Fight_nice - The Generous Husband

Fighting Fair: Argue Without Damaging Your Marriage

by The Generous Husband | Oct 8, 2024 | ~ list info

Subscribe RSS

One of my post tags is “fight nice”. Maybe “argue nice” would be better, but let’s be honest, most of us fight once in a while.

Fighting is not a problem. Some couples in solid, healthy marriages do it regularly. What matters is how you fight, because that determines how you feel afterwards. It doesn’t matter if you think you won or lost if you feel beat up by the horrible things your wife said to, or about, you. Likewise for your wife.

Have you ever tried to back out of something nasty you said with, “It was the heat of the moment, I didn’t mean it.” If your wife says that to you about something ugly she said, does it make feel better? Don’t you suspect she meant what she said, at least a bit?

Then there’s yelling. Some couples scream at the top of their lungs at each other and walk away feeling fine. But some folks, and more women than men, feel violated when they’re yelled at. Unless you’re 100% sure yelling doesn’t hurt your wife, you need to avoid it.

FF: Scorched Earth: When Control Becomes Destructive

by The Generous Husband | Sep 20, 2024 | Be a grownup, Friday Flashback, Seeing Clearly, Series

Podcast: Download

Subscribe RSS

The “scorched earth” or “nuclear option” approach to control is the ugly result of deciding if you can’t be in control, then the next best thing is to make sure your wife is not in control either. It becomes okay, more or less, not being in control because you have ensured she doesn’t have any control. Any hint of control is attacked, and fairly stupid things are done in the name of making sure your spouse has as little control as you have. The methods for doing this are most of the ones I listed in 10 Sneaky Ways Men Try to Control Their Wives and Control Dynamics in Marriage: Common Pitfalls and Better Solutions.

The less extreme and far more common form of this is done selectively; either in a few areas, or only when you’re feeling especially out of control. This form is less obvious, both to the one doing it, and the victim. Think about it a bit, does this explain something your wife does from time to time? Does it explain something you do from time to time? Does it explain some problem area of your marriage?

If you’re on the receiving end of this, study your lady and try to learn to anticipate when it is going to happen. Once it happens, you’re not dealing with her at her most rational, and your best options are to try to de-escalate the situation or just walking away as best as you can. If you realise you’ve done this to your wife, try to figure out what triggers it so you have a chance of preventing it before you get too far in to see or care.

[This post first appeared Sept 10, 2012.]

Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with stockdreams.ai
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

Understand Your Wife by Paraphrasing Her Thoughts

by The Generous Husband | Feb 20, 2024 | Audio, Communication, Spicy Quote, ZIMAGE

Podcast: Download

Subscribe RSS

Someone over on Quora shared something their first philosophy professor said:

If you can’t paraphrase somebody else’s position in a way that they would agree with, you don’t understand it, and if you don’t understand it, you can’t debate it.

What a brilliant statement!

How often do you argue with your wife when you could not paraphrase what she thinks in a way she would agree with? And how often have you fought about something when neither of you really knew what the other thought?

I can recall a couple of times when Lori and I realised, after way too many angry words, that we were actually on the same page. And there were far more times when we weren’t nearly as far apart as we initially thought. We could have saved all that frustration and hurt if we had started by making sure we each understood what the other thought and wanted.

Next time a discussion with your wife is getting heated, say “Just to be clear, are you saying ____?”

Image Credit: © doidam10 via stockdreams.ai
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

Striking the Right Balance Between Acceptance and Advocacy

by The Generous Husband | Feb 8, 2024 | Audio, Good Marriage, GRACE, Her Needs, Your Needs, ZIMAGE

Podcast: Download

Subscribe RSS

Following up on Tuesday’s post, when something in your marriage is not to your liking, you have two choices. You can try to cope with it, or you can lovingly seek change.

Often the biggest issue is deciding if you should cope or seek change. If you always or almost always do either of those, something is wrong.

In a healthy give and take marriage, each spouse lets some things go without mentioning them. And each decides to do this with certain minor annoyances every time those things come up. This is loving and appropriate.

However, if either of you does this most or all of the time, that’s neither right nor healthy. It doesn’t help you build a healthy relationship, and eventually it will result in problems.

Do you confront too often? Are you letting too many things go? What about your wife, is she too far either way?

Image Credit: © Antonioguillem | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

Fight the Adrenaline, Not Your Wife

by The Generous Husband | Dec 12, 2023 | Audio, Do It For Her, ZIMAGE

Podcast: Download

Subscribe RSS

From time to time, I see a couple having an argument on a television show. It starts minor, and then they both ratchet it up until they’re both angry and feeling unloved, disrespected, and deeply wronged.

I’ve always wanted to see one of them stop and say, “I‘m being a jerk.” The other one stops cold. The one who has confessed to being a jerk says, “Please forgive me, you deserve better.”

How would you react if your wife did that? Better yet, how might she act if you did it? You wouldn’t be admitting you were wrong about whatever you were arguing about. You would simply be saying, “I don’t want to treat you like this, even when I’m frustrated with you.” And I think that would set the stage for having a calmer discussion about whatever the real issue might be. Alternatively, you might both realise you have blown the situation way out of proportion and decide to just let it drop.

There are two difficulties with you actually doing this. The first is pride. None of us wants to admit we’re wrong, especially in the midst of an argument. The second is the reality of the fight or flight response. An argument puts us in the grip of that, with adrenaline hyping us up. And once you hit that place, it takes 20 to 60 minutes to return to normal. Admitting you’re wrong in that situation feels like dropping your sword in the middle of a life and death sword fight!

The good news, is you can do it. I’ve managed it a few times, and I’ve seen others do it. And when this becomes a habit, you will do it sooner and sooner in arguments.

Give it a try. Your marriage will be glad you did!

Giving:

Lori and I are still working on our year-end donation goal, but today I want to put another giving opportunity in front of you. The Humphrey family in Rutherford Country, Tennessee has done a lot of foster care and adoption. I often hear those on the left say pro-life folks only care about the unborn. I know that’s not true, and this is an opportunity to prove that. If everyone reading this donated $10 we would more than triple what they have raised. And if you all shared this cause on social media, we could help them reach their goal. To learn more and give, go to https://www.gofundme.com/f/humphreyhome .

Image Credit: © Fernando | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

Friday Flashback: Respond, Don’t React, to Your Wife

by The Generous Husband | Sep 15, 2023 | Audio, Be a grownup, Change, Friday Flashback, ZIMAGE

Podcast: Download

Subscribe RSS

When your wife does something annoying, do you react or respond?

Reaction is about emotion. We react when we’re moved by things such as fear, pride, and jealousy. Reactions can come from parts of our past we haven’t dealt with. Reactions are strong, even violent, and can easily get away from us. Reactions may get us what we want in the moment, but long term they don’t serve us well.

Response comes from our rational mind. It’s thinking, reasoned, and calm. Responses can be based on wisdom, understanding, grace, and love. Responding builds relationships, putting us in a better place with our wife.

You and you alone decide if you respond or react. However, both are habits, and deciding to move from a habit of reaction to a habit of responding will take hard work. At first, you’ll slip up when you’re tired or stressed. Keep at it; you’ll get better and better at responding even in the worst of situations.

Responding is the mature way to deal with things. It’s also the powerful way of dealing with things; those who respond are never at the mercy of those who react. Additionally, those who react are more easily manipulated than those who refuse to react.

[This post first appeared June 22, 2012.]

Image Credit: © Stuart Miles | freedigitalphotos.net
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

Respond With Love When Your Wife Insults You

by The Generous Husband | Sep 7, 2023 | Apply the Bible, Audio, Series, ZIMAGE

Podcast: Download

Subscribe RSS

This is another in the What Jesus Said About Being a Good Husband series. Today, Matthew 5:38 and the first part of 39:

You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. ~ ESV

This verse is not about pacifism, being a doormat, or ignoring physical, mental, or emotional abuse. The slap was an insult. Think of a time when slapping another man meant a duel to the death. Metaphorically, slap means any insult or slight. And it’s not unlimited. Matthew Henry’s commentary says it is about suffering “any injury that can be borne”.

There have no doubt been times in your marriage where your wife has insulted you or questioned your integrity in a way that felt like a slap. The natural reactions are anger or a strong defence. But experience probably tells you neither of those reduces tension or brings you closer. Even worse, going on the attack, returning insult for insult just makes things worse.

Turning the other cheek means letting it go. If she has questioned your love or integrity, you could say “I love you”, or “I’m always faithful to you.” But leave it at that.

If your wife has acted out of anger or hurt, your soft answer puts it back on her. Does she really mean what she said? Is it true? Or does she owe you an apology? If you give God and her conscience a chance to work on her, she may retract her statement.

Of course, if your wife does this kind of thing often, something needs to be done. If she believes what she is saying, you should wonder why she believes those things, and what you could do to show her she is wrong. If you think she says such things to hurt you, then you should probably get third party help.

Image Credit: © WavebreakmediaMicro | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.

Friday Flashback: Our Minds Distort Our Marital Realities

by The Generous Husband | Aug 25, 2023 | Audio, Communication, Friday Flashback, Seeing Clearly, ZIMAGE

Podcast: Download

Subscribe RSS

I was discussing weight loss with a friend who is also working to become less than he is. He commented he thinks he has the opposite of anorexia; he knows he has a good bit of weight to lose, but when he looks in the mirror, he doesn’t see it.

It is interesting, in a rather disturbing way, that our brain can distort what we see when we look at ourselves. If our minds can fool us about how our bodies look, something we should be able to confirm or deny by looking in the mirror, how much more can it fool us about thoughts, feelings, and actions?

You think you’ve been kind and loving to your wife today – but your mind might be hiding things from you. She thinks she was respectful to you when you were out together, but her mind might be distorting things. When the two of you perceive something differently, it’s possible you are both wrong!

Anyone who works with couples quickly learns there are three versions of any interaction between a husband and wife; his version, her version, and what really happened. Which spouse is closer to reality can be difficult (or impossible) to determine. Additionally, our brains distort some things more than others, so sometimes he is close to reality while she’s not in the same zip code, and other times she is close, and he misses it by a mile. We all have areas where we are reality challenged.

The best thing you can do is accept the fact that your brain distorts things, and you can’t perceive the distortion because the mind you use to judge it is the mind causing the distortion. Accept that sometimes you’re closer to reality, sometimes your wife is closer, and there is no way you can know, much less prove, you’re right and she’s whacked! Even a third party may not be much help if they must rely on one or both of you relaying your perception. Sometimes it’s helpful to describe an event as simply as possible to a friend. If you can keep your perspective out of it, they may see something you can’t.

To work on such things as a couple, ask your wife to describe what she thinks is going on, and then do the same from your perspective. This will show you the difference, but it doesn’t help you know if either of you is close to reality. Ongoing discussion and trying to see things as your spouse sees them will help. Even if you don’t see it as she does, if you can learn to know how she will see certain things, you can work to avoid bad situations. Find different ways to do and express things. Look for ways of speaking and acting the two of you perceive closer to the same way. This is far more helpful, and far less aggravating, than endlessly arguing about who has a monopoly on reality.

[This post first appeared June 13, 2012.]

Image Credit: © Ljupco Smokovski | stock.adobe.com
Shop Amazon ♦ Shop to give links page
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.