Bootcamp_Inspired - The Generous Husband

An Attitude of Gratitude

by The Generous Husband | May 31, 2015 | BecomingYourself, Beyond the Marriage, Gratitude, Seeing Clearly

I have recommend gratitude often – most recently in Choose to Be Happy. I’ve told you practising gratitude can make you happier, pointed you to studies showing how gratitude can make you happier (see the bottom of this post), and suggested you help your wife learn the power of gratitude.

What I’ve not done is give you a good tool for practising gratitude. My friend Bil has filled this oversight by pointed me to a Daily Check-in tool, which covers several things, including gratitude.

I know many men are not into things like this. I’ve been the same way myself. I’ve always felt I don’t need to write things down; I know what I feel and I remember what’s important. Recently I’ve seen proof I don’t always know what I feel, and I don’t always remember what’s important. When I was at boot camp last month, I read my notes from the same event a year earlier and it was a great blessing. Some of what I read I’d forgotten. Apparently, men can benefit from writing things down – who knew!

An attitude of gratitude is a great way to improve your life, including your marriage. Writing things down makes the process more powerful. Them’s the facts, you do what you want with ’em.

Related Article: 4 Rituals to Keep You Happy All the Time | TIME

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Current TMB Survey:

Is Sex What You Expected? How does your sex life compare to what you expected before you got married?

Great tweet of the week:

If you only touch your mate when you want sex from them, then your touch will come to mean nothing to them. @pressurepts

Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:

Featured Post – A must read article I saw this week:
rebelauthentic posted Building Castles and Believing Lies ◄ Are you always behind, always playing catch up> Take a minute to read this great little post,

Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart

Your Dying Spouse 9 – Fairness ◄ As a former caregiver, this one is close to my heart.
Your Dying Spouse 10 – Missing You ◄ The dying also feel loss of relationship.
Your Dying Spouse 11 – Blue Days ◄ Another spot on post about caregivers.

Cracking the Marriage Code

Boost Your Marriage Intimacy: 5 painless habits to help your wife feel safe in her marriage ◄ Five star advice here.

Fierce Marriage

Fight Naked! 3 Types of Marital Fights and How to Seek Reconciliation ◄ Good article, but I think fighting naked puts the man at a disadvantage!

The Generous Wife

Daily Prayer ◄ An easy way to pray for your spouse every day.
More to the Right ◄ Give and take in marriage.
Give and Take ◄ Give and take is not all about giving!

Hot, Holy and Humorous

3 Barriers to Communicating with Your Spouse about Sex ◄ If I’d seen this great post earlier I’d have linked to it in yesterday’s post.
Two Words That Could Change the Course of Sex in Your Marriage ◄ You probably need to use these words.

Love & Respect

Episode 045 – Who Makes the Final Decision When You Are Stalemated? ◄ A great discussion on stalemates.
A Beginner’s Guide To Understanding Your Spouse’s Needs ◄ If you have not hear Emerson speak on this give it a listen or read.
The Crazy Cycle: Why We Negatively React ◄ Heard of the crazy cycle but not sure exactly what it is? Here you go!

Stupendous Marriage

Caring for Family Members ◄ A good discussion on a difficult issue.

…to Love Honor and Vacuum

Why the Duggar Abuse Scandal Matters ◄ If I’d written on this, I’d have said about the same thing – but less eloqently.
Why Christians are Losing the Culture War ◄ This fits well with my moral authority post.

My Place in the Story

by The Generous Husband | May 28, 2015 | BecomingYourself

Calling ≠ Vocation

The folks at boot camp made the point we all have a calling, and it may not have anything to do with how we earn a living. Among other things:

You can’t be fired from your calling.
Your calling is how you reflect God.

My calling is to help others have better marriages. Looking back, I can see myself moving in that direction even before I was married. It took me years to see it, and even longer to embrace it. I went through “Is this really God”, “Am I qualified”, and many other concerns. I faced self-doubt, resistance from others, and attacks from the enemy along the way.

Your calling might look like ministry, but it might not. Your calling might fit within your vocation, but it may not. Your calling might bring you a lot of notoriety, and it might not. It likely won’t be easy, but it will feel so right. It might be easy or the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but it will fit who you are and touch you in a deep place. Once you find it, you’ll never want to stop. Our calling becomes a driving force, and we feel a need to fill it.

I started dabbling in my place in the story more than two decades ago. I started deriving income from it about a decade ago, and it became our sole source of income a few months ago. When we started doing marriage ministry on-line, we didn’t intend to make a living doing it. When it became clear our “day job” was limiting our ability to minister, we started working to transition. We are now full-time marriage ministers, and by the end of the year, we’ll be travelling full time to do more of it.

I would like to thank all of you for your part in my finding and living my place in the story. By reading, commenting, and sending emails you have helped me grow into this. Your prayer and financial support have allowed this ministry to go from a part-time hobby to a full-time job. I’m deeply grateful to all who have played a part in what God is doing with us.

Now for “the ask” as those in fund raising say. We still have 31% to go on our current fundraiser. We’re past the point where lack of funds will keep us from heading out this fall, but we still lack some important items. So far, 239 of you have contributed towards this goal. Most of the donations have been less than ten dollars, and it really adds up! You can send a few dollars cash to the address below, or see here to give on-line or by check or bill-pay.

Paul & Lori Byerly
4641 Lyons Hill Road
Springdale, WA 99173

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Do You Know Your Part?

by The Generous Husband | May 27, 2015 | BecomingYourself, Beyond the Marriage, Change, LESSisMORE, Seeing Clearly

To play our part, we must find out part in the story. ~ Someone at boot camp

Off and on this year I have been encouraging you to “become yourself”. Doing this requires two things: 1) figuring out who we are supposed to be, and 2) becoming that person.

Before we can play our part in the story, we must find our part. The apostle Paul put this in terms of us all being parts of the body. If we try to be a part we are not, we will fail. We may also prevent someone who should be that part from stepping in because it looks as if the part is filled.

For most of my life, I’ve been the kind of guy who steps in and does what’s needed. I’m a bit of jack-of-all-trades, and I’m a quick study on what I don’t know. There’s nothing wrong with this, but I took it way too far. I can see how I sometimes prevented a vacuum that would have been filled by someone better qualified had I just waited a bit. At the same time, always stepping in meant I didn’t have the time for all the things to which God has called me.

A few years ago, I started telling friends my new hobby was saying no. It’s not that no became my default answer, rather yes stopped being my default answer. Just because I could do something did not mean I should do it. I’ve become far more aware of “my part”, and doing what God made me to do is now my primary concern. I still help out in “other areas” at times, but only when doing so doesn’t interfere with what I should be doing. And sometimes, I say no because I think someone else should be doing whatever.

Finding your part can be difficult. One good way to start is by identifying things that are not your part. If you’re busy with things that are not your part, step back and make room for what God called you to do to become evident.

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Why We Believe What We Believe

by The Generous Husband | May 26, 2015 | Seeing Clearly, Understanding Her

One of the truths I learned while I was at boot camp is, “What we believe about others is usually more about us than them.” God showed me this during a time with Him, and it hit me hard. Sometimes I’m too sensitive to what others felt about me. It doesn’t generally affect what I do, but it can tie my mind in knots. While I’ve gotten better, I’m still not where I want to be.

Realising what others think about me is usually mostly about them really helps. The usually there is critical because without it I could become closed to those who have truth or perspective I lack. They key is knowing the person speaking to me. Are they mentally healthy and balanced and generally mature? If so, their words should carry weight with me.

The other side of this is realising that what I think about others may be more about me than about them. We all tend to judge others based on our own understanding and skewed version of reality. It takes a good deal of effort and maturity to avoid this. If I want to help others, I must learn to remove my feelings and past from how I react and what I think.

And of course, this is a big deal in marriage. I can see how Lori and I have both misunderstood and hurt each other in the past because of this. I need what I think and feel about her to be about her, not about me!

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When Playing Well Together is Bad

by The Generous Husband | May 25, 2015 | BecomingYourself, Change, Headship/Submission, Marriage Killer

Another nugget from boot camp: “We are all looking for someone whose demons play well with ours.“

I find various version of this on-line, and I have no idea who said it first. I do, however, find it brilliant. Far too many marriages are built on this foundation!

How you choose to define demons is up to you. I would put choices we make because of our past high on the list. I’d also include the things we consider non-negotiable because of past hurts and sins that we refuse to confront. Selfishness in some area would be another one.

Examples of this played out would be two alcoholics getting married (although typically neither would admit to having a drinking problem) or a very passive man marrying a pushy woman. On the surface, these tend to work, but over time problems develop. A marriage built on such a foundation is crippled. Growth is limited, and certain problems will go unchecked and become worse.

Was any part of why you were attracted to your wife because her demons played well with yours? It’s not a godly basis for a marriage, and it should be dealt with – but use great care. Spend time praying and find someone to walk with you as you make changes. I’ve seen some big marriage problems occur when one person deals with their demons and their spouse doesn’t. The truce is broken, and it can get ugly.

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Got Moral Authority?

by The Generous Husband | May 24, 2015 | Be a grownup, BecomingYourself, Faith walk, Headship/Submission, Seeing Clearly

In passing one of the men at boot camp said, “What men lack today is moral authority.“

Wow, what an insight!

We’ve become so immersed in sin and wrapped up in petty arguments that we’ve lost our God-given moral authority.

I think of the battle to “save marriage” which is being fought on several fronts. Most of these fronts include some issue of sexual morality. Thing is, half the men fighting this battle chose to look at porn this year, and more than half had sex before they married their wife (or their first wife, as the case may be). A man who fornicated and currently looks at porn has surrendered his moral authority. His actions do far more harm to marriage than anything the world does.

The same holds true in many marriages and families. Dad wants to stand up and proclaim what is right and true, but everyone knows about his sins. He may or may not admit them, but he’s not serious about ending them. He’s sinning out of one side of his mouth and telling others to stop sinning out of the other side of his mouth.

Of course, this is nothing new. Jesus told us to deal with our own sin before we attempted to deal with the sins of others. We ignore this “advice” and then wonder why our attempts to battle the sins of others never go well.

If we want moral authority, we must start by dealing with ourselves; confess, repent, and let God change us.

BTW: This is also a salvation issue. The blatant hypocrisy of outspoken Christians is a huge impediment to people coming to Christ. After we deal with ourselves we must deal with the hypocrisy of others who follow or claim to follow Jesus. If they will hear us privately, great. If not, the Bible tells us to go as far as telling others they are not part of us. Telling the world “They don’t represent the truth of the Gospel” is both right and necessary.

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TMB Survey Results

Want to be ravished? Most women do, but be careful!

Great tweet of the week:

It is easier, healthier and more rewarding to forgive an offense than it is to carry the weight of being owed an apology. @PressurePts

Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:

Featured Post – A must read article I saw this week:
For Better – Or What? posted A Life Well Lived? ◄ Think long and hard on these questions – than make some changes!

Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart

Your Dying Spouse 7 – Distancing ◄ Natural, but not right.
Your Dying Spouse 8 – Rise Again? ◄ Learning to accept help can be difficult.

Dave Willis

The “secret ingredient” to a rock-solid marriage ◄ YES, we all need this!
The most common mistake in marriage ◄ It’s not what you think.

Engaged Marriage

What Do You Like About Sex? ◄ A great question to discuss with your wife!

The Generous Wife

Off the Beaten Track ◄ A fun way to have some fun together.
How Do You Handle Marriage Mess Ups? ◄ You have a choice.

Husband Revolution

3 Tips To Help Her Be The Proverbs 31 Wife ◄ A thought provoking guest post.

Leading Men Only

Happiness Is Now A State Of Mine ◄ Spot on post and cleave title.
What’s The Key To A Good Marriage? ◄ Are you doing what it takes?

Love & Respect

Episode 044 – My Situation Is Complex, Beyond Love & Respect! ◄ Dr. Emerson argues love and respect always applies.
Is There An Upside To Erupting In Anger? ◄ If you keep denying you have an anger issue I have bad news for you…
The Key To Motivating Your Husband Or Wife: The Energizing Cycle ◄ A good way to make things better, no matter how bad it looks.

Loveseat Marriage

Is Your offense Getting In The Way Of Your Spouse’s needs? ◄ Time to get past it!

Marriage Gems

Take a Hike—With Your Spouse ◄ Nature is good for you, and your spouse, and your marriage.

One Flesh Marriage

3 Things you need to know about struggling with low desire ◄ A must read if you or your spouse struggle with low desire.

Is This the Right Time?

by The Generous Husband | May 21, 2015 | Change, Headship/Submission, LESSisMORE, Seeing Clearly

Yesterday I talked about choosing your battles. Another aspect of this is choosing when to fight a battle.

I used to jump on things as soon as I saw them. Any wrong, any error, I was all over it immediately. This was an inconvenience for me on many occasions. It also meant I might not have all the facts. And of course, it meant I’d not taken the time to think and pray through the issue.

Even worse than all that, I didn’t bother to check with God on His timing. I figured if I was aware of it, I was supposed to do something about it right then. Fortunately, I’ve grown a bit wiser.

One thing I’ve learned, particularly in my marriage, is God often deals with things if I give Him the time. I become aware of something going on with Lori, and after prayer, I feel I should wait. Days or weeks later, I see her change, or she tells me about how God is working with her on the issue. All I did was pray and keep my mouth shut – what a deal!

On other occasions, I make mention of an issue but don’t press it hard. God has used this to bring about changes more than a few times. Very cool.

As I’ve learned to walk in this, it seems I see more than I used to. I think God allows me to see things He’s going to do before He does them. Sometimes I’m a small part of the change, more often I just get to watch. It’s much better for everyone!

I’m now convinced an important part of headship is knowing when to keep our mouths shut!

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Is This My Battle?

by The Generous Husband | May 20, 2015 | Change, Good Marriage

We’ve all heard the phrase “Is this the hill you want to die on?” Let me put it another way – is this a hill on which you want to spend a good deal of time and energy?

Our resources are finite. We have limits on our time, attention, and energy. When we spend any of these on anything, we have less for other things. Choosing which battles to fight is about the wise allocation of resources.

What can get us in trouble is an overactive need to fix every problem and correct every wrong. It’s even worse when we take on things we have no hope of accomplishing. Certainly, there are times when we should stand up and be counted regardless of the outcome, but such actions should come after a good deal of prayer and thought.

This concept has an important marriage application. If you try to “correct” every little thing your wife does differently than you would do them, you burn up a lot of energy and likely upset your wife. Nothing good will come of it and your marriage will suffer. Instead, pick your battles. When it’s a matter of morality or safety, you must stand up. If it’s going to drive you crazy, you need to say something.

That said, if many things fall into “It’s going to drive me crazy” then I would suggest you need to get over yourself. Learn to let little things go; you and your wife will both be better for it.

By the way: One reason some people want to fight every battle in their marriage is they feel they have no power or control. If you fight every battle, check yourself on this. If your wife fights every battle, ask yourself if this is why.

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