FollowUp - The Generous Husband

Navigating Sexual Boundaries with Love and Patience

by The Generous Husband | Feb 22, 2025 | Rethinking Sex, Seeing Clearly

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At the start of this year, I suggested that you Honour Your Wife by Letting Go of Sexual Preferences. I said if there were a couple of things you wanted that she keeps rejecting, you should stop asking for those. I proposed your wife is more important than those sex acts.

Then someone asked, “What if she has a lot of things she doesn’t like?”

I’m assuming this is about a wife who’s willing to have sex, but only does a very few things. So the issue is boredom, not refusal.

It’s tempting to say there are men who would give anything to have regular boring sex, but I realise that doesn’t make anyone feel better.

The problem is pushing such a woman for more will turn her off. She’s doing what works for her. Other things are a problem either because they don’t arouse her, turn her off, or in her mind they’re unacceptable.

My suggestion is to become very skilled at what she’s okay with. And thank her regularly for being there for you sexually. Give her time to feel secure in what you now do. Then suggest something just across the current line. Don’t ask, just say it might be interesting to _____ sometime.

This is the best path to doing more. There’s no guarantee, but if you can be loving and patient, odds are it will eventually move the needle.

NEW FEED: As I gear up to move to Doing Marriage Well, I’ve set up a Bluesky account that will run the blog posts and a few marriage positive “tweets” a day. @doingmarriagewell.bsky.social

If you want to follow by email, you can sign up upper right on Doing Marriage Well. You will receive the last week of posts from Lori.

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Evolving Intimacy: Embracing Change in Your Marriage Bed

by The Generous Husband | Feb 15, 2025 | Rethinking Sex, Seeing Clearly

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The other day, I talked about the need to let go and move on, and what we can miss when we fail to do that. Today I want to apply that to sex.

No, I am not suggesting you need to let go of sex! Far from it.

We generally hold on to what works. And we often keep holding on to it even when it’s not working. And we tend to be especially bad about this when it comes to sex.

If you struggled to find a way of having sex that worked for both you and your wife, it’s understandable to feel you need to guard that. But our minds and our bodies change, and what was great then may not be great now. What was okay then may be not okay now.

I’ve been having sex with the same woman for forty years. It’s still great, and far better than when we started. But it’s not the same. It’s changed over the years many times in big and small ways. Some changes were finding something better, others were finding something that worked because what we’d been doing wasn’t working very well. And those changes are why we both still want and enjoy sex.

If you want to enjoy sex for the rest of your lives, you have to be willing to let go and move on.

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How Marriage Coaching Could Have Improved Our Early Years

by The Generous Husband | Jan 23, 2025 | Get Help

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The other day, I closed my XY Code post by saying I wish on-line Christian marriage coaching had been a thing when Lori and I were newly married.

I thought it might be useful for me to ruminate here how that might have gone for us.

I used to say that when we got married, our only problems were sexual. Of course, this was not true. Yes, sex was the big issue screaming at us every day, but there were other things that needed work. And I know today that working on some of those would have helped us sexually. A good coach could have revealed those other issues, and convinced me to do some work there, even while sex was still a problem.

The other error back then was thinking the sexual issues were all about Lori. She had been both molested and raped, and was struggling because of those things, so her stuff is what we were aware of. But I had sexual stuff too. While I had not looked at porn for years, my sexuality was still poisoned by it. I had issues because of my mother’s attitudes about men and sex, and from the high school girlfriend I messed around with.

A good male coach could have shown me those issues and gotten me to work on them. That would have made sex easier, and would have taken some pressure off Lori, making it easier for her to deal with her stuff.

I said a male coach because if I’m being honest, I wouldn’t have heard that from a woman. I would have assumed she was taking Lori’s side, or didn’t understand how important sex was to a man. This, BTW is why I am real big on marriage coaching being done by a couple. Everyone is represented, it feels safer, and there is someone who can speak each spouse’s language and hold their feet to the fire when needed.

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When Truth Hurts: Navigating Difficult Conversations in Marriage

by The Generous Husband | Oct 1, 2024 | Change, GRACE

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Last week I did a couple of posts in which I said hurting our wife is always harmful to our marriage. Today the caveat.

Sometimes the truth hurts. And sometimes we need to share a truth that hurts. I think some of us are way too quick to share such truths. It’s far better to make sure God wants us to share it, and to do so at this time. We also need to share with as much love and humility as possible. But even when we do it perfectly, it still hurts.

When we rightly share a truth that hurts, it may do harm to our marriage. If that happens, it is hopefully a temporary harm that leads to change and growth.

Be wise, and don’t rush to do something you know will hurt your wife.

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The Cost of Negative Reactions to Sexual Rejection

by The Generous Husband | Sep 28, 2024 | Marriage Killer, Seeing Clearly

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On Thursday, I said hurting our wives always harms our marriages. Today I want to give a real life, bedroom example.

You want sex. You ask if she is interested in having sex. She says no. And you get angry, or moody, or ignore her for the next 24 hours.

Any of these reactions hurts your wife. But they do more than that. They make you seem selfish, or childish, or manipulative. And any of these things makes you less sexy, which decreases her interest in sex in the future. And that harms your marriage.

I suspect most of us can identify with this example. And we could argue it’s a natural reaction. But it being natural doesn’t make it right or good. Being natural doesn’t change how it makes us look, how she feels about that, or that it makes us less sexually desirable.

If you’re trying to make her feel bad, or guilt her into sex, odds are she knows that’s what you’re doing. And that’s even worse for her and for your marriage.

Doing things that hurt your wife is destructive. Learn to do better.

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Vibrators Can Enhance Intimacy as Well as Pleasure

by The Generous Husband | Mar 16, 2024 | Audio, Rethinking Sex, ZIMAGE

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There was some push-back on my recent posts about using a vibrator during sex. I fully expected that. I’m going to address one of the most common concerns.

One claim I hear is that vibrators get in the way of intimacy. But I also hear the opposite almost as often. So I would guess it’s more about the minds of those involved. And the situation. A woman being unable to climax when she wants to gets in the way of intimacy. A man hearing “I’m not going to come, you go ahead and finish” interferes with feeling intimate. And not even wanting to have sex because it’s just too much of a hassle does not lead to intimacy!

If I give my wife an orgasm with a vibrator, I am giving her an orgasm. I’m using a vibe instead of my mouth, my hand, or my penis. Or, I’m using the vibe along with one of those body parts. I don’t just stick it between her legs and wait for her to come. I move it. I play with her. I tease her. I control the speed and amount of contact to build her to the edge, and then I make a change that I know will take her over that edge. Or I back off, let her cool down just a bit, and start in again, to give her more pleasure. To me, using or not using a vibrator is like the difference between finger painting and using a brush. Both are valid art forms. Some folks prefer one over the other. But in both cases, I’m the artist.

I think some guys worry about not being “man enough” to give their wife an orgasm without a vibrator. As I see it, if a vibe means she comes more easily, harder, longer, more often, or more times in a row, then I need to be “man enough” to do that for her. And when I have done it, she is awash in the hormones and brain chemicals that cause bonding. So as we lay there afterwards, we are experiencing great intimacy.

The other concern I hear regularly is that a vibe will train a woman so that she can’t orgasm without it. I’ll discuss that next Saturday.

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Cultivating Meaningful Friendships: A Pathway to Happiness and Health

by The Generous Husband | Mar 14, 2024 | Your Needs

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We’re talking about friends, and the fact that a growing number of men don’t have the friendships they need to be happy and healthy.

When I say friends, what do I mean? I have a lot of friends around the country who I enjoy, but I don’t see most of them often. But there are two couples we connect with regularly by text, and by Zoom from time to time. They are all friends, but only those two couples really count in terms of benefiting me. I also have local friends I connect with one or more times a week.

But it takes more than just connecting. Do we talk about surface stuff, or do we share our lives? Do I know their struggles and fears, and do they know mine? Can they tell when I’m down because they know something is off? If I’m doing something I should not, or am not doing something I should be doing, will they know that? And will they lovingly confront me?

One thing to understand it that friendships take work. If we believe friendships should happen naturally, we won’t have many, if any, real friends. Friendships also cost us. The cost is worth it, but there is a cost.

Those who study this say personality is a factor in how we make and exercise friendships. Extroverts generally have many friendships, with some or most of them being shallow. This is not wrong, but you need one or two of those friends to be close. Introverts focus on a few very close friends. And while this is also not wrong, having too few friends is risky, and can be a burden on them.

Speaking of burden, if your wife is your only friend, you’re asking of her something that God didn’t intend and that she can’t do. I’m all about our wife being our best friend, but we require more than that. And we need some male friends.

If these two posts have shown you that you are friendship impoverished, please do something about that. Do it for yourself, and for those around you.

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey Carlisle | Union not fusion ◄ An important distinction!

Improving Your Sex Life By Playing the Long Game

by The Generous Husband | Feb 17, 2024 | Audio, Rethinking Sex, ZIMAGE

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On Thursday, I talked about learning better tactics rather than better behaviour. Today, let’s think about how we do that with sex.

First, let’s talk about why the temptation to do this is so strong with sex. If you’re not having as much sex as you would like, you probably think about that a good deal. You become hyperaware of things that might reduce the chances of sex. If it’s been days since you’ve had sex, and you have some bad news, it’s tempting to wait and share it after sex. It’s common to hide or downplay things because they will likely get in the way of having sex.

We also do this by finding something that works and sticking to it like it’s a magic formula. That could be how we ask for sex or the type of foreplay we use. And while this is not necessarily bad, it’s going to get old. But when you feel you’re not getting enough, you don’t want to risk doing anything that could mean even less.

Much of this is about losing sight of the bigger picture. We are all about what we need right now, and we don’t think about how we want our sex life to continue and improve over the years. Sex, like marriage, should be playing the long game, making small sacrifices today, so things are better in the long run.

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