of sleep is the primary reason women say no to sex. This in turn is usually a result of being too busy. If you want her to desire and enjoy sex, she needs a sane life and plenty of sleep. (Other reasons women say no)
Sex toys can make sex easier or better. But talk about it before you buy one.

[This post first appeared Oct 23, 2012.]

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FF: God’s Design for Her Sexual Pleasure

by The Generous Husband | Jan 17, 2025 | Friday Flashback, Sexuality

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Sex is not just for men. God intended women to enjoy it too. How can I say that? Because His design leaves no other rational conclusion. While female orgasm is not necessary for conception, the clitoris has no purpose other than pleasure. Additionally, women can have multiple orgasms, their orgasms tend to last longer than the male version, and when they have a good orgasm it is far stronger than anything a man will ever experience.

Sadly, many women are not enjoying sex, or at least they’re not enjoying it nearly as much as they could. There are several issues here: men who do not really try, men who don’t know what to do, and women who resist or limit sex. I will devote a post to each of these.

Men who don’t really try:

It is tempting to say rude things about a man who doesn’t make a real effort to give his wife as much sexual pleasure as she can handle. Certainly, some men in this category are guilty of selfishness, but there are other possibilities:

He has no idea what to do, and isn’t getting any help or feedback from his bride. (See Tuesday’s post)
His bride has shown no interest in sex. (See Wednesday’s post)
Exposure to porn has given him a greatly skewed idea of what a woman wants sexually, and how a woman should react to various sexual situations. If you keep trying what you “know”, and it doesn’t work, you eventually just give up.
He is so sexually starved he can’t see past the end of his own, ah… nose. This isn’t a valid excuse, but it’s easy to understand why it happens. If you have this problem, at the very least, you need to be all about her pleasure after you get your pleasure.
He has bought into the lie women don’t really care for sex much. This lie is still circulating in the church, with both men and women spreading it. If he thinks she is “supposed to” spread her legs and just lie there, he doesn’t even know there’s a problem.
Premarital experience has convinced him women don’t want or enjoy sex very much. Often women see sex as the price they must pay for dates, or to get a husband, and this doesn’t inspire passion or pleasure on her part.
Fear. Yup, just plain afraid of what a turned on wife would be like. I don’t know how common this is, but I’ve had a couple of guys express this concern, saying “What is she starts to want more than I do” or “What if I can’t keep up” or “What if I can’t satisfy her?” If a man sees her enjoying sex as Pandora’s Box, you can understand why he might try to avoid her enjoying sex.
Laziness. In general, women need more time and attention to get aroused and to climax. A man who got used to his own pace during years of masturbation may find her pace frustrating. If he doesn’t understand this is a normal male/female difference, he may think there’s something wrong with her, or think she doesn’t desire orgasm.

If you aren’t giving your wife all the effort needed to make sex fantastic for her, please ask yourself why. She needs and deserves to enjoy sex as much as you do. Don’t be the reason she’s not enjoying it to the fullest.

[This post first appeared Oct 22, 2012.]

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Different Sexual Realities: Understanding Her Side

by The Generous Husband | Jan 11, 2025 | Do It For Her, Rethinking Sex, XY link

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Yesterday I told the women on The XY Code that if women understood what sex means to their husband, and how not having it often enough effects him, she would say no far less often. I said if she was not up to full sex, she would be quick to offer something else, and would initiate on occasion. And if she had junk from her past, that was getting in the way of sex, she would be motivated to deal with that.

I believe this is what any decent, loving woman would do if she had a clue about her husband’s sexual reality. Perhaps some gals avoid understanding his reality to avoid what that would require of them. But still.

I also told the ladies what a decent, loving husband would do if he understood her sexual reality. He would make changes in when and how he asks. He would change what he asks for, what he expects, and what happens when sex does occur. And if he was looking at porn, he’d be motivated to deal with that. And I fully believe all that is true.

If you still look at porn, either you don’t get it, or you don’t care about your wife. If you seek sex when she’s dead tired, either you don’t get it, or you don’t love her. And so on.

For the most part, I think guys don’t get it. I realise many are blinded by their unending horniness, but if they understood her reality, I think most would be able to move past even that. Perhaps some guys avoid understanding her reality to avoid what that would require of them. But still.

All of this is to say her sexual reality is far different from your sexual reality. But her reality is just as real and valid, and it affects her just as much as your reality affects you. Much of what you judge as selfish or unloving is neither. If you can accept that as truth, it will be the start of change.

If you really want to go all in, ask her to explain what she thinks and feels about sex, and why she thinks and feels those things. Don’t judge her or argue, just hear her heart. Then pray about what you should change because of her reality.

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Honouring Your Wife by Letting Go of Sexual Preferences

by The Generous Husband | Jan 4, 2025 | Do It For Her, Rethinking Sex, XY link

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Yesterday on The XY Code, I suggested the ladies pick one sex thing they don’t like and tell their husband they won’t be doing that thing in 2025

Such a post should be not necessary, but I know it is. And that means I also need to address the other side of this with you guys.

Do you keep hoping for some sex act your wife doesn’t want? It could be anal or oral, her on top, or leaving the lights on. If you know she doesn’t want to do it, and you keep asking, hinting, or complaining it’s not happening, what does that communicate to her?

It tells her that your sexual desires are more important to you than she is. You can say that’s not what it means, but I assure you that’s what she feels. And she feels that way regardless of why she doesn’t want to do whatever. If she thinks it’s wrong, and you don’t, she feels less important than that sex act. If she finds it gross or a turn-off, you still wanting it means you value your pleasure over hers.

The only loving choice it to decide you won’t ever do that thing. Decide your wife is more important than that sex act, and then let your actions show that is the case.

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FF: Her Perspective on Christmas Lingerie

by The Generous Husband | Dec 13, 2024 | Gifts, Sexuality, Understanding Her

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We did a little poll on Facebook asking wives if they wanted lingerie for Christmas.

Just under half said yes, some was nice, while only 8% said the more, the better. A full quarter said it was okay, but they saw it as a gift for him, not for them. Seventeen percent would rather have a gift certificate so they can pick out what they would like. About ten percent said what he buys is uncomfortable, doesn’t fit, or makes them feel like a thing rather than a person.

Before you decide this poll says most wives would be okay with some Christmas lingerie, please realise the poll audience is a decidedly pro-sex group of Christian women. In a group more representative of women as a whole, I would expect to see more of the negative answers.

Part of the issue is women as a whole tend to feel more defined by their clothes than men do. What she chooses to wear is an expression of how she sees herself, and what you buy her is thus an expression of how you see her. You buy her something because you think she’s sexy, but it may communicate something different and negative to her.

So be careful here. If in doubt, don’t buy lingerie. If you think it is okay, err on the side of too little and not as sexy as you think she can handle. If you want to get something, but have no clue how to shop for it, check out my Buying lingerie without dying of embarrassment article.

[This post first appeared Dec 8, 2012.]

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Intimate Relaxation: Enhancing Her Massage Experience

by The Generous Husband | Nov 30, 2024 | Rethinking Sex, Sex Positive

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Offer your wife a massage with a built-in happy ending.

Have her strip down to a close-fitting pair of panties. Get her to lie on her front, then give her a small vibe to slip into her panties.

You then massage her feet, legs, back and neck until she either comes, or rolls over and begs you to finish her in whatever way she desires.

This is a great thing to offer when she’s had a long day.

If she says no to the vibe, do give her the back rub all the same.

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