I’ve mentioned this song before, but this time I want to hit it from a different direction.
Mm, too young, too dumb to realize That I should have bought you flowers And held your hand Should have gave you all my hours When I had the chance Take you to every party ’cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby’s dancing But she’s dancing with another man
My pride, my ego, my needs, and my selfish ways Caused a good strong woman like you to walk out my life Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made, oh ~ Bruno Mars in When I Was Your Man
I realise Mars isn’t talking about a marriage, but he could be. You might say none of the reasons he gave for the woman leaving justify divorce. And I would agree. But if a woman left over such reasons, how does our agreeing she is wrong help anyone?
Divorce is rarely the result of one big thing. Even when folks divorce over adultery, it’s usually the last straw, not the only reason. Often there is no big reason, but rather hundreds of small ones. None of them alone would lead to divorce. Any twenty of them would not end the marriage. But all together, they snuff out any love that was left and make divorce tempting.
If you’re a really great husband, there are a dozen things you do that are on women’s lists of reasons for leaving their man. That’s a given because none of us is perfect, and we’re all selfish. But those dozen things don’t cause your wife to want to be rid of you.
Avoiding divorce is as easy as keeping that list short. The occasional failure, and the thing you just can’t/won’t get right, won’t end your marriage. But if it’s one of many, you’re in trouble.
This is a follow-up to Crisis and drama and arguments, OH MY! What if you see the problem, and you are trying to end it, but your wife won’t stop? Worse yet, what if you’re stopping just makes her more upset? I generally agree with the statement it takes two to fight, but there are folks out there who could have a fight with someone in a coma! Here are a few common tactics of such people, and some ideas to deal with them:
Yelling: You try to be calm, and she yells. You try to end a fight, and she yells. You try to walk away, and she yells! Yelling is effective because it triggers our fight or flight instinct. You feel a need to reply to her accusations and defend against what she says. Thing is, doing this is buying back into the cycle you’re trying to escape. The marriage loses as soon as you give in, no matter how the ensuing fight goes. Solution: Let her know you’re not going to talk with her when she is yelling or ranting. Yes, she will yell about it when you tell her, and she will likely yell even more for a while. She will test you; she will try to break you. Ignore her; walk away if necessary. If she refuses to stop after a week or two, it shows you the situation is serious, and you need to get help.
Obstruction: Another response to withdrawing from the drama game is refusing to do things or blocking things, either actively or passively. This is, “If you won’t play my game, I won’t do anything.” If she’s desperate, she may take this even further, and you will be tempted to give in to get her to back off. This will be especially tempting when you’re tired, or the situation is critical. You might also want to give in to keep her from looking bad to others. Solution: Again, if you play, you both lose. However, it may be more difficult to ignore this one. You have to be steadfast; do what is right, no matter what she does. Act as you would act if she were reasonable, then modify as necessary based on her behaviour. Do what you must for yourself and the children. Don’t protect her if her choices cause friends to think badly of her – let her deal with the natural consequences of her actions.
Emotional Blackmail: This is more subtle than the others. The “attack” may not be directly tied to anything you do or don’t do. She withholds affection, refuses to talk to you, is always too tired for sex, or becomes uninterested in doing things the two of you always enjoyed doing together. What it boils down to is she doesn’t like the change you’ve made, and she’s going to punish you to get you to change back. Odds are, she will deny she’s doing it. Trying to prove she’s doing it just gives her the drama/crisis she wants. Retaliating by doing the same to her also gives her what she wants. Solution: Again, if you let her actions affect your choices, the marriage loses. Giving in once in a while, say because you just have to have sex, or you need her to go to a family event and be nice, is asking for more of the same. If her tactics work, even occasionally, she has good reason to keep doing it. Accept that this is your current reality, and work to make the best of it. Do your best to give her grace and love, even though she is likely to react by being even worse to you.
What I’ve suggested here is difficult, but it’s the best (and probably only) way to get past what’s happening. This is fighting for your marriage by NOT fighting! You can’t do these things forever, but we can go far longer than we think – especially if we are walking with the Lord.
It may be helpful to consider why she’s doing what she’s doing. As bad as things were before, she understood it, and on some level, it worked for her. Change is scary. If she needs to feel in control, your unilaterally changing things means she’s not in control. Not being in control feels unsafe. Ultimately, the question is this: is she acting out because of fear, or is she just deeply selfish? The first can be dealt with; the second is far more difficult. If it’s fear, standing firm while loving her and trying to give her a safe place will most likely bring about a change in her behaviour. If she’s acting out of selfishness, she will only change if it seems to her to be in her best interest to do so.
One spouse can unilaterally start change, but both have to work at it for a real fix. Sometimes one can change it enough to be able to live with it, but not always. Sometimes the changes made by one spouse make the other uncomfortable enough they’re willing to try something different. If you see any willingness to change, I suggest trained third-party help – this kind of thing goes much better with an impartial third-party.
A personal note: While Lori and I have not gone down this road, I do have first-hand experience. I dated, and thought about marrying, a young woman who was all about drama. When I stopped playing, it got ugly. She threatened to break things I cared about, and I said it would not get her what she wanted. She did things expecting me to cover for her (as I always had), and I didn’t cover for her. She tried to manipulate me with sex, and I managed to resist. She even hinted at suicide. I didn’t think she was serious, and I told her such talk was a sure way to get me to leave her. Ultimately, she broke up with me. I don’t think she felt she could live in a relationship she couldn’t control. While it was a heart-wrenching time for me, I’m glad I did not end up married to her. I learned from it, and I made sure to avoid such women moving forward.
I share this so you know I have some idea how hard it is to do this. I wasn’t married to the woman, and it was still extremely painful and difficult. What kept me going was knowing how it had been would lead to a horrible marriage – for both of us. I was ready to lose her if it was the only option other than a horrible marriage. I suspect prevailing with this in a marriage means being willing to have her divorce you. If she finds the threat of divorce gives her control over you, all is lost. Ironically, being willing to end in divorce may well reduce the changes of it happening.
Every so often, some fellow drops a comment here saying that women initiate the majority of divorces. The implication is that women are bad, men are good, and the great number of divorces we have are women’s fault. Of course, stating a valid statistic and then tacking on an unproven explanation for why it’s so is hardly proof of anything.
A couple of years ago over on the XY Code, I told the ladies that, “Men tend to have a higher tolerance for a poor marriage than women.” I also told them men will put up with a bad marriage far longer than their wife, and will put up with a worse marriage than she will tolerate. The reason most divorces are filed by women is they reach the end of their tolerance before their husband.
It’s long been known that married men live longer. This is true even in a bad marriage. Women in a good marriage live longer than single women, but women in a bad marriage don’t live as long as single women. It’s also been shown that a bad marriage is physically and mentally more harmful for a woman.
To be blunt, a lot of women divorce their husband because he’s an insensitive jerk – or something worse. Sure, some women get divorces for petty reasons or because they fall for someone else, but both of these are uncommon.
I told the ladies that this tolerance difference puts them at a disadvantage because their husband’s higher tolerance means he is less motivated to work on marital problems. However, there is another side of that, which matters to you. If you want to keep your marriage good, you have to work harder than your wife, because she won’t put up with as much as you will. And worse case, she will walk out on a bad marriage you’re still willing to put up with.
You can make any judgment you like about women from this. But if you want to stay married and have a good marriage, I suggest you instead judge yourself as a husband.
BTW, a wife’s lower tolerance for a bad marriage can be a major reason why she has no interest in sex. The minimum marriage quality she needs to desire you sexually is higher than the minimum you need to desire her.
A couple of years ago, a group of researchers released a study in which they discussed “divorce clusters”. Based on that, some have talked about divorce being contagious. Some findings from the study:
When close friends divorce, the odds of your marriage ending increase by 75%.
Those who have divorced friends in their larger social circles are two and a half-time more likely to get a divorce than people whose friends are still married.
You are 22% more likely to divorce if you have divorced siblings.
In small companies, divorce by co-workers could increase your risk of divorce by 55%.
I agree with the idea something like divorce is socially contagious, but I see the same being true for having good marriages. In part, it’s about permission – permission to divorce, or permission to be more loving. There is also the power of peer pressure – living up to or down to the norm for your group.
If your marriage isn’t as good as it should be, I would suggest you need to assess your friendships. You need more time with those who have strong marriages, and limited time with those who are in trouble. On the other hand, if your marriage is strong, please help those who are struggling by spending some time with them.
Am I proposing you ditch a friend because their marriage is in trouble? No, but if many of your friends have significant marriage problems, maybe you need to figure out why you seem to be attracted to such people. Are you looking for a group that won’t call you on your marriage problems? Do you want friends who will “be understanding” if your marriage craters? Are those friends pulling your marriage down?
If there is a good deal of marriage turmoil, or divorce, in those close to you, I’d see it as a serious warning sign. See it as a signal it’s time to make your marriage more of a priority.
The study showed something interesting about income. How much money a couple had was far less important than how much “financial pressure and debt” they had. In my words, being poor is not a marriage problem, but being heavily in debt is a problem no matter how much money or how many nice things the couple has. Among couples with “below average or average financial stress“, half of men and women said they were very happy in marriage. When a couple had above-average financial stress, only 34% of women and 43% of men said the same. The amount of consumer debt a couple carries shows showed similar results, especially for women. For those with no such debt, 48% said they were very happy and divorce proneness was only 18%. For couples with $10,000 to $19,000 of consumer debt (in 2011 dollars), those figures were 40% very happy, and 23% divorce proneness. Please note that this issue is more important to women, especially women with children. You can’t make her feel better by downplaying or hiding the issue, you need to deal with it!
The study showed, as have others before it, that women were happier when they felt household chores were shared equally. What is somewhat surprising is that men were also more likely to be happy in their marriage when they felt the housework was shared evenly. Rates of “very happy in marriage” were 50% for both men and women in marriages where the work was not shared equally. This went up to 59% for men and 64% for women when housework was evenly shared.
The good news from this study is that there are a number of things we men can do to make our marriages better. Being more generous, seeking out those who will support our marriages, doing our share of the housework, and getting our finances in order will all result in greater marital happiness for both you and your wife. Those things also reduce the odds of divorce. Yes, great sex also does those things, and does it well, but if she’s not about that yet, work on the things listed above. As she feels better about the marriage, things may change sexually without you saying anything. Even if this doesn’t happen, it puts you in a better place to deal with the sexual side of marriage.
This is another post based on information from When Baby Makes Three, the 2011 State of Our Unions a report from the National Marriage Project. The report found that friends and family are a mixed bag, both helping and hurting marriages depending on their input. The study cited other research which has found that one strong predictor of divorce is having many friends and family who have divorced. In this study, those who said both their friends and family supported their marriage had significantly higher chances of saying they were very happy in their marriage, 23 percentage points higher for men and a massive 32 points for women. For women, this “high level of social support” was one of the five predictors of not being prone to separation or divorce.
For both happiness and divorce resistance, this item was more important for women than for men. This doesn’t mean it’s unimportant for you, but it does mean you should think about how your wife fairs in this area. If your bride is getting good, positive marriage support from her family and friends, she will feel better about the marriage and will be far less likely to divorce. On the other hand, if she has a lot of family and friends who are divorced and/or negative about marriage, she is going to be less happy and more given to divorce. I see several action points in this:
Promote her having time with those who have strong marriages and those who support the two of you as a couple. Time away from you with these kinds of people is an investment in your marriage and your future.
In a similar fashion, work at spending time with men who have good marriages and especially with those who support your marriage.
Try to limit her contact and time with those who are down on marriage in general and especially those who are down on your marriage. These people threaten your marriage.
Set the example by limiting your time and contact with those who are down on your marriage. Don’t just do it, tell your wife you’re doing it, and let her know why.
I know that the limiting part of this can be tricky, especially with family or long-time friends. Reducing contact with a friend is painful and limiting contact with family can cause problems. In both cases, you are properly putting your marriage ahead of your other relationships.
The study found that good sex is important for a good marriage. Specifically “above average sexual satisfaction” was the number one predictor of being very happy in marriage – 38 percentage points higher for men and 39 percentage points higher for women compared to those who were “below average sexual sanctification”. Additionally, high sexual satisfaction was the number two predictor of not being prone to separation or divorce, for both men and women. For husbands and wives, a good sex life means a happier marriage and a very low chance of divorce.
The study also found that high sexual satisfaction is more common for both men and women in marriages that have “high levels of generosity, commitment, religious faith, and couple-centered quality time“. Additionally, women were more likely to report sexual satisfaction if they felt their husband was doing his share of the housework.
What I see in all of that is a virtuous cycle. A good loving marriage makes for better sex, and better sex makes for a better marriage.
Inevitable rant: So we now have proof that a great sex life is the number one way to help people have happier marriages and the number two way to reduce divorces. If the church is really all about good marriages and preventing divorce, it seems to me that we need to get serious about helping couples with sex. We’ve abdicated our God-given responsibility to teach about sex and the devastation we see in marriages is the fruit of that choice. I think we need to repent, ask God to forgive us, and seek Him about how we can change all this. Let’s be bold about telling both those who follow Jesus and those who do not that God created sex, intended it for pleasure, and designed it to make marriages strong and happy. Or, we can continue to let the world define sex and have more of the same… or worse!
This is the way the marriage ends. Not with a bang but a whimper. ~ With apologies to T. S. Eliot
We think of marriages coming to a fiery end with a great deal of screaming. I’ve seen that, but ending with a whimper is far more common. Years of problems have sucked all the life out of one or both spouses and when one walks away or hands over divorce papers the other can’t manage any anger. This is often true even when one would like the marriage to continue. There’s not enough emotion left for the marriage to fight for it, so they let their spouse end it with little more than a few weak words of protest.
This is why it’s often impossible to save a marriage once one person has filed or is ready to do so. The marriage has been brain dead and on life support for years, and the divorce is just pulling the plug.
Sometimes a man misinterprets the end of his wife’s “constant efforts” to change their marriage. He sees it as her finally accepting how things are, but in truth, it’s her accepting they will never change. If she has fought for change for years, accepting it won’t change means she has left the marriage emotionally. She may continue to go through the motions while she plans her escape or waits for the kids to be older, but it’s over. And her husband doesn’t have clue. In fact, the situation may improve from his perspective because she is now just playing a part, trying to keep him content until she can cut and run. Some women do this for a decade or more, and some deserve an Emmy for their performance.
If your wife is still fighting for a better marriage but is doing so more weakly than she did in the past, you need to take drastic action IMMEDIATELY! Get help and do it now. If she won’t go with you, go alone. This is like finding out you have advanced cancer; survival is possible, but it will require drastic actions and setting pretty much everything else aside to focus on the situation.
Of course, it’s better to deal with this before it becomes critical. Your marriage is a living thing and failing to care for it has dire and long-term consequences. If your marriage hasn’t grown or improved in the last month, you have a problem. If it’s been three months, you have a disaster.
A post worth reading:
The Vine Community Chruch | Marriage & Singleness◄ Our pastor taught on 1 Cor 7 this week. Excellent sermon and a good resource for this post. (The sermon starts 51 minutes in.)
