gender-diffs - The Generous Husband

Understanding and Supporting Your Wife When She Cries

by The Generous Husband | Sep 24, 2024 | Her Needs, YOU4HER

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As my wife and I were talking with our 33-year-old son yesterday, he said, “When your wife is crying, you should listen to her.” And Lori said to me, “You need to write a post about that.”

So, here we are.

Some men are unnerved by crying. We don’t do it, or do it and feel bad about doing it. We don’t really understand it, and sometimes we think she may be doing it intentionally to gain advantage or manipulate us. In truth, crying is a natural function, and women are just less repressed about showing tears.

I suggest you consider tears as God’s way of underlining what your wife is saying. It’s a flag showing what she is saying is important to her. So listen up. Don’t be quick to try to fix it, and don’t try to downplay it. Whatever brought on the tears is a big deal to your wife.

And yes, her menstrual cycle can be a factor. But she’s not crying because of the time of the month. She is crying because something is bothering her. She may cry more easily or harder because of her current hormones, but the underlying issue is still something that matters to her. And if it matters to her, it should matter to you!

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Challenging Men’s Sexual Expectations to Improve Sex

by The Generous Husband | Feb 24, 2024 | Audio, Her Needs, Rethinking Sex, XY link, Your Needs, ZIMAGE

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In yesterday’s XY Code, I talked about a wife who basically feels like a receptacle for her husband’s penis and the sexual urges that come with that. I nearly cried when I read her comment a few weeks ago, and it still saddens me. On the other blog, I said most men don’t see their wife this way, and talked about the fact the Bible teaches us that sex is to be mutually desired and enjoyed. Here, I want to address some mistakes we men make that keep sex from being great for our wives.

The big problem is we expect women to be like men sexually. It’s natural to think others are as we are, and recently the world has been telling us men and women are alike, even when it comes to sex. This, of course, is a lie. And it’s a lie that is destructive to women’s enjoyment of sex.

If my wife was as I am, all I’d have to do to get her to have sex is to walk by her naked with an erection. Go ahead, try that and see how it works out for you. I’ll wait, it won’t take long.

We are easily aroused. And we get aroused for no other reason than it’s been 24 hours. For us, foreplay is somewhere between unnecessary and a waste of time. And having an orgasm is easy. Sometimes too easy! For our wives, none of this is true. For them, what’s happening in the marriage outside of sex has a major impact on sex. A long day may or may not kill their desire, but it will leave them unable to enjoy sex. Even when she’s all about sex, it can be difficult to get her body going, and even more difficult to reach climax.

If you want to make sex better for your wife, you have to accept her sexual reality as valid. And to do that, you have to understand her sexual reality. Since every woman is different, the only way you can learn her reality is to ask her.

The next step is to figure out what would make sex easier and better for her. Ask her to tell you her idea of perfect sex. Listen without interrupting, unless you don’t understand something. Then ask her if she hedged what she said out of concern for what you would think, or said what society says she should want.

When next you have sex, make is like what she described. Later, ask her again for her idea of perfect sex, and implement those things. Set your preferences aside and focus on giving her great sex. When she thinks you’ve become the best lover in the world, you can discuss some things you would like sex to include.

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Better Tactics Won’t Make Your Marriage Better

by The Generous Husband | Feb 15, 2024 | Audio, Her Needs, Seeing Clearly, ZIMAGE

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In a recent reading from Bob Goff’s devotional, he said as a kid he learned to wait till the teacher was at the chalkboard to pass notes. He said this was not learning better behaviour, but rather better tactics.

Tell yourself the truth, have you done this in your marriage? Maybe I should ask when and where you have done this in your marriage!

I can think of far too many times I did this. Actually changing or fixing where I was falling short seemed way too difficult, so I found a way to hide or distract from my failures. The rude way of doing this is going on the offensive, attacking one of her weaknesses when you blow it. Or trying to make our actions her fault.

Better tactics may keep us from having to discuss or deal with our poor behaviour and choices, but they do nothing to improve our relationship. How about we stop trying to get away with things, and do what we should to love and bless our wives?

BTW, Goff’s Live in Grace, Walk in Love: A 365-Day Journey is a great devotional, and you can easily pick it up at any point.

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Revving Her Sex Drive Over the Holidays

by The Generous Husband | Dec 23, 2023 | Audio, Her Needs, Sexuality, Your Needs, ZIMAGE

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So yesterday, I told the women on The XY Code to make time to reconnect emotionally, and to also have sex sometime the next few days. And I can hear many of you saying, “If only”.

I sincerely hope you have sex, more than once, between now and 2024. But let me say a few words about why it might not happen, and how to improve your odds.

I told the women to connect first, then to have sex. Most women find it difficult to want or enjoy sex if they’re not feeling connected. So if the two of you haven’t had real conversation or enough non-sexual touching, she’s not likely to be into sex. Stress and busyness are also sex killers for women, and this season is loaded with both of those.

If you can help her with the stress and busyness, and make time to connect fully dressed, she might be more willing to get naked with you. And if that doesn’t happen, be understanding about how the demands of the season damage her ability to be sexual.

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Embracing Your Wife’s Christmas Decorating Desires

by The Generous Husband | Dec 11, 2023 | Audio, Do It For Her, Words of Affirmation, ZIMAGE

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Most women want to decorate for Christmas. Maybe a little, maybe a great deal. I did a bit of Googling and found various opinions about women needing to decorate their home, or feeling empowered by doing it. Some suggested it was her way of claiming a home, or of making it her home. Whatever the reason, it’s a common thing.

Men, in general, are less about decorating. With plenty of exceptions; my father was all about Christmas decorating – every room, every hall, and of course outside.

If you’d be fine with a tree and your wife wants far more, or you really don’t care, and she really does, please see this as an opportunity to love and bless your wife. Encourage her desire, and help as requested. Tell her it looks great, and brag on her efforts in front of others.

I also encourage you to join in. Hang mistletoe over your pillows. Or over the centre of the bed, as you see fit!

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Best Gift for Any Woman – A Heated Mattress Pad

by The Generous Husband | Dec 5, 2023 | Audio, Gifts, XY link, ZIMAGE

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Yesterday, I posted The Ultimate Guy Gift Giving Guide over on The XY Code. I’d love to post a similar guide here for you gentlemen, but I can’t. Maybe part of it is that I’m not a woman. But more than that, I find that what women see as a great gift varies a great deal.

That said, I do have a gift suggestion that will work for most women. Get a heated mattress pad for your bed. If your wife has ever mentioned being cold in bed, this is a great gift.

A mattress pad is a much better way to go than a blanket. Rather than sending the heat up to the ceiling, the pad heats your bodies and gets caught under the blanket. No more getting into a cold bed, and that can only help you heat things up in other ways. Get a bed with dual controls, so you can make yours warm while she sets her side to broil. A mattress pad is a great solution for a bedroom that’s runs cool, or it can allow you to set the thermostat lower overnight. And finally, she can’t steal the pad the way she steals the blankets!

To give gifts that can’t be wrapped, you can use our coupons.
From a massage to a vacation to sex the way she most wants it, you can customise these to say whatever you want.

Speaking of gifts, Lori and I have been blown away by year-end giving this year. In less than a week, we crossed the halfway line. We’ve never finished before Christmas — can you help us do that this year? Big or small, one off or recurring, it all helps us keep ministering to couples struggling with their marriage and/or their sex life.

2023 Year End

You can be a part of us helping marriages by supporting us with your prayers and finances. Thanks, Paul & Lori

Give with a Credit Card or PayPal:

Donate with Check or Bill Pay

Print out our donation form and mail it with your check or money order. Make checks payable to The Marriage Bed. Or skip the form and put “Paul & Lori” in the memo.

Mail to:

Paul & Lori
c/o The Marriage Bed, Inc.
4641 Lyons Hill Road
Springdale, WA 99173

US donations are tax-deductible

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Friday Flashback: The Powerful Sexual Effect of Non-Sexual Touch on Your Wife

by The Generous Husband | Oct 6, 2023 | Audio, Friday Flashback, Sexuality, Survey Says ..., Understanding Her, ZIMAGE

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This is one of the most significant and potentially marriage-changing posts I’ve ever done. It’s simple, it’s easy, and it can have a massive effect on your wife, your marriage, and your sex life. Please take this seriously, and give it a real try.

I’ve often said non-sexual touch is necessary for a woman to want and enjoy sexual touch, and now I have a survey supporting my claim. The survey isn’t perfect – it would have been good to have an, “I don’t want more touch” choice. So this applies to women who want more touch, which other surveys have shown to be true for most wives.

Question: Women – other than sexual contact, what physical touch would you like more of from your husband?

Touching me as he walks past 75.7%
His arm around me 56.8%
Many kisses during the day 43.2%
Shoulder rubs 43.2%
Snuggling laying down 43.2%
Holding hands 40.5%
Back rubs 37.8%
Some very long kisses 37.8%
Snuggling sitting down 37.8%
Full body massage 35.1%
More hugs 35.1%
Laying on him while we watch TV 35.1%
Some very long hugs 35.1%
Sitting closer (on the couch, at a restaurant …) 29.7%
Foot rubs 27.0%
Wrestling 13.5%
Sitting in his lap 10.8%

What jumps out on this is that three-fourths of women said a touch as hubby walked past was something they desire. This is not a difficult thing; it takes almost no effort and only seconds to do. A brief touch on the arm, a passing grasp of her hand, or a pat on the butt if it’s okay with her. Simple, easy, and powerful. Doing this a number of times a day tells her you are always aware of her, always thinking of her, and always desiring intimacy with her. Most women are desperate to feel that way about their husband!
Second, at more than half, was his arm around her. Be it while walking or sitting, this is a powerful form of touch for a woman. I suspect there’s a safe and protected aspect to this form of touch. Additionally, this shows the world you love her, and it makes her feel especially good in public because it tells her you’re not ashamed of loving her in front of others.
A little less than half the ladies cited kissing during the day (as opposed to as foreplay). Trust me on this; it’s almost impossible to kiss your wife more than she wants. You can even throw in some heavy kissing and a bit of gentle groping on occasion if you do plenty of kissing. “Some very long kisses” was mentioned by over a third of the women, so some are specifically looking for more than a peck!
Most of the rest of the options were all chosen by roughly one-third of the women. I think this shows individuality, and means you need to do some trial and error to find what your wife wants and enjoys the most. “Sitting in his lap” was picked by only one woman in ten, but for some of those it may be a huge thing, and maybe a turn-on as well.
The responses on massage are interesting; with shoulder rub being highest rated, then full body massage, back rub, and finally foot rub. Again, this shows preferences. Some women probably selected all four, while others only wanted one. Shoulders are a good choice because it releases pain and stress and is intimate without being in your face sexual. In the second section, one lady commented, “Foot-rubs = Foreplay…..I just can’t get him to realize it! :)” – take a lesson, men!

Question: Women: How do you think more non-sexual touch would affect your interest in sex?

I would feel less used 36.4%
I think I would be open to more sex 33.3%
I think I would want more sex 30.3%
I think I would want a lot more sex 30.3%
I think I would enjoy sex a lot more 30.3%
I think I would enjoy sex more 21.2%
I think I would be open to a lot more sex 15.2%
No change 3.0%

Only 3% of women said more touch would not change her sexually! All the rest said they thought more touch would result in wanting or enjoying sex more.

Forty-eight percent of the women thought they would be more open to sex or a lot more sex.
Sixty percent, said more touch would cause them to want more sex or a lot more sex. Non-sexual touch is clearly a great way to increase sex in a marriage!
Just over half of the women said more touch would result in them enjoying sex more or a lot more. This may not make sense to those of us with male minds, but clearly half the women think more non-sexual touch means enjoying sexual touch more.
The most picked answer, chosen by over a third, was “I would feel less used”. If a man only touches his wife when he’s having or seeking sex, is it any wonder she feels sex is all he wants? This is one of those places where actions speak far louder than words!

The bottom line is, non-sexual touch has a powerful effect on a woman sexually. However, many men avoid non-sexual touch when we feel sexually starved. Now that you know, what are you going to do about it? BTW, if she’s been touch starved for years, it’s going to take time for more non-sexual touch to have a noticeable effect on her.

[This post first appeared June 24, 2012.]

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Declutter to Silence Your Wife’s Mental To-Do List

by The Generous Husband | Oct 5, 2023 | Audio, Do It For Her, Her Needs, How She Thinks, ZIMAGE

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This is a follow-up on yesterday’s post about how clutter affects women. In his book entitled Goodbye, Things, minimalist Fumio Sasaki introduced the idea of the silent to-do list. He suggested that our possessions send us silent messages. Wash me, charge me, water me, read me, put me up, and on and on. Each item demands our attention for upkeep and use, and that can suck the life out of us.

I found this idea odd. But when I discussed it with Lori, she was all over it. She was immediately able to point to several things around us that were calling for her attention. I never knew!

I sort of got it by thinking of a way in which I am similar. I ignore visual clutter, but auditory clutter drives me crazy. As I write this, I am wearing headphones with music to drown out the refrigerator and the dehumidifier. If I didn’t do that, it would take me both more time and more mental/emotional energy to get this post out.

Based on what I shared yesterday, the odds are you don’t have nearly as much of a possession generated silent to-do list as your wife. But if it’s making your wife’s life more difficult, it’s making your life more difficult. Besides, you want to make things better because you love her, right?

Talk to your wife about this concept, and then make changes that will improve her life.

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