Survey Says ... - The Generous Husband

Friday Flashback: The Powerful Sexual Effect of Non-Sexual Touch on Your Wife

by The Generous Husband | Oct 6, 2023 | Audio, Friday Flashback, Sexuality, Survey Says ..., Understanding Her, ZIMAGE

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This is one of the most significant and potentially marriage-changing posts I’ve ever done. It’s simple, it’s easy, and it can have a massive effect on your wife, your marriage, and your sex life. Please take this seriously, and give it a real try.

I’ve often said non-sexual touch is necessary for a woman to want and enjoy sexual touch, and now I have a survey supporting my claim. The survey isn’t perfect – it would have been good to have an, “I don’t want more touch” choice. So this applies to women who want more touch, which other surveys have shown to be true for most wives.

Question: Women – other than sexual contact, what physical touch would you like more of from your husband?

Touching me as he walks past 75.7%
His arm around me 56.8%
Many kisses during the day 43.2%
Shoulder rubs 43.2%
Snuggling laying down 43.2%
Holding hands 40.5%
Back rubs 37.8%
Some very long kisses 37.8%
Snuggling sitting down 37.8%
Full body massage 35.1%
More hugs 35.1%
Laying on him while we watch TV 35.1%
Some very long hugs 35.1%
Sitting closer (on the couch, at a restaurant …) 29.7%
Foot rubs 27.0%
Wrestling 13.5%
Sitting in his lap 10.8%

What jumps out on this is that three-fourths of women said a touch as hubby walked past was something they desire. This is not a difficult thing; it takes almost no effort and only seconds to do. A brief touch on the arm, a passing grasp of her hand, or a pat on the butt if it’s okay with her. Simple, easy, and powerful. Doing this a number of times a day tells her you are always aware of her, always thinking of her, and always desiring intimacy with her. Most women are desperate to feel that way about their husband!
Second, at more than half, was his arm around her. Be it while walking or sitting, this is a powerful form of touch for a woman. I suspect there’s a safe and protected aspect to this form of touch. Additionally, this shows the world you love her, and it makes her feel especially good in public because it tells her you’re not ashamed of loving her in front of others.
A little less than half the ladies cited kissing during the day (as opposed to as foreplay). Trust me on this; it’s almost impossible to kiss your wife more than she wants. You can even throw in some heavy kissing and a bit of gentle groping on occasion if you do plenty of kissing. “Some very long kisses” was mentioned by over a third of the women, so some are specifically looking for more than a peck!
Most of the rest of the options were all chosen by roughly one-third of the women. I think this shows individuality, and means you need to do some trial and error to find what your wife wants and enjoys the most. “Sitting in his lap” was picked by only one woman in ten, but for some of those it may be a huge thing, and maybe a turn-on as well.
The responses on massage are interesting; with shoulder rub being highest rated, then full body massage, back rub, and finally foot rub. Again, this shows preferences. Some women probably selected all four, while others only wanted one. Shoulders are a good choice because it releases pain and stress and is intimate without being in your face sexual. In the second section, one lady commented, “Foot-rubs = Foreplay…..I just can’t get him to realize it! :)” – take a lesson, men!

Question: Women: How do you think more non-sexual touch would affect your interest in sex?

I would feel less used 36.4%
I think I would be open to more sex 33.3%
I think I would want more sex 30.3%
I think I would want a lot more sex 30.3%
I think I would enjoy sex a lot more 30.3%
I think I would enjoy sex more 21.2%
I think I would be open to a lot more sex 15.2%
No change 3.0%

Only 3% of women said more touch would not change her sexually! All the rest said they thought more touch would result in wanting or enjoying sex more.

Forty-eight percent of the women thought they would be more open to sex or a lot more sex.
Sixty percent, said more touch would cause them to want more sex or a lot more sex. Non-sexual touch is clearly a great way to increase sex in a marriage!
Just over half of the women said more touch would result in them enjoying sex more or a lot more. This may not make sense to those of us with male minds, but clearly half the women think more non-sexual touch means enjoying sexual touch more.
The most picked answer, chosen by over a third, was “I would feel less used”. If a man only touches his wife when he’s having or seeking sex, is it any wonder she feels sex is all he wants? This is one of those places where actions speak far louder than words!

The bottom line is, non-sexual touch has a powerful effect on a woman sexually. However, many men avoid non-sexual touch when we feel sexually starved. Now that you know, what are you going to do about it? BTW, if she’s been touch starved for years, it’s going to take time for more non-sexual touch to have a noticeable effect on her.

[This post first appeared June 24, 2012.]

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Friday Flashback: Why Wives Say No to Sex, and What You Can Do

by The Generous Husband | Sep 29, 2023 | Audio, Sexuality, Survey Says ..., ZIMAGE

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We ran a Facebook poll asking why women say no to sex. Here is what we found with 178 women answering.

As with any web based survey, I can’t claim the results are representative of the population as a whole, but I can tell you they fall in line with what we and others hear from women. This won’t apply to all women, but if your wife hasn’t suffered significant sexual abuse, is not inherently against sex, and isn’t just plain selfish, there’s a good chance this speaks for her fairly well. I’ve put the full responses, plus comments, at the end, after my thoughts.

Too tired: Two-thirds of the women said they say no because they are too tired, and half said they say no because it’s late, or they have to get up early. I know tired sounds like an excuse to men, but please realise sex takes more energy for women, especially if they want to climax. We can have a quickie, climax, roll over and be asleep all in ten minutes, but this just leaves a woman horny, frustrated, and unable to get to sleep. If she’s tired to start with, climax is going to be difficult at best, and maybe just not worth the effort. (Note, 16% said they say no because “It would take way too much time and effort to climax.”) So, if you want more sex, your number one job is to find a way for your wife to get more rest and better sleep. Nothing else will have as much of an effect, and for most women nothing else can have an effect until the exhaustion issue is resolved.
Not connected: The next biggie, at 44%, was not having connected emotionally. Women need to be connected on a heart level to want and enjoy connecting physically. They can have sex without emotional connection, but they won’t want it, and probably won’t enjoy it. (BTW, an orgasm does not mean she enjoyed it – really). So, if you want more sex, your number two job is building your relationship. This doesn’t mean being lovey-dovey an hour before you ask for sex! Work on the relationship 24/7, and she’ll be more open to sex in general.
Stress!: Thirty percent of women say no due to stress. Some women manage to get to the place where sex is a stress reliever, but this is not the norm. For most women, stress kills both their sex drive and their ability to respond sexually. So, if you want more sex, your number three job is to be aware of your wife’s stress level and find ways to help her. This is neither an easy nor quick task, but you can do things to help her with stress.
He’s rude!: More than a quarter of women have said no because of recent rudeness on the part of their husband. So, if you want more sex, your number four job is to stop being rude. Again, this doesn’t mean just the hours leading up to bedtime; it means trying to never be rude, and admitting it and apologising when you are rude.
OUCH! One woman in five said they have said no because of physical pain. There’s no breakdown of the pain, although several women indicated period related pain in the comments. Husband being too rough was 3.5%, so most of this pain is something else. Learn to know when she’s in pain, and find ways to help her reduce pain. You might also be able to have sex if you are willing to do something other than intercourse. Orgasm is a great painkiller, and if she learns you can give her an orgasm without hurting her, she may have a new motivation to say yes!
Wrong message: A little more than one woman in six says no because things are not okay in the relationship, and she knows her husband takes sex as proof everything is okay. This does NOT mean she’s saying no because of the problems, but because she doesn’t want to wrongly communicate the problems are resolved or are no big deal. If you will learn sex is not an indication everything is fine, and if you can communicate that understanding to her, she may well be more open to sex. She may be willing to set the issues aside and enjoy sex with you if she knows you’ll still be willing to deal with the issues later.
I hate how I look!: About one in six women were so distressed by how they look they say no to sex. And, for each woman who says no, there are a several more who say yes but struggle to enjoy because they feel self-conscious. This is a huge issue, and one you need to work on steadily if you want to help her feel better about her body.
It’s all he wants: While “I feel it’s all he wants me for” was fairly low, at 15%, it still means plenty of women feel this way. They may or may not be right, but it’s killing the couple’s sex life.
Ready fire aim: A lack of foreplay was a reason for refusing for one woman in eight. However, I suspect even more would say they don’t enjoy sex much due to a lack of foreplay. It’s nice this was fairly low, and it’s an easy thing to fix.
All the rest: The remaining ten answers were chosen by fewer than 10% of those answering.

WOMEN: Why do you say no to sex?

Too tried 66.7%
It’s late and/or getting up early in the morning 49.1%
We have not connected emotionally 44.4%
Stressed 29.8%
He’s been rude to me recently 29.2%
Physical pain 19.9%
He thinks it means everything is okay, and it’s not 17.5%
It would take way to much time and effort to climax 16.4%
I don’t like how I look 16.4%
I feel it’s all he wants me for 15.2%
There is never enough foreplay 12.3%
I’ve rarely or never climax 8.8%
Not enough privacy 8.8%
He does not turn me on 7.6%
He does not take care of me; when he’s done, he thinks it’s over 7.6%
He smells bad 7.0%
If I do, he “wins” 5.8%
He’s too rough 3.5%
He always wants to do things I don’t like 2.9%
I think sex is wrong or gross 1.8%
I just don’t love him anymore 1.2%

Comments from the women:

I never say no. I have even told my husband that i’m up for it anytime he wants it. ;)
usually it’s just that one of us is not comfortable, physically, mentally, or just with the environment.
He lies to me. I can’t trust him.
Sometimes I just feel gross, like I’m not clean enough or whatnot.
“that” time of the month
young children :)
When I’m not feeling healthy
He has said no to me so many times, that I can barely be in the mood!
I don’t say no…..
I don’t say no but he usually doesn’t ask
If the marriage has no mental, emotional, spiritual connection. How can I respond sexually.
It doesn’t feel as good as it used to or hurts too much.
I have several chronic conditions that come with some complications that make sex uncomfortable.
Sex can be pleasurable, but I never (or rarely) have a desire for it. It’s just too much effort and not something I really crave.
He’s the one who says no.
He had prostate cancer We rarely have it.
If I’m sick
The only time I will say no to sex is if I’m throwing up or menstruating. Otherwise, he’s the one that’s usually saying no.
He doesn’t seem interested.
pregnant/sick
He does not ask Porn issues and Masturbation
vertigo when I lay down causes nausea and panic, so I have to start the night semi sitting, my husband can tell I’m nauseated and feels bad about bringing it up.
Not enough time to relax, or anticipate previous to starting
We don’t have time. Otherwise, we don’t say “no”
he only wants to do it in the morning, i am still half asleep
he appears soooo needy
Makes me feel vulnerable
Menstrual cycle
bitter from doing everything (housework, bills, lawn care…) with zero help from him

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[This post first appeared June 23, 2012.]

Does Your Wife Pursue Orgasm?

by The Generous Husband | Apr 22, 2023 | Audio, Her Needs, Links to good stuff, Rethinking Sex, Survey Says ..., XY link, ZIMAGE

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Last month, over on The XY Code, I talked to the ladies about being afraid to want or enjoy sex, or wanting or enjoying it “too much”. Of course, there’s more to it, as shown by a study entitled Feasibility Cues during a Sexual Encounter Impact the Strength of Heterosexual Women’s Orgasm Goal Pursuit.

When it comes to sex, most men expect to orgasm and therefore actively pursue it. However, for many women, achieving orgasm is not as easy or certain. Women require more time and energy to become aroused and to reach orgasm. In the study, women were presented with different scenarios and asked how likely they would be to pursue an orgasm in each. Women reported being less likely to pursue orgasm in a quick sexual encounter or if their partner was deemed selfish.

This may all sound odd to you, but try to put yourself into her reality. Most women don’t come every time, even if they are aroused before sex starts. What’s more, she can’t control some of what makes orgasm likely or unlikely. Additionally, most women can have sex without orgasm and not walk away feeling physically frustrated – unless they get very close and don’t come. Not trying to climax is far less annoying than trying and failing. So as odd as it seems to us, calculating her odds of having an orgasm and then going for it or not going for it based on that is a wise thing for a woman.

The data tells us if we want our wife to have an orgasm, we have to provide sex that causes her to feel it’s safe to try to come. That means being a generous lover who is all about her pleasure. It also means giving her all the time in the world. If she feels rushed, she won’t even try, and that will be that.

This is not to say you can never have a quickie. But understand you will be the only one having an orgasm. If you’re both okay with that, then go for it. If not, don’t.

One possibility is to ask for something quick now, for you, to be followed later by slower sex focused on her. Doing this means you’re not as blindingly horny later. It may also allow her to get in the mood as she looks forward to the second part. This is not for every couple, but if it works, it can be nice for both of you.

A post worth reading:

Knowing Her Sexually | Episode 67: Making Sex Pleasurable for Your Wife, with Gary Thomas ◄ More on making sex great for her.

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Blue And Green. Or Maybe White.

by The Generous Husband | Dec 15, 2022 | Audio, Communication, Links to good stuff, Quality Time, Sex Positive, Sharing Life, Survey Says ..., ZIMAGE

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I’ve talked about how Lori and I have become all about our blue and green time – meaning being out in nature. Since we have nature a dozen steps from our door it’s easy for us. Even now with multiple feet of snow on the ground, being outside makes us feel better about pretty much everything.

So I was not surprised by a study that found an hour-long walk in nature reduces stress and increases positive emotions, along with improving working memory and attention span and other good things. Actually, all of that was already known. The study verified them, but also used fMRI to find out why. They also did walks in nature and walks in an urban setting, which showed that it was being in nature, not just walking that provided the effects. I suspect just sitting in nature would give similar benefits and there are studies that suggest that.

I don’t think it’s much of a stretch to suggest regularly walking in nature with your wife will be good for your marriage. In fact, it might be very good for it. Being together and both becoming calm is a good thing and it makes deep conversation more likely. What’s more, lowering her stress and getting her heart beating faster might make sex more likely.

If the weather permits, get out there together and enjoy the world God gave us. If not, determine to make time for this come spring.

A post worth reading:

MyFitnessPal Blog | How Walking Together Helps You Stay Together ◄ Has some good links to studies.

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The Many Benefits Of A Good Marriage

by The Generous Husband | Sep 20, 2022 | Audio, Good Marriage, Survey Says ..., ZIMAGE

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The Harvard Study of Adult Development is an amazing body of work. For 84 years and counting, they have followed 268 Harvard sophomores and a group of boys from Boston’s poorest neighbourhoods. They are now following the offspring of the original subjects and have added their wives. They do questionnaires every two years, along with in-depth interviews, talking to their spouses and families, brain scans, and medical histories.

In a Ted Talk, Robert Waldinger, the current director of the project, said that a survey of Millennials found that over 80% said a major life goal was to get rich. And half said they wanted to become famous. Waldinger went on to say their study shows this is not the path to happiness. The study finds that having good relationships is the way to have a long, healthy, and happy life.

Waldinger says that while social connections are good for us, loneliness kills. Those who are connected are happier, physically healthier, and live longer. Lonely folks are less happy, their health and brain function declines earlyier in life, and they die younger. He goes on to say it’s not the number of friends you have, but the quality of your relationships. While a good marriage protects us, a bad one is harmful.

How satisfied men were with their relationships at fifty was a strong prediction of their health and happiness at the age of eighty. The most satisfied men at fifty were the healthiest at eighty. Additionally, octogenarian men in good marriages said they were just as happy on days when they were in physical pain. Men in unhappy relationships found physical pain magnified their emotional pain. Being in a secure relationship with someone you can count on results in your memories staying sharp longer and your brain functioning better as you age.

The study says all good relationships are beneficial, but marriage is especially powerful, be it for good or bad. If you want to grow old, be healthy, and still be in your right mind, making your marriage better is a critical step. A good marriage helps you, a distant marriage isn’t helping you, and a bad marriage hurts you. Waldinger suggested a bad marriage might be more harmful than a divorce, but the study has not proven that.

Listen to the TED Talk:

TEDxBeaconStreet | What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness

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The Things That Make Marriage Difficult

by The Generous Husband | Jun 21, 2022 | Audio, Links to good stuff, Marriage Killer, Survey Says ..., ZIMAGE

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I came across a study that looked at what makes it difficult to maintain an intimate relationship. The study looked at Greek and Chinese couples and asked them how big a problem various things were in their relationship. The list of problems came from the answers given in a previous study.

Today I will give you some of the details from the study. Then I will follow up with a discussion of the major issues.

Participants used a five-point scale to rate how much of a problem each item was in their relationship. The researchers calculated how many gave each issue a score greater than three. Thirty-five percent didn’t give any issue a score over three. Twenty-three percent had one, twelve percent two, nine percent three, and twenty-one percent four or more. So the good news is over a third didn’t feel they had significant problems. The bad news is more than one in five felt they had four or more big problems.

The big issues were clinginess (which was defined as “being too dependent on my partner”), lack of personal time and space, and long work hours. Clinginess was the top answer for both men and women but was listed by more women than men. Lack of personal time and space was number two for men, but number four for women. Long work hours was number three for men and number five for women. For women, numbers two and three were not making compromises and character issues. Bad sex was number seven for men and number ten for women.

The character issues section was all about the respondent, not their partner. The items listed from most commonly cited to least, are “I am selfish, my character, I am not easygoing, I have psychological problems, my insecurities, I am jealous of my partner, financial difficulties, I am always complaining to my partner, and I neglect myself“. The compromise category was also about the respondent, not an accusation about their partner.

There are some obvious limitations to this study, but the results line up well with what those who work with marriages see and hear. It gives us a good picture of what often stresses, hurts, or ends a marriage. Over the next few days, I will discuss these and how to prevent or deal with them.

Reference:

What makes It Difficult to keep an Intimate Relationship: Evidence From Greece and China – SAGE Journals

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Friday Flashback: Would More Sex Make You Happier? Studies Say Yes!

by The Generous Husband | Oct 22, 2021 | Friday Flashback, Sexuality, Survey Says ..., ZIMAGE

You think you’d be happier if you and your wife had sex more often, right? Turns out there are studies that say you would be happier! A study of 16,000 randomly selected Americans¹, found that for both men and women sex was strongly and positively associated with happiness. The authors of the study said that going from intercourse once a month to once a week would result in the same increase in happiness as the average American earning an extra $50,000 a year! This study also found that married folks were having the most sex and that those who had only one sex partner over the last year were the happiest. There you have it: married sex is the best!

Need more evidence? Another study² looked at 1000 employed women and found that they rate sex as “the activity that produces the single largest amount of happiness.”

Does the kind of sex you’re having matter to your happiness? According to a study of 2,810 Swedes³, frequency of intercourse (penis in vagina) “is associated with sexual satisfaction, health, and well-being“. On the other hand, “noncoital sex frequencies independently inversely associated with some satisfaction measures“. What that all means is more intercourse corresponded with feeling better in every way, while sex acts other than intercourse did not provide the same benefits.

Studies used:
1 Money, Sex and Happiness: An Empirical Study
2 Kahneman, D., Krueger, A., Schkade, D., Schwarz, N. and Stone, A. (2003), Measuring the Quality of Experience, Princeton University, working paper (no link)
3 Satisfaction (sexual, life, relationship, and mental health) is associated directly with penile-vaginal intercourse, but inversely with other sexual behaviour frequencies

[This post first appeared July 23, 2011.]

A post worth reading:

Seths’ Blog | Messing with Strathern’s Law ◄ Why social media metrics mean nothing

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First Impressions, Day By Day

by The Generous Husband | Jul 8, 2021 | Communication, Links to good stuff, Seeing Clearly, Survey Says ..., ZIMAGE

It is commonly believed that the most recent experiences during a task or interaction with someone else may have the strongest effect on how an individual feels at a given time. But in a series of experiments, researchers show that early experiences can have a more significant impact on someone’s mood.

Honestly, I found the first sentence there confusing because my assumption would be what the second sentence says. Part of it may be that the study looked at short periods of time – specifically during an online game. They found that:

(E)arly events during the game had the greatest impact on mood in both the adolescent and adult groups. This was also true for individuals with and without depression. Their imaging data also suggested that earlier experiences in the game ‘switched on’ parts of the frontal brain associated with moods, rather than later events.

This shows that early ups or downs stick with us, and are not easily erased by what happens later. This is certainly the case for relationships, which is why we talk about first impressions. But I suspect it applies to our marriages in an interesting way. Sleeping is like a reset button. We can go to sleep mad at our spouses and wake up less upset. That gives you a chance to make a new first impression each morning. It may not erase whatever want bad yesterday, but it can be a start. Do that a few days in a row and things might seem much better.

On the other hand, this shows why it’s difficult to fix something in the heat of the moment. What you said at the start of the misunderstanding/argument/fight has a bigger impact on her than what you say in the midst of it. This is why Gottman’s warning about a harsh startup is so important. A bad start may commit you to a path you’d really like to get off of!

Resource:

Early Experiences Have Larger Effect on Mood Than More Recent Ones | Neuroscience News

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