Ever said a few words to your wife that set a negative tone for the rest of the day – or longer? If your words upset her, maybe she misunderstood. Perhaps she is too sensitive. And maybe, just maybe, you were careless – talking without thinking.
If this happens often, I suggest you dissect what was said when it happened and try to find common elements in what upsets her. If you find such elements, you may be able to avoid the problem in the future. If what upsets her are topics you need to discuss, know going in there will be an issue and choose both your time and your words carefully.
If you can’t find common elements in what you said when she got upset her, perhaps it’s more her than you. Try to identify common things in her life when she gets upset: stress, time of day, time of the month, just finished or about to start a certain activity, and so on. Again, if you can identify predictors of her reacting badly you can eliminate, or reduce the problem.
If you can’t find any rhyme or reason, maybe she’s too sensitive. It could be that something from her childhood causes her to be easily upset by certain words or thoughts. Perhaps she is way too stressed all the time. She might be unsure of your love, which could be due to your failure or to something from before she met you. Possibly she just needs to grow up a bit.
If you can’t find a rational explanation, then it’s time to talk with her. Regardless of what the reason(s) may be, if you have already examined your words and some of the more obvious causes of her being easily upset, you will have a head start on dealing with the issue. Try not to frame it as you being tired of her getting mad at you for no reason. Instead, explain you want to work with her to find ways to communicate with her that don’t cause her to feel hurt or angry.
One important difference between an affair and being married is married people sleep together after they “sleep together”.
Yeah, sex is great; but so is sleeping together. Snuggling, falling asleep, reaching a foot out in the middle of the night to feel that she is there, and waking together. All of this is great and very good for a marriage. Beyond that, there’s a lot going on that we can’t see or measure: things that are a result of prolonged exposure to the scents and pheromones of our spouse. Unless you work together, from the same chair, there’s no other way to get the level of exposure you get from sleeping in the same bed. Science is still working out all that it does for us, but it’s becoming clear that it helps to synchronise a couple in many ways, including emotionally and sexually.
Sadly it is increasingly common for couples to not sleep together or for one to come to bed after the other is asleep, and then for the one who went to bed first to get up while their spouse is still asleep. There’s no shortage of reasons and excuses for this, but in many of these situations, the couple is putting other things ahead of being in bed together and that’s bad for their marriage.
Do what it takes to sleep at the same time in the same bed:
Many medical folks are not comfortable bringing up the sexual needs of those dealing with chronic pain, limitations of movement, long-term illnesses, cancer, and so on. It’s getting better, but if you want information on sexual side-effects or limitations you will probably have to ask specific questions. That said, those who are focused on dealing with treatment are not always the best suited, or best trained, to deal with the sexual issues that accompany diseases and their treatments.
Not that it matters, right? It’s not like these patients have any interest in sex or any sex drive – right? WRONG! Sexuality does not shut down because of physical problems and limitations. Neither does the desire to be sexual with one’s spouse go away. In fact, some find sex to be an important quality of life issue that makes it easier to deal with their condition. As Deb Stewart, a nurse and two-time breast cancer survivor said, “If I begin to think I’m less than whole, there’s nothing like having good sex with your husband to say, ‘I’m still alive. I can do it.‘”1
None of this should come as a surprise. Sex benefits our bodies by relieving pain and relaxing us. Sex also aids sleep. Mentally and emotionally, sex is very powerful and can help us feel better. Sex also helps us feel less alone and more connected.
What about problems that affect or alter the sexual parts of our bodies – things like breast cancer or reproductive cancers (in both men and women)? Often there’s fear on the part of the one dealing with the disease that the changes will make them undesirable, or that they are now less “a woman”, or man, as the case may be. If this is not voiced or if it’s not heard by the spouse, it can create significant problems. Many a man has half-killed himself to “control” (read hide) his sex drive out of love and respect only to learn later that his wife took his lack of approaching her as confirmation that she was no longer sexually desirable. The key here is to be clear that you still find your wife desirable and you’re still very much interested in being sexual with her. HOWEVER, you choose to defer to her because of the situation. Talk about it and get a feel for where she is. Some women, and many men, may want to be sexually pursued as it helps them feel desired; others will not feel this way. Figure out where she is and adjust accordingly. Also, realise that where she is may change over the course of treatment.
Some patients want to provide some form of sex for their spouse even when limitations make it impossible for them to climax themselves, and this may be true even if the act results in some discomfort. If this is the case, receiving such “one-sided sex” is actually a very loving act. Yes, you should be concerned about her because she’s going through treatment, but sometimes what is best for her is allowing her to do something for you. This is especially true if doing that something feels like “normal life” or shows her that she can still bless you. Giving is better than receiving, so let her give to you when she chooses to do so.
Many illnesses, and reproductive cancers in particular, can create a variety of sexual problems: pain that makes intercourse impossible, excessive vaginal dryness, lack of erection, limitations on positions or movement, and so on. If you’re willing to think creatively and willing to expand your idea of what sex is, you can work through almost anything. Some of the links below will have ideas to help you with many of these issues.
Below are links to some on-line resources. PLEASE add to this on the comments.
This is a follow-up to last week’s The Power of Hormones post, and is in part based on some of the comments on that post.
A common mistake men make is assuming that hormonally based anger, frustration, or sadness, is all about her hormones. I understand why we do this: the issue seems to go away when the hormones change, and we don’t hear about it again for a month.
However, the truth is hormonal emotions are attached to real issues. The hormones blow whatever out of proportion, but there is still something real there. When the hormones settle down it’s no longer as big a deal, and she may feel embarrassed that she got so upset about it. But there is still a real problem that you would do well to address.
When Lori was cycling, I was able to say to her “I believe there is a real issue here, but you’re hormones are making it seem bigger than it is. Can we discuss this in a few days?” This let her know I took her seriously and promised I was going to listen and work to fix things when she could articulate the problem clearly and calmly.
Some women will take that approach well, some won’t. If your wife won’t then just ride it out and when things calm down ask her about it.
So, I’m telling you that you should spend more time touching her breasts, and many of you are thinking “Yeah, if only”. There are exceptions, but in reality, the majority of women response to proper breast and nipple play with arousal. The key here is “proper”.
Before the how-to, some statistics. Yes, there’s been research on this! In one study, 82% of women said breast/nipple stimulation caused arousal or enhanced becoming aroused, while a mere 7% said breast/nipple stimulation decreased their arousal. Additionally, 78% of the women said nipple stimulation increased their arousal once they were aroused.1
That said, there are some common reasons women don’t enjoy or don’t want breast/nipple stimulation:
He’s too rough. Her breasts are sensitive! The skin is soft and is loaded with nerve endings.
He starts fast and furious. She doesn’t want you suddenly all over her breasts; she wants you to be gentle and slowly work up to it.
He grabs her breasts during the day. I know how tempting they look, but grabbing them when her head is elsewhere is annoying to her, and may put her breasts on the no-fly list.
Past problems. Be it you or someone else, if breast play has been a problem in the past, she may just not want to go there.
He stops too soon. Giving her pleasure this way is a learned experience for both of you. Give it time, both in terms of how long you do it each time you try, and trying many times. She may learn to enjoy it if you give her the chance.
She thinks it won’t feel good. Sex is largely a function of our minds, and our minds can increase or decrease the pleasure of any stimulation. If she doesn’t expect it to feel good, odds are it won’t, no matter what her body is telling her brain. This can be tied to self-image issues, fear about what you think about her breasts, or expectations based on past experience or things she has read or heard.
A few things to be aware of:
Size makes a difference: In general, small breasts are more sensitive than large ones. (One study found that large breasts were 24% less sensitive than small breasts.)3 This means large breasts can usually handle stronger simulation. However, smaller breasts can handle more movement than larger ones. 2
Nipples are the opposite: Large nipples have more nerve endings, and thus are more sensitive.2
Stretching of nerves reduces their sensitivity 3: So if she has large breasts, and particularity if her breasts droop, she may feel more if she is on her back.
Surgery reduces sensitivity: Be it cancer, augmentation, or reduction, surgery causes nerve damage resulting in some loss of sensitivity.
Her hormones change her breasts: Her monthly hormonal cycle can have a significant effect on her breasts. Increased sensitivity, reduced sensitivity, and soreness are all possible. In general, she will be most pleasurably sensitive mid-cycle, with soreness as she approaches menstruation.
Babies change things up: Both giving birth and nursing will change her breasts. Long-term both her breasts and nipples can end up either more or less sensitive, but most of the time pregnancy permanently reduces nipple sensitivity.2 Nursing mothers often don’t want their breasts to be touched, but a minority find it much better when they are nursing.
How to:
Studies have found that the top quadrant of the breast (from about 10 o’clock to 2 o’clock) is the most sensitive 2, so focus there if she’s not feeling much, and go lightly there if she gets overstimulated.
The areola, the dark ring around the nipple, is nicely sensitive, so don’t miss it.
The nipple is not very sensitive to touch. This means it can take a good deal of stimulation, and for some women nipple stimulation is very arousing; in a small percentage of women, it can lead to orgasm all by its self. Gentle pulling, by hand or mouth, may feel good, but twisting should be limited. Brushing over the erect nipples can be pleasurable, and can be done both very lightly or more firmly.
A bit of lubricant on her breasts can make your touch feel even better while reducing the chance of irritation the next day if you do a lot of breast/nipple play.
Start on the outer edges of the breast and work in – s l o w l y. Take your time, anticipation is a great arouser, and delaying an expected touch (of say, her nipples) can be a real turn-on.
Gently (as in not too hard) massage her entire breast. Use both hands if she is large, or one hand on each if she is smaller.
In the shower, wash her breasts – a long, soapy massage.
From behind (spooning, or standing behind her) nibble her ear or bite her neck as you play with her breasts.
Use one finger to gently trace shapes on her breasts. Work in circles from the outer edge in, till you’re making tight circles around her nipple.
Teeth can hurt, use sparingly and carefully. Your tongue and lips are much better for giving her pleasure.
Sucking her nipples will probably feel good, but there’s a fine line between maximum pleasure and “Don’t do that”.
Some women like breast hickies, but most don’t. Find out which she is, and act accordingly.
Soft hands and well-trimmed nails are a must if you expect to handle her breasts!
Breasts are not just for foreplay. A bit of well-timed breast or nipple stimulation can take her over the top in a big way. Doing this is tricky during oral sex, but more of a possibility during manual. Also possible in some intercourse positions,
Don’t ignore them after sex. Including her breasts in after-play lets her know you like them for more than just sex – and that’s important to her.
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This is a tricky issue because all the needed science hasn’t been done. I’m not one of those who thinks “Big Pharm” is out to get us all, but there is no doubt that drug companies, and a lot of others, don’t want this to be true – and if it is true, they don’t really want the word to get out.
Complaints of the pill killing sex drive have been around as long as the pill has, but the claims have been dismissed as anecdotal. Some respond by pointing out that some women have more sex when they go on the pill. An initial increase in sex is likely because sex is easier and there is less concern about birth control failing – this increase in sex has nothing to do with the pill changing the body or the mind, it’s a simple matter of one less hurdle to being sexual. The reality is many of the women who have more sex at first will later complain of loss of sex drive. Others will point out that going off the pill rarely results in a significant increase in sex drive. This is true, but it turns out it’s not proof the pill is innocent, rather it’s evidence that what the pill does may be far worse than previously imagined.
The science below is from a well-done study that was released January 2006(1).
The pill changes a woman’s hormones. Given that our hormones directly and indirectly affect our minds and our bodies, it’s easy to see how this could impact sexuality. The pill does several things that harm a woman’s ability to want or enjoy sex. Firstly, the pill reduces the production of testosterone by the ovaries. While it’s true that testosterone alone does not drive a woman sexually, it’s part of the equation, and when testosterone is reduced it often harms a woman’s libido. The second way the pill affects a woman’s sexuality is by increasing the liver’s production of sex hormone binding globulin (SHBG). SHBG is a protein that attaches to free testosterone in the bloodstream. This locks the testosterone up, making it unavailable for the body to use. Therefore, in addition to having less total testosterone, much of what is left is inactive. Thirdly, the pill contains progesterone – a hormone known to reduce sex drive. A rise in progesterone after ovulation is why most women’s sex drive drops suddenly and strongly at mid cycle. A drop in progesterone shortly before menstruation means some women have a drive boost shortly before their period starts.
So if it’s hurting her sex drive, she just stops using it and everything is fine, right? Sadly not. In studies of SHBG levels, women on the pill had four times the levels of women who never took the pill. However, women who had stopped taking the pill had SHBG levels twice as high as those who never took the pill. So yes, there was an improvement, but the women didn’t return to pre-pill levels. The study only looked at women off the pill less than a year, so it’s not known if levels of SHBG eventually drop to normal. Some doctors and researchers think the body may be permanently changed. At least one research group is looking for a way to reverse this change.
Currently, more is unknown than known. We don’t know how widespread, how serious, or how long-term the pill’s damage to sex drive is. We do know that for at least some women it’s very bad, and the best current research suggests that every woman should experience some sex drive loss from the pill. I don’t mean to be an alarmist, and I’m not giving medical advice here, but I think any couple using the pill for contraception should know the facts – or at least the facts we have.
1 Impact of Oral Contraceptives on Sex Hormone Binding Globulin and Androgen Levels: A Retrospective Study in Women with Sexual Dysfunction J Sex Med. 2006 Jan;3(1):104-13. Abstract More information:Birth Control Controlling Your Sex Drive?
In a study of women who had been sexually or physically abused, massage reduced touch aversion, reduced depression, and decreased anxiety. In another study, women received 45-minute massages five times a week for a month. Before and after tests showed reduced stress, lower cortisol (stress hormone) levels, and improvement in immune system function.
In bulimic teenage girls, massage twice a week for 5 weeks reduced depression and anxiety, and improved body image. Other studies have shown massage improves serotonin and dopamine levels, reduces disruptive behaviour in children, and improves sleep in those with post-traumatic stress syndrome. Massage has also been shown to improve breathing in those with asthma and improve behaviour in autistic children.
Massage is a must for anyone in pain. It raises levels of beta-endorphins, which are believed to provide pain relief. Studies have shown massage is better for fibromyalgia pain than prescription drugs, and of significant help for those with back pain – either reducing the use of drugs or providing pain relief drugs did not. Massage even reduces pain for women during childbirth.
Even more important, massage has also been shown to connect the one giving the massage and the one receiving, reducing mistrust and building a sense of safety and security.
The point of all this is that massage is extremely powerful, beyond what we can understand. Massage can do more to build intimacy with your wife than books, seminars, or hours of communication could ever do. It may take time, but if you regularly give her non-sexual massage, it will cause a change in both of you.
Start small by doing her feet and hands. Do a number of short massages if she won’t go for longer ones. Work up to longer non-sexual massages. If you do it right she may one day ask for a happy ending, but even if she doesn’t it will improve your marriage significantly.
I’ve read more than my share of sex how to books in my life, some good, some very bad. One fault I have with many of them is they treat women as if they are all the same and will all react to sexual techniques the same way.
Many years ago I read one little book which promised to make you such a great lover women would beg to go to bed with you. This guy’s “secret” was to tease a woman almost endlessly. Get her to the brink of orgasm, and then back off. Repeat till she begged to climax, then stop again. You were to finish her only when her screaming for you to finish her was loud enough to risk the neighbours calling the police.
I knew this would be a good way to get my wife to scream at me, but it wouldn’t be the screaming I wanted, and it would certainly not cause her to want sex again. I’m sure there are a few women out there who would find this the ultimate sex, but from what I know today I’d say they are a rare few.
Some women have a very difficult time reaching orgasm, and stopping such a woman when she finally gets there is cruel. She will probably just quit, and even if you manage to keep her going and finish it, she’ll not be happy about the situation. Many women who don’t struggle to orgasm don’t like being teased; when they feel the edge, they want it and they want it right then. Anything else is less than ideal, and possibly very frustrating because it could mean a less powerful climax. Some women do like to be teased, but they have limits. It’s easy to go past fun and enter into annoying and upsetting. Even among those who like being teased, it varies from one time to another. On some occasions a lot of teasing is great, other times a bit of teasing is perfect, and still other times they want to finish the first time they get close.
The lesson here is women are unique, and their sexual tastes are unique. Past activity and being uptight about sex may limit her, but women with no past issues also dislike certain things.
Beyond being individuals, what a woman wants in bed changes all the time. Her hormones have a huge impact on her sexuality. This means what she wants will change over her cycle, and will change when she is pregnant or nursing. Menopause will certainly bring changes. Beyond hormones, how she feels will affect what she wants and enjoys. Sometimes the closeness is the most important thing, with an easy orgasm being a nice addition. Other times she is feeling lusty and a big finish or repeated orgasms are what she craves.
Get to know the wife God gave you, and run from anyone who promises their method will work for every woman.
Teasing Done Right
All that said some women do enjoy being teased, at least some of the time. The first trick is knowing her well enough to know if she is down for being teased or not on any particular occasion. She may not know herself, but if you become a student of her sexuality, you can learn to have a good idea. Often you won’t know it’s a good day to tease until sex is well under way and you can gauge her reactions.
Effective teasing requires you to have a good idea how aroused she is, and how close she is to orgasm. This means learning to read her body. She likely has a tell, something she does shortly before she climaxes. You can learn her tell, or tells, by watching her carefully when you take her to orgasm without teasing. Does she open her legs more? Does her hand do something, or her eyes close? What about her breathing or vocalisation? It may take a while, but once you find her tells you won’t miss them.
Good teasing is best done by hand, mouth, or with a vibrator. During intercourse it’s difficult to judge where she is, and not climaxing yourself will be a struggle.
The next issue is how close you take her. She might enjoy being repeatedly stopped five seconds from climax, but deeply frustrated if you get her a second away and don’t finish. Then there is the issue of how many times to take her to the brink.
Teasing may result in her wanting or being able to handle stronger stimulation than usual. Test this out carefully so you don’t overstimulate her.
When she does climax it will probably last longer than usual, and she will likely benefit from stronger and longer stimulation than usual.
For some women, this is a great lead up to having multiple orgasms. For others, it results in such a strong climax they have no interest or ability to do more. Learn your wife and respect her needs.
Prayer Request and an Opportunity: We were supposed to head back to our home base north of Spokane today, but the area has been evacuated because of fire. Everyone got out okay, and at this point it looks like the property will be spared. Prayers for all those affected by fires and for those fighting the fires are requested.
We have extended our stay in the Puget Sound area and would be happy to meet anyone for coffee. We will be in Victoria BC Canada for the day on Tuesday the 25th. We will be in the Port Angeles WA area Sunday and Monday. Hit the contact form if you want to try to connect.
