A few days ago, my bride wrote My Cottage Garden, in which she talks about her gradually growing cottage garden. She makes a great point about some poor reasons why many of us don’t invest as much in our marriage as we should, and I urge you to go read her for those things. That said, I’d like to make a different point.
I happen to like Lori’s cottage garden – I like the concept, and I like how it’s looking. However, even if I didn’t care, I’d be supportive because this is something she wants to do. This is fun for her, and good for her, and that is all it takes for me to be all for it and as supportive as possible.
There is, however, a danger – getting too involved. This is her thing, and she’s having a blast with it. She cares what I think, and enjoys discussing how it is going and what she wants to do next, but this is not a project she wants to do jointly. Lori wants it to be a reflection of who she is, and if I get too involved, I will spoil it for her. So I am encouraging and available to help, but nothing more. I ran the tiller and helped get the grass out. I lug bags of compost and mulch, and I sprinkle red pepper to help keep the cats away, but I do not tell her where I think things should go. I occasionally mention a plant I like – if it shows up that’s fine, if it doesn’t show up, that’s fine too.
My point is sometimes being supportive means being on the fringe. It means being available to help, but not getting offended if you’re not included.
This is a rewrite of the second most read post on the blog.
This method is good as foreplay or to bring her to climax before, after, or instead of intercourse. She needs to be fairly aroused before you start this, so there should be plenty of kissing, hugging, breast play, and some clitoral stimulation before you move to this.
You want her on her back, with you sitting to one side of her. Your legs should be in front of you and her body should be on the side of your dominant hand. Your hips will be about the level of her genitals along the length of her body. Part her legs moderately and roll them out a bit. You’re going to insert your pointer finger while using your thumb on her clitoris. Bring your pointer up, as if you were trying to pinch her gently between your thumb and forefinger – this will stimulate her G-spot.
Your thumb can move in circles, back and forth, up and down, or press in and release. Try variations in speed and the firmness of your touch. Start with a light touch. Try placing your thumb on one side of her clitoris.
Your finger inside can press or rub. Do circles or back and forth. Vary pressure. Don’t worry if you can’t feel her G-spot, you’re in the right place. If she feels uncomfortable or feels she needs to urinate, back off. The urination urge should pass with time, especially if you give her good clitoral stimulation. Do this often and she won’t feel that urge even when you start.
Find a combination of internal and external stimulation that works well for her. Does she want the strongest internal stimulation (pressing in) to match or counter the strongest clitoral stimulation? Does she want the two at the same tempo or does she want one double the speed of the other?
Follow her lead as she gets more and more aroused. If you’re going to switch to intercourse you don’t want to wait too long as she may find the switch annoying. Ideally, she will let you know when to switch. If you think she is too into it to process that, you can say “Let me know when you want intercourse.” And if she decides to come before intercourse, go with it.
If you take her to climax this way, she may start moving around a lot at the end. Watch how she thrusts and try to work with it. When she comes don’t be shy. Women can be overstimulated, but it’s not as significant a problem for them as it usually is for us. Her climax can be made longer by keeping the stimulation up through her orgasm. If she seems to be moving away from your hand, back off a bit.
If you do this with good lighting you will have a very nice view. Watch how her vulva changes as her arousal level increases and enjoy the feeling of her vagina clenching your finger as she climaxes.
Lists of sex positions often include things that Lori and I call “circus couple positions”. This is because they look like a free trip to the ER unless one person is a contortionist and the other is an acrobat!
Below are a couple of uncommon positions that have a lot to offer with no significant risk of injury. Please be aware these positions are visually shown by the use of “Barbie” type dolls painted pink and blue. Not overly erotic, but probably not something you want your five-year-old seeing.
The Hovering Crab
She is in a “crab walk” position, facing up with her arms and legs holding her up – but with several pillows under her body so her arms and legs aren’t taking much of her weight. Add or remove pillows to change her height. Put pillows under her head, or let her head hang down to the bed, depending on her preference (some claim having the head lower than the body results in better climax because there’s more blood in the brain). You can also play with the pillows to slope her body up or down. Note – be ready to help her stay on top of the pillows when she climaxes.
This position gives you exceptional access and comfort for performing manual or oral sex on your bride. You can sit between her legs with your legs stretched out either side of the pillows, or you can sit on your bent legs.
This position also allows for interesting intercourse. You can kneel with your knees apart and slightly under her legs. Entry may be a bit tricky as the angles won’t be what you are used to. Use some lube and have her guide you in. This position gives her very good G-spot stimulation.
During intercourse, you can easily stimulate her clitoris by hand or with a vibrator. Alternately, she can do the same to herself – and you can watch!
The Clock Face
This one is a bit tricky to get right at first, but not really difficult to do once you get the hang of it. The man will probably need to roll slightly forward to get the angle right for penetration. A pillow under his hip or her rear will change the fit – experiment till you get something that works well. Pillows for your heads will also help and add comfort. You can bend at the waist and get your body closer to her than the dolls show.
For movement, the man can grasp her arm or the top edge of the bed with his downward arm (in the image his left hand on her right arm) and grab her with his upper hand (right hand in the image) in whatever way works – including holding her left arm or hand, or her left leg. This will allow him to thrust well.
The real beauty of this position is that it’s easy and comfortable to maintain for a long time. You can see each other clearly, and your right hand can reach her breasts. Both of her hands and your right hand can reach between your legs and do all manner of pleasing things. Either of you can clearly feel where your body ends and hers starts, which can be a great turn on. With a hand mirror and good lighting, you can each see the point of union as well, which can also be a big turn on.
If you ever have sex position marathons, this is a great resting position. This is also a good foreplay position – getting her aroused while you are inside of her. And of course, you can easily bring her to climax by hand in this position. If she is given to multiple orgasms, give her a few by hand and then have one together from thrusting.
Here are some ideas that can change things up and make sex more fun. Use these as a starting place and come up with your own ideas.
SWITCH: You and your bride take turns doing something enjoyable to each other. You could be manually or orally pleasuring each other, or taking turns being on top, or switching between two other positions. The one who is “receiving”, or less active (on the bottom for example) decides when to change to the other activity, and makes the change known by saying “SWITCH”. The change must then be done immediately.
Variation: If you are switching activities where only one of you is being stimulated at a time, you can make a competition of it. When one of you just can’t take it anymore, and chooses to climax rather than say switch, that person “loses”.
Stop/Start: One of you says “stop” and “start” to stop and start whatever activity you’re doing. This can be a great way to tease each other and prolong sex.
Follow the leader: You do something to your body, or her body, and then she has to do the same thing to the same body. Then it’s her turn to do something, and you have to copy it. This is a great way to learn about each other’s bodies and preferences.
Hot/Cold: You guide her hands to a place on your body by saying hot, warm, cool, cold, and so on to indicate how close she is to the desired spot. When she finds the spot, she is to stroke or kiss it for a set time. Then it’s her turn to guide you. This one is more fun if it’s very dark or you use a blindfold.
Time’s Up: Get a kitchen timer, and use it to set limits or the duration of sexual activities. Set the timer, and then one of you does whatever to the other until the timer goes off. When the timer goes off either something else is done, or one or both of you climaxes (decide ahead of time).
Variation 1: One of you sets the timer, but doesn’t show the other what it’s set for. So, for example, if it’s timing how long manual sex goes before completion, the one receiving has no idea how long it’s going to last. (Agree on short and long time limits ahead of time).
Variation 2: Use a short setting (or get an egg timer) and switch positions when the time it up. Take turns choosing the next position.
Variation 3: Set the timer for an amount of time longer than you usually spend on foreplay, and don’t move to intercourse until the timer goes off.
Statue: One of you poses the other in a comfortable, standing pose. The statue must then be completely still and silent while their spouse touches, kisses, and generally pleasures the statue. This can be timed, or done until the statue moves, makes noise, or climaxes.
Do as I say: One of you verbally directs the other. The one being directed may do only what they are told to do. This is another good way to learn about each other’s bodies and what feels good, especially if you take turns directing each other to manually stimulate yourselves to climax.
Commercial break: While watching something on TV, engage in sex during the commercials. Sex stops as soon as the show is back on.
1 to 10: From the start of foreplay to the finish of sex, one of you indicates your arousal/pleasure level by calling out numbers from 1 (no arousal/pleasure) to 10 (climax). You can both learn a lot with this one, but it’s not easy once sex gets feeling rather good. The one not calling out numbers can reminder the other by saying “Number?” every so often.
Show and tell: Get a hand mirror, and give her a guided tour of her body as you see it. Let her do the same for you.
Faster/Slower: She calls out faster or slower to change your speed during intercourse or some stimulation you’re performing on her. This lets her enjoy more by being more in control, and it can teach you about her body.
Draw again: Each of you writes various acts on identical slips of paper. Fold all the pieces of paper the same way, and toss them in a bowl. Take turns drawing out a slip and doing what’s on it. Set a time limit for each item, or the one who drew the slip gets to say when to stop, or agree on some other way of determining when the next slip is drawn.
Variation: Do a large number of slips, and/or put each item back in the bowl. Continue until one of you decides to do something written by the other to completion.
Honour Bound: Tie something (yarn for example) to the bedposts, or the bed legs, so that you have two pieces that can be reached when one of you is lying in the middle of the bed. The one lying down holds the yarn, and “loses” if they let go. The other then sets out to pleasure the “bound” person.
You can spice up your sex life by adding some randomness with a pair (or more, or less) of dice. A very simple example would be to agree that you will roll a single die at the first of the week, and that is the number of times you’ll have sex that week. Or the minimum number of times, or the roll plus 3 is the number of times you’ll have sex.
You could use dice to determine how long foreplay will last (a number of minutes plus the dice roll, or dice roll times some number) or the number of minutes that you will kiss before anything else happens, or to set the time for anything else. If the two of you like different things, which is normal, the dice could be used to decide which is done first, or which is done for a longer time, or which is done to reach climax. Alternatively, use the dice to decide what body part foreplay will focus on. Or, have extended foreplay by rolling a die for body part and a die for how many minutes. Decide to roll a certain number of times, and do all the rolls before moving to intercourse.
You could also roll dice some of the times or every time, you have sex, to determine what to do. If you want to do this, spend some time working up your chart. Below I have the odds of rolling numbers with 2 or 3 six-sided dice. If you go with three dice, you will get a 9, 10, 11 or 12 almost half the time, so you could put two of the things you most commonly do on those numbers. For example, those could be intercourse with you on top and intercourse with her on top. Also with three dice, 3 and 18 will occur only half of a percent of the time. Maybe use these for something one of you is willing to very occasionally do for the other.
You could divide the upper and lower numbers between the two of you – so for example 3 through 8 are things you choose, while 13 through 18 are her picks. Each of you chooses your six things, and then the other puts them on the chart as desired. When one of you is feeling giving you can offer a plus or minus on a roll: +1 means she is more likely to get something she has chosen, -1 favours your choices. Or the two of you could have a friendly bet on something for a point, or two, on the next roll. Points plus or minus could also be given as gifts, or treats, or friendly bribes. If points result in a total that is off the chart, you can make it the choice of the one on that end of the chart, go with the last thing on the chart at that end, or re-roll.
If you use the dice to determine what sex is going to happen, make it more fun by rolling in the morning for that night, so you can anticipate. If you make a date for a special time of sex, roll when you make the date.
Don’t be too rigid, make some wiggle room. Some folks really enjoy something like this, others have no interest. Try it a bit and see if it’s a fit for the two of you. Be creative, there are many other ways to introduce a bit of randomness to your sex life.
2 dice
3 dice
2
2.8%
– – –
3
5.6%
0.5%
4
8.3%
1.4%
5
11.1%
2.8%
6
13.9%
4.6%
7
16.7%
6.9%
8
13.9%
9.7%
9
11.1%
11.6%
10
8.3%
12.5%
11
5.6%
12.5%
12
2.8%
11.6%
13
– – –
9.7%
14
– – –
6.9%
15
– – –
4.6%
16
– – –
2.8%
17
– – –
1.4%
18
– – –
0.5%
By the way, you can buy dice in other shapes, with 4 sides, 8 sides, 10 sides, 12 sides, and 20 sides. You can play with the odds of getting certain numbers by using these other dice.
So, I’m telling you that you should spend more time touching her breasts, and many of you are thinking “Yeah, if only”. There are exceptions, but in reality, the majority of women response to proper breast and nipple play with arousal. The key here is “proper”.
Before the how-to, some statistics. Yes, there’s been research on this! In one study, 82% of women said breast/nipple stimulation caused arousal or enhanced becoming aroused, while a mere 7% said breast/nipple stimulation decreased their arousal. Additionally, 78% of the women said nipple stimulation increased their arousal once they were aroused.1
That said, there are some common reasons women don’t enjoy or don’t want breast/nipple stimulation:
He’s too rough. Her breasts are sensitive! The skin is soft and is loaded with nerve endings.
He starts fast and furious. She doesn’t want you suddenly all over her breasts; she wants you to be gentle and slowly work up to it.
He grabs her breasts during the day. I know how tempting they look, but grabbing them when her head is elsewhere is annoying to her, and may put her breasts on the no-fly list.
Past problems. Be it you or someone else, if breast play has been a problem in the past, she may just not want to go there.
He stops too soon. Giving her pleasure this way is a learned experience for both of you. Give it time, both in terms of how long you do it each time you try, and trying many times. She may learn to enjoy it if you give her the chance.
She thinks it won’t feel good. Sex is largely a function of our minds, and our minds can increase or decrease the pleasure of any stimulation. If she doesn’t expect it to feel good, odds are it won’t, no matter what her body is telling her brain. This can be tied to self-image issues, fear about what you think about her breasts, or expectations based on past experience or things she has read or heard.
A few things to be aware of:
Size makes a difference: In general, small breasts are more sensitive than large ones. (One study found that large breasts were 24% less sensitive than small breasts.)3 This means large breasts can usually handle stronger simulation. However, smaller breasts can handle more movement than larger ones. 2
Nipples are the opposite: Large nipples have more nerve endings, and thus are more sensitive.2
Stretching of nerves reduces their sensitivity 3: So if she has large breasts, and particularity if her breasts droop, she may feel more if she is on her back.
Surgery reduces sensitivity: Be it cancer, augmentation, or reduction, surgery causes nerve damage resulting in some loss of sensitivity.
Her hormones change her breasts: Her monthly hormonal cycle can have a significant effect on her breasts. Increased sensitivity, reduced sensitivity, and soreness are all possible. In general, she will be most pleasurably sensitive mid-cycle, with soreness as she approaches menstruation.
Babies change things up: Both giving birth and nursing will change her breasts. Long-term both her breasts and nipples can end up either more or less sensitive, but most of the time pregnancy permanently reduces nipple sensitivity.2 Nursing mothers often don’t want their breasts to be touched, but a minority find it much better when they are nursing.
How to:
Studies have found that the top quadrant of the breast (from about 10 o’clock to 2 o’clock) is the most sensitive 2, so focus there if she’s not feeling much, and go lightly there if she gets overstimulated.
The areola, the dark ring around the nipple, is nicely sensitive, so don’t miss it.
The nipple is not very sensitive to touch. This means it can take a good deal of stimulation, and for some women nipple stimulation is very arousing; in a small percentage of women, it can lead to orgasm all by its self. Gentle pulling, by hand or mouth, may feel good, but twisting should be limited. Brushing over the erect nipples can be pleasurable, and can be done both very lightly or more firmly.
A bit of lubricant on her breasts can make your touch feel even better while reducing the chance of irritation the next day if you do a lot of breast/nipple play.
Start on the outer edges of the breast and work in – s l o w l y. Take your time, anticipation is a great arouser, and delaying an expected touch (of say, her nipples) can be a real turn-on.
Gently (as in not too hard) massage her entire breast. Use both hands if she is large, or one hand on each if she is smaller.
In the shower, wash her breasts – a long, soapy massage.
From behind (spooning, or standing behind her) nibble her ear or bite her neck as you play with her breasts.
Use one finger to gently trace shapes on her breasts. Work in circles from the outer edge in, till you’re making tight circles around her nipple.
Teeth can hurt, use sparingly and carefully. Your tongue and lips are much better for giving her pleasure.
Sucking her nipples will probably feel good, but there’s a fine line between maximum pleasure and “Don’t do that”.
Some women like breast hickies, but most don’t. Find out which she is, and act accordingly.
Soft hands and well-trimmed nails are a must if you expect to handle her breasts!
Breasts are not just for foreplay. A bit of well-timed breast or nipple stimulation can take her over the top in a big way. Doing this is tricky during oral sex, but more of a possibility during manual. Also possible in some intercourse positions,
Don’t ignore them after sex. Including her breasts in after-play lets her know you like them for more than just sex – and that’s important to her.
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Ever worry about lasting long enough? Odds are your bride has a similar concern, but it looks different from her vantage point; she’s worried about taking too long.
At best time pressure reduces her pleasure; at worst it prevents her from having an orgasm at all. Studies have found being relaxed is critical for a woman to climax, and worrying about how long she’s taking makes it take longer. Even if she’s able to get there, she may push to climax quickly, and without a good long build up her orgasm is weaker.
So tell her to take her time. Tell her you want sex to last longer, you want to give her the chance to fully enjoy, and you want to learn to enjoy the “journey” as well as the “destination”. (And trust me, the getting there can be fantastic!)
How do you actually do this? Slow down; slow way down. Kiss a lot more before you touch below the neck. Spend some time kissing and touching her breasts before you go below the waist. When you get between her legs, go light and don’t make a bee-line for her vagina or clitoris – touch the inside of her legs and stroke her vulva as a whole. Rather than moving to each “next step” as soon as she’s ready, make her want, even ache for, the next step.
Next, don’t jump at the first hint she’s ready for intercourse. In fact, ignore hints, and when she flat out asks, continue what you’re doing a bit longer. Tell her you’re willing when she’s ready, but only when she is really ready.
If she generally doesn’t climax during intercourse, take care of her first – s l o w l y. Don’t be in a hurry so you can get to what you want; take your time, and let her know you’re going to take your time. Show her, by doing it repeatedly, that you will give her as long as she wants, rather than just barely as long as she needs. Don’t hold her off when she is ready, but teach her you are not in a hurry.
Will all this time of foreplay mean you can’t last as long? While it seems that way, the truth is often the exact opposite – especially if you let her touch you some along the way. Taking it slow can actually help you last. Your body will adjust to the arousal level, and it may become easier to avoid suddenly being too close.
Have you ever written a sexual fantasy for your bride? Something about the two of you, doing something legal, non-sinful, and that she wouldn’t be opposed to doing.
I know this can seem a bit risky – what if she doesn’t like what you find exciting? What if your choice of words, or what you reveal about yourself isn’t to her liking? But there’s also a great opportunity here; you can show her your sexual self in a way you’ve never been able to. To do this write a sexual story in which you share what you’re thinking by adding your thoughts in italics. For example:
Jane removed her bra.
“Much better,” said Dan. “Anytime I get to see your wonderful breasts it’s much better.” He crossed the room …
This can be a powerful tool in helping your bride understand what you really think about her body, and about having sex with her. Sharing fantasies in this way is also a good way to try out something you think might be fun, but are unsure of. Or think she will be unsure of. Give it a test drive with a written fantasy, and then the two of you can discuss how it felt and if you might want to give it a try for real.
Another idea is for one of you to come up with a short fantasy idea, and then each of you writes a fantasy along those lines. You will each learn about the other in this way.
Assume sharing these fantasies will leave the reader in need of sex, and share accordingly. Think of them as a type of foreplay.
A couple of suggestions for avoiding making her uncomfortable with what you write:
Start with some non-sexual information. Lay out the scene, and the motivations. The more detail you give on the setting the better – smells, colours, sounds, textures, and so on.
Be careful with your choice of words.
Don’t use slang that will offend her.
Avoid overly scientific terms that make it feel like a biology class.
Skip silly euphemisms more likely to cause a laugh than arousal.
Don’t use a fantasy as a way of getting her to do something she has been unwilling to do.
Make small deviations from your norm. As you see what she likes, move a bit further.
Changing up the time or location can be fun – such as
You’re a pirate so taken by her beauty you have married her and are trying to become a respectable man.
You’re together on a long space flight, the only two not in stasis for the next month.
She’s a princess who has spared you, a slave, from death – and now has fallen in love with you and is going to give up her position so she can marry you.
