NoDivorce! - The Generous Husband

Save your friend’s marriage, save your marriage.

I’ve mentioned before the reality that our lives are affected by the people around us, and that our marriages are affected by the health, or lack of health, of our friends. Today I saw a study (abstract here) that takes this to the next level, saying that divorce spreads across social networks.

“We find that divorce can spread between friends, siblings, and coworkers, and there are clusters of divorcees that extend two degrees of separation in the network.“

All of that is troubling, especially the two degrees of separation. It’s scary to think our risk of marital problems – may they end in divorce or not – is to some small degree influenced by our friends’ friends.

“Overall, the results suggest that attending to the health of one’s friends’ marriages serves to support and enhance the durability of one’s own relationship …“

I would certainly agree – anything we do to strengthen the marriages of those around us is good for our own marriages. Beyond that, I would suggest being proactive – be aware of the health of the marriages around you, and if your marriage is struggling, limit the amount of contact with those who have marital problems. On the other side of it, seek to spend time with those who have good marriages, as this will strengthen your marriage.

Finally, for those couples who have very solid marriages, and both husband and wife feel this way, may I suggest that you invest yourselves in the lives of some newlyweds and a few couples who look like they could be doing better? In other words, if you can stand on your own legs well, please help those who need a shoulder to lean on and those who are just learning to walk. If you have a good marriage, there are many people in your life who have contributed to that in some small way – please pay it forward.

Follow Up – Lori Lowe has more on this study at Is Divorce Contagious? Researchers: Yes.

Will you stay married after the kids are grown and gone?

I recently learned that divorce rates in the USofA are no longer growing for all but one group. Among those who have recently become empty-nesters, the divorce rate is still rising with 1 in 6 couples divorcing fairly soon after their last child leaves home. Why would couples who have been together for 20 to 30 years suddenly divorce? No doubt some of it is couples who “stayed together for the kids” but there is more to it than that. More and more people are so centering their lives around their children that they have no common ground as a couple once the kids are gone.

If your kids are still at home, PLEASE start working on being a couple NOW – it can easily be too late when the kids are gone and the problem becomes apparent. Do things as a couple, without the kids, a couple of times a week. Do at least one vacation a year without the kids, even if it’s a weekend a couple hours drive from home. Work diligently to have common interest and friends, and talk about goals so they will also be common.

If you are already in empty nest trouble, I recommend the book The Second Half of Marriage: Facing the Eight Challenges of the Empty-Nest Years by David & Claudia Arp.