Last Friday, I gave you a lot of information on how faulty memory can be. The short version is that our memories are not nearly as accurate as we think they are and we have no way of internally checking or verifying how accurate any memory is. It’s like trying to tell if you have a fever by putting your own hand on your forehead – it just doesn’t work!
So what does (or should) this mean to us as husbands? As I accepted the hard reality that my memory was not as good as I wanted it to be, I became far less adamant about details that I remembered differently than how Lori remembered them. At least one of us was wrong, but how could I be sure I was right and she was wrong? Even when I felt sure in a particular instance, I realised it was extremely unlikely that I was right significantly more often than she was. In fact, to believe such a thing would be pride, something God doesn’t seem impressed with.
I have learned to accept these memory differences as minor but unimportant irritations that usually cannot be solved. If neither of us can prove we’re right, then it’s a waste of time to argue about it. If one of us can prove we’re right, is it really important enough to go to the trouble? Occasionally it does matter, not to prove who is right, but because it’s a rare issue where the correct information is important. When it’s possible and important to get it right, fine; when it’s not, why argue about it?
If you’ve taken pride in your memory, as I once did, please pray about it. Are you really an exception? Do you really have a far less fallible memory than the population as a whole? Do you have external evidence substantiating your self-perception? The odds are high that your memory is not nearly as good as you think it is.
Why are so many men blind-sided by divorce? It seems everything is fine, maybe even better than it’s been in a long time, and then without any warning, she leaves. Or asks him to leave, or files for divorce and lets him know when she will be gone or when she expects him to move out. Does this happen because guys are clueless? I don’t think it’s that simple.
As I said last week, most divorces are a result of many, many things over months and years. No one thing is the breaking point, but the weight of many things eventually goes past what a woman is willing or able to deal with. At some point, she crossed a line, and from then on, she was set on ending the marriage. Thing is, she probably had been working to save the marriage, so moving to ending it is something she has to get her mind around. She also needs to figure out what to do and when to do it. She has to have a plan for herself and for the kids if there are any.
Therefore, it will be months or years between when she sees no other way and where she lets him know she is done. Between those two points of time, she’s just going through the motions while she makes her plan. Knowing it’s over, that she just has to walk it out till she gets out, changes how she feels and reduces her stress level. This changes her mood, often for the better. It’s much like the seeming loss of depression, the sudden cheeriness some show between deciding to commit suicide and actually doing it.
What can a man do to avoid being blindsided by a divorce? First and foremost understand what I am saying above. Realise that every person has their breaking point, a point beyond which they don’t care, a point where they won’t go on. Again, I’m not talking about right and wrong here; I am talking about what happens because of human weakness and our sin nature. If you understand there is a breaking point, you can be on the lookout for signs that she is approaching that point. If it’s always stressful when the two of you are together, you’re in a dangerous place. If she has stopped replying, or stopped arguing her side of things, she may be very close to breaking. Some people try much harder as they reach the breaking point, while others pull back; either is a danger sign if it happens suddenly for no apparent reason.
If your wife passes the breaking point there may be nothing you can do to change that in the short-term. Even if you changed everything she thinks is a problem, and even if she believed you had changed, it might not make a difference. If she has gone beyond caring, then nothing will affect her. If this is the case, I suggest a lot of prayer and giving her breathing room. Breathing room might not result in a change, but not giving her that will only prove to her that she is right, that you won’t change and she needs to leave. This is also not the time to push for counselling. From her viewpoint, this is like knocking a child off their bike then telling them they need training wheels.
Sometimes nothing is the best response. However, there are other times when nothing is the worst response. If you are faced with something like this, getting help and input from someone with experience and training can be a marriage saver.
[This post first appeared May 18, 2011.]
In other news:
I had not intended to mention Sheila Wray Gregoire’s new book, but having received questions about it I should probably say something.
When Sheila started blogging, I was very impressed with what she did. I had differences with her in some areas, but nothing that I felt was horrible. Lori and I both linked to her posts regularly and promoted what she did. Over time the sum of small changes in her approach reached the point I was no longer willing to point to her, but that was my personal judgment call. Then she attacked Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. I tried to talk with her privately about this but was unable to do so. I wrote a post about it, without mentioning Sheila by name. Sadly attacking other Christians seems to have become a common tactic for Sheila since then. I have felt much of that was done in an unbiblical manner and some of it seemed to be based on false statements.
Sheila’s new book is more of the same. I agree with Sheila that there are problems in how the church deals with sex, but I don’t think her approach is godly or helpful. I also think she has missed the on-the-ground reality of the average church and churchgoer. I fear she is doing more harm than good. For these reasons, I will not review nor can I recommend her book. For more details on this issue, I recommend Shaunti Feldhahn’s recent public statement, which is well done and very Christlike in its approach.
I would like to not have this discussed in the comments. Piling on won’t help. Instead, let’s pray. If you have an opinion you want to share with me, please use the comment form.
Ever been so busy at work “putting out fires” that you get nothing else done? You don’t have time to see how other things are going and you don’t have time to plan for the future. It’s a trap that usually ends in disaster.
The same thing can happen in your marriage and it can be just as disastrous.
You need to be aware of the bigger picture and you need to be setting goals for the long term. You can get away with ignoring these things for only a short time before it starts to cause problems.
I’m not suggesting you ignore the fires because they can certainly get worse. But try to deal with them as fast as you can and with as little time and effort as possible. Also, learn to know which fires will burn themselves out without causing more damage. Do what needs to be done, but stay focused on the big picture and your marriage goals.
Over on Quora, I see a lot of folks talking about their narc spouse, with narc meaning narcissist. Questions such as, “Why does my narc wife____?” or “How do I get my narcissist husband to ____?” are posted many time each day.
Of course, very few of these supposed narcissists have been diagnosed by a professional. Most are diagnosed by their spouse after reading something online or seeing something on television. Others have a friend suggest the diagnosis, and they run with it.
Why would so many folks be so willing to peg their spouse as a narcissist? That’s easy. If your spouse is a narcissist, then you can dismiss anything they say or do that you don’t like. Rather than dealing with a problem or trying to determine if a complaint is legitimate, you label it as more narcissistic behaviour and ignore it.
Diagnosing your wife with narcissism, a borderline personality disorder, or depression, might make you feel better about how you treat her, but it won’t help your marriage. If you really think your wife has any of these things, you need to get help ASAP. If your wife won’t go with you, go alone. A professional can’t definitively diagnose from a spouse’s description, but they can offer suggestions for dealing with what they suspect is going on.
If your wife really has any of these issues, you really need professional help. If she doesn’t have these problems and you think she does, you also need professional help.
Bottom Line: Don’t make a bogus diagnosis to justify your wrong behaviour!
I recently read a fascinating article on salt and high blood pressure. We all know the first causes the second, right?
Actually, that’s wrong. Several studies have found an inverse relationship between salt intake and death by pretty much all causes, including heart disease. In other words, more salt means living longer – or at least that’s what the studies show.
So why do so many of us, including plenty of doctors, have this wrong? Because folks accepted very poor evidence. First came the 1904 report from French doctors that six of their subjects who had high blood pressure ate a lot of salt. Then in the ’70s a researcher gave rats high blood pressure by feeding them 500 grams of sodium a day. You would have to eat more than two pounds of salt a day to get that much sodium. Some folks are sensitive to sodium, but for the vast majority of the population, there is zero evidence that salt is harmful. And yet we had Congress set very low daily salt levels, and pretty much everyone thinks limiting salt will make them healthier. So much hype with no real evidence.
This is human nature, and we all do it all the time. We make a decision based on what is, at best, questionable evidence. Then once we have decided something, we ignore any evidence that we are wrong. We do this with science, we do it with politics, and sadly we do it with our spouses. We jump to a conclusion or make a decision based on information that may not be valid. We assume something based on an off-handed comment or a strange look. Sometimes we judge our wife based on how our mother or a past girlfriend treated us.
Is anything you believe about your wife not supported by good evidence? Challenge what you believe about her!
I’ve always disliked (okay, deeply hated) the phrase “perception is reality”. I don’t like the idea that reality is dependent on something other than what is true. I suppose I would “fix” that statement by saying “What we perceive becomes reality to us” as this means reality is still based on truth, while an individual’s view of reality is easily coloured by all manner of things which may not be true.
Semantics aside, the sad truth is “perceived reality” is a powerful thing, and those who deny that are going to have problems. Learning to accept that other’s false reality is valid in their mind is critical.
An example:
Shortly after Lori and I married, I said to her, “Do you know I love you?” I asked this as a cute little way of saying I loved her, it was not interned as a question. Therefore, her answer of “No, I don’t” was a major shock to me! I could have gotten defensive, and tried to convince her that I did love her. However, I realised that her not being sure I loved her was more about her, and her past, than about me. I was certainly hurt, but arguing her skewed reality was not going to help either of us. Rather than argue, I decided to work at showing my love, while praying for and urging her to pursue healing from the past wounds that were colouring her perception.
When someone else sees what we know to be truth as something else, it’s easy to be upset. Getting defensive is natural, but it’s not helpful. You can’t change someone’s view of reality by arguing, or yelling, or being hurt. Depending on why they see things as they do, you may have no chance of changing their view… at least not at that moment. Resolving things like this takes time, and patience with a lot of prayer is a good plan. Anger, while understandable, doesn’t help. Being hurt may be unavoidable, but playing on that is more likely to make things worse than to help.
By the way, it took more than a year, but Lori eventually knew that I did, and do, love her.
Lori and I had a little misunderstanding in the car recently. She was on the tablet mapping our drive, and I asked her the ETA Google was showing. When she told me I said that did not take into account the hour we would gain going from Eastern to Central time zone. She replied with something like “I don’t know that.”
I’d already asked her how many miles we were going, and when she gave me the ETA I had done the math and knew the extra hour was not in there. So I was starting a fact, and it sounded to me as if she was questioning if I was right.
We’ve done this dance before, so I decided it was time to address it. This resulted in a few minutes of tension for both of us.
What I learned is that when she is navigating she feels it’s her responsibility to be on top of things like this. She felt she was supposed to verify what I had said, but she didn’t feel she had the information to do that. She felt responsible for verifying what I had said, and since she could not do that she let me know as much.
It seems like a little thing, but we each stepped on the other’s wounds, which injected a lot of emotion. Growing up I was often told I was wrong when I was sure I was right. Growing up she often felt she was being held responsible for things she could not do. You can see how those things got triggered in our discussion.
A few days later we set out to cross into the Mountain time zone. We had a similar discussion about arrival time, but I did the math out loud for her and we avoided any frustration.
A few lessons here:
Knowing your spouse’s past injuries is important.
Knowing and owning your own past injuries is critical.
Addressing a standing problem can put an end to it.
Google does not add or subtract time zone changes from it’s ETA.
Imagine walking outside, unaware there’s a storm approaching, and getting hit by lightning “without warning”.
I’ve talked to a number of men who said their wife asking for a divorce hit them like that. For most of these men, it was not a bolt from the blue. Rather, they were clueless about a divorce storm brewing in their marriage for months or years.
I bring this up for two reasons. Firstly, a few of you are oblivious to a divorce about to strike you. Secondly, far more of you are in a relationship with men who are oblivious to the fact they are living in a storm. If you understand the dynamics of this you can help yourself or a friend in this situation.
Part of the problem is how we interpret silence. A woman complains to her husband for years about something, then suddenly stops. Has she accepted the situation, or has she decided he’s not going to change and it’s up to her to make a change? Has she fallen silent because whatever no longer bothers her, or has she fallen silent because she knows complaining won’t help? Is she committing herself to the marriage, or is she planning her escape?
Another problem is a gender difference in how we deal with relationship issues. Men seem to be far, far more willing to put up with problems that seem to have no solution. We don’t like it, and we wish it were different, but it’s what it is and it’s not going to change so just move on. (Or tune out and ignore it and pretty much everything else about the relationship.) Women are far more interested in fixing relationship issues… even when no fix seems possible. They want the marriage to be good, and they will expend a great deal of time and energy trying to make it good.
Basically, men are more willing to put up with a bad marriage than most women are. She keeps trying. She keeps hoping and investing. When she finally has to face the fact it’s never going to change it costs her massively. Her hope is dashed and all the time and energy she spent trying to fix it is seen as a waste. She turns cold, and she starts to wonder how she can continue in such a horrible, empty, broken marriage.
At this point, some women leave or ask hubby to leave. Most take time to plan. If she feels unable to provide for herself she may seek education or start working or working more. (Please note women do these same things for other reasons, it’s not always a signal she is looking for a way out.) A woman with young children may try to keep going for the kids, with an eye on an exit when the kids are grown.
For the husband in such a marriage things probably get easier. She stops complaining because she has no reason to think her words will make a difference. She gives in more easily because she no longer cares. She might say yes to sex more often just to avoid the hassle that comes with saying no. She might even seem to enjoy sex more as she divorces the physical aspects of sex from her feelings for her husband. She is in “don’t rock the boat” mode, but her husband likely sees it as something else. He thinks things have improved when in reality a divorce storm is building.
If you or a friend are in this place, the situation is dire. Aside from not knowing when the end will come, the longer it builds the more difficult it will be to stop it. Because she’s given up, words will be of no use. Actions may sway her, but it will take significant and long-term changes to get her to reconsider the situation. She has set a course she feels is necessary for her happiness or sanity or both, and she will not be easily deterred from that course. The best approach is to work on being the best man, father, and husband you can be, and keep doing that no matter what.
BTW: None of this should be seen as saying a woman doing this is right. This is about dealing with it, not identifying it as sin. Telling a woman who has decided to divorce that she has no reason or right to divorce does nothing to stop her. If anything, it just makes her all the more determined to end things.
