sacrifice - The Generous Husband

Embracing the Whole Package, Quirks and All

by The Generous Husband | Feb 7, 2025 | Friday Flashback, Gratitude, Seeing Clearly, Understanding Her

Subscribe RSS

My wife puts up with me.

It’s not that I am a horrible person, but I know I can be a challenge. I see life as an adventure looking for a place to happen, and I feel obligated to make room for as much adventure as possible. In addition, I figure if something is worth doing, it’s worth doing to excess. Case in point, last weekend I spent a good deal of time turning sixty pounds of home-grown tomatoes into 7 gallons of tomato purée. This tied up the kitchen for a good while, and I required help from Lori a couple of times.

My point here is we’re all complex people, and the “other side” of something we like in our spouse can be something we have to put up with at times. You married her because she was so outgoing, but her always wanting to go out sometimes wearies you. She married you because you had the self-control and money sense she lacked, but she gets upset when you’re “stingy”. She married you because she loved how creative you are, but it comes with a messy side that drives her crazy.

Behaviours, personality types, and other preferences have both an upside and a downside. Expecting your wife to remove the “annoying part” while maintaining the part you like is asking something impossible. The best option is to accept the parts you could do without as part of the whole. Focus on the good, and downplay the annoyances. My wife has been greatly enjoying some of the best tomato basil soup ever made. She also says she loves the adventures I get her into, at least most of them. And she is never bored… even if she might like to be on occasion.

If the annoying side is destructive, to her, you, or others, or if it just bothers you so much you can’t ignore it, ask her to tone it down some. But understand it’s part of the whole, and not easily limited.

[This post first appeared Oct 27, 2012.]

Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with stockdreams.ai
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

Striking the Right Balance Between Acceptance and Advocacy

by The Generous Husband | Feb 8, 2024 | Audio, Good Marriage, GRACE, Her Needs, Your Needs, ZIMAGE

Podcast: Download

Subscribe RSS

Following up on Tuesday’s post, when something in your marriage is not to your liking, you have two choices. You can try to cope with it, or you can lovingly seek change.

Often the biggest issue is deciding if you should cope or seek change. If you always or almost always do either of those, something is wrong.

In a healthy give and take marriage, each spouse lets some things go without mentioning them. And each decides to do this with certain minor annoyances every time those things come up. This is loving and appropriate.

However, if either of you does this most or all of the time, that’s neither right nor healthy. It doesn’t help you build a healthy relationship, and eventually it will result in problems.

Do you confront too often? Are you letting too many things go? What about your wife, is she too far either way?

Image Credit: © Antonioguillem | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

Divorce by a Thousand Cuts: It Adds Up

by The Generous Husband | Jan 30, 2024 | Audio, Her Needs, The "D" word, ZIMAGE

Podcast: Download

Subscribe RSS

I’ve mentioned this song before, but this time I want to hit it from a different direction.

Mm, too young, too dumb to realize
That I should have bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should have gave you all my hours
When I had the chance
Take you to every party ’cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby’s dancing
But she’s dancing with another man
My pride, my ego, my needs, and my selfish ways
Caused a good strong woman like you to walk out my life
Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made, oh ~ Bruno Mars in When I Was Your Man

I realise Mars isn’t talking about a marriage, but he could be. You might say none of the reasons he gave for the woman leaving justify divorce. And I would agree. But if a woman left over such reasons, how does our agreeing she is wrong help anyone?

Divorce is rarely the result of one big thing. Even when folks divorce over adultery, it’s usually the last straw, not the only reason. Often there is no big reason, but rather hundreds of small ones. None of them alone would lead to divorce. Any twenty of them would not end the marriage. But all together, they snuff out any love that was left and make divorce tempting.

If you’re a really great husband, there are a dozen things you do that are on women’s lists of reasons for leaving their man. That’s a given because none of us is perfect, and we’re all selfish. But those dozen things don’t cause your wife to want to be rid of you.

Avoiding divorce is as easy as keeping that list short. The occasional failure, and the thing you just can’t/won’t get right, won’t end your marriage. But if it’s one of many, you’re in trouble.

Image Credit: © SZ Photos | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

The Two-Parent Advantage: Why Does the US Lead in Single-Parent Homes, and What Can We Do?

by The Generous Husband | Jan 23, 2024 | Audio, None of the Above, XY link, ZIMAGE

Podcast: Download

Subscribe RSS

This post is mostly a repeat of what I said to the ladies yesterday over on The XY Code. I think it’s an important issue, and I want as much exposure as possible. There is a post script at the bottom for husbands.

A new book that talks about kids and parents is getting a lot of press. Some love it. Some hate it. The book is The Two-Parent Privilege: How Americans Stopped Getting Married and Started Falling Behind, and the title should tell you why some folks hate it. We’ve been told that kids do fine as long as they have a loving parent. We’ve been told two parents isn’t really better, and that those who claim a child needs a father are old-fashioned or misogynistic.

Author Melissa Kearney offends even more people by saying children of a married couple are even better off than those raised by a couple who are not married. What makes her book really offensive is that she supports her claims with data. She shows that children from single mother homes are less likely to graduate from high school, get a college degree, or have high earnings as adults. What’s more, children of a single mother are five times as likely to live in poverty.

As for marriage, Kearney says, “If you just look in the data, marriage is what delivers kids a stable, long-term, two-parent household in this country.”

What I really want to focus on is that the US has the highest rate of children living in a single-parent household IN THE WORLD! Various sources say 27% of our kids live with a single parent, and no other adult! And 80% of these are with their mother.

Why do we lead the world in this? Why are we having this problem? In a country where almost two-thirds of the population claims to be Christian, we can’t blame this on the world. European countries with lower percentages of Christians have fewer children in single-parent homes. What are we doing wrong, and how do we fix it? How does the Church address this?

I don’t have answers, this is primarily about raising awareness. We need to do what we can to help couples in trouble. We also need to speak up when we see bad marriages in the making before the couple says “I do”. Don’t sit by and watch someone you care about make a mistake that will hurt them and any children they have. I’d also encourage you to be a squeaky wheel about this in your church. Caring for marriages needs to be a major push in every church in the country.

Now for husbands. This information means “staying for the kids” is both valid and important. I know men who stayed in a dead, miserable marriage for their children, and I have a great deal of respect for them. They will never get the acclaim they deserve, but then that’s not why they did it. I know some of you will face this choice, and I encourage you to understand how what you choose will affect your children for the rest of their lives.

Image Credit: © zoteva87 | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

FF: If I Could Upload Being In A Great Marriage

by The Generous Husband | Jan 5, 2024 | Audio, Change, Friday Flashback, Good Marriage, ZIMAGE

Podcast: Download

Subscribe RSS

I saw a movie promo the other day for a remake of “Total Recall”. The premise is that it’s possible to record a person’s memories and inject them into others, resulting in the person thinking they have actually lived those things.

I wish I could do this with marriage; inject into every husband and wife what it is like to be in a truly great marriage. Imagine feeling and knowing what it’s like to trust and be trusted, to be best friends, to have an awesome sex life, to want and need to be together. If I could give that to people, I think the vast majority of them would do everything in their power to change their marriage. I think most would find they could do things they now feel are beyond their ability. If they understood what they could have, I know most people would be willing to do a lot and sacrifice a great deal.

Of course, I can’t do this. However, I can tell you how powerful it would be. I had the marriage full of pain and suffering, and now I have a marriage full of love, and joy, and plenty of mutually enjoyed sex. I’ve known both sides, and I would half kill myself to have what I have now if I lost it.

Please don’t take the sour grapes approach and tell yourself a good marriage really is not so great. Please don’t think there is anything else that will make up for not having a great marriage, because there isn’t. My suggestion is to go all out, don’t hold back. A great marriage is a prize worth any cost, fight for it with all you have.

And, yes, I know you think she won’t change, and most of it is her fault anyway. I’m sure there is some truth in that, but not as much as you tell yourself. Even if you’re right, you can fight for a better marriage. I’m sure there are women who are so far gone nothing will make a difference, but I am convinced those women are very few.

[This post first appeared July 20, 2012.]

Image Credit: © Alex Photo | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

Making Memories with the Grandkids and Applying it to Your Marriage

by The Generous Husband | Dec 19, 2023 | Aff Link, DateNight, Quality Time, ZIMAGE

Podcast: Download

Subscribe RSS

So Sunday night we took our grandsons out for the annual meal and look at Christmas lights event. This year we added their cousin. So we had three boys from five to ten for an hour plus drive both ways, plus an hour in a restaurant. Yes, we’re crazy.

It’s not something either of us was just dying to do. We’d much rather have had a peaceful meal together and then drive around to look at the lights without constant noise. But we love our grandkids. We also love their parents, who got four hours without them. We’re building memories and relationships, and because we’ve come to understand how important that is, we’re very intentional about it.

The same dynamic should be an intentional part of how you love your wife. You need to build good memories together, and you need to engage in activities together. Sometimes you will be all about those activities, and other times you will do something you have no desire to do because your wife wants to do it. A marriage can’t be strong and healthy without this kind of sacrifice from time to time.

Often we avoid doing things we don’t want to do by telling ourselves we’re too busy. But that’s a self-serving lie that only hurts those around us. Making time for what your wife wants to do with you is making time for a good marriage. Not making time for those things is telling her you don’t care about her very much.

It’s not too late to schedule a date to look at Christmas lights. If you don’t want to do a meal out too, stop for pie and coffee after, or take a thermos of hot chocolate. You should be able to find good lightseeing locations by Googling “Christmas lights in my area“.

Donations continue to come in. But we are still short by a good deal. Can you help?

2023 Year End

You can be a part of us helping marriages by supporting us with your prayers and finances. Thanks, Paul & Lori

Give with a Credit Card or PayPal:

Donate with Check or Bill Pay

Print out our donation form and mail it with your check or money order. Make checks payable to The Marriage Bed. Or skip the form and put “Paul & Lori” in the memo.

Mail to:

Paul & Lori
c/o The Marriage Bed, Inc.
4641 Lyons Hill Road
Springdale, WA 99173

US donations are tax-deductible

Image Credit: © Lori Byerly
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

Love Sacrifices

by The Generous Husband | Oct 12, 2023 | Apply the Bible, Audio, Headship/Submission, ZIMAGE

Podcast: Download

Subscribe RSS

Another look at how Jesus would have us love our wives. I’m going to use a Pauline text for this one, but the idea is certainly found in how Jesus calls us to behave.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ~Ephesians 5:25 ESV

The Message drives the point home well, saying:

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. ~ MSG

I would put it this way: Love sacrifices for the one it loves. This is the hallmark of love. If this is missing, it’s probably not love, and it’s certainly not mature, healthy love.

Of course, there are seasons to this. There are times when one spouse does far more sacrificing. But if that’s the norm, something is wrong. Both husband and wife need to sacrifice regularly.

BTW, when I say sacrifice, I don’t just mean not doing something. I also mean doing something you have no interest in doing because your wife wants it. That means watching a show with her that she really wants you to watch with her. It means rubbing her back when it’s sore, even if you’re exhausted and just want to sleep. It means making time to talk with her when you feel no desire to talk, and actually engaging well. It means letting her choose the restaurant, even though you know it will be one you would never choose. Love says, “I have no interest, but will gladly do that with you because I love you.”

Do you sacrifice for your wife? Do you do it often enough?

Image Credit: © Chris Titze Imaging | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

Love Your Wife Even When She’s Not Loving You

by The Generous Husband | Sep 14, 2023 | Audio, Do It For Her, Series, ZIMAGE

Podcast: Download

Subscribe RSS

Today I am continuing the series on what Jesus said about being a good husband:

You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. ~ Mt 5:43-45a ESV

I hope you don’t see your wife as your enemy, but most of us have felt that was the case at times. Jesus tells us to love our enemies so that we may be sons of God. Does that mean not loving them means we don’t belong to God? The last half of chapter 25 of Matthew does suggest that, but I won’t go that far. Still, loving despite wrongs is clearly a big deal to God, and most of us fail at doing that as we should.

If I want to treat my wife as Jesus has indicated I should, that means loving her when she’s not loving me. It means giving when she’s just taking, and sacrificing when she’s being selfish.

This does not come naturally, and it’s not easy. But it’s what God called us to do, and that is reason enough to do it. Beyond that, I’ve heard men and women say this kind of love from their spouse resulted in them changing and their marriage being healed. I can’t promise you that doing what is right will make your wife more loving, but it might.

Image Credit: © ArtFamily | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.