I trust God will understand. I’m not so sure about the neighbors. ~ Papa to Yentl
It’s been over forty years since I saw the movie, but I still remember this line clearly. Yentl’s father teaches the Talmud to the boys in his small Polish town. At that time, Judaism forbade teaching the Talmud to women. But behind locked doors and closed curtains, Papa teaches it to Yentl. The quote above is how Papa answers when Yentl asks why he is careful no one sees him teaching her.
The Bible talks about the weaker brother, and admonishes us to refrain from behaviour that would offend those weaker in their faith, even if the action is not sin. But what we do in the privacy of our homes and marriages is not seen by the weaker brothers and sisters, and we are free to do anything that is acceptable to God.
This applies to what we eat and drink, how we raise our children, and what we do sexually. But while God will understand, some of your Christian neighbours may not. Be careful lest you offered those of weaker faith.
So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who does not condemn himself by what he approves. ~ Romans 14:22 NIV
I’ve come to the conclusion that there is one single cause for all divorces and unhappy marriages:
We fail to do what we should because of selfishness. We do things we should not because of selfishness. We withhold grace and forgiveness because of selfishness.
We may blame what we do wrong on our wife’s selfishness. And while that will often be valid, we could instead deal with our selfish response to her selfishness.
The good news in this is the way to a better marriage is simple: work on being less selfish. Do please note that generosity is the opposite of selfishness.
Valentine’s is over. But the need for your wife to know you love her is not.
This week, buy her flowers or candy. Send her a loving text. Take her out for the evening, or serve her breakfast in bed. Do this no matter what you did or did not do for Valentine’s.
The other day, I talked about the need to let go and move on, and what we can miss when we fail to do that. Today I want to apply that to sex.
No, I am not suggesting you need to let go of sex! Far from it.
We generally hold on to what works. And we often keep holding on to it even when it’s not working. And we tend to be especially bad about this when it comes to sex.
If you struggled to find a way of having sex that worked for both you and your wife, it’s understandable to feel you need to guard that. But our minds and our bodies change, and what was great then may not be great now. What was okay then may be not okay now.
I’ve been having sex with the same woman for forty years. It’s still great, and far better than when we started. But it’s not the same. It’s changed over the years many times in big and small ways. Some changes were finding something better, others were finding something that worked because what we’d been doing wasn’t working very well. And those changes are why we both still want and enjoy sex.
If you want to enjoy sex for the rest of your lives, you have to be willing to let go and move on.
Have you ever tried the “ask for sex every night” approach, figuring the more often you ask, the more often she will say yes? Or, maybe you have no idea why she says yes or no, so you figure you should ask all the time so you don’t miss an occasion when she might say yes. Basically fire blindly and hoping you hit the target occasionally!
I’ve been there, I’ve done that, and I found it didn’t work so well. If you think about it, why would it? If your wife, or your child, or anyone else, did the same to you over something, don’t you think you would come to resent it? Might you feel so nagged you would start to say no just out of annoyance? What’s more, if they asked when you were clearly busy, or over worked, or just so tired you couldn’t stand it, how would you feel about them for being so inconsiderate?
Why would your daily requests for sex be received any differently?
Yes, I know you’re not getting enough, and asking less when you want more seems counter-productive. However, if you think about what I said above, you should see why better targeting your asking could result in more sex and less aggravation for both of you.
The key here is to figure out when/why she says no. It may seem completely random, but it is not. The problem is there are a number of factors involved, so it is a difficult formula to decipher.
Time of month is huge if she is not pregnant, past menopause, or on hormonal contraceptives. She should be most receptive (if not chasing you) around ovulation, which is 14 days before her next period. The week before that, she is likely to be more receptive than at other times. After she ovulates, she is less receptive. Just before and during menstruation varies from women to woman.
Tiredness, from lack of sleep, is probably the next biggest factor.
Stress from a long day, and ongoing stress, are also big factors.
How well she has connected with you the last 24 to 36 hours is important. Remember, her love language determines how she feels loved and connected.
There are plenty of other factors, well beyond what I can list here. Start thinking about it; make notes about the 24 hours before when she says yes, and likewise when she says no. Record as much as possible and you should start to find patterns. Does she always say no on laundry day, or after taking the kids to some specific event? Is she likely to say yes when she gets some quiet time in the evening, or the day after a date with you? Keep playing detective, and you should find the clues needed to learn when asking is a waste of time (and a good way to aggravate her) and when your odds are better. I realise not asking doesn’t help you directly, but if it makes her feel less exhausted about sex, that’s good for both of you.
Some folks worry about what’s average, and if they measure up.
Here’s the thing: the average person is overweight and not getting nearly enough exercise. The average Christian is falling short of what Jesus called us to do. The average number of lifetime sexual partners in the US is 10.7. And the average couple is deep in debt, too busy, too stressed, and has a forty percent chance of ending up divorced.
Most of what is average is unhealthy, wrong, and possibly sin. If nothing else, average is setting the bar way, way too low.
God calls us to be in the world, but not of it. What the world sees as average, acceptable, or even good is irrelevant. God calls us to way more. If your marriage isn’t great or moving that way, it’s not what God wants for you. I say that to challenge you, not shame you. An “okay marriage” is not okay with God.
If your marriage isn’t what it should be, what are you going to do about it? Are you willing to put in the effort to be kinder, more generous, and to give more grace? Are you ready to forgive and move on? Are you ready to seek help? We tend to think of getting help as something we do when it’s horrible. The reality is, improving is way easier than fixing.
The end of this month, I will stop doing The Generous Husband blog, after almost 24 years. I know it’s time, but I’ve still had a hard time letting go and moving on. I made plans for the next thing, but didn’t initially feel much passion for it.
Slowly I made peace with the change, grieved, and started to focus on Doing Marriage Well. And as I have done that, have become excited about where I’m going next.
TGH hasn’t been static over the years, but it has remained mostly in the box it was created in. And that has limited me. It’s kept me from reaching out to couples as couples. Adding The XY Code allowed me to speak to wives, but it was still not dealing with couples.
Doing Marriage Well will be sort of coaching via blog. I think it will be more powerful and will bring about far more positive growth and change. And I would have missed that had I been unwilling to let go and move on.
Where in your life, and your marriage, are you missing out on something good because you’ve been unwilling to let go and move on?
If you want to join me on my next venture, you can go to Doing Marriage Well and sign up for emails in the upper right corner. Lori is blogging there till the end of the month, but her stuff is well worth your time!
