The article When Stressed, Men Charge Ahead, Women More Careful, does not have what I would call surprising news. In short, men and women respond to stress differently, with men acting more quickly and taking more risks, while women hold back. Most of us have experienced this often enough that we assume it to be true. What I find useful about this study is that it found that men and women think more similarly when not stressed than when they are stressed. This is a brain-based difference, so it’s very difficult to overcome.
As the article suggests, dealing with things as a couple during stress is probably a bad plan. Your brains are working in less similar ways when stressed than when you are not. That means talking and joint decision making is going to be more difficult when you’re both stressed. If possible, wait until the stress passes, and then talk and work through things.
I would also think that the way men react to stress actually causes more stress for their wife. Stress causes her to want to slow down, and his faster than usual actions will worry her. Sometimes a fast action or decision is necessarily – but when it’s not necessary it would be far better for the marriage to wait. When the stress passes, she is more likely to agree with you; even if she does not agree, she is not going to react as strongly as she would while stressed.
I don’t talk often talk about headship and submission here. This is a rather volatile discussion in the modern church (not that volatile has ever stopped me) and position seems to takes fire from both sides (not that I’ve ever been stopped by that either). Mostly I don’t have much to say beyond stating my opinion, which is probably why it’s not mentioned often.
However, it fits well with what I have been saying the last few days, and I’ve not mentioned it in some time, so ….
The Bible indicates a husband is to be to his bride as Christ is to The Church. Jesus was a SERVANT leader. In that sentence, the word servant modifies the word leader, and that is significant. The focus is the serving.
You won’t find a lot of examples of Jesus lecturing, punishing, or correcting The Church; in fact, if you remove future tense examples and those where it is God or the Holy Spirit doing the lecturing, punishing or correcting, I’m not sure you can find any. On the other hand we have plenty of examples of Jesus sacrificing for His bride (crucifixion is a particularly horrible way to die), and serving His bride (washing feet was the lowest job given to the most lowly servant – the best modern equivalent might be cleaning toilets.)
So, if you, like me, are of the mind that you are the head of your bride, you need to see that in light of the kind of head Jesus was and is to His bride. (And frankly that is an excellent reason for a guy to want to take the egalitarian pill!)
No blog links this week: Due to travel and a good deal of busyness I have not had time to do my regular blog reading this week. I will, however, pass on a link to the ministry that is the cause of my busyness. Lori and I have been in Orange County California as volunteer help for the annual With This Ring gala. I have mentioned With This Ring a few times in the last few years because I love what they do. Their vision is to “… ensure that radical giving becomes a staple of the Christian community so that others basic needs may be met.” Currently they raise money dig wells for remote villages in primarily Muslim areas of Ghana. This is not your same old giving, this is something radical. It’s scary, but it’s also life changing.
Then they told David, saying, “Look, the Philistines are fighting against Keilah, and they are robbing the threshing floors.” Therefore David inquired of the Lord, saying, “Shall I go and attack these Philistines?” And the Lord said to David, “Go and attack the Philistines, and save Keilah.” But David’s men said to him, “Look, we are afraid here in Judah. How much more then if we go to Keilah against the armies of the Philistines?” Then David inquired of the Lord once again. And the Lord answered him and said, “Arise, go down to Keilah. For I will deliver the Philistines into your hand.” 1 Sam 23:1-4
I see a couple of things in this passage which I think we should do as husbands.
First I see that David did not allow the obvious need dictate what he did. When you realise that David is a warrior, and that killing a problem has worked well for him in the past, it’s very impressive that he sought the Lord rather than just marching out. How often do we hear an obvious need from our bride, and then go marching out without seeking the Lord’s wisdom? What seems logical to us may not be what is right with God, and what seems like the only course of action may not be the only or the best. Even if we do the right thing, doing it too soon can be very wrong.
Secondly, when David’s men suggest his course of action is not good, David does not pull rank. Neither does David try to convince them, rather he double checks with the Lord. Does this mean he is a poor leader? Does it mean he can’t hear God? In my mind, this means that David has figured out he is imperfect. David also shows that he does not see his men as idiots – he thinks their thoughts are worth considering. Given that he knows he can make mistakes, and that those he trusts think it is a mistake, David double checks. What about us as husbands? Are we able to see that accept that we are imperfect and given to error? Do we trust our brides enough to check what we thought we heard when she thinks we might be wrong? Even more difficult, can we do that without getting upset with her?
Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:
Sex Lives Suffer for Sleep Deprived: Married Life from hitched reports on a study that found that 25% of couples skip or avoid sex do to lack of sleep. Your bed, it’s not just for sex!
Who’s Hungry: Annalea atYour Marriage Restored posted a response to my bride’s post “Hungry” which urged women to be more giving sexually. Lori’s post was inspired by my post Bedroom Expectations, and I took it full circle by commenting on Annalea’s post. (If you followed that without a flow chart, I’m impressed!)
