Your_Choice - The Generous Husband

Different, Possibly Confusing, But Totally Valid

by The Generous Husband | Feb 25, 2025 | Do It For Her, Her Needs

Subscribe RSS

Today, I want to impress on you that while your wife’s needs are different from your needs, they are just as valid.

When I say needs, I mean what she needs from you to feel loved and cared for. You do want her to feel loved and cared for, don’t you?

We tend to dismiss our wife’s needs because they are different. We don’t understand why they’re important because we don’t understand what’s behind them. We may not consciously dismiss her needs, but odds are we don’t see her needs to be as valid as our needs. And that hurts her and damages our marriage.

Even if her needs are based on fear, trauma, or lack from her childhood years, they are valid. Failing to meet those needs won’t make them go away. She may stop asking, but that doesn’t mean she is less hurt by not having the needs met.

On the other hand, if you meet needs that are based on her past, you put her in a better place to deal with what’s behind those needs. Over time, some of those needs will fade away. And new healthier needs may arise.

Either you meet her needs, or you do not. And why you do or don’t is irrelevant to her.

Image Credit: © alfa27| stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

FF: Applying the S-Curve Model to Strengthen Your Marriage

by The Generous Husband | Feb 21, 2025 | Change, Friday Flashback, Seeing Clearly, YOU4HER

Podcast: Download

Subscribe RSS

Whitney Johnson, a Harvard Business Review blogger, has some interesting ideas I think apply to marriage nicely. In Throw Your Life a Curve Johnson talks about the S curve model for understanding how we learn new things.

You start to do something new to improve some aspect of your marriage, or just to make your wife happier. This could be a change of habit, trying to listen better, a new approach to sex, whatever. You start at the lower left of the curve, in the yellow area of the chart above. You are unsure how it’s going to work or exactly what to do. After you struggle for a while, you get the hang of it, and you start to improve rapidly. You get positive feedback from your bride because she is seeing the rapid change; this is the green area. Finally, you have almost mastered what you’re doing, which means there’s not much room to grow or improve. Your wife may stop bragging on you; you may start doing whatever out of habit without much thought, or you may get bored with it. This is the red area.

Each phase has dangers:

YELLOW: The danger here is giving up. This is the most frustrating part of doing something new. There is little growth, plenty of failure, and little or no recognition of what you’re trying to do. The important thing here is to just keep going.
GREEN: The greatest danger here is getting a big head. Don’t let your success or her praise cause you to slack off here or in other areas. You need to add this to the other ways you meet her wants and needs. Another danger is thinking that you’re owed something (see Say no to Quid Pro Quo).
RED: One danger here is backing off just before you master whatever it is you’re doing. Another danger is slipping into autopilot, which means you won’t do as good a job. You might also get so bored you stop doing it, do it less often, or don’t keep doing it as well.

Do you see any of this in your past when you tried to improve your marriage? Do you tend to drop out in the yellow zone? Do you think too much of yourself in the green zone, or think she owes you? Do you get to the red zone and drop what you are doing to start a new curve?

[This post first appeared Nov 29, 2012.]

Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

Embracing the Whole Package, Quirks and All

by The Generous Husband | Feb 7, 2025 | Friday Flashback, Gratitude, Seeing Clearly, Understanding Her

Podcast: Download

Subscribe RSS

My wife puts up with me.

It’s not that I am a horrible person, but I know I can be a challenge. I see life as an adventure looking for a place to happen, and I feel obligated to make room for as much adventure as possible. In addition, I figure if something is worth doing, it’s worth doing to excess. Case in point, last weekend I spent a good deal of time turning sixty pounds of home-grown tomatoes into 7 gallons of tomato purée. This tied up the kitchen for a good while, and I required help from Lori a couple of times.

My point here is we’re all complex people, and the “other side” of something we like in our spouse can be something we have to put up with at times. You married her because she was so outgoing, but her always wanting to go out sometimes wearies you. She married you because you had the self-control and money sense she lacked, but she gets upset when you’re “stingy”. She married you because she loved how creative you are, but it comes with a messy side that drives her crazy.

Behaviours, personality types, and other preferences have both an upside and a downside. Expecting your wife to remove the “annoying part” while maintaining the part you like is asking something impossible. The best option is to accept the parts you could do without as part of the whole. Focus on the good, and downplay the annoyances. My wife has been greatly enjoying some of the best tomato basil soup ever made. She also says she loves the adventures I get her into, at least most of them. And she is never bored… even if she might like to be on occasion.

If the annoying side is destructive, to her, you, or others, or if it just bothers you so much you can’t ignore it, ask her to tone it down some. But understand it’s part of the whole, and not easily limited.

[This post first appeared Oct 27, 2012.]

Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with stockdreams.ai
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

Holistic Marriage: A Wider Focus is Better

by The Generous Husband | Jan 30, 2025 | Good Marriage, Seeing Clearly

Podcast: Download

Subscribe RSS

As I’ve been thinking about the next iteration of marriage blogging, which will start March 1st, I realised my approach to marriage has become very holistic.

When Lori and I coach a couple, we ask about things well beyond the issue they bring to the table. This is especially true when the presented issue is sexual. Every part of your marriage is impacted by every other part. Your marriage is also effected by your job, other relationships, how much sleep you get, and on and on.

When we have a problem, we focus on the problem, and what we think is causing it. Even if we have the primary cause right, which is often not the case, there are other factors effecting the situation.

Sometimes the solution has nothing to do with the actual issue. Being tired or too busy are examples of this. Other times, the real solution can’t be implemented until something else changes.

I encourage you to adopt a more holistic view of your marriage. It can only make things better.

Image Credit: © gavran333 | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

Unmasking Your True Self For a Better Marriage

by The Generous Husband | Jan 28, 2025 | BecomingYourself, Marriage Killer

Podcast: Download

Subscribe RSS

Unfortunately I feel the opposite, my mask is on at home just to keep the peace. As soon as the door opens my authentic self is gone, and I try not to make waves, stay in the background, etc.. I am more myself in front of friends and people that I know love me unconditionally. Makes for a difficult, but content life. We all give up something. ~ Seen on Quora

I got that in reply to my saying my marriage is where I can be myself. The comment made me very sad for the person who shared it.

I get why people do this, and I know there are times when it seems the best option available. But when you live a lie in your marriage, your marriage is crippled. Or worse. Your marriage will never get better, and it will shrivel over time. You are setting yourself up for divorce or living as roommates.

If you’ve done this for years, changing is going to be difficult, for both of you. But it’s the right thing to do. The best approach is to be honest up front. Tell your wife you have been hiding part of who you are to avoid difficulties. Explain you realise this is bad for you and for your marriage, and you want to change. Ask for grace, and promise to give plenty of the same.

Image Credit: © alphaspirit | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

FF: God’s Design for Her Sexual Pleasure

by The Generous Husband | Jan 17, 2025 | Friday Flashback, Sexuality

Podcast: Download

Subscribe RSS

Sex is not just for men. God intended women to enjoy it too. How can I say that? Because His design leaves no other rational conclusion. While female orgasm is not necessary for conception, the clitoris has no purpose other than pleasure. Additionally, women can have multiple orgasms, their orgasms tend to last longer than the male version, and when they have a good orgasm it is far stronger than anything a man will ever experience.

Sadly, many women are not enjoying sex, or at least they’re not enjoying it nearly as much as they could. There are several issues here: men who do not really try, men who don’t know what to do, and women who resist or limit sex. I will devote a post to each of these.

Men who don’t really try:

It is tempting to say rude things about a man who doesn’t make a real effort to give his wife as much sexual pleasure as she can handle. Certainly, some men in this category are guilty of selfishness, but there are other possibilities:

He has no idea what to do, and isn’t getting any help or feedback from his bride. (See Tuesday’s post)
His bride has shown no interest in sex. (See Wednesday’s post)
Exposure to porn has given him a greatly skewed idea of what a woman wants sexually, and how a woman should react to various sexual situations. If you keep trying what you “know”, and it doesn’t work, you eventually just give up.
He is so sexually starved he can’t see past the end of his own, ah… nose. This isn’t a valid excuse, but it’s easy to understand why it happens. If you have this problem, at the very least, you need to be all about her pleasure after you get your pleasure.
He has bought into the lie women don’t really care for sex much. This lie is still circulating in the church, with both men and women spreading it. If he thinks she is “supposed to” spread her legs and just lie there, he doesn’t even know there’s a problem.
Premarital experience has convinced him women don’t want or enjoy sex very much. Often women see sex as the price they must pay for dates, or to get a husband, and this doesn’t inspire passion or pleasure on her part.
Fear. Yup, just plain afraid of what a turned on wife would be like. I don’t know how common this is, but I’ve had a couple of guys express this concern, saying “What is she starts to want more than I do” or “What if I can’t keep up” or “What if I can’t satisfy her?” If a man sees her enjoying sex as Pandora’s Box, you can understand why he might try to avoid her enjoying sex.
Laziness. In general, women need more time and attention to get aroused and to climax. A man who got used to his own pace during years of masturbation may find her pace frustrating. If he doesn’t understand this is a normal male/female difference, he may think there’s something wrong with her, or think she doesn’t desire orgasm.

If you aren’t giving your wife all the effort needed to make sex fantastic for her, please ask yourself why. She needs and deserves to enjoy sex as much as you do. Don’t be the reason she’s not enjoying it to the fullest.

[This post first appeared Oct 22, 2012.]

Image Credit: © George Dolgikh | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

FF: The Power of Choice

by The Generous Husband | Jan 10, 2025 | Be a grownup, Change, Friday Flashback

Podcast: Download

Subscribe RSS

A full 20% of my posts carry the I_choose tag. Clearly, I see this as a big deal.

Choosing is powerful, and wise use of choice can make your life much better. Some thoughts on choice:

We usually have more choices than we think. For a variety of reasons, we tend to get tunnel vision, seeing only two choices when we have many, or only a few of the many we actually have.
We are often offered less than all the choices. People try to control and manipulate us by offering a limited set of choices; don’t fall for this!
Life is full of false dichotomies. Learning to question two answer choices is one of the smartest things you can do.
Wrong assumptions limit our choices. What we assume can cause us to think a choice is not available, or will be rejected.
Not choosing is actually making a choice, especially if you know what will happen if you don’t choose, or if by not choosing you leave the choice up to someone else. In other words, abdication is a choice, but a very poor one.
Doing nothing is a choice, and sometimes it is a very good choice.
Rushing to choose when choosing right now isn’t necessary often results in poor choices. Taking time to think/pray/sleep on it is always wise. If it is a major decision, seeking the wisdom of others is also a good idea.
What was a great choice in the past can be a poor or bad choice now. Re-examine your choices regularly.
Pride can keep us from changing once we choose. Being able to say “I was wrong” and changing direction is a sign of maturity and self-confidence.
Some choices are beyond our ability, we can’t choose something that requires others to act unless they’re willing to do what we want.
Our choices have profound effects on others, especially those closest to us. What you choose can help or hurt your wife, and can open and close doors for her.

The bottom line is, choice is a very powerful tool for good or harm. Choose often, and choose well.

[This post first appeared Oct 17, 2012.]

Embracing Emotional Maturity: A Call to Christian Husbands

by The Generous Husband | Jan 9, 2025 | Be a grownup, Headship/Submission

Podcast: Download

Subscribe RSS

Yesterday I said a lot of bad marriage behaviour is a result of folks seeking attention and/or respect from their spouse. Then I told you to give your wife more attention and respect, as if you’re the only one guilty in this.

I have no doubt most of you need more attention and respect from your wives. But you telling her that is not likely to bring about positive results. I’m talking to you, and you can change you, so I focused on that.

The other thing at play here is that when both spouses need to change, the one who acts is the one who is more emotionally mature. The less mature spouse waits for the other to act, and then reacts to what was done.

I’m calling on you to be the more emotionally mature one in your marriage. In other words, grow up! As someone who believes in headship, I don’t think we have an option on this. Being the husband God called us to be requires us to relentlessly pursue emotional maturity.

If you want to make a serious run at this, I suggest the book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: It’s Impossible to Be Spiritually Mature, While Remaining Emotionally Immature. I’ve read this book twice in the last decade, and will be doing it for a third time with our life group soon. It’s challenging, but if you work at it, you will grow up a bit. Or maybe a lot. And that will be very good for your marriage!

I went for the audio version this time, but you can do Kindle or old school book if you like.

Image Credit: © FotoDruk.pl | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

« Older Entries