Encouragement - The Generous Husband

FF: 3 Gifts a Month

by The Generous Husband | Nov 29, 2024 | Acts of Service, Encouragement, Friday Flashback, Gifts, Understanding Her

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Gifts: It’s supposed to be the thought that count. But is it?

For most of us, it is. A gift says, “I was thinking of you” and a gift that has special meaning or relevance says, “I know you well”. These are things you want to communicate to your wife, and regular small gifts do that well. I say small as in “it’s not the cost, it’s the thought”. Aim for three gifts a month, which might mean four one month and two the next. If the gifts are small and inexpensive, most months will cost you little more than a trip to St. Arbucks.

Some ideas to get you started

Flowers: Yes, the classic. And for good reason. Do a flower or flowers once a month.
A card: A real paper-in-an-envelope card. Write something nice, and it is very much a gift.
Coupons: This is the perfect gift for an acts of service gal, or to gift your time. The Marriage Bed has some nice print your own coupons.
Collectables: Preferably something she has already collects. This could be a specific item, such as a brand of figurine, or anything with a certain symbol or animal on it.
Candy nuts, or whatever: If she is not on a diet!
Anything given to disappearing at your house: Pens, scissors, AA batteries…
Bookmarks: If she’s a reader.
Pampering items: Such as bubble bath, hand lotion, scented soaps…

Wrap your gifts, or not. Leave them out, or hide them where she will come across them.

Is three gifts a month a lot? Maybe, but the process of thinking about it, and trying to come up with better and better ideas, will help you know her better, and tell her you are getting to know her better. It is a win/win!

[This post first appeared Oct 3, 2012.]

Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with stockdreams.ai
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Celebrating Success Amidst Challenges

by The Generous Husband | Aug 29, 2024 | Encouragement, Your Needs

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The last week, Lori and I have been modifying and updating websites. If you read online, you’ve seen the effects of that here. It’s not all gone well. At the moment, The XY Code is off-line because I asked support for help, and it crashed as they were looking at it.

In the past when we’ve done this kind of thing, and it went wrong, we got a bit snippy with each other. This time we’ve done well. As much as I’m not down with the struggle, I’m thrilled we are handling it so well.

When you do better, celebrate that fact!

Marriage is Like the TARDIS: Bigger and Wilder Than You Expect

by The Generous Husband | Mar 7, 2024 | Audio, Encouragement, Faith walk, ZIMAGE

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If you’re not a Doctor Who fan, the blue box in the image is the Doctor’s time travelling spaceship.

When you step into the TARDIS, you’re in for a wild ride and the adventure of your life. Crazy things will happen, and there will be a lot of running. Marriage is like that, isn’t it? When we started, we may or may not have had an idea what was going to happen or what we wanted. And any expectations about those things were quickly swept away by a whole new reality.

The other thing about the TARDIS is that it’s bigger on the inside than the outside. Marriage is this way too. What folks see on the outside is just a hint at what’s going on inside. And only those in the box know what’s really happening.

Marriage is the ultimate adventure. It’s two folks in a box going places together, often without as much control as either would like. If you can embrace the adventure and get over the lack of control, you can have a great time.

BTW, if you’re both following God, then you know He’s in control, which sure helps when it gets really crazy.

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey Carlisle | Allowing time for things to suck◄ AKA grieving.

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FF: Supporting Her Passion Project from the Sidelines

by The Generous Husband | Nov 24, 2023 | Audio, Encouragement, Friday Flashback, Good Marriage, YOU4HER, ZIMAGE

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A few days ago, my bride wrote My Cottage Garden, in which she talks about her gradually growing cottage garden. She makes a great point about some poor reasons why many of us don’t invest as much in our marriage as we should, and I urge you to go read her for those things. That said, I’d like to make a different point.

I happen to like Lori’s cottage garden – I like the concept, and I like how it’s looking. However, even if I didn’t care, I’d be supportive because this is something she wants to do. This is fun for her, and good for her, and that is all it takes for me to be all for it and as supportive as possible.

There is, however, a danger – getting too involved. This is her thing, and she’s having a blast with it. She cares what I think, and enjoys discussing how it is going and what she wants to do next, but this is not a project she wants to do jointly. Lori wants it to be a reflection of who she is, and if I get too involved, I will spoil it for her. So I am encouraging and available to help, but nothing more. I ran the tiller and helped get the grass out. I lug bags of compost and mulch, and I sprinkle red pepper to help keep the cats away, but I do not tell her where I think things should go. I occasionally mention a plant I like – if it shows up that’s fine, if it doesn’t show up, that’s fine too.

My point is sometimes being supportive means being on the fringe. It means being available to help, but not getting offended if you’re not included.

[This post first appeared July 8, 2012.]

Image Credit: © Lori Byerly
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Friday Flashback: Who Wants to be Average?

by The Generous Husband | May 5, 2023 | Audio, Change, Encouragement, ZIMAGE

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I don’t understand people who look at studies on marriage, decide they are average, and feel happy. When you realise about 40% of first marriages end in divorce, average puts you just ahead of those who aren’t going to make it! Do you really want to grade your marriage on the curve, especially given the sorry state of marriage in our world today?

There are a growing number of studies about what couples do: what is average, or normal, or how common certain things are. If you’re ministering/counselling to couples, those reports help you understand what the common problems are, but beyond that I don’t think they have any real use. The fact the majority of people do something doesn’t make it right, useful, successful, or sane. The fact most couples argue as much after ten years of marriage as when they got married (a study I saw once) doesn’t mean it has to be that way. The fact it is true for “most couples” means it’s not true for some couples. Why do some couples beat the odds? Are they smarter or better? I doubt it! Rather, by happy accident, great effort, or because of what they learned from others, those couples found a way to be better.

My advice is to see average and normal for what they are, rather than something to aim for. Average should be seen as the staring line, not the goal. Go beyond, aim higher, have a marriage that blows the curve!

[This post first appeared Apr 24, 2012.]

Photo by Ksenia Makagonova on Unsplash
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Friday Flashback: Stop Settling! You Can Have A Great Marriage!

by The Generous Husband | Apr 28, 2023 | Audio, Change, Encouragement, Good Marriage, Hope, Links to good stuff, Seeing Clearly, ZIMAGE

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I get deeply frustrated at all the couples who are settling for a bad marriage; or a poor marriage, or even an okay marriage. Why would people do this? Why would they accept a shadow of what they could have?

My conclusion is people settle for one or both of two reasons: fear and ignorance.

Ignorance: I don’t mean stupidity, I mean just not knowing it can be better. When I was growing up, my parents had a fair marriage; not great, but not bad. Most others I saw were worse off than my parents, some much worse. For some reason (I blame God), I felt there had to be something better. I had no example, but I believed it. When our marriage had problems, I didn’t accept them as inevitable or unsolvable; I was sure we could work through them and come out the other end with a better marriage. And you know what? It happened! We lived what I believed was possible.

The point here is you’re not going to have a better marriage if you don’t think you can have a better marriage. Take my word for it, or ask God to put it in your heart as He did with me, but find a way to believe it can be better – far, far better.

Fear: I think some people would rather succeed at poor than risk failing at great. I think others want deniability – if they try to make the marriage better and fail, they worry they will be blamed for a divorce. Even if they’re sure doing nothing will end in divorce, they would rather wait for the divorce than try to make it better and risk blame. I don’t know how to help someone overcome such fears, other than maybe helping them see it’s possible, and thus changing the odds in their mind.

A friend of mine often quotes President Harry S Truman, “It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.” Let me change that to “It’s amazing what you can accomplish if you don’t care if you get the blame.”

Bottom line: PLEASE stop settling! I’m begging you, there is so much more. Marriage need not be a battleground, or boring, or just barely better than being single. Marriage can be deeply enjoyable and satisfying, a source of comfort and joy. Even if things are ugly now, it can change, and a change in your attitude and belief will start that process.

[This post first appeared Apr 23, 2012.]

A post worth reading:

Hot, Holy & Humorous | Why a Husband Helping Around the House Makes a Wife More Open to Sex ◄ It’s complicated, but sometimes it is a fact.

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Friday Flashback: Different Isn’t Wrong … Or Stupid

by The Generous Husband | Nov 18, 2022 | Audio, Encouragement, Friday Flashback, Links to good stuff, Seeing Clearly, YOU4HER, ZIMAGE

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It seems we live in a world that looks down on “different”. Even in so-called “open-minded” circles, only certain differences are tolerated and even fewer are praised.

What about your marriage – are you open to different? Do you and your wife “allow” each other to be unique or do you work to keep each other within certain bounds? I’m not talking about moral issues here, this is about different ways of seeing and doing things.

The great thing about different is it allows you to see things the crowd will never see. Different sees ideas, beauty, and innovation others miss. Different sees a way to solve a problem others can’t solve. When we discourage different we reduce society; when we encourage different we enrich society. In marriage it’s the same way; encouraging your wife where she’s different enriches your marriage. But limiting her limits your marriage in many ways.

By the way, this one is a bit personal to me. I’m a bit eccentric. Actually, I’m a bit more than a bit eccentric. Early in our marriage, Lori was often embarrassed by/for me or concerned about how I might be perceived. I fully understand why she felt this way. However, she didn’t stay embarrassed or concerned; she grew to accept and love my oddities. She still warns me if she thinks I’m going to offend or hurt others (and I’m deeply grateful for that), but she has given me the amazing gift of acceptance. You can give your wife the same gift if you choose.

[This post first appeared Jan 24, 2012.]

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey Carlisle | Backyard treasures ◄ What are you missing in your own back yard? Or about your wife?

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Friday Flashback: Generosity: Turns Out It’s A Big Deal!

by The Generous Husband | Sep 16, 2022 | Acts of Service, Audio, Encouragement, Friday Flashback, Good Marriage, Gratitude, Her Needs, Series, ZIMAGE

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This is another post based on information from When Baby Makes Three, the 2011 State of Our Unions, a report from the National Marriage Project.

The reason this blog is “The Generous Husband” is my bride. Many years ago, she decided she wanted to become very generous and she decided to start with her family. A few years later, when she wanted to help other women, she struck upon the idea of sending out a daily e-mail with tips on how to be a more generous wife. Seeing it was a brilliant idea, I copied her, starting this blog.

But why generosity? Why did Lori decide that was the key to blessing those around her? She would blame God for that and I wouldn’t argue.

A decade and a half later, a study said my wife was right. The authors of the study said, “Generosity is an important and sometimes overlooked dimension of marriage and family life.” [emphasis mine] Generosity was defined as “the virtue of giving good things freely and abundantly” and was seen played out in:

Small acts of service
The expression of affection
Displays of respect
Willing to forgive mistakes and failings

How significant was generosity in marriage? The study listed it as the third most important in its top five top predictors of marital happiness. In marriages where generosity was below average, only 14% of husbands and wives said they were “very happy” in their marriage. In marriages where generosity was above average, 46% of husbands and 50% of wives said they were “very happy” in their marriage.

I could not agree more with the conclusion that the authors drew about generosity in marriage:

Thus, this report and other research suggest that one path to wedded bliss may be found by embracing an ethic of generosity that encompasses a spirit of service, frequent displays of affection, and a willingness to forgive the faults and failings of one’s spouse.

[This post first appeared Dec 16, 2011.]

A personal note:

Lori’s surgery went as planned with no problems. She is home and I am babying her. Thanks for all your prayers.

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