Sex Tip/Trick - The Generous Husband

Evolving Intimacy: Embracing Change in Your Marriage Bed

by The Generous Husband | Feb 15, 2025 | Rethinking Sex, Seeing Clearly

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The other day, I talked about the need to let go and move on, and what we can miss when we fail to do that. Today I want to apply that to sex.

No, I am not suggesting you need to let go of sex! Far from it.

We generally hold on to what works. And we often keep holding on to it even when it’s not working. And we tend to be especially bad about this when it comes to sex.

If you struggled to find a way of having sex that worked for both you and your wife, it’s understandable to feel you need to guard that. But our minds and our bodies change, and what was great then may not be great now. What was okay then may be not okay now.

I’ve been having sex with the same woman for forty years. It’s still great, and far better than when we started. But it’s not the same. It’s changed over the years many times in big and small ways. Some changes were finding something better, others were finding something that worked because what we’d been doing wasn’t working very well. And those changes are why we both still want and enjoy sex.

If you want to enjoy sex for the rest of your lives, you have to be willing to let go and move on.

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Enhancing Sexual Intimacy: A Pastor Talks “Sex Tools”

by The Generous Husband | Feb 8, 2025 | Rethinking Sex

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Recently, my dear wife said to me, “Thank you for thinking about lube and vibrators.”

I recall that when I first suggested a “sex toy” she was hesitant. And that’s putting it kindly. I get it, we were taught that good people don’t use such things. We also got the message that using them would somehow hurt your sex life.

What made it an even harder sell was we technically didn’t need it. We were having mutually satisfying sex without a vibrator. It sometimes took more effort and time than either of us would like, but we managed.

In time, I talked her into trying a small egg vibrator. And it made sex better for both of us. We found it was a tool, and we all know the right tools make anything easier.

In the intervening decades, we have recommended various sex tools to a number of folks. The suggestion is usually based on a specific need or struggle. Most have tried what we suggest, and most of those report it was somewhere between helpful and revolutionary.

A few specific tools and how they can help:

Egg vibrator: A versatile tool that can be used by you on her, her on you, or between your bodies during face to face intercourse. The between your bodies trick allows some women who normally can’t do so to orgasm from intercourse. You can grab one with a corded controller for less than $10. If you like it, I strongly recommend a quality tool with a remote control.
If you get hard, but not as hard as you would like, or have difficulty staying hard, a penis ring can make a huge difference.
If your length is a problem for her, the Ohnut Bumper is a must have.
If she’s not feeling as much as she would like, or is feeling less due to menopause, an enhancement cream can help.
If she struggles with doing manual or oral sex on you, a stroker can make it easier for her, and more enjoyable for you.
Sex furniture can make sex more comfortable, or help you work around physical limitations.

If your wife is likely to be nervous about these things, don’t just buy one and spring it on her. Talk about the specific issue and a tool that could help. Or, if you just want to explore and try to make sex better, ask her to check out Married Dance with you. It’s a safe, no porn, Christian site. Unless she says “We need one of those” I’d suggest you make the first trip exploratory and don’t expect to buy anything.

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Her Pleasure: The Importance of Foreplay and Position

by The Generous Husband | Jan 25, 2025 | Rethinking Sex

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Foreplay matters. It matters a great deal. If you want her to enjoy sex, good foreplay is a must.

A well done study found that manual and oral foreplay increased the odds a woman would orgasm. Oral was a bit better, but either will do it. It was found that good foreplay was especially important for low desire women, with oral foreplay more than doubled the chance of them having an orgasm.

Beyond foreplay, position matters. When the woman is on top, or the couple used multiple positions during a session of intercourse, two-thirds of women orgasmed. When the man was on top, that dropped to less than half. That’s a significant difference.

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No, A Vibrator Won’t Ruin Sex

by The Generous Husband | Mar 2, 2024 | Audio, Links to good stuff, Rethinking Sex, Sex Positive, ZIMAGE

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If you’ve followed me for long, you know I’m all for couples using vibrators to make sex easier or better for women. Of course, I’ve had some push back on that. Some find it sinful, although they can’t quite find a verse to support that. Others will avoid the word sin, while telling you it’s a bad idea for, ah, reasons. And then you have folks who toss around words like addition, dependent, crutch or numbing.

So let’s deal with all of that.

For decades, there have been claims that frequent vibrator use will numb a woman’s clitoris. And yet no study has shown this is the case, and several that looked for it failed to find it. Yes, very heavy vibrations can numb any part of the body, but the effect is temporary, and most women don’t want nearly as much vibration as would be required.

Others say a woman will become unable to orgasm without a vibrator. If she couldn’t orgasm until a vibrator was used, then this is a nonissue. If her ability to orgasm was hit-and-miss prior to vibrator use, why would she want to go back to that? If a vibrator mean she can climax before she gets frustrated, or result in better orgasms, why would she, or a husband who loves her, want to stop using the vibe?

I find “it’s a crutch” the most offensive claim. Should a woman come half the time, often after a long struggle, so she is not using a “crutch”? Should she have weaker orgasms and never have multiples, so she can feel good about sex being “natural”? Is far less without a vibrator in any way a good thing?

Multiple studies have found that vibrator use in coupled sex results in greater sexual satisfaction and sexual well-being for women. Seems to me that’s all we need to know.

If you’re looking for a vibrator, Married Dance has a great selection with no images of nudity or scantily clad people.

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey Carlisle | Living with the consequences ◄ Even right decisions have consequences

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Challenging Men’s Sexual Expectations to Improve Sex

by The Generous Husband | Feb 24, 2024 | Audio, Her Needs, Rethinking Sex, XY link, Your Needs, ZIMAGE

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In yesterday’s XY Code, I talked about a wife who basically feels like a receptacle for her husband’s penis and the sexual urges that come with that. I nearly cried when I read her comment a few weeks ago, and it still saddens me. On the other blog, I said most men don’t see their wife this way, and talked about the fact the Bible teaches us that sex is to be mutually desired and enjoyed. Here, I want to address some mistakes we men make that keep sex from being great for our wives.

The big problem is we expect women to be like men sexually. It’s natural to think others are as we are, and recently the world has been telling us men and women are alike, even when it comes to sex. This, of course, is a lie. And it’s a lie that is destructive to women’s enjoyment of sex.

If my wife was as I am, all I’d have to do to get her to have sex is to walk by her naked with an erection. Go ahead, try that and see how it works out for you. I’ll wait, it won’t take long.

We are easily aroused. And we get aroused for no other reason than it’s been 24 hours. For us, foreplay is somewhere between unnecessary and a waste of time. And having an orgasm is easy. Sometimes too easy! For our wives, none of this is true. For them, what’s happening in the marriage outside of sex has a major impact on sex. A long day may or may not kill their desire, but it will leave them unable to enjoy sex. Even when she’s all about sex, it can be difficult to get her body going, and even more difficult to reach climax.

If you want to make sex better for your wife, you have to accept her sexual reality as valid. And to do that, you have to understand her sexual reality. Since every woman is different, the only way you can learn her reality is to ask her.

The next step is to figure out what would make sex easier and better for her. Ask her to tell you her idea of perfect sex. Listen without interrupting, unless you don’t understand something. Then ask her if she hedged what she said out of concern for what you would think, or said what society says she should want.

When next you have sex, make is like what she described. Later, ask her again for her idea of perfect sex, and implement those things. Set your preferences aside and focus on giving her great sex. When she thinks you’ve become the best lover in the world, you can discuss some things you would like sex to include.

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Improving Your Sex Life By Playing the Long Game

by The Generous Husband | Feb 17, 2024 | Audio, Rethinking Sex, ZIMAGE

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On Thursday, I talked about learning better tactics rather than better behaviour. Today, let’s think about how we do that with sex.

First, let’s talk about why the temptation to do this is so strong with sex. If you’re not having as much sex as you would like, you probably think about that a good deal. You become hyperaware of things that might reduce the chances of sex. If it’s been days since you’ve had sex, and you have some bad news, it’s tempting to wait and share it after sex. It’s common to hide or downplay things because they will likely get in the way of having sex.

We also do this by finding something that works and sticking to it like it’s a magic formula. That could be how we ask for sex or the type of foreplay we use. And while this is not necessarily bad, it’s going to get old. But when you feel you’re not getting enough, you don’t want to risk doing anything that could mean even less.

Much of this is about losing sight of the bigger picture. We are all about what we need right now, and we don’t think about how we want our sex life to continue and improve over the years. Sex, like marriage, should be playing the long game, making small sacrifices today, so things are better in the long run.

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Improving Your Sex Life Through Practice and Learning

by The Generous Husband | Feb 1, 2024 | Audio, Rethinking Sex, ZIMAGE

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Just over two years ago, I did my first podcast. The sound quality was bad. I knew it was poor, but now it sounds horrible. I posted it anyway, because I knew the way to learn is to do. Some folks would have done it and not posted it until it sounded okay. I admire folks like that, but that’s not me.

The sound quality has improved a great deal over the last 24 months. Part of that is better tools. One of you bought me a quality microphone, and that helped. Recently, I have started using an AI Audio Enhancer. That has made a small improvement in quality, and a big improvement in how long it takes me to produce an episode. Beyond the tools, most of the changes have come from learning. My friend and pastor Jeromy has been a big help. The rest has been learning how to make fewer pops and clicks when I speak, and a good deal of trial and error on settings.

Sex is a lot like this. The first time you and your wife had sex, the quality was probably poor. Especially for her. But you got better by doing it over and over. You may have learned something that helped from others. You might have found some tools, such as a vibrator, that helped. But most of the improvement came from working on your technique and a lot of trial and error.

Just as I continue to work to improve the sound of my podcasts, you need to keep working on your sex life. Keep learning, keep trying, and yeah, keep failing too. It’s how we get better at things. One way to learn some new ideas would be the Position Guide we just started on The Marriage Bed forums. You will have to set up an account and ask to join; it’s a closed list due to the explicit doll images we use. I’ll be posting two positions the last weekend of every month.

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Beforeplay – The Key to a Great Sex Life

by The Generous Husband | Jan 27, 2024 | Audio, Her Needs, Rethinking Sex, Sex Positive, ZIMAGE

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Let’s talk about beforeplay.

Foreplay is what you do to get her body going. It’s what, metaphorically, makes her open her legs. But in order for foreplay to work, her mind has to be in the right place. If she’s not feeling close and intimate, she’s not going to be into sex. If you manage to arouse her body, she still won’t want to have sex, and if she does it, she won’t be glad she did when it’s over.

Beforeplay is what you do to get her to open her heart and mind. It’s what causes her to want to be sexual with you. It’s what makes her want foreplay, and what follows.

Beforeplay comes in two forms. There is the steady stream of things you do to make her feel loved, cherished, and heard. Then there are the things you do before sex that flow into foreplay.

The stream of things you do day in and day out is critical. You can’t turn it on a couple of hours before you want to have sex; you have to do it all the time. It’s loving words, acts of service, listening to her, and general kindness and courtesy. If you don’t do this, odds are your sex life is not what you want. It’s absolutely critical.

What you do before sex is more of a transition. It’s moving from non-sexual intimacy to sexual intimacy. A slow back rub is a great way to do this. Snuggling up on the couch before bedtime is a good choice. Taking a shower together might work. Just be aware she can’t make a fast hard switch to sexual mode the way you can. Beforeplay helps her transition.

If you do the all the time form of beforeplay well, the just before sex version is less critical. Still wise, but it’s a boost, not trying to make up for not doing it apart from wanting sex.

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