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Different Sexual Realities: Understanding Her Side

by The Generous Husband | Jan 11, 2025 | Do It For Her, Rethinking Sex, XY link

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Yesterday I told the women on The XY Code that if women understood what sex means to their husband, and how not having it often enough effects him, she would say no far less often. I said if she was not up to full sex, she would be quick to offer something else, and would initiate on occasion. And if she had junk from her past, that was getting in the way of sex, she would be motivated to deal with that.

I believe this is what any decent, loving woman would do if she had a clue about her husband’s sexual reality. Perhaps some gals avoid understanding his reality to avoid what that would require of them. But still.

I also told the ladies what a decent, loving husband would do if he understood her sexual reality. He would make changes in when and how he asks. He would change what he asks for, what he expects, and what happens when sex does occur. And if he was looking at porn, he’d be motivated to deal with that. And I fully believe all that is true.

If you still look at porn, either you don’t get it, or you don’t care about your wife. If you seek sex when she’s dead tired, either you don’t get it, or you don’t love her. And so on.

For the most part, I think guys don’t get it. I realise many are blinded by their unending horniness, but if they understood her reality, I think most would be able to move past even that. Perhaps some guys avoid understanding her reality to avoid what that would require of them. But still.

All of this is to say her sexual reality is far different from your sexual reality. But her reality is just as real and valid, and it affects her just as much as your reality affects you. Much of what you judge as selfish or unloving is neither. If you can accept that as truth, it will be the start of change.

If you really want to go all in, ask her to explain what she thinks and feels about sex, and why she thinks and feels those things. Don’t judge her or argue, just hear her heart. Then pray about what you should change because of her reality.

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Honouring Your Wife by Letting Go of Sexual Preferences

by The Generous Husband | Jan 4, 2025 | Do It For Her, Rethinking Sex, XY link

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Yesterday on The XY Code, I suggested the ladies pick one sex thing they don’t like and tell their husband they won’t be doing that thing in 2025

Such a post should be not necessary, but I know it is. And that means I also need to address the other side of this with you guys.

Do you keep hoping for some sex act your wife doesn’t want? It could be anal or oral, her on top, or leaving the lights on. If you know she doesn’t want to do it, and you keep asking, hinting, or complaining it’s not happening, what does that communicate to her?

It tells her that your sexual desires are more important to you than she is. You can say that’s not what it means, but I assure you that’s what she feels. And she feels that way regardless of why she doesn’t want to do whatever. If she thinks it’s wrong, and you don’t, she feels less important than that sex act. If she finds it gross or a turn-off, you still wanting it means you value your pleasure over hers.

The only loving choice it to decide you won’t ever do that thing. Decide your wife is more important than that sex act, and then let your actions show that is the case.

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Challenging Men’s Sexual Expectations to Improve Sex

by The Generous Husband | Feb 24, 2024 | Audio, Her Needs, Rethinking Sex, XY link, Your Needs, ZIMAGE

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In yesterday’s XY Code, I talked about a wife who basically feels like a receptacle for her husband’s penis and the sexual urges that come with that. I nearly cried when I read her comment a few weeks ago, and it still saddens me. On the other blog, I said most men don’t see their wife this way, and talked about the fact the Bible teaches us that sex is to be mutually desired and enjoyed. Here, I want to address some mistakes we men make that keep sex from being great for our wives.

The big problem is we expect women to be like men sexually. It’s natural to think others are as we are, and recently the world has been telling us men and women are alike, even when it comes to sex. This, of course, is a lie. And it’s a lie that is destructive to women’s enjoyment of sex.

If my wife was as I am, all I’d have to do to get her to have sex is to walk by her naked with an erection. Go ahead, try that and see how it works out for you. I’ll wait, it won’t take long.

We are easily aroused. And we get aroused for no other reason than it’s been 24 hours. For us, foreplay is somewhere between unnecessary and a waste of time. And having an orgasm is easy. Sometimes too easy! For our wives, none of this is true. For them, what’s happening in the marriage outside of sex has a major impact on sex. A long day may or may not kill their desire, but it will leave them unable to enjoy sex. Even when she’s all about sex, it can be difficult to get her body going, and even more difficult to reach climax.

If you want to make sex better for your wife, you have to accept her sexual reality as valid. And to do that, you have to understand her sexual reality. Since every woman is different, the only way you can learn her reality is to ask her.

The next step is to figure out what would make sex easier and better for her. Ask her to tell you her idea of perfect sex. Listen without interrupting, unless you don’t understand something. Then ask her if she hedged what she said out of concern for what you would think, or said what society says she should want.

When next you have sex, make is like what she described. Later, ask her again for her idea of perfect sex, and implement those things. Set your preferences aside and focus on giving her great sex. When she thinks you’ve become the best lover in the world, you can discuss some things you would like sex to include.

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The Two-Parent Advantage: Why Does the US Lead in Single-Parent Homes, and What Can We Do?

by The Generous Husband | Jan 23, 2024 | Audio, None of the Above, XY link, ZIMAGE

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This post is mostly a repeat of what I said to the ladies yesterday over on The XY Code. I think it’s an important issue, and I want as much exposure as possible. There is a post script at the bottom for husbands.

A new book that talks about kids and parents is getting a lot of press. Some love it. Some hate it. The book is The Two-Parent Privilege: How Americans Stopped Getting Married and Started Falling Behind, and the title should tell you why some folks hate it. We’ve been told that kids do fine as long as they have a loving parent. We’ve been told two parents isn’t really better, and that those who claim a child needs a father are old-fashioned or misogynistic.

Author Melissa Kearney offends even more people by saying children of a married couple are even better off than those raised by a couple who are not married. What makes her book really offensive is that she supports her claims with data. She shows that children from single mother homes are less likely to graduate from high school, get a college degree, or have high earnings as adults. What’s more, children of a single mother are five times as likely to live in poverty.

As for marriage, Kearney says, “If you just look in the data, marriage is what delivers kids a stable, long-term, two-parent household in this country.”

What I really want to focus on is that the US has the highest rate of children living in a single-parent household IN THE WORLD! Various sources say 27% of our kids live with a single parent, and no other adult! And 80% of these are with their mother.

Why do we lead the world in this? Why are we having this problem? In a country where almost two-thirds of the population claims to be Christian, we can’t blame this on the world. European countries with lower percentages of Christians have fewer children in single-parent homes. What are we doing wrong, and how do we fix it? How does the Church address this?

I don’t have answers, this is primarily about raising awareness. We need to do what we can to help couples in trouble. We also need to speak up when we see bad marriages in the making before the couple says “I do”. Don’t sit by and watch someone you care about make a mistake that will hurt them and any children they have. I’d also encourage you to be a squeaky wheel about this in your church. Caring for marriages needs to be a major push in every church in the country.

Now for husbands. This information means “staying for the kids” is both valid and important. I know men who stayed in a dead, miserable marriage for their children, and I have a great deal of respect for them. They will never get the acclaim they deserve, but then that’s not why they did it. I know some of you will face this choice, and I encourage you to understand how what you choose will affect your children for the rest of their lives.

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Make Asking for Sex Less Painful

by The Generous Husband | Jan 13, 2024 | Audio, Change, Communication, Rethinking Sex, XY link, ZIMAGE

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Yesterday I talked to the woman on The XY Code about asking for sex. If you’re the lower drive spouse in your marriage, I strongly suggest you go read and apply that post in your marriage. Otherwise, keep going here.

One thing that can make this easier for you is to stop asking. I don’t mean just wait for her, I mean propose sex without asking permission. Saying “I’d like to make love” or “Your sexy butt is making me horny” tells her what you want. Or say something like, “When can we have sex?”, which avoids the yes/no dichotomy. If you think doing those things will reduce the amount of sex you have, then you think coercion or guilt play a part in getting sex. If that’s the case, it’s a problem, and it’s hurting your marriage and degrading your sex life.

I’d also suggest trying to communicate what you want and how much you need it. Most women don’t want to hear “I need to come” but letting her know if you need the intimacy of full sex versus something simpler that results in climax is helpful. Likewise, there’s a difference between “It would be nice” and “I’m not going to sleep well if we don’t”, and it’s fair to tell her that.

Some of this will be new to many wives, and they may not react to it well at first. But she should appreciate it with time, especially if you give different information on different occasions.

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Best Gift for Any Woman – A Heated Mattress Pad

by The Generous Husband | Dec 5, 2023 | Audio, Gifts, XY link, ZIMAGE

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Yesterday, I posted The Ultimate Guy Gift Giving Guide over on The XY Code. I’d love to post a similar guide here for you gentlemen, but I can’t. Maybe part of it is that I’m not a woman. But more than that, I find that what women see as a great gift varies a great deal.

That said, I do have a gift suggestion that will work for most women. Get a heated mattress pad for your bed. If your wife has ever mentioned being cold in bed, this is a great gift.

A mattress pad is a much better way to go than a blanket. Rather than sending the heat up to the ceiling, the pad heats your bodies and gets caught under the blanket. No more getting into a cold bed, and that can only help you heat things up in other ways. Get a bed with dual controls, so you can make yours warm while she sets her side to broil. A mattress pad is a great solution for a bedroom that’s runs cool, or it can allow you to set the thermostat lower overnight. And finally, she can’t steal the pad the way she steals the blankets!

To give gifts that can’t be wrapped, you can use our coupons.
From a massage to a vacation to sex the way she most wants it, you can customise these to say whatever you want.

Speaking of gifts, Lori and I have been blown away by year-end giving this year. In less than a week, we crossed the halfway line. We’ve never finished before Christmas — can you help us do that this year? Big or small, one off or recurring, it all helps us keep ministering to couples struggling with their marriage and/or their sex life.

2023 Year End

You can be a part of us helping marriages by supporting us with your prayers and finances. Thanks, Paul & Lori

Give with a Credit Card or PayPal:

Donate with Check or Bill Pay

Print out our donation form and mail it with your check or money order. Make checks payable to The Marriage Bed. Or skip the form and put “Paul & Lori” in the memo.

Mail to:

Paul & Lori
c/o The Marriage Bed, Inc.
4641 Lyons Hill Road
Springdale, WA 99173

US donations are tax-deductible

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Flipping the Script: Meeting Her Needs

by The Generous Husband | Nov 27, 2023 | Audio, DateNight, Do It For Her, Her Needs, XY link, ZIMAGE

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Over on The XY Code last Friday, I wrote a post entitled Just Do Him! Yes, it’s about exactly what you think it’s about. My point was that being regularly refused by your spouse hurts. And the easy way to stop the hurt would be for a woman to give her husband all the sex he could handle. I didn’t say it there, but in my mind, this is what love does.

Before you send that post to your wife, how would those concepts play out if we reverse the genders?

If you’re one of the quarter or so of marriages where the wife wants more sex than she’s getting, giving her sex because she wants it even when you don’t would be a valid answer to my question. But for most of us, the answer is something else.

Perhaps the answer would be a weekly date night, no matter how busy or tired you are. Or maybe the answer is to have several hours of meaningful, engaged conversations with her each week. Or it might be a mundane as actually getting clothing into the basket or taking out the trash before it’s at 129% of capacity.

I realise none of these seems as pressing as sex. But if she wants or needs something from you, has told you this repeatedly, and you’re short-changing her, that hurts just like her short-changing you on sex.

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Do Your Part Even When She’s Missing It

by The Generous Husband | Sep 19, 2023 | Aff Link, Communication, Seeing Clearly, XY link, ZIMAGE

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Over on The XY Code, I did a rerun last week that I modified based on a discussion Chris of Honeycomb & Spice and I had in the comments of the original post. I think that discussion is worth sharing with you gentlemen.

I agree that my husband should be trying to express his love in ways that make it easier for me to feel loved. I am one who used to say “you don’t love me” quite a bit, and it always hurt my husband.
Just as you say that “his loving you and you feeling loved may not go hand in hand,” I would add that knowing I am loved and feeling I am loved don’t always go hand in hand, either. I frequently observe my husband being loving to me, and those observations help me know, in my mind, that he loves me. But sometimes, those actions just don’t reach my heart–which leads to my second reservation, which is that my husband is not responsible for how I feel; I am.
No matter what he knows about making me feel loved and no matter what he does, at the end of the day, I still might not be feeling it–and that’s on my shoulders, not on his.

I replied:

Would you agree with: His part is to do his best to love you in a way you can hear/feel, and your part is to try to see his intent even when you do not feel it.

And Chris said:

Yes, that works for me.

All too often when our wife is wrong, or falling short, or not seeing things clearly, we decide that means the problem is hers. We may then decide we have no responsibility, or that there is nothing we can do. But often both spouses have missed it, and both need to do their part. When the issue is her perception, how you have presented things may be a big part of the difficulty, and you need to work to deal with that.

Doing your part better can only improve the situation!

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