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Have you ever not asked for sex because you know you have not earned it? 

Either you have not done what you think you must to be entitled to sex, or you think you have done too many of the things that mean you don’t deserve sex.

I suppose there are women who function this way, but it’s not the norm. Reducing sex to a transaction cheats both of you.

You should be doing the things she likes, and avoiding the things she dislikes, out of love. Regardless of what is or is not happening in the bedroom. I realise it’s much easier to do that when you’re having regular, good sex. That’s human nature. But like much of human nature, you need to fight it and do better.

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Couples deal with their mutual desire for control in a variety of ways, most of which are poor solutions, not resulting in either being very happy with the situation.

• My side, your side: Life is divided into areas, with each area being under the control of one spouse. He’s king of the garage; she’s queen of the kitchen. He handles the bills; she handles the social calendar. Suggestions are ignored, and help is not offered. Each wants more control in some area where their spouse “rules” but is unwilling to reciprocate by giving up control of in any of the areas where they “rule”.

• That’s your responsibility: An even less nice version of the above, where we deal with something we don’t want to do by assigning it to our spouse as their duty. Men did this for centuries, making certain things “women’s work”. This becomes a matter of control that limits her time and energy. While it is not as bad as it used to be, this is not dead. And women do it too.
• Tit for tat: This is punishing our spouse when they exercise what we see as too much control. This could look like some of the things I mentioned last week. Tit for tat can also be excessive complaining, or doing little things to retaliate; things like “forgetting” something or losing something, or otherwise making her “pay” for overstepping the bounds you would like her to follow.
• Now you see it, now you don’t: You want it one way, she wants it another, and you each keep changing it. You want an item in one place, she wants it in another, and you each keep putting it where you want it.

Does your marriage have bad compromises or silly games because of unresolved control issues? A lot of poor control “solutions” are less obvious than what I have listed, so you may have to think a bit.

[This post first appeared Sept 07, 2012.]

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I rarely suggest you keep secrets from your wife, but I’d like to suggest you make a secret honey do list.

Use it to make sure you do the things she wants and needs from you.

In addition to the things she has asked you to do, list things you know would bless her. So that could be flowers twice a month, or ten hugs a day, or three after dinner walks a week. As you do these things, mark them off. Check regularly to see where you are falling short.

If you are handy with a smartphone, you can automate this, and even set reminders. There are a number of apps that can help with this. Look for one that does recurring tasks.

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