Foreplay matters. It matters a great deal. If you want her to enjoy sex, good foreplay is a must.
A well done study found that manual and oral foreplay increased the odds a woman would orgasm. Oral was a bit better, but either will do it. It was found that good foreplay was especially important for low desire women, with oral foreplay more than doubled the chance of them having an orgasm.
Beyond foreplay, position matters. When the woman is on top, or the couple used multiple positions during a session of intercourse, two-thirds of women orgasmed. When the man was on top, that dropped to less than half. That’s a significant difference.
Men are straightforward sexually. Our bits are on the outside, they respond dramatically to stimulation, we climax easily, and we usually give good indications by sounds, movements, and words when we are enjoying what is being done. Additionally, men are fairly similar in what we want and enjoy. Yes, there’s some variation, but not a great deal.
Women are a completely different story. Their bits are hidden, changes in response to stimulation are small and hard to see, climax can take awhile (by male standards), and feedback is often poor or non-existent. Additionally, there is a huge range of what women like, not only from woman to woman but for the same woman one time to the next. It is enough to drive a man to celibacy! Okay, not really, but it can be frustrating.
What follows are various sexual issues. Some of which will apply to your lady, some will not. Most of these have links to other posts if you want more information:
Communicate, communicate, communicate. Nothing else will help as much, and nothing else will make up for not communicating. If you’re the one holding back, get over it. If she is, work on it gently. You need to know what she wants, what she thinks, and what she feels sexually. You also need her to tell you what feels good and what doesn’t, when something goes from feeling good to feeling great, and if it goes from feeling good to not so good. Assure her she won’t hurt your feelings. You don’t have lady bits, so you need her to help you learn how to handle them for her best pleasure.
Just because she is not feeling “horny” doesn’t mean she is unwilling to have sex. Nor does it mean she won’t enjoy sex if you have sex. For men, sexual desire is spontaneous, but for most women, sexual desire is triggered.
Her menstrual cycle affects her sexuality a great deal. You should know where she is in her cycle at all times, and know what it means for her.
The pill and other hormonal forms of birth control have been found to cause hormonal changes that significantly reduce sex drive and pleasure in many women. If your wife is using hormones to avoid pregnancy, this may be a part of any sexual problems you are having. Other drugs, especially antidepressants, can also cause problems. Her doctor may be able to help find ways around these issues.
Because her genitals are so much more sensitive, she’s far more likely to feel discomfort or pain from sex. If you ignore signs of pain, she may stop complaining, which is not a good way to deal with it. Ask her if she ever has pain, and what you can do to help. (Learn why sex can hurt)
She might not want to climax every time. Some women get upset when I say this, while others agree that for them, the “pressure to climax every time” actually puts them off sex. Ask her, and take her at her word.
Her orgasm is not like your orgasm, in a number of ways. Learn how it works for her and you can make it better for her.
Lack of sleep is the primary reason women say no to sex. This in turn is usually a result of being too busy. If you want her to desire and enjoy sex, she needs a sane life and plenty of sleep. (Other reasons women say no)
Sex toys can make sex easier or better. But talk about it before you buy one.
Sex is not just for men. God intended women to enjoy it too. How can I say that? Because His design leaves no other rational conclusion. While female orgasm is not necessary for conception, the clitoris has no purpose other than pleasure. Additionally, women can have multiple orgasms, their orgasms tend to last longer than the male version, and when they have a good orgasm it is far stronger than anything a man will ever experience.
Sadly, many women are not enjoying sex, or at least they’re not enjoying it nearly as much as they could. There are several issues here: men who do not really try, men who don’t know what to do, and women who resist or limit sex. I will devote a post to each of these.
Men who don’t really try:
It is tempting to say rude things about a man who doesn’t make a real effort to give his wife as much sexual pleasure as she can handle. Certainly, some men in this category are guilty of selfishness, but there are other possibilities:
He has no idea what to do, and isn’t getting any help or feedback from his bride. (See Tuesday’s post)
His bride has shown no interest in sex. (See Wednesday’s post)
Exposure to porn has given him a greatly skewed idea of what a woman wants sexually, and how a woman should react to various sexual situations. If you keep trying what you “know”, and it doesn’t work, you eventually just give up.
He is so sexually starved he can’t see past the end of his own, ah… nose. This isn’t a valid excuse, but it’s easy to understand why it happens. If you have this problem, at the very least, you need to be all about her pleasure after you get your pleasure.
He has bought into the lie women don’t really care for sex much. This lie is still circulating in the church, with both men and women spreading it. If he thinks she is “supposed to” spread her legs and just lie there, he doesn’t even know there’s a problem.
Premarital experience has convinced him women don’t want or enjoy sex very much. Often women see sex as the price they must pay for dates, or to get a husband, and this doesn’t inspire passion or pleasure on her part.
Fear. Yup, just plain afraid of what a turned on wife would be like. I don’t know how common this is, but I’ve had a couple of guys express this concern, saying “What is she starts to want more than I do” or “What if I can’t keep up” or “What if I can’t satisfy her?” If a man sees her enjoying sex as Pandora’s Box, you can understand why he might try to avoid her enjoying sex.
Laziness. In general, women need more time and attention to get aroused and to climax. A man who got used to his own pace during years of masturbation may find her pace frustrating. If he doesn’t understand this is a normal male/female difference, he may think there’s something wrong with her, or think she doesn’t desire orgasm.
If you aren’t giving your wife all the effort needed to make sex fantastic for her, please ask yourself why. She needs and deserves to enjoy sex as much as you do. Don’t be the reason she’s not enjoying it to the fullest.
Most men really enjoy sexual intercourse. Entry feels incredible, climax is amazing, and everything in between those are great too.
Most women also enjoy intercourse. But most of them don’t climax from intercourse without some added stimulation.
There are those who say men’s “obsession with penetration” is unfair to women, and keeps them from enjoying sex, or keeps them from enjoying it as much as they should. I’m not one of those folks, but there is a valid point there if you don’t take it too far. When every act of sex includes what we most want, might we be missing the opportunity to make sex amazing for our wives?
If intercourse is always a part of your love making, try excluding it on occasion. Focus on learning to pleasure each other with your hands, your mouths, or a vibrator. And, there are ways to rub your genitals together without penetration that can be very enjoyable for both of you, so explore that as well. Then add what you learn to your regular routine.
If you find she is more willing to have sex when you make it clear there will be no intercourse, that means something. If this is the case, you need some discussion to figure out what it means, and what changes you might need to make.
Let’s talk about sexual concordance. It means that your mental arousal matches bodily arousal.
This isn’t just about knowing you’re aroused, it’about feeling it. Erections tell you that your body is aroused. If you couldn’t feel the erection, would you still know your body was aroused? Beyond that, can you tell if you’re a little aroused, moderately aroused, or extremely aroused?
This is also not about desiring sex. If you’re at the beach and a woman wearing nothing but three postage stamps and some thread walks by, you don’t need an erection to know that sight arouses your body. But she’s not your wife, and you don’t want to have sex with her.
Multiple studies have found men generally have much higher arousal concordance than women. Part of this is the bio-feedback we get from erections. We learn to match what our minds feel with what’s going on in our pants. Women have no such mechanism for low or moderate levels of arousal.
The whole “good girls don’t” thing also plays into this. She may avoid thinking about her arousal, or downplay it because of this.
Another issue is most women have been aroused when they didn’t want to be. Some horny date was making out with her, thinking if he got her turned-on, he could get something sexual from her. If she was determined not to have sex with the guy, she would not admit her arousal to him, and might not admit it to herself.
Ignoring or denying arousal can become a habit that follows her into marriage. The extreme version of not feeling sexual arousal is not knowing she’s going to orgasm until it happens, seemingly out of the blue. This is very rare for men, but many women have experienced it.
Here’s how this can get you in trouble:
If you can see she is aroused, you may think that means she will want sex. If she’s not aware she’s aroused, she might get upset that you assume she should want sex just because you do. Or perhaps she is aware she’s aroused, but isn’t interested in sex at the moment, for whatever reason.
Suppose during foreplay, your fingers tell you her body is highly aroused. If she’s unaware she’s that aroused, and you suggest or just move forward with intercourse based on her body, she may wonder why you’re in such a hurry. Or she may feel you don’t care about her needs. She might decide you’re all about your pleasure and just give up on coming.
Here’s the important bit: her body is not the “right” gauge of her arousal. What she feels between her ears is what matters. She doesn’t want to be a slave to her body, and she certainly doesn’t want you trying to tell her she is aroused when she doesn’t feel it.
There are many positions you can use for intercourse. You can climax with most of them, but your wife can’t.
All you need to orgasm is for the head of your penis to rub against her vagina. But she needs stimulation of her clitoris, and only a few positions will give her that. Some women climax from g-spot simulation, but again, not all positions will provide what she requires.
Even if intercourse isn’t how she crosses the finish line, position matters to her. Her genitals are more delicate than your penis, and much more easily damaged. The wrong position can leave her sore the next day, increase the odds of a yeast infection, or result in a UTI.
All of this means your wife should be veto power over positions. Beyond that, practising lady’s choice is a loving idea.
There was some push-back on my recent posts about using a vibrator during sex. I fully expected that. I’m going to address one of the most common concerns.
One claim I hear is that vibrators get in the way of intimacy. But I also hear the opposite almost as often. So I would guess it’s more about the minds of those involved. And the situation. A woman being unable to climax when she wants to gets in the way of intimacy. A man hearing “I’m not going to come, you go ahead and finish” interferes with feeling intimate. And not even wanting to have sex because it’s just too much of a hassle does not lead to intimacy!
If I give my wife an orgasm with a vibrator, I am giving her an orgasm. I’m using a vibe instead of my mouth, my hand, or my penis. Or, I’m using the vibe along with one of those body parts. I don’t just stick it between her legs and wait for her to come. I move it. I play with her. I tease her. I control the speed and amount of contact to build her to the edge, and then I make a change that I know will take her over that edge. Or I back off, let her cool down just a bit, and start in again, to give her more pleasure. To me, using or not using a vibrator is like the difference between finger painting and using a brush. Both are valid art forms. Some folks prefer one over the other. But in both cases, I’m the artist.
I think some guys worry about not being “man enough” to give their wife an orgasm without a vibrator. As I see it, if a vibe means she comes more easily, harder, longer, more often, or more times in a row, then I need to be “man enough” to do that for her. And when I have done it, she is awash in the hormones and brain chemicals that cause bonding. So as we lay there afterwards, we are experiencing great intimacy.
The other concern I hear regularly is that a vibe will train a woman so that she can’t orgasm without it. I’ll discuss that next Saturday.
