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Understand Your Wife by Paraphrasing Her Thoughts

by The Generous Husband | Feb 20, 2024 | Audio, Communication, Spicy Quote, ZIMAGE

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Someone over on Quora shared something their first philosophy professor said:

If you can’t paraphrase somebody else’s position in a way that they would agree with, you don’t understand it, and if you don’t understand it, you can’t debate it.

What a brilliant statement!

How often do you argue with your wife when you could not paraphrase what she thinks in a way she would agree with? And how often have you fought about something when neither of you really knew what the other thought?

I can recall a couple of times when Lori and I realised, after way too many angry words, that we were actually on the same page. And there were far more times when we weren’t nearly as far apart as we initially thought. We could have saved all that frustration and hurt if we had started by making sure we each understood what the other thought and wanted.

Next time a discussion with your wife is getting heated, say “Just to be clear, are you saying ____?”

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When Work Eats All Your Time

by The Generous Husband | Oct 20, 2023 | Audio, Friday Flashback, Her Needs, Margin, Money, Series, Spicy Quote, ZIMAGE

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Given the need to feed, clothe, and provide shelter for our families, earning income must be a high priority. Sometimes that means putting the demands of the job ahead of the desires of the family – better to miss some event than to be unemployed. That said, our job can become a tyrant doing harm to our wife, kids, health, and life in general. The issue is one of balance. How you balance work will depend on what you and your wife want for your lives.

If you place a high priority on things costing a lot of money, you need to make more income than if you find time together to be more important than things. If you’re willing to live in a smaller house, drive an older car, take smaller vacations, and not own every new iDevice the day it comes out, you can work a less demanding job. However, if you want more, your job will have to pay more, which usually means more demands on your time.

Personally, I’m coming to see “things” as overrated, but I’m not trying (too hard) to convince you of that. What I do want is for you and your wife to agree on how much you want. If you’re working many hours, and she wants more of your time, you’re at cross-purposes. The same is true if you want a simple life and she wants a fancy life. Have a long talk about this issue, and make sure you’re on the same page. Then look to adjust your income production accordingly.

“Nobody on their deathbed has ever said, ‘I wish I had spent more time at the office’.” ~ Rabbi Harold Kushner

[This post first appeared June 29, 2012.]

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Do You Take Your Wife For Granted?

by The Generous Husband | Mar 30, 2023 | Aff Link, Gratitude, Links to good stuff, Seeing Clearly, Spicy Quote, ZIMAGE

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If you can’t see it, the image with this post says, “We take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude.”

I came across the image recently while searching for something else, and I flagged it for future use because I think it’s spot on for how we treat our wives.

Think about all the things your wife does that you no longer conciser because they happen all the time without you doing or saying anything. Household chores come to mind first, but I bet there’s a lot more than that.

It’s human nature to stop thinking about things that just happen, and that means we take those things for granted and don’t express appreciation or thanks for them.

I’m sure you also do things that your wife takes for granted. And how does that make you feel? Is it possible she feels the same way when you ignore her efforts?

I bet you can do better!

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey Carlisle | Commingling of souls ◄ Can be a blessing, or a danger.

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Do You Want Growth or Control?

by The Generous Husband | Mar 2, 2023 | Audio, Big Deal Post, Good Marriage, Headship/Submission, Links to good stuff, Spicy Quote, ZIMAGE

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A couple of times recently, my pastor has said, “you either structure for growth or control” – something he read in his school work. I think the idea is both true and important. And I think it’s valid in marriage.

If you want your wife to grow, you can’t be controlling. And if you want to control her, she can’t grow very much.

I think this is why I’ve always had a problem with how many have taught complementary headship. Regardless of the intention, it becomes all about control, and that means the wife can’t change and grow. That’s a problem because God expects us to change and grow, and a healthy marriage requires it. Hardline complementarianism hurts women and marriages. Headship is not about control, and it’s certainly not about limiting or preventing growth.

Of course, our human nature is to want control. Control feel safe. We think if we’re in control, we can’t get hurt. But the truth is, trying to be in control means our marriage can’t experience the kind of change and growth that makes it become better for both husband and wife.

So ask yourself honestly, are you trying to control your wife or your marriage too much? Are you unhappy or having issues because of this? Are you setting yourself up for a major blow up or even a divorce?

A post worth reading:

Honeycomb & Spice | Let’s Ditch Doggy Style ◄ It’s not the position that’s the problem…

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Embrace The Use Of “ISH”

by The Generous Husband | Jan 19, 2023 | Audio, Communication, Links to good stuff, Spicy Quote, ZIMAGE

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The other day, Lori was listening to a podcast and I heard the word “specific-ish”.

“Ish” has been a part of the Byerly family vocabulary for a long time. Sometimes it’s used as a suffix, other times it’s used as a freestanding word.

If Lori says “Are you ready to go” and I respond with “Ish” she knows I’m almost ready. If I ask if she’s horny, and she says “Ish” I know she’s not desperate to get me naked, but is open to sex.

If I say “I’m hungry-ish”, I have communicated that while I don’t need to eat right now, if I don’t, I will be legitimately hungry in an hour or so. Other good uses of ish would be “tired-ish”, “okay-ish” or “down-ish”.

Ish can be a useful word or suffix. But don’t tack it on the end of the word love!

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey Carlisle | More to life ◄ It’s all about balance.

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Liking Who We Are

by The Generous Husband | Jan 4, 2023 | Audio, BecomingYourself, Spicy Quote, ZIMAGE

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A while back, Lori and I were watching “The Feed”. In one scene, a character named Gil was talking with his girlfriend and said he liked who she was. When she then asked him to change something he was doing, he said, “I like who I am”. His point was he was doing what she wanted him to change because of who he was, and he liked who he was.

WOW!

Many of us are not nearly self-aware enough to know that changing certain things would mean violating who we are. And how many of us can honestly say, “I like who I am?”

I found myself wondering when that statement started to be true for me. Certainly not at thirty, or forty. Maybe fifty, and certainly by sixty. This is not to suggest I’m perfect. I’m more aware of my imperfections now than I was in years gone by. But I have a more balanced view of myself and a better handle on the reality that we’re all both broken and beautiful.

Additionally, I’ve learned to see both others and myself as a package deal. You get the good with the bad. And in most situations, I think I offer a lot of good and not too much bad. I certainly feel that is true for me as a husband, a father, a grandfather, and a friend. I also feel it’s true for what I offer when I minister to people, be that in person or online.

The danger in this, I suppose, is to stop seeing or caring about the places where I need work. Seeing the package as a good deal is nice, but I need to continue to work on the places that are broken or not right.

What about you? Do you like who you are? Do you think you’re a good package deal as a husband, father, employee or employer, and friend? Can you see that and also see where you need more work?

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Get A Map That Points To Your Destination

by The Generous Husband | Jan 3, 2023 | Aff Link, Good Marriage, Spicy Quote, Your Needs, ZIMAGE

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On my news reader, I had a story with 40 motivational quotes for 2023. One was a picture that showed in the preview:

Stop taking directions from people who never got where you are going. ~ Found on the Interweb

I’ve expressed this idea to those seeking help from us in a different way. I have a map, which I can share with you. But if it doesn’t go where you want to go, it’s of no use to you.

When Lori and I were looking for help during the second year of our marriage, one couple was willing. But we had seen their marriage and it was nothing like what we wanted. So we said thanks but no thanks. And I’ve always been glad we did.

If you are in a really bad place it’s tempting to think any help is better than none. But if the “help” just puts you in a different bad place, that’s not useful. And if it sends you towards a goal you don’t want to reach it’s a waste of your limited time and energy.

I realise that to some degree you can eat the meat and spit out the bones, but taking in things that move you away from where you want to be will impede your progress.

All of this is to say be careful about the books, blogs, and friends you allow to influence your marriage and sex life. Even if what they propose works well for some, it might not be what’s right for you. Find those who have gone where you want to go and follow them. This is why I share bits of my life and marriage here. I want you to know where I am because that is where I am trying to help you go. If you don’t want to be somewhere near where I am, this is not the blog for you. Likewise with other sources.

Calling it a success! After adding the donations that came in on Saturday, we are $255.20 (or 1.7%) short of our goal. Since we will have checks trail in for almost a week, I think we can call it a success. A huge thanks to all!

A post worth reading:

I don’t agree with all forty motivational quotes, but there are some good ones there, and I’ve done posts about several of them recently.

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Will You Wait, Talk, Or Take Action?

by The Generous Husband | Nov 13, 2022 | Audio, Communication, Good Marriage, Keepin' It Real, Links to good stuff, Spicy Quote, ZIMAGE

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If your marriage is stuck you can either try something new or wait for your spouse to try something new. #MarriageTip ~ TMB Twitter

No one likes to change. But if you don’t like how something is, making a change is the only way out. If something about your marriage is not to your liking, you could wait for your wife to change. But then she has all the power and you may not like the new situation either. Besides, she might be waiting on you.

You could sit down and have a nice discussion about it. Tell her what you’re feeling and ask her how she feels about it. Tell her what you would like and ask her what she would like. Make a plan together and then work the plan. If you don’t think your wife will discuss it, it will end in a fight, or she won’t do anything, then make some changes on your own.

If you just sit in it being unhappy about it, then you have chosen to continue in what you don’t like. If you do that, don’t put it on your wife!

“If you always do what you always did, you’ll always get what you always got”. ~ Henry Ford

A post worth reading:

Dr. Corey Carlisle | Craving substance ◄ Are you doing this in your marriage? Or maybe in your sex life?

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