So what’s wrong with the image for this post? I mean aside from AI’s confusion about human anatomy.
After finishing their Bible study, this couple got frisky without hiding the Bible in a drawer! Even worse, they might have interrupted their Bible study to make out! The scandal!
I made this image after trying to get an image for last Friday’s XY post. Finding an image of a couple reading the Bible together in bed was difficult, and the only image I found had them fully clothed and above the covers. Even AI, which is limited by what it’s been trained on, struggled with this.
The obvious message is God and sex don’t mix. What’s more, God probably sees sex as a necessary evil.
Even those of us who think we’re not this way are usually effected by it. You ask God to bless your food before you eat, but have ever asked God to bless your sex before you make love? Do you pray to God about your sex life the way you pray about other needs or areas of stress? Do you do that as a couple? Have you ever asked a close friend to pray for some sexual problem the way you would other health issues?
Does an image of a man removing is wife’s bra inches from an open Bible make you a bit uneasy? Do you think God wants you to have wild, passionate, frequent sex with your wife? Or do you think your interest in sex is beyond what God wants? Have you ever thought the sexual frustration in your marriage is because you want too much?
Give this some thought and prayer. And then bring it up with your wife. God is wildly pro-sex in marriage. If that’s not how you see it, that error is limiting your sex life.
If you’ve followed me for long, you know I’m all for couples using vibrators to make sex easier or better for women. Of course, I’ve had some push back on that. Some find it sinful, although they can’t quite find a verse to support that. Others will avoid the word sin, while telling you it’s a bad idea for, ah, reasons. And then you have folks who toss around words like addition, dependent, crutch or numbing.
So let’s deal with all of that.
For decades, there have been claims that frequent vibrator use will numb a woman’s clitoris. And yet no study has shown this is the case, and several that looked for it failed to find it. Yes, very heavy vibrations can numb any part of the body, but the effect is temporary, and most women don’t want nearly as much vibration as would be required.
Others say a woman will become unable to orgasm without a vibrator. If she couldn’t orgasm until a vibrator was used, then this is a nonissue. If her ability to orgasm was hit-and-miss prior to vibrator use, why would she want to go back to that? If a vibrator mean she can climax before she gets frustrated, or result in better orgasms, why would she, or a husband who loves her, want to stop using the vibe?
I find “it’s a crutch” the most offensive claim. Should a woman come half the time, often after a long struggle, so she is not using a “crutch”? Should she have weaker orgasms and never have multiples, so she can feel good about sex being “natural”? Is far less without a vibrator in any way a good thing?
Multiple studies have found that vibrator use in coupled sex results in greater sexual satisfaction and sexual well-being for women. Seems to me that’s all we need to know.
If you’re looking for a vibrator, Married Dance has a great selection with no images of nudity or scantily clad people.
I came across an interesting blog post by a Petra Zebroff Ph.D. She has been a sex therapist and educator for 20 years and has a doctorate in human sexuality. She was seeing more and more women who felt there was something wrong with them for not having an orgasm during intercourse because “Every woman I see can orgasm without touching the clitoris.” And the “I see” part was clearly about the porn they saw. Zebroff was also hearing from men who were worried something was wrong with them because “their penis doesn’t give their partner an orgasm”.
Most women need more than the thrusting of intercourse to come. This is a well established fact – at least outside the false reality of porn.
Dr Zebroff and a colleague looked at the 80 most viewed videos on Pornhub and XHamster, and recoded all the touch. They found that only 8% of the genial touch for women involved the clitoris. But of course, the women in the videos were having screaming orgasms from intercourse, with little or no foreplay.
This is why I hate porn: It teaches us lies! Dr Zebroff said her young female clients understand the importance of clitoral touch for sexual pleasure, but still feel there’s something wrong with them for needing it. The porn they have watched has supplanted their knowledge. It had voided the right teaching they received, resulting in sexual distress.
If you’ve seen porn, it’s messed up your sexuality. And if you’re still viewing it, it’s continuing to mess it up. If you want a good sex life with your wife, you must avoid porn. It’s just that simple.
Foreplay is what you do to get her body going. It’s what, metaphorically, makes her open her legs. But in order for foreplay to work, her mind has to be in the right place. If she’s not feeling close and intimate, she’s not going to be into sex. If you manage to arouse her body, she still won’t want to have sex, and if she does it, she won’t be glad she did when it’s over.
Beforeplay is what you do to get her to open her heart and mind. It’s what causes her to want to be sexual with you. It’s what makes her want foreplay, and what follows.
Beforeplay comes in two forms. There is the steady stream of things you do to make her feel loved, cherished, and heard. Then there are the things you do before sex that flow into foreplay.
The stream of things you do day in and day out is critical. You can’t turn it on a couple of hours before you want to have sex; you have to do it all the time. It’s loving words, acts of service, listening to her, and general kindness and courtesy. If you don’t do this, odds are your sex life is not what you want. It’s absolutely critical.
What you do before sex is more of a transition. It’s moving from non-sexual intimacy to sexual intimacy. A slow back rub is a great way to do this. Snuggling up on the couch before bedtime is a good choice. Taking a shower together might work. Just be aware she can’t make a fast hard switch to sexual mode the way you can. Beforeplay helps her transition.
If you do the all the time form of beforeplay well, the just before sex version is less critical. Still wise, but it’s a boost, not trying to make up for not doing it apart from wanting sex.
You and your wife have sexual habits. When you have sex, what you do for foreplay, how you have intercourse, how she gets to climax, and so on. If those habits make sex easier or better, they are good. If they limit sex, they’re a problem.
One common habit is when you have sex. Maybe it’s officially scheduled, maybe it’s not, but you know there are only a couple of days a week when it’s going to happen. Some women find scheduled sex is good for them because they are intentional about saving time and energy. Others look forward to it all day, meaning they get into bed ready and possibly aroused. But scheduling can be a problem if good opportunities to have sex are ignored because it was not scheduled. It can also be an issue if she is unwilling to reschedule when something prevents sex.
How you do foreplay is another common habit area. Some women find it difficult to get aroused unless certain things happen. Similarly, a woman may only be able to orgasm from something specific. If you are fine with these acts, and they work reliably, it’s not a big concern. But if you do just those things for years and then some change makes them difficult or ineffective, finding something new that works will be a major challenge.
A bit of flexibility is a good thing, but it’s also tricky. Asking her to skip what she knows works means she might struggle. Even worse, she might not come despite wanting and needing to do so. Please be understanding of this reality, and tell her you really want to accommodate it. Let her know you will change what you are doing if she asks. Tell her that her pleasure it more important than variety, and you are all about doing what works for her. And never make changes when she is tired, stressed, or struggling with sex.
As I said on Tuesday, don’t ask her to go against her habit without a good reason.
Last week I talked about how the Bible shows us God intended married couples to have great sex, and plenty of it. One of the things that gets in the way of this is deciding we don’t deserve good sex, or sex at all. Maybe we don’t think we deserve it ever, or maybe it depends on how good a husband we feel we’ve been recently.
I know some folks have a problem with the word deserve. I figure if God wants it for you, then you deserve it. If saying “should have” helps, go with that.
It’s easy to think we don’t deserve good sex if we have been looking at porn again, or lusting after the new woman at work. We need to deal with those sins, but performance based sex is not what God called us to. It’s also tempting to feel we don’t deserve sex if we’ve been rude or distant. These things certainly will make our wife less interested in sex, but having good sex will generally make it easier to treat our wife as we should.
God is clear He wants us to have sex regularly and enjoy it fully. All kinds of things get in the way of that happening, but none of them change that God wants us to have sex, or that having sex is good for our marriage.
I don’t say any of this so you can use it to get your wife to have sex. This is about your thinking, and moving it to be in line with God’s thinking.
Last week, I talked about getting free from all the lies and garbage that keep us from having the kind of sex God wants us to have. Okay, but how do you actually do that?
A great starting place is to learn what God wants, and Proverbs gives us that.
Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love. ~ Proverbs 5:18-19 ESV
Let’s look past the careful translation that attempts to make this very adult verse PG-13.
First, yes, fountain is a reference to the penis. And it suggests ejaculation. So your sexual parts and your sex life are being blessed. Then we have your wife’s breasts. A more accurate translation would be nipples. This is not about covertly enjoying the shape of her breasts under her clothing; this is about hands-on enjoyment of her nude breasts. Also notice you’re not encouraged to do this occasionally, but at all times! The word translated as delight can mean satiated. It can also mean to be intoxicated with. The word intoxicated in the next phrase means just that. Your sexual desire, and the fulfilling of it, should be with total abandon.
This is the kind of sex God calls us to. And all you have to do to “earn” that is to get married and be a decent husband. So start with this. Think, pray, and meditate on it. Get it down into your heart that this is how it is supposed to be.
