Year of Margin - The Generous Husband

Is “Too Busy” Part Of Your Identity?

by The Generous Husband | May 23, 2019 | Beyond the Marriage, Big Deal Post, Margin, Seeing Clearly, Year of Margin, ZIMAGE

I think some of us wear “too busy” as a badge of honour. It means we’re important or at least it proves we’re not lazy.

The truth is those who get the most done and make the most of life are not horribly busy. They have set sane priorities and they stick to those priorities. That means they have the time they need for work, the time they need for friends, and the time they need for family. The most successful folks in this world know how to say no and they say it often. They understand that saying no means they can say yes to what is really important. This is the heart of margin and it’s something we all need to understand.

Busy is not a good thing. Busy does not lead to productivity, happiness, or good relationships. Studies find that those who consistently do 50 hours of work a week accomplish less than those who stop at 35 or 40 hours. Why would anyone want to put in more hours to accomplish less? What kind of insanity makes that seem like a good idea?

I realise the world, in general, thinks busy is a good thing. Your boss may also feel that way. Getting from here to there may not be easy. It may require some significant changes and sacrifices. But it’s the right, sane, and healthy thing to do, so go for it!

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Are You Too Busy For A Future?

by The Generous Husband | May 22, 2019 | Big Deal Post, Her Needs, LESSisMORE, Margin, Sharing Life, Year of Margin, Your Needs, ZIMAGE

Do you want a future that you have helped shape, or do you want a future that just happens to you? None of us can truly control what our future will look like, but we can influence it a great deal if we make the effort.

Sadly, many of us are too busy with today to think about five years from now. We have some idea what we would like, but we don’t have time to do the things that will make those dreams happen.

As I approach 60, I can tell you the latter years of our lives can be very good. Grandchildren are a joy and slowing down means more time to enjoy family, friends, and God’s beautiful creation. It can be a time of increasing happiness and contentment. On the other hand, it can also be a time of dealing with the disasters you set in motion years or decades earlier.

One of the many factors here is your marriage. I find my relationship with Lori an increasing source of joy. Sharing my life with her is more fun every passing year. But I doubt it would be that way if I’d been too busy for her in the past. I’m glad I’m adding onto what we have built rather than trying to fix messes we made when we were younger.

Your actions today affect your future. What you don’t do also affects it. Choose well!

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Are You Too Busy For Kindness?

by The Generous Husband | May 21, 2019 | Big Deal Post, Communication, Margin, Marriage Killer, Year of Margin, ZIMAGE

I find that my ability (or willingness if I’m brutally honest) to be kind is inversely related to how busy I am.

The busier I am, the less time I have for being nice, gracious, or generous. The amount of grace I’m willing to offer goes down as my workload goes up. Giving the benefit of the doubt or a second chance isn’t going to happen when I’m too busy.

Since this is human nature, most folks make some allowance for being this way if it happens once in a while. But when we’re always busy and thus always unwilling to offer kindness et. al., the allowance falls away.

Lack of kindness is a cancer that eats away at a marriage, slowly killing it. And it may be too late to fix it when the effects become clearly evident. This is one of the ways being busy can destroy your marriage. If you’re too busy to be kind, you’re too busy!

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Are You Too Busy For What She Wants?

by The Generous Husband | May 20, 2019 | DateNight, Margin, Quality Time, Year of Margin, ZIMAGE

How often do you tell your wife “Not now” or “Later” or “Wait”?

How often are you too busy or too tired to do something she wants or needs from you? And let’s not even mention date nights!

Your relationship with your wife is very important. The Bible says that and mental health experts are starting to say it.

Being too busy for your wife a few days here and there is okay. Being too busy a few days a week is a really bad thing and it may end badly for you.

Aside from being right and kind, giving your wife enough of your time is a good plan if you want a good marriage.

#CouplesQuestion: What do you have in common with your spouse?

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Are You Too Busy For God?

by The Generous Husband | May 19, 2019 | Beyond the Marriage, Margin, Year of Margin, Your Needs, ZIMAGE

Yesterday I talked about being too busy for sex. So let’s be honest, if you’re too busy for sex, you’re probably way too busy to give God the time you should.

We often treat God like we treat our family. We know He will keep loving us when we ignore Him, and we know He will forgive us when we put others ahead of Him. We know time with God is important, but it rarely makes it to the top of the list.

The truth is what you do or don’t do with God is not a matter of salvation if you’ve accepted Jesus as saviour. You can put Him off your entire life and still avoid hell. You won’t have the same reward in heaven, and your time here will be less than it could be, but you’re still saved. I think we all know this and it enables our failure to follow the Lord as we know we should.

If this hits you where you live, you can either do something about it, or you can push it away.

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Too Busy To Get Busy

by The Generous Husband | May 18, 2019 | Big Deal Post, Her Needs, Margin, Rethinking Sex, Seeing Clearly, Sexuality, Year of Margin, Your Needs, ZIMAGE

I’ve long said busyness is the most common reason for low sex and no sex marriages. Now I’m starting to see others say the same thing.

A study run in the BMJ found that between 2001 and 2012, sexual frequency in England dropped fairly significantly. In the words of the authors, “Frequency of sex has declined recently in Britain, more markedly among those in early middle age and those who are married or cohabiting.” The authors also pointed out this is consistent with findings in other countries, linking to similar reports of a decline in sexual frequency in Australia, Finland, Japan, and the United States.

Several possible explanations for this were offered, including:

Increased use of social media has resulted in “virtual sex” taking the place of real world sex.
The possibility that people are being more honest about sex, no longer reporting more sex than they are having.
The stress and busyness of modern life. This was labelled as the “most compelling” of the explanations.

One of the most telling aspects of the study was that most of the men (64%) and half the women (51%) wanted to be having more sex than they were having. This is far more common than you may think. In plenty of marriages, both the husband and the wife want more sex. They just can’t make it happen because of conflicting schedules, busyness, and being exhausted at the end of the day. This means her saying no may not mean she is opposed to sex. Women need far more emotional and physical energy to get to orgasm. If she wants sex but knows she’ll end up even hornier and unable to climax, she says no.

As I said, I’ve been nagging you gentlemen about this for years. If you’ve been ignoring that nag, I suggest you reconsider. As common as this is, there’s a good chance it’s at least part of why you’re not having the sex life you want. And if it’s part of the reason, there’s only one solution.

What would you be willing to give up for a better sex life? If the answer is nothing, then stop complaining about a problem you’ve created for yourself.

If it’s your wife who is too busy, I suggest you lead by example.

Link:
Changes in, and factors associated with, frequency of sex in Britain: evidence from three National Surveys of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal) | TheBMJ

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Margin Is About People

by The Generous Husband | Dec 31, 2018 | Beyond the Marriage, Big Deal Post, Year of Margin, ZIMAGE

I’m going to finish the year with one final post on margin, and this one is what margin is really about.

Margin is about people.

Having margin in my life allows me to be there for others when they really need me. I’m not the guy who says yes to everything (those guys have no margin!), I’m the guy who can almost always say yes when it’s important. That is the blessing of margin.

The Bible is full of “one anothers” that talk about how we’re supposed to treat other people. Honestly, a lot of us are too busy to do those things well, if at all, and I don’t think that’s okay with God. I think caring for our family and friends is a very, very high priority in God’s mind. Failing to have margin is saying something is more important than doing what God called us to do.

I realise that sounds high handed and perhaps a bit prideful. The truth is I was far too busy to be there for people for much of my life. I can think of hundreds, if not thousands, of times when being busy meant I failed someone or cheated them out of something I should have done for them. I can see how that strained and even broke various relationships. Being too busy to love people the way God commanded me to is one of my greatest regrets in life, and it’s why margin is such a big deal to me.

I pray we can all be better about loving the people God put in our lives in 2019.

#PrayerPrompt: Ask God to help you find books that will help you grow in 2019.

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Is Margin An Excuse For Being Lazy?

by The Generous Husband | Dec 30, 2018 | Big Deal Post, Year of Margin, ZIMAGE

On last week’s The Other Side of Margin someone commented that I was getting “awfully close to justifying laziness and sloth”. I actually hinted in the post that I sometimes feel that way myself. I grew up with the same twisted “work ethic” as everyone else, and it’s still in the back of my head.

The Bible certainly talks about hard work, and warns against not working. However, we’ve taken that to extremes that God never did. Like the Pharisees, we decided that God’s limits were not strict enough and we started expecting people to work far more than is sane or healthy. Being busy has become a badge of honour, and being “way too busy” tells everyone that we’re important, or spiritual, or both.

When God finished creating the world, He rested. I assume this was not because God was tired. In part, I think it was a lesson to us. Even more than that I think God has a healthy balance of work and rest, something most of us have never even seen.

By the way, margin is not about doing nothing. Margin is about having time that is not committed to anything. Some of my margin gets used doing my job. That gets me ahead, and gives me margin in the future. Some of my margin is used for fun, or for rest, but it’s not how I spend most of it. Much of it ends up being time spent with friends and family, which I will discuss tomorrow.

Margin is not about slacking off, and it’s not about avoiding work. Margin is about deciding you will have a life beyond work.

Year-End Giving Update: Because we are not home I can’t add in checks sent by mail. I am guessing we are about $5000.00 short of our goal at this point. We are a 501(c)(3) so donations are US tax deductible if they are made or postmarked by Dec 31st. Click here to give online, or mnake checks out to “The Marriage Bed” with “For Paul & Lori” in the memo and mail to:

Paul & Lori Byerly
c/o The Marriage Bed
4641 Lyons Hill Road
Springdale, WA 99173

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